Such a crybaby..
okay.. since my mind went blank again, i still can't write.. i have written 10pages for CLASSMATES, one page for the oneshot fic, the rest still blank.. i dunno.. these past days, been so depressed..
I know its been a long time since i've written about myself, my life- i mean the real thing that has been happening around me..basically because, I'm tired of whining and complaining..but now I think I need to release it all.. because i would burst If i don't.
Some of you probably had heard about this, about the cold war between me and my mom. sad to say, its not a cold war anymore.. its way beyond that..I remembered telling my other lj friends about my mom commenting on my fb status, that i thought it will be a start for our make up, but then I was wrong. It turned out exactly the opposite. It made matters worse, worse than you could ever imagine.
Its hard to concentrate on my studies, mainly because it was a repeat subject, but what makes it harder was knowing that my mom thought I was slacking- what hurt me most, was when she called me stupid for failing a subject. Why? why did it has to be like that? That time I failed, she told me that its okay, but I think now, its not really the case. I just made myself believe that it was okay.
I thought I was able to move on from that failed subject, heck, how can I? Now that i have been told that I was not smart enough to pass it. I thought I'd have enough from all the crying, yet why am I crying now?
Never in my life had I imagined her to speak that way, especially when she's the one who'd been pushing me to graduate earlier than I supposed to be. Now she cut my allowance, and I need to work nonstop, just to support my lodging expenses, school expenses, and other expenses that a human needs-add the fact that I still have a subject to worry and the stress and sadness that I'm feeling right now. Not that I'm complaining about the work. okay erased that. I'm actually complaining. I love what I'm doing, because it was in line to the degree that I'd chosen, but, it eats away all my time, even my free time. Nonetheless, I still continued. Why? Because I have to, else, I won't survive.
My life is a mess right now. Literally or not. I thought, telling it to my mom, would lessen my pain, but I was wrong. My sisters? they're all missing in action. I dunno. They won't even text me.Now I wonder to whom could I share my thoughts?My dad? He died when I was barely one year old, hence, Mama's the one who worked for us. If I will count the days I have been together with my mom, it won't even reach 100 days. that's how hardworking she is. Preschool Graduation: Absent. Elementary Graduation day: Absent. Highschool: Absent. College: She told me just recently that she wouldn't be able to attend it.
To ease the pain, I indulge myself on playing my friend's guitar. And i browsed my files for some ARASHI songs, and glad that I found it.
It was a long time since I last touched a guitar.,that I couldn't help but realize how much time I had spent with studying that i had to throw away some of my hobbies, just to be called stupid afterward.
Now don't get me wrong.. I love my mom, so much.. that's why it hurt me hearing those words from her.. Her words cut deep through me, that I think it'll gonna take some time for my wounds to heal. .I've been called stupid countless times, and I was hurt, but hearing it from your own mother? It hurt like hell.
You can call me a crybaby, but I really am, especially now that I really need my tears, to pour my heart out, praying and hoping that one day, everything's going to be fine between me and her.
I know its been a long time since i've written about myself, my life- i mean the real thing that has been happening around me..basically because, I'm tired of whining and complaining..but now I think I need to release it all.. because i would burst If i don't.
Some of you probably had heard about this, about the cold war between me and my mom. sad to say, its not a cold war anymore.. its way beyond that..I remembered telling my other lj friends about my mom commenting on my fb status, that i thought it will be a start for our make up, but then I was wrong. It turned out exactly the opposite. It made matters worse, worse than you could ever imagine.
Its hard to concentrate on my studies, mainly because it was a repeat subject, but what makes it harder was knowing that my mom thought I was slacking- what hurt me most, was when she called me stupid for failing a subject. Why? why did it has to be like that? That time I failed, she told me that its okay, but I think now, its not really the case. I just made myself believe that it was okay.
I thought I was able to move on from that failed subject, heck, how can I? Now that i have been told that I was not smart enough to pass it. I thought I'd have enough from all the crying, yet why am I crying now?
Never in my life had I imagined her to speak that way, especially when she's the one who'd been pushing me to graduate earlier than I supposed to be. Now she cut my allowance, and I need to work nonstop, just to support my lodging expenses, school expenses, and other expenses that a human needs-add the fact that I still have a subject to worry and the stress and sadness that I'm feeling right now. Not that I'm complaining about the work. okay erased that. I'm actually complaining. I love what I'm doing, because it was in line to the degree that I'd chosen, but, it eats away all my time, even my free time. Nonetheless, I still continued. Why? Because I have to, else, I won't survive.
My life is a mess right now. Literally or not. I thought, telling it to my mom, would lessen my pain, but I was wrong. My sisters? they're all missing in action. I dunno. They won't even text me.Now I wonder to whom could I share my thoughts?My dad? He died when I was barely one year old, hence, Mama's the one who worked for us. If I will count the days I have been together with my mom, it won't even reach 100 days. that's how hardworking she is. Preschool Graduation: Absent. Elementary Graduation day: Absent. Highschool: Absent. College: She told me just recently that she wouldn't be able to attend it.
To ease the pain, I indulge myself on playing my friend's guitar. And i browsed my files for some ARASHI songs, and glad that I found it.
It was a long time since I last touched a guitar.,that I couldn't help but realize how much time I had spent with studying that i had to throw away some of my hobbies, just to be called stupid afterward.
Now don't get me wrong.. I love my mom, so much.. that's why it hurt me hearing those words from her.. Her words cut deep through me, that I think it'll gonna take some time for my wounds to heal. .I've been called stupid countless times, and I was hurt, but hearing it from your own mother? It hurt like hell.
You can call me a crybaby, but I really am, especially now that I really need my tears, to pour my heart out, praying and hoping that one day, everything's going to be fine between me and her.