a long pointless story about creepy Jimmy the techie
before the 'rents left for two weeks, they attempted to help me out, sort of... this attempt at problem solving, while certainly kind of them, resulted in the purest form of nonsensical wackiness- as is most often the case with their meddling...
they contacted this techie guy, let's call him Jimmy, who works on computers at our small community college. this man is in his late thirties and looks about 18 years old. asked him if he would look at my poor sad laptop... he said he'd "see what he could do." what a phrase. i COULD masterbate all over this keyboard. i could scream, break shit. i could murder the old man sleeping soundly next to me (that rant will come later, minus the murder). and just cause i could, say, fuck around with someone's personal shit doesn't mean i would...
here you go Jimmy. you look like a creepy, yet nice enough man. hand him my computer. he says it'll be done in a couple days. a week later he calls me, says, he forgot he had it until he was "digging through some stuff" and "discovered" it. alright...?! "it'll be done in a couple days." ...sure, Jimmy.
a week later:
calls me on Wednesday, says the computer's been done for a couple days. but that day he had to go to Bend, but he'll be back in the evening. now i start hatin Jimmy, proper.
later that night i was makin food, Jimmy calls. The Drug is over and we're havin a pretty good time, takin shots and smokin blunts... he agrees to come with me to Jimmy's house cause that way i'll get out of there fast-- that Jimmy, he's a rambler (i can see why he and my 'rents get along so well).
we get over there, i tell him to wait outside, so i can say i got somebody waitin, he sits on the front porch while i go knock on the door. damn nation Jimmy's got a lot of acne for a 30-something. invites me in. i expect him to apologize (for the delay, not the acne), so i get ready to respond to that unsaid apology, thinking i ought to tell him it's fine, but look like it's not fine as i say it. i keep debating about what to say in particular... as we pass through the kitchen he points to an aquarium, and a nearby kitten. he says, "looks like that cat's gonna eat all my fish."
"that's alright, don't worry about it," i said, not listening.
"what?" says Jimmy.
"goddamn," i mutter, "cats." on we go. down into the basement filled with probably close to a million dollars in high-tech shit. from video cameras to computers and stereos, projectors. and twenty or more cats. christ, Jimmy... christ.
leads me back to this tiny room with computers on all three walls. i don't like being that close to anyone, especially Jimmy.
he digs out my computer and invites me to sit. i'm already ready to get the fuck out of there. "thanks a lot," i say.
"sit down."
"well, i've really got to go, you see--"
"sit down and let me show you what i did."
"?! ...um. okay, Jimmy." i start sweating a little bit. it's fuckin hot in there.
while waiting for my computer to load, Jimmy asks me if i want any cats. christ, i tell him, my house is already overflowing with cats... then, without responding, he picks up the nearest cat, and cradles it like a baby.
"how many cats can you do this with?" he asks. i look at my computer, which seems to be taking even LONGER to load than before. maybe it's my imagination. "what?" i ask.
"how many cats can you cradle in your arms, and hug so tight? mmm?" he looks at the cat, "how many, Smokey?" he is now talking in a voice that can only be described as a blubbering baby. "i'm never gonna let you go! no way! no way, Smokey. mmm, you're so soft, Smokey," he nuzzles the cat. i keep looking at my computer, thinking of grabbing it and running, semi-drunkenly from Jimmy's lair...
finally he puts the cat down and snatches my laptop away from my outstretched arm. i notice how his hands, covered with cat hair are now fondling my computer to no end. he proceeds to explain how he gave me a couple games, cause i didn't have any on there, runs the mouse over the Games tab- instantly the whole screen is taken up by the games menu. "christ!" i shouted. "what'd you do?!" Jimmy grins his acne'd mug at me repeating, "just a couple." and laughs and laughs...
all i can think is:
'i could take him. i could take him right now. then i could steal his shit and run. no, no but he knows my parents. aaaaah!'
i almost forgot to mention how he removed my anti-virus, anti-spyware shit because he "didn't like it" and instead put on a much larger, TRIAL VERSION of some other shit. all i could say was, "you-you-you... deleted mine?!" Jimmy laughed again and again. he also gave me a thousand microsoft programs, screen savers, background changers, etc. etc. i told him that i like my computer to be free of pointless shit. he tells me that all he did was add some "fun stuff".
'i could take him. i could take him right now...'
then he pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket. it's filled with the biggest ball of lint i've ever seen. "THIS," he announces, "is what i took out of the inside of your computer."
"that's it?" i say
"that's it?! that's why your computer was overheating!"
"um... right." i say, slamming my laptop shut, "well, looks like i've gotta get going. there's someone--"
"alright," Jimmy says, "it'll just be forty."
"sss'cuse me?" the drunk kid slurs.
"just forty bucks."
neither my parents nor Jimmy had mentioned this. i would've taken my machine to a shop for less than that-- probably nothing, if all it needed was CLEANING!
i squint into the void that is my wallet, "uh, i got... twenny-five."
"that's fine," he says. i start to let out a sigh. "you can give me the rest later."
"cocksucker," i mutter.
there are some thumps and bangs upstairs suddenly. Jimmy looks up at the ceiling. he stares for a few seconds, as if using his X-ray vision he pretends he has. then he looks back at me, through glasses thick as fuck, and without expression says, "probably my kids..."
i'm about to laugh (just to break the tension) and say something like, well, what the hell else could it be? or: YOU have KIDS?! i stare at him blankly. slightly frightened. he's got that little-boy-serial-killer face, i realize.
then Jimmy asks me if i like music. "i really got to be going, Jimmy." come with me, he says, outside. what?! fuckin goddamn sonofa--
outside i go. spinelessly trailing Jimmy.
we go out to his big creepy car parked on the street, when he sees The Drug, smokin a joint on his porch. "hey, what do you think you're doing?" nasally Jimmy is going to -what?- threaten him to death? i jump in-- "it's just my buddy, Jimmy. and he and i have got to get going, now. so. you know... thanks, and--"
"get in the car." Jimmy says, eyeing The Drug. i get in the car, hating myself.
meanwhile, Jimmy's neighbors were in the process of acosting as well as reporting to the police The Drug's presence on their street. granted, he smoked a joint on their lawn, but still- he's harmless.
Jimmy and i sit in his car while he plays everything from Boyz II Men to 30 Seconds to Mars at top volume, explaining that he doesn't like to use amplifiers (which will quickly blow your speakers out) and a bunch of other shit i can't even remember. then Jimmy makes me get into his truck, on the other side of the street, and explains more shit, the ups and downs of surround sound (which he doesn't have) and the underrated value of boom-box speakers (all he has). we're out there close to a half an hour. The Drug finally comes tappin on the window of the truck. i jump out, Jimmy stutters and mumbles. i tell him i'll see him later and we run. luckily, i remembered to snag the laptop.
a few days later, i wander by his home to give him some more money (i figure i'll give him three payments of five dollars over the next week). no one is there. i knock on the door, it opens. i shout into the house, "hello? got some money here..." no response. "ah, i'm very uncomfortable!" no response, only my echo. "i'm COMING INSIDE so DON'T THINK I'M A THEEEEIIIFFF!" i threw some money on the table, wrote a note with a black marker on one of the bills, rendering it unusable, and ran.
luckily, The Drug and i were able to just make it to Live Free or Die Hard- though we did get pulled over on the way- and still have time to share a joint behind the movie theatre, despite the insane wind.