Plays With Fire, Burns World Down
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaTiLzKJMAg
Snowing. Went to look out the window and discovered this, the ground covered in undulating white like steam from liquid nitrogen and the simple act of driving became a view one otherwise only has on the Starship Enterprise during warp drive. I felt like an angel of air, trudging with my hair and coat catching in the breeze like I could fly away at any time and float wherever the four winds had their way.
The other day I drank coffee and got really sick. Got a hell of a buzzy kind of high off it too, and was bouncing off the walls and didn't need to sleep FOREVER. Except for the intense awfulness that came with putting things like that into an intolerant stomach. Blah. So I stayed up until 2am making come ons to a cute girl I know cause that's obviously the best thing to do when one has work at 8am. Super high, then I wake up the next morning after the caffeine wore off and crash entirely the whole day. Talking intense depression with casual respect to suicide, the world wobbling around like there's a heat wave between me and my field of vision, feeling like I'm flying in alternate realities, not to mention yawning all the time and wanting to sleep at work. I go home and try to hit up my apprenticeship only to find no business and to come back tomorrow. I go home again and look at Facebook and crash again even worse. Was cleaning the house and stuff to keep ahead of myself, cause it needed cleaning anyway and I know it's the caffeine, at this point. Ended up staying up really late again talking to Lu and quasi cleaning/waiting for cute girl, figuring I might as well since I'm talking to Lu and cleaning anyway.
A note about her. The last thing I want to do is let someone in my head, but of course it never works out the way anyone ever wants it to. I got a feeling I'm being played (intentionally or not) so I do my best to just have fun and not care because with her being out of state, there's really not much to do between ourselves that doesn't involve the internet anyway. I don't have the money to travel and I'm here all by myself because I'm working on my life, not a relationship right after leaving one. Plus, to be fair all around, I knew what was going on from the start and started out fine with everything.
I'm past the point of fantasizing about exes and all, but damned if I don't feel all kinds of lonely all by myself. I hate being single. Which I guess is why I still am. But I think with the caffeine blasting away at my reserves my head twists my ability to go with flow into an inability to deal with any kind of abandonment. Granted, there's a lot of other shit going on in my head right now that taps my reserves, but I'm regardless failing to continue what I started out doing. I'm not in love, I just feel like a jackass. I'll spare the abandonment angst I think, cause that's likely to make me feel more idiotic about it. My dog is barking a frilly bark for such a big dog XD
To focus on good things, my trip to Chicago kicked ass ^^ I got to bond a lot with Mom and Poocuh, which I absolutely NEVER get to do. Mom made a huge dinner for everyone for the holiday, and I ate and got sick. Bfd, really. It's something to talk about when people ask aboutmy holiday and I don't want to tell them why it was so important and rare to hang out extensively with family. Went up to Wisconsin and saw Holly and Bear ^^ and even Kitrinka even though Mike doesn't want mom and her to see one another. It was sort of my evil plot.. Mom and Kit-mom were friends since high school and we lived with her at the farm. She was kind of a grounding when I'd freak out about Mom being drunk or fighting with Mike. I figured someday I'd type as fast as she can. Never happened, but 65 wpm isn't bad in a world where no one takes keyboarding classes anymore. Maybe if I'd paid more attention to detail when I had those classes, I'd be typing 120 wpm by now too. When Mom and Kit saw each other, what was between them was possibly something that could be used to destroy cities. I don't think I've ever seen them that giddy, and I've definitely never seen Mom smile so often like that. Not in a long time, anyway.
I keep tracking around what I'd initially intended to talk about. Not sure if it's ready to come out yet, or if I'm ready for what would happen next, or for putting that much benadryl in my body at once to go straight to sleep afterward. Urg.
My brother has a Cobra he named Black Friday and I got to drive it ^^ The acceleration was shitty, but I've decided I like wearing my long wool coat and sexy boots, my hair everywhere in the snowy wind, everything about me standing out against the white ground as I step out of the driver's seat of that car. Time took one look at me and slowed the fuck down to watch, goddammit. When he drove me to the airport the engine roared as we tore down the expressway (okay, not that fast since it was still icy) and I had trouble containing myself. We'll say I really REALLY like cars. Especially if they make noise and smell like old fabric or gasoline. He drove me to the airport since I got stranded Sunday at Ohare by the ice and had to stay until Tuesday, which was when the next flight went out to Fargo.
...At the airport Sunday, after they canceled my flight, I stood in a customer service line for almost an hour waiting for word on another flight. In line I met a very masculine woman from Fargo named Hector who was very pissed about the flight and very vocal, and insisted she had a boyfriend. Also a 17 yr old married girl from Valley City named Jennifer who was all kinds of afraid of all this flight mess. We banded together and got on a standby for Fargo that night, but Hector was trying to work out renting a car and all of us driving that night to Fargo instead, just so we could stick it to United Airlines and not have to wait if our flight was again canceled. Jennifer wanted to wait, and after we both got to talking we didn't see Hector anymore. Can only presume she rented the car herself. Jennifer and I hooked up with a guy Iowa named Jason, who for all intents and purposes sounded gay but apparently was both very straight and religious. We got food and got to know one another, and found out Jason would get to go home (his flight wasn't canceled) and that Jennifer and I were like the last 2 of 30 standby passengers on this last flight to Fargo until Tuesday. Mom offered to pick me up, and after some meticulation I took myself off the list. Jennifer got scared again about being stranded and I convinced Mom we needed to take her home with us. At the last minute though, Jennifer decided to wait based on a gut feeling and as it happened, she not only caught the flight to Fargo with the other 28 people but discovered there had actually been a space or two left for me had I felt more trusting XD Oh well. Extended vacation.
My hair is soft. I'm downplaying my current self hatred because I don't particularly want to be emo or whatever, or make people worry about me. Also cause self hatred is basically anger turned inward, which is basically depression. Big deal. Who doesn't feel that? Who doesn't have regrets and shame and things that make them uncomfortable and things that make them confused and shit like that? Seriously. I hate myself because every time I open my mouth to speak what's wrong I lack the voice because I'm afraid and confused and terrified to trust my own intuition in case it's actually right and there's really nothing I can do anyway. I want to lay in bed and never come out.
I get weird text messages. I delete them because I can't stand to reread them and analyze them or know that they're there. Not because they're that horrible, but maybe because they are. Because when he hugs other people he hugs their back and when he hugs me he hugs my sides and it takes longer sometimes and I should really know what to do about this by now. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well what the fuck am I supposed to be past thrice? It's not like my head hasn't made false alarms on me before. Those were embarassing. We'll leave it at that. Every day is closer to something. I can feel it. Closer to danger and alarms exploding in my mind and making all kinds of noise and keeping me on edge. Closer to something I'll regret but can't tell which way I'll regret it. I almost rear ended a car freaking out about everything the other day. In my head scenarios race and race and race and then I have to stop thinking for my own sake or I crash again or I want to drink more caffeine again or I want to stay awake so I can always know what's going on or really I just don't want to be alone anymore. But then I wouldn't be forced to do what I need to do, which is fix my problem before it obliterates my life. If I can't make peace with myself I'm good to no one and at that point there's not much more to life than floating around in the breeze like flakes of snow, waiting to fall and die in someone's hands.
I seem to be losing consciousness. Kinda wild, considering how worked up I feel at the same time that I feel completely drained of all energy whatsoever.
So instead of allowing some silly lack of consciousness to come around, I wrote a limerick instead.
Raven in the darkness scryes, all the caffeine clears the eyes; the darkness waits with sylphlike snows; into madness raven goes.
Saw a white rabbit today. Then there was a wall, and it was there, and for awhile I peered around it, and then I came home again and it was as before.
Translation: My teacher is a good and enlightening person.
Facade! =D
Overall, you have partaken in 111 out of 169 possible life experiences.
Your average life experience score is therefore 66%.
The average score is 51%, making your experiences more than 88% of the people who have taken this test.
The average for your age group (18-25) is 45%.
Broken down by category:
Art: 9/17 (53%)
Career & Work: 9/13 (69%)
Civics & Technology: 4/7 (57%)
Crime & Disarray: 8/11 (73%)
Education: 13/18 (72%)
Fashion: 8/10 (80%)
Fitness, Health and Sports: 2/7 (29%)
Life in General: 10/14 (71%)
Relationships: 12/14 (86%)
Religion & Politics: 2/4 (50%)
Social: 18/22 (82%)
Travel: 7/20 (35%)
Vices: 9/12 (75%)
Take the test and see how YOU compare
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Tenshinogisei sent to me...
Twelve blacklionessluvs jamming
Eleven NewEraPlutos pipe bombing
Ten betta329s a-fapping
Nine big_gendos also fapping
Eight canadian_moose2s a-childing
Seven piercings a-writing
Six tattoos a-sewing
Five le-e-e-esbians
Four fluffy dogs
Three foreign countries
Two marshmallow mateys
...and a seafood in a pear tree.
Snowing. Went to look out the window and discovered this, the ground covered in undulating white like steam from liquid nitrogen and the simple act of driving became a view one otherwise only has on the Starship Enterprise during warp drive. I felt like an angel of air, trudging with my hair and coat catching in the breeze like I could fly away at any time and float wherever the four winds had their way.
The other day I drank coffee and got really sick. Got a hell of a buzzy kind of high off it too, and was bouncing off the walls and didn't need to sleep FOREVER. Except for the intense awfulness that came with putting things like that into an intolerant stomach. Blah. So I stayed up until 2am making come ons to a cute girl I know cause that's obviously the best thing to do when one has work at 8am. Super high, then I wake up the next morning after the caffeine wore off and crash entirely the whole day. Talking intense depression with casual respect to suicide, the world wobbling around like there's a heat wave between me and my field of vision, feeling like I'm flying in alternate realities, not to mention yawning all the time and wanting to sleep at work. I go home and try to hit up my apprenticeship only to find no business and to come back tomorrow. I go home again and look at Facebook and crash again even worse. Was cleaning the house and stuff to keep ahead of myself, cause it needed cleaning anyway and I know it's the caffeine, at this point. Ended up staying up really late again talking to Lu and quasi cleaning/waiting for cute girl, figuring I might as well since I'm talking to Lu and cleaning anyway.
A note about her. The last thing I want to do is let someone in my head, but of course it never works out the way anyone ever wants it to. I got a feeling I'm being played (intentionally or not) so I do my best to just have fun and not care because with her being out of state, there's really not much to do between ourselves that doesn't involve the internet anyway. I don't have the money to travel and I'm here all by myself because I'm working on my life, not a relationship right after leaving one. Plus, to be fair all around, I knew what was going on from the start and started out fine with everything.
I'm past the point of fantasizing about exes and all, but damned if I don't feel all kinds of lonely all by myself. I hate being single. Which I guess is why I still am. But I think with the caffeine blasting away at my reserves my head twists my ability to go with flow into an inability to deal with any kind of abandonment. Granted, there's a lot of other shit going on in my head right now that taps my reserves, but I'm regardless failing to continue what I started out doing. I'm not in love, I just feel like a jackass. I'll spare the abandonment angst I think, cause that's likely to make me feel more idiotic about it. My dog is barking a frilly bark for such a big dog XD
To focus on good things, my trip to Chicago kicked ass ^^ I got to bond a lot with Mom and Poocuh, which I absolutely NEVER get to do. Mom made a huge dinner for everyone for the holiday, and I ate and got sick. Bfd, really. It's something to talk about when people ask aboutmy holiday and I don't want to tell them why it was so important and rare to hang out extensively with family. Went up to Wisconsin and saw Holly and Bear ^^ and even Kitrinka even though Mike doesn't want mom and her to see one another. It was sort of my evil plot.. Mom and Kit-mom were friends since high school and we lived with her at the farm. She was kind of a grounding when I'd freak out about Mom being drunk or fighting with Mike. I figured someday I'd type as fast as she can. Never happened, but 65 wpm isn't bad in a world where no one takes keyboarding classes anymore. Maybe if I'd paid more attention to detail when I had those classes, I'd be typing 120 wpm by now too. When Mom and Kit saw each other, what was between them was possibly something that could be used to destroy cities. I don't think I've ever seen them that giddy, and I've definitely never seen Mom smile so often like that. Not in a long time, anyway.
I keep tracking around what I'd initially intended to talk about. Not sure if it's ready to come out yet, or if I'm ready for what would happen next, or for putting that much benadryl in my body at once to go straight to sleep afterward. Urg.
My brother has a Cobra he named Black Friday and I got to drive it ^^ The acceleration was shitty, but I've decided I like wearing my long wool coat and sexy boots, my hair everywhere in the snowy wind, everything about me standing out against the white ground as I step out of the driver's seat of that car. Time took one look at me and slowed the fuck down to watch, goddammit. When he drove me to the airport the engine roared as we tore down the expressway (okay, not that fast since it was still icy) and I had trouble containing myself. We'll say I really REALLY like cars. Especially if they make noise and smell like old fabric or gasoline. He drove me to the airport since I got stranded Sunday at Ohare by the ice and had to stay until Tuesday, which was when the next flight went out to Fargo.
...At the airport Sunday, after they canceled my flight, I stood in a customer service line for almost an hour waiting for word on another flight. In line I met a very masculine woman from Fargo named Hector who was very pissed about the flight and very vocal, and insisted she had a boyfriend. Also a 17 yr old married girl from Valley City named Jennifer who was all kinds of afraid of all this flight mess. We banded together and got on a standby for Fargo that night, but Hector was trying to work out renting a car and all of us driving that night to Fargo instead, just so we could stick it to United Airlines and not have to wait if our flight was again canceled. Jennifer wanted to wait, and after we both got to talking we didn't see Hector anymore. Can only presume she rented the car herself. Jennifer and I hooked up with a guy Iowa named Jason, who for all intents and purposes sounded gay but apparently was both very straight and religious. We got food and got to know one another, and found out Jason would get to go home (his flight wasn't canceled) and that Jennifer and I were like the last 2 of 30 standby passengers on this last flight to Fargo until Tuesday. Mom offered to pick me up, and after some meticulation I took myself off the list. Jennifer got scared again about being stranded and I convinced Mom we needed to take her home with us. At the last minute though, Jennifer decided to wait based on a gut feeling and as it happened, she not only caught the flight to Fargo with the other 28 people but discovered there had actually been a space or two left for me had I felt more trusting XD Oh well. Extended vacation.
My hair is soft. I'm downplaying my current self hatred because I don't particularly want to be emo or whatever, or make people worry about me. Also cause self hatred is basically anger turned inward, which is basically depression. Big deal. Who doesn't feel that? Who doesn't have regrets and shame and things that make them uncomfortable and things that make them confused and shit like that? Seriously. I hate myself because every time I open my mouth to speak what's wrong I lack the voice because I'm afraid and confused and terrified to trust my own intuition in case it's actually right and there's really nothing I can do anyway. I want to lay in bed and never come out.
I get weird text messages. I delete them because I can't stand to reread them and analyze them or know that they're there. Not because they're that horrible, but maybe because they are. Because when he hugs other people he hugs their back and when he hugs me he hugs my sides and it takes longer sometimes and I should really know what to do about this by now. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well what the fuck am I supposed to be past thrice? It's not like my head hasn't made false alarms on me before. Those were embarassing. We'll leave it at that. Every day is closer to something. I can feel it. Closer to danger and alarms exploding in my mind and making all kinds of noise and keeping me on edge. Closer to something I'll regret but can't tell which way I'll regret it. I almost rear ended a car freaking out about everything the other day. In my head scenarios race and race and race and then I have to stop thinking for my own sake or I crash again or I want to drink more caffeine again or I want to stay awake so I can always know what's going on or really I just don't want to be alone anymore. But then I wouldn't be forced to do what I need to do, which is fix my problem before it obliterates my life. If I can't make peace with myself I'm good to no one and at that point there's not much more to life than floating around in the breeze like flakes of snow, waiting to fall and die in someone's hands.
I seem to be losing consciousness. Kinda wild, considering how worked up I feel at the same time that I feel completely drained of all energy whatsoever.
So instead of allowing some silly lack of consciousness to come around, I wrote a limerick instead.
Raven in the darkness scryes, all the caffeine clears the eyes; the darkness waits with sylphlike snows; into madness raven goes.
Saw a white rabbit today. Then there was a wall, and it was there, and for awhile I peered around it, and then I came home again and it was as before.
Translation: My teacher is a good and enlightening person.
Facade! =D
Overall, you have partaken in 111 out of 169 possible life experiences.
Your average life experience score is therefore 66%.
The average score is 51%, making your experiences more than 88% of the people who have taken this test.
The average for your age group (18-25) is 45%.
Broken down by category:
Art: 9/17 (53%)
Career & Work: 9/13 (69%)
Civics & Technology: 4/7 (57%)
Crime & Disarray: 8/11 (73%)
Education: 13/18 (72%)
Fashion: 8/10 (80%)
Fitness, Health and Sports: 2/7 (29%)
Life in General: 10/14 (71%)
Relationships: 12/14 (86%)
Religion & Politics: 2/4 (50%)
Social: 18/22 (82%)
Travel: 7/20 (35%)
Vices: 9/12 (75%)
Take the test and see how YOU compare
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Tenshinogisei sent to me...
Twelve blacklionessluvs jamming
Eleven NewEraPlutos pipe bombing
Ten betta329s a-fapping
Nine big_gendos also fapping
Eight canadian_moose2s a-childing
Seven piercings a-writing
Six tattoos a-sewing
Five le-e-e-esbians
Four fluffy dogs
Three foreign countries
Two marshmallow mateys
...and a seafood in a pear tree.