The TNA Cruise + Vacation
Oh y'all, I had the best time ever on this vacation. It was really the best vacation of all time.
Thursday
Espy and me left to pick up Lori at her house at 4:30. As soon as she got into the car she asked me if I had my passport, and that was timely, because it turned out I left it on my bed! oops! so we had to make a little detour. otherwise everything was smooth. lori's big suitcase was busted and they had to seal it with tape at check-in; she decided she'd buy another suitcase in Tampa. Naturally, our flight to the wrestling cruise had a layover in Ric Flair Country, aka Charlotte, NC. Our flight to Orlando from there almost had a freakin' collision because the air traffic controllers weren't layering right, or so they said. that was actually kind of terrifying.
once we got to the airport, we discovered lori had lost her shuttle confirmation sheet, so we had to scramble to find a shuttle to the cruise line. the boat was lovely. not a behemoth like the disney cruise liner next to it, but a nice, lovely boat. we were in the forward section (close to the front of the boat), so whenever we wanted food we had to walk the whole length of the thing. that got old fast. as soon as we got to the room lori made us grab our lifejackets and skedaddle upstairs to the other end of the boat and a cruise employee gently told us they don't do that anymore. that was a long walk back for her with me making fun of her the whole way back. we chilled at the pool for a while, and then we did eventually go to a safety briefing and that's when I started spotting the wrestlers. On the way in, I saw Jeremy Borash kissing his girlfriend. On the way out, after a briefing led by a very annoying staff member, I saw James Storm and his wife and marked out a bit, lol. Downstairs, Kazarian and Traci Brooks were chilling, leaning against a wall. No one was bothering anybody. We kept on exploring for a while, then got ready for dinner at 6pm.
Dinner was...well, for me personally it was a little stressful. The floor was slick as shit and the boat kept rocking, so I would slide from side to side on it. Lori was even worse off because she had on these giant gray heels (beautiful shoes though!). We found our table and a girl named Heather was sitting there by herself. She told us she was from Chicago, she was celebrating her 24th birthday, and her brother was supposed to come with her but he got sick. A couple soon joined us; their names were Efram (aka Big Dog) and Tawny, from Jacksonville, and they were hilarious. I was glad they were making us laugh all night; me and Heather were marking out everytime a wrestler came near us, which was often, because they sat us in the middle of everybody. Literally. Every time I looked at Lori on my left, I could see AJ Styles laughing at his friend Christopher Daniels, or Kazarian talking with Traci. If I looked to my right, there was James Storm and Ric Flair with their wives. I was so nervous I could hardly eat; Lori got the wrong dinner, waited five minutes for the right dinner, and she eats like a snail and she still finished ahead of me. I was so nervous that at one point I ate one of my braids.
Also, Efram told us he'd learned that TNA had reserved 300 rooms for fans but only 50 people signed up. That was a little sad, and probably means they won't do it again :(
After that, we went to the liquor tasting, which was just a bunch of people lined up for shots at the liquor store table; the grand atrium bar, where they had a "let it snow" snowmaking moment and we took the below picture:
see me covering my drink there
then the latin dance lesson, which was that annoying staff guy from the safety lesson teaching people a long, useless routine; then we hung out waiting for the club to open. I swung around a pole to avoid AJ, Daniels and Kazarian and nearly fell on a patch of water. we stopped in the cafeteria for coffee and saw AJ Styles check Lori out briefly. sat in front of the club and saw Storm walk by. I was so drunk I said "let's follow him!" lol, no. we started the party there, where I learned the old school "Nasty Girl" dance has been repurposed as the "Wobble Dance", failed to teach Lori the electric slide, and watched two guys have a breakdance competition. It was a good start to the vacation.
Friday
The best day.
Early start, breakfast, went down to the Polo Lounge for the Morning Meet & Greet, which the itinerary said started at 9 am. By 9:15 we hadn't seen anybody. I was super nervous earlier so I took a whole Klonopin, and it kicked in strongly, so I was a fucking sludgy mess at 9am but straight chilling at 10 am, so that worked out. We were shooting the breeze with a family who'd come down from Nova Scotia, and once the TNA staff showed up, the husband got up and asked where Bobby Roode and Velvet Sky were, since none of us had seen them yesterday. Velvet was there with her boyfriend Chris Sabin; they'd just been in their room all night. But Bobby Roode, the man I'd paid for this cruise to see? He had a family emergency and wasn't on the boat! :( I was crushed :( tbh I sat there for half an hour, moping, especially because Mr. Anderson, my LEAST favorite wrestler was there. That did explain why Christopher Daniels was on the boat. But I'm an adult, and most importantly, an adult with an MP3 player, my favorite Phillies necklace on and klonopin in my system, so I turned up the music and danced on in.
The room was set up so there were four tables, three wrestlers to a table. The tables went like this: Jeremy Borash, Karen Jarrett, and Jeff Jarrett; Ric Flair, Mr, Anderson; James Storm, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels; Velvet Sky, Chris Sabin. Traci and Kaz were sitting together but I forget where they were at. Of the 12, three really interacted with me, the rest were all "you're welcome" or silent. Jeremy Borash was nice and very chipper. Jeff Jarrett messed with me a little bit. He asked how I was, I told him I was tired from getting the party started at the club last night, and he was like, "well, that's your fault!" LOL. I like Jeff Jarrett more and more each day. I was a little disappointed to get only a quick hi from AJ Styles, but, eh. James Storm, on the other hand, wanted to have a conversation.
Storm: Hi, how are you?
Me: I'm spectacular, and yourself? smiling. damn, his eyes are green.
Storm: I'm good, too. Where are you from?
Me: I'm from Philly, all day.
Storm: Oh, yeah, you an Eagles fan?
Me and Lori: Oh yeah. Is James Storm really treating me like a human being? omg
Lori: It's hard right now.
Storm: We could have told you Vince Young was terrible. He's good for throwing 3 or 4 interceptions per game.
Me: Well, Vick is coming back this week so we're going to be good.
Storm: Oh yeah? That's good. Well good luck!
Well after that, how could I not love Storm? He was so friendly, and so sweet. We got our posters signed by the rest (hi, thank you, hi, thank you etc) and the staff told us after the signing we could take pictures, and have coffee and danishes in the meantime. I passed the time by whipping Lori with my hair and dancing for Heather. Lori wanted to take a pic with Ric Flair:
since he was the only one she knew. I took Heather's picture with Mr. Anderson - she thought he was hot, blech - and she got one with Jarrett and Chris Sabin too, I think. I got one with Storm:
damn he's so cute the way he gets all close to you. I told him he smelled good, haha
and I got AJ Styles, who naturally gave me a Christian side hug:
he has nice shoulder blades, I guess
afterwards we went upstairs and played mini golf in a strong wind, and I kicked Lori's ass. she got so mad she wouldn't keep score by the 8th hole. I even got a hole in one!
v=
smooth.
quick lunch of kind of bland Jamaican food, then we got off the boat and walked around the Nassau tourist shopping district a little. all the tourists were in shorts and the residents were in long pants and dark colors. there were no traffic lights, just well dressed cops directing traffic everywhere. we stopped in a few souvenir shops and a perfume shop just to look, and bought two rum cakes and two bottles of rum from the Tortuga gift shop. their coconut rum cake is the truth. we took pictures by the sign near the boats:
I've got liquor. you betta recognize.
on the way back, we ran into the wrestlers again, all heading out in a group. Daniels was whipping his shirt off again and twirling it around his head. Storm had his Beer Hunter shirt on, which I would get better acquainted with later on.
that night we had a beach party scheduled at Breezes Bahamas and they told us to be on the bus at 6:30 sharp. We piled on the buses; Efram and Tawny were on the bus with the wrestlers, and she told me one of the female wrestlers was complaining about the fans but wouldn't say which one. I bet it was Velvet, she was aloof all weekend. Anyway, our tour guide was funny, his name was Phil, which stood for something like Proud, Hilarious, Intelligent and Lovely, so he said. He told us about some of the sights as we drove. It was a little weird driving on the left and seeing minibuses everywhere. Once there we had to sign waivers and get wristbands. I knew it was going to be a crazy night when a dude flashed us from his hotel room while we were walking to the beach. Nothin' but decadence up in there.
However, I started out mad. I can't stand the beach. I was all dressed for a nice party, damnit! Me and Lori kicked off our shoes and went straight to the bar. I had 3 vodka and cranberries in quick succession, and the damn tables kept sinking into the sand. Efram spilled two drinks in a row. Heather was drinking straight vodka and told us today was her birthday, so we all decided to make it nice for her. The buffet was okay; the highlight was Daniels and Lori talking about having bad eyesight over the corn and Traci & Lori getting excited over cheese. We were sitting at the table next to the wrestlers and I heard a story AJ Styles told about a bar mitzvah. Once we ate, though, Efram told me about this drink one of the bartenders recommended to him; it's called a Goombay Splash. Lots of rum, lots of juice. I had at least two of those; maybe three, and THEN I started getting happy. The band had disappeared and the DJ came on; he was playing a song trying to teach people how to wind (that's a dance) and Ric Flair was up there, hip thrusting away. Me and Lori tried to wind on the sand, but we just can't dance, lol. The fire dancer came out and put a dish of fire on everyone's head; I was a little worried because I had enough grease on me to go up like a roman candle, but I was good. someone there did get their mustache singed, though. the limbo dancer came out and he did this thing where he stood ric flair's shoes on end, put the poles on top, lit the poles on fire and slid underneath them. it was amazing.
now we're getting to my favorite part of the night.
I was fucking wasted. I fell over a couple of times, but was able to pass it off as Tebowing once. I had Lori help me lie down on the table for a minute. as soon as I laid down, here came a marching band with a conga line following it. I got right back up for that and started dancing in line. James Storm came up, put his arm around me, and said, "come on girl, let's conga to the front of the line." I put my arm around him and we danced to the front, and danced a little more there once the band stopped. now, I have to say, I get super anxious when I'm around a hot guy, so I couldn't stay in his company long. it's a curse. so I shook the sand out of my hair and stumbled back over to the table, and then to the dance floor again. we did the cupid shuffle, heather was breaking it down on the dance floor and got into a kid 'n play dance off with another person, efram was taking like 400 pictures of us dancing with tawny.
then James Storm backed that thing up on me.
Seriously, I was dancing there, and the next thing I know, Storm is popping his booty on me. I was a little shocked, but then I was like, awww the fuck yeah, come here with that nice ass, and I pushed him down and grabbed for his ponytail. I missed (remember I'm drunk) but I definitely got a handful of hair. well idk how James feels about his hair, but he was feeling some kind of way, because then he turned me around, pushed my head down, and grabbed a handful of my hair. look, y'all, when he grabbed my hair, I was like
WHAT THE SHIT THAT'S THE ON SWITCH COME HERE BOY AND BUST MY BACK OUT
I mean, if his wife hadn't been there, panties would have been dropped. I'm so serious. of course, Storm has that effect on lots of women, you know. His wife was really mad and they spent the next 10 minutes talking on the dance floor. I was like hahahahaha Storm got in trouble
A little later on, on the dance floor, they started playing the song "Back That Thing Up". I was dancing with Lori and I turned around, ready to drop it on her, and lo and behold AJ Styles, of the great big ol' booty, is dancing in front of me, arms around his wife, booty jigglin' and motherfuckin' wigglin'. I looked at him, and then I thought, if I touch this man, God is gonna strike me down. Lightning is gonna come down and fry my ass right on this dance floor. So, although it killed me, I turned back around and resisted the temptation. In the long run, I'm fine, but man, it hurt. it hurt a lot. lol
the wrestlers were having a great time. at one point Jeff Jarrett was tebowing in the sand taking pics. Kazarian, AJ and Daniels hopped on a table and AJ took his shirt off and flung it to his wife but Heather caught it. almost kept it too, lol, but she handed it to his wife. all three of them were dancing with their shirts off. I wish I'd gotten a picture of that. Karen Jarrett was getting crazy and dancing on the table too. a bunch of them got on the stage with the DJ and he had to tell them to get down, haha. Me and Lori were sitting at the table laughing at this. Kaz walked by and was like, "did you hear them playing Justin Bieber? what was up with that?" and we were just like, yeah, we know, it's weird.
Heather got even drunker and I spent a little while picking her up off the beach. she kept going though, I mean, a little beach faceplant wouldn't get her down. she wanted a picture with storm, but she was too shy to talk to him, so I went over there. he was cool. I turned back around and Heather was face down in the sand again. I said to Storm, "sorry, she's working on her coordination." she did eventually make it over, and of course I almost tripped when I was taking the picture. Heather went off somewhere (she was forever walking off without saying anything) and I asked Storm if I could give him a hug. He said sure, so we hugged and I told him in his ear, "thank you for making my cruise so awesome." well, he kept his arm around me and said in my ear, "I'm glad you're having a good time. I just want everybody to have a good time. you know what I'm saying? this life is short and we only get one chance to live it, you know, we don't get reincarnation-"
I said, "oh no, we get reincarnated, and I'm coming back as a cat." and then I ran away. because he is hot and I have the brain of a hamster. biggest regret of the vacation is not staying there and talking to him some more.
Lori was ready to go at that point, so I picked Heather up off the sand one more time and we left on one of the shuttles. the driver going back was in a major hurry and we were whipping around corners and around other minibuses. he let us off and we got so drunk we got lost at the security checkpoint for a while. got back on the boat, went to the buffet, and had some water with heather and another couple, rich and stacen or something like that, just to ward off the hangover. I found out later Heather went to the club on the ship after that, and Storm was there with two people holding him up, and he was like, "Heather, are you okay? I heard you kept falling down!"
I do wish I had pictures from that night, but they probably would have all been terrible. I was sooo drunk. I went to bed that night, not even showering, and woke up with sand in all my fat rolls
Saturday
Kinda a blah day with not much to do. I did crosswords by the pool. spotted the wrestlers at lunch. james storm went to the salad bar. he still had on his beer hunter shirt. won two trivia contests (played with lori and stacen) and walked around slapping them on my shoulder like Roode with his belt. the guys I beat were SO mad. we went to the VIP Reception and the drinks were mostly mixer because I had four of those fuckers and they didn't do shit. also, we were sitting in the corner, and Storm was sitting at the next table over with Flair and it was making me anxious again. I took a picture with him, but it didn't come out very well:
and I was a little bummed about it because Borash announced that was the last time they would be taking pictures. we went straight to dinner from there, and again, AJ Styles on my left, Storm on my right, compounded by Mr. Anderson at the table across from me, looking straight down my dress. Efram and Tawny teased me ALL DINNER about having a crush on Storm. I think they liked seeing me blush and shake my braids down to hide my face. I almost fucking fell on my way to the bathroom to get away from them. Again, I couldn't eat dinner, only made it halfway through a decent steak and passed on dessert, opting to stick with a red bull and sprite since I was so tired.
when dinner ended, Tawny actually got up and asked Storm to take another picture with me since the last one didn't come out well. I told Lori we had to leave, tout suite, but he caught me anyway, damnit. Both Lori and Efram took pics this time, here's Lori's:
as we were posing for pics he said something to me but I couldn't make it out and I was too shy to ask him to repeat himself. btw, he really, really smells good all the time and his body is like so thick and yummy. I thanked him again and he was like, "you're welcome, honey." damn baby you can call me whatever you want
went back to the hotel room and passed out. lori went to the comedy show. I woke up 2 hours later and went to the club. I was dancing and at one point I made a wrong turn and everybody on the floor was facing me. I bucked up, though, instead of running away, and went on dancing.
Sunday
orlando is okay. we basically just fucked around all day. I lost my credit card somewhere. went to the mall, saw the muppet movie (I cried, lori didn't like it), ate at the Ale House (EVERY SINGLE FOOTBALL GAME ON, IT WAS LIKE SPORTS HEAVEN), went to Universal Studios. it was pouring rain. when I walked up to the TNA Studios, Heather ran out with an umbrella for me, and the whole crowd (about 30 people) started chanting my name - "KIA! KIA! KIA!"
I swear that really happened. I can now cross off "have my name chanted at Universal Studios" off my bucket list.
Efram gave me a beautiful pic of me and Storm which I have to get scanned somewhere. It's really nice. I jumped around like a four year old when I saw it, and kept it under my shirt to keep it out of the rain. After that we had a long ass wait; they tell you to be in line by 6:30 but they don't let you in the door until 7:15. In the rain. On and off, yes, but rain. Now, I could have had good seats by the ring, but I was following Efram and Tawny, and they got on TV with their signs and me and Lori were over in the corner. On the other hand, I did get to witness a fight over Jeff Hardy's towel that got a guy banned for a year.
We drove down to Tampa after that and collapsed into bed.
Monday and Tuesday
My mother is really aggravating and I wouldn't have made it through without Lori. She made it fun. She bought a new suitcase:
mostly we shopped and drove around. my mom wanted to go to Busch Gardens but we couldn't really afford it. we went to the casino instead and gambled a little, had a few drinks. my mom took like a billion pictures of us. outside the casino, outside ihop, outside everywhere. we also had a fight in walmart. *sigh* she also put me down for wanting to be a life coach and suggested I be a bartender instead. a BARTENDER. I can't remember how to make more than two drinks no matter how hard I try.
also we were dopey enough to pack our liquor in our carry ons and didn't realize it until we headed for the gate. ended up checking another bag. but the liquor made it okay!
but yeah. wonderful vacation. I wish I could relive it groundhog day style for at least a year!
Thursday
Espy and me left to pick up Lori at her house at 4:30. As soon as she got into the car she asked me if I had my passport, and that was timely, because it turned out I left it on my bed! oops! so we had to make a little detour. otherwise everything was smooth. lori's big suitcase was busted and they had to seal it with tape at check-in; she decided she'd buy another suitcase in Tampa. Naturally, our flight to the wrestling cruise had a layover in Ric Flair Country, aka Charlotte, NC. Our flight to Orlando from there almost had a freakin' collision because the air traffic controllers weren't layering right, or so they said. that was actually kind of terrifying.
once we got to the airport, we discovered lori had lost her shuttle confirmation sheet, so we had to scramble to find a shuttle to the cruise line. the boat was lovely. not a behemoth like the disney cruise liner next to it, but a nice, lovely boat. we were in the forward section (close to the front of the boat), so whenever we wanted food we had to walk the whole length of the thing. that got old fast. as soon as we got to the room lori made us grab our lifejackets and skedaddle upstairs to the other end of the boat and a cruise employee gently told us they don't do that anymore. that was a long walk back for her with me making fun of her the whole way back. we chilled at the pool for a while, and then we did eventually go to a safety briefing and that's when I started spotting the wrestlers. On the way in, I saw Jeremy Borash kissing his girlfriend. On the way out, after a briefing led by a very annoying staff member, I saw James Storm and his wife and marked out a bit, lol. Downstairs, Kazarian and Traci Brooks were chilling, leaning against a wall. No one was bothering anybody. We kept on exploring for a while, then got ready for dinner at 6pm.
Dinner was...well, for me personally it was a little stressful. The floor was slick as shit and the boat kept rocking, so I would slide from side to side on it. Lori was even worse off because she had on these giant gray heels (beautiful shoes though!). We found our table and a girl named Heather was sitting there by herself. She told us she was from Chicago, she was celebrating her 24th birthday, and her brother was supposed to come with her but he got sick. A couple soon joined us; their names were Efram (aka Big Dog) and Tawny, from Jacksonville, and they were hilarious. I was glad they were making us laugh all night; me and Heather were marking out everytime a wrestler came near us, which was often, because they sat us in the middle of everybody. Literally. Every time I looked at Lori on my left, I could see AJ Styles laughing at his friend Christopher Daniels, or Kazarian talking with Traci. If I looked to my right, there was James Storm and Ric Flair with their wives. I was so nervous I could hardly eat; Lori got the wrong dinner, waited five minutes for the right dinner, and she eats like a snail and she still finished ahead of me. I was so nervous that at one point I ate one of my braids.
Also, Efram told us he'd learned that TNA had reserved 300 rooms for fans but only 50 people signed up. That was a little sad, and probably means they won't do it again :(
After that, we went to the liquor tasting, which was just a bunch of people lined up for shots at the liquor store table; the grand atrium bar, where they had a "let it snow" snowmaking moment and we took the below picture:
see me covering my drink there
then the latin dance lesson, which was that annoying staff guy from the safety lesson teaching people a long, useless routine; then we hung out waiting for the club to open. I swung around a pole to avoid AJ, Daniels and Kazarian and nearly fell on a patch of water. we stopped in the cafeteria for coffee and saw AJ Styles check Lori out briefly. sat in front of the club and saw Storm walk by. I was so drunk I said "let's follow him!" lol, no. we started the party there, where I learned the old school "Nasty Girl" dance has been repurposed as the "Wobble Dance", failed to teach Lori the electric slide, and watched two guys have a breakdance competition. It was a good start to the vacation.
Friday
The best day.
Early start, breakfast, went down to the Polo Lounge for the Morning Meet & Greet, which the itinerary said started at 9 am. By 9:15 we hadn't seen anybody. I was super nervous earlier so I took a whole Klonopin, and it kicked in strongly, so I was a fucking sludgy mess at 9am but straight chilling at 10 am, so that worked out. We were shooting the breeze with a family who'd come down from Nova Scotia, and once the TNA staff showed up, the husband got up and asked where Bobby Roode and Velvet Sky were, since none of us had seen them yesterday. Velvet was there with her boyfriend Chris Sabin; they'd just been in their room all night. But Bobby Roode, the man I'd paid for this cruise to see? He had a family emergency and wasn't on the boat! :( I was crushed :( tbh I sat there for half an hour, moping, especially because Mr. Anderson, my LEAST favorite wrestler was there. That did explain why Christopher Daniels was on the boat. But I'm an adult, and most importantly, an adult with an MP3 player, my favorite Phillies necklace on and klonopin in my system, so I turned up the music and danced on in.
The room was set up so there were four tables, three wrestlers to a table. The tables went like this: Jeremy Borash, Karen Jarrett, and Jeff Jarrett; Ric Flair, Mr, Anderson; James Storm, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels; Velvet Sky, Chris Sabin. Traci and Kaz were sitting together but I forget where they were at. Of the 12, three really interacted with me, the rest were all "you're welcome" or silent. Jeremy Borash was nice and very chipper. Jeff Jarrett messed with me a little bit. He asked how I was, I told him I was tired from getting the party started at the club last night, and he was like, "well, that's your fault!" LOL. I like Jeff Jarrett more and more each day. I was a little disappointed to get only a quick hi from AJ Styles, but, eh. James Storm, on the other hand, wanted to have a conversation.
Storm: Hi, how are you?
Me: I'm spectacular, and yourself? smiling. damn, his eyes are green.
Storm: I'm good, too. Where are you from?
Me: I'm from Philly, all day.
Storm: Oh, yeah, you an Eagles fan?
Me and Lori: Oh yeah. Is James Storm really treating me like a human being? omg
Lori: It's hard right now.
Storm: We could have told you Vince Young was terrible. He's good for throwing 3 or 4 interceptions per game.
Me: Well, Vick is coming back this week so we're going to be good.
Storm: Oh yeah? That's good. Well good luck!
Well after that, how could I not love Storm? He was so friendly, and so sweet. We got our posters signed by the rest (hi, thank you, hi, thank you etc) and the staff told us after the signing we could take pictures, and have coffee and danishes in the meantime. I passed the time by whipping Lori with my hair and dancing for Heather. Lori wanted to take a pic with Ric Flair:
since he was the only one she knew. I took Heather's picture with Mr. Anderson - she thought he was hot, blech - and she got one with Jarrett and Chris Sabin too, I think. I got one with Storm:
damn he's so cute the way he gets all close to you. I told him he smelled good, haha
and I got AJ Styles, who naturally gave me a Christian side hug:
he has nice shoulder blades, I guess
afterwards we went upstairs and played mini golf in a strong wind, and I kicked Lori's ass. she got so mad she wouldn't keep score by the 8th hole. I even got a hole in one!
v=
smooth.
quick lunch of kind of bland Jamaican food, then we got off the boat and walked around the Nassau tourist shopping district a little. all the tourists were in shorts and the residents were in long pants and dark colors. there were no traffic lights, just well dressed cops directing traffic everywhere. we stopped in a few souvenir shops and a perfume shop just to look, and bought two rum cakes and two bottles of rum from the Tortuga gift shop. their coconut rum cake is the truth. we took pictures by the sign near the boats:
I've got liquor. you betta recognize.
on the way back, we ran into the wrestlers again, all heading out in a group. Daniels was whipping his shirt off again and twirling it around his head. Storm had his Beer Hunter shirt on, which I would get better acquainted with later on.
that night we had a beach party scheduled at Breezes Bahamas and they told us to be on the bus at 6:30 sharp. We piled on the buses; Efram and Tawny were on the bus with the wrestlers, and she told me one of the female wrestlers was complaining about the fans but wouldn't say which one. I bet it was Velvet, she was aloof all weekend. Anyway, our tour guide was funny, his name was Phil, which stood for something like Proud, Hilarious, Intelligent and Lovely, so he said. He told us about some of the sights as we drove. It was a little weird driving on the left and seeing minibuses everywhere. Once there we had to sign waivers and get wristbands. I knew it was going to be a crazy night when a dude flashed us from his hotel room while we were walking to the beach. Nothin' but decadence up in there.
However, I started out mad. I can't stand the beach. I was all dressed for a nice party, damnit! Me and Lori kicked off our shoes and went straight to the bar. I had 3 vodka and cranberries in quick succession, and the damn tables kept sinking into the sand. Efram spilled two drinks in a row. Heather was drinking straight vodka and told us today was her birthday, so we all decided to make it nice for her. The buffet was okay; the highlight was Daniels and Lori talking about having bad eyesight over the corn and Traci & Lori getting excited over cheese. We were sitting at the table next to the wrestlers and I heard a story AJ Styles told about a bar mitzvah. Once we ate, though, Efram told me about this drink one of the bartenders recommended to him; it's called a Goombay Splash. Lots of rum, lots of juice. I had at least two of those; maybe three, and THEN I started getting happy. The band had disappeared and the DJ came on; he was playing a song trying to teach people how to wind (that's a dance) and Ric Flair was up there, hip thrusting away. Me and Lori tried to wind on the sand, but we just can't dance, lol. The fire dancer came out and put a dish of fire on everyone's head; I was a little worried because I had enough grease on me to go up like a roman candle, but I was good. someone there did get their mustache singed, though. the limbo dancer came out and he did this thing where he stood ric flair's shoes on end, put the poles on top, lit the poles on fire and slid underneath them. it was amazing.
now we're getting to my favorite part of the night.
I was fucking wasted. I fell over a couple of times, but was able to pass it off as Tebowing once. I had Lori help me lie down on the table for a minute. as soon as I laid down, here came a marching band with a conga line following it. I got right back up for that and started dancing in line. James Storm came up, put his arm around me, and said, "come on girl, let's conga to the front of the line." I put my arm around him and we danced to the front, and danced a little more there once the band stopped. now, I have to say, I get super anxious when I'm around a hot guy, so I couldn't stay in his company long. it's a curse. so I shook the sand out of my hair and stumbled back over to the table, and then to the dance floor again. we did the cupid shuffle, heather was breaking it down on the dance floor and got into a kid 'n play dance off with another person, efram was taking like 400 pictures of us dancing with tawny.
then James Storm backed that thing up on me.
Seriously, I was dancing there, and the next thing I know, Storm is popping his booty on me. I was a little shocked, but then I was like, awww the fuck yeah, come here with that nice ass, and I pushed him down and grabbed for his ponytail. I missed (remember I'm drunk) but I definitely got a handful of hair. well idk how James feels about his hair, but he was feeling some kind of way, because then he turned me around, pushed my head down, and grabbed a handful of my hair. look, y'all, when he grabbed my hair, I was like
WHAT THE SHIT THAT'S THE ON SWITCH COME HERE BOY AND BUST MY BACK OUT
I mean, if his wife hadn't been there, panties would have been dropped. I'm so serious. of course, Storm has that effect on lots of women, you know. His wife was really mad and they spent the next 10 minutes talking on the dance floor. I was like hahahahaha Storm got in trouble
A little later on, on the dance floor, they started playing the song "Back That Thing Up". I was dancing with Lori and I turned around, ready to drop it on her, and lo and behold AJ Styles, of the great big ol' booty, is dancing in front of me, arms around his wife, booty jigglin' and motherfuckin' wigglin'. I looked at him, and then I thought, if I touch this man, God is gonna strike me down. Lightning is gonna come down and fry my ass right on this dance floor. So, although it killed me, I turned back around and resisted the temptation. In the long run, I'm fine, but man, it hurt. it hurt a lot. lol
the wrestlers were having a great time. at one point Jeff Jarrett was tebowing in the sand taking pics. Kazarian, AJ and Daniels hopped on a table and AJ took his shirt off and flung it to his wife but Heather caught it. almost kept it too, lol, but she handed it to his wife. all three of them were dancing with their shirts off. I wish I'd gotten a picture of that. Karen Jarrett was getting crazy and dancing on the table too. a bunch of them got on the stage with the DJ and he had to tell them to get down, haha. Me and Lori were sitting at the table laughing at this. Kaz walked by and was like, "did you hear them playing Justin Bieber? what was up with that?" and we were just like, yeah, we know, it's weird.
Heather got even drunker and I spent a little while picking her up off the beach. she kept going though, I mean, a little beach faceplant wouldn't get her down. she wanted a picture with storm, but she was too shy to talk to him, so I went over there. he was cool. I turned back around and Heather was face down in the sand again. I said to Storm, "sorry, she's working on her coordination." she did eventually make it over, and of course I almost tripped when I was taking the picture. Heather went off somewhere (she was forever walking off without saying anything) and I asked Storm if I could give him a hug. He said sure, so we hugged and I told him in his ear, "thank you for making my cruise so awesome." well, he kept his arm around me and said in my ear, "I'm glad you're having a good time. I just want everybody to have a good time. you know what I'm saying? this life is short and we only get one chance to live it, you know, we don't get reincarnation-"
I said, "oh no, we get reincarnated, and I'm coming back as a cat." and then I ran away. because he is hot and I have the brain of a hamster. biggest regret of the vacation is not staying there and talking to him some more.
Lori was ready to go at that point, so I picked Heather up off the sand one more time and we left on one of the shuttles. the driver going back was in a major hurry and we were whipping around corners and around other minibuses. he let us off and we got so drunk we got lost at the security checkpoint for a while. got back on the boat, went to the buffet, and had some water with heather and another couple, rich and stacen or something like that, just to ward off the hangover. I found out later Heather went to the club on the ship after that, and Storm was there with two people holding him up, and he was like, "Heather, are you okay? I heard you kept falling down!"
I do wish I had pictures from that night, but they probably would have all been terrible. I was sooo drunk. I went to bed that night, not even showering, and woke up with sand in all my fat rolls
Saturday
Kinda a blah day with not much to do. I did crosswords by the pool. spotted the wrestlers at lunch. james storm went to the salad bar. he still had on his beer hunter shirt. won two trivia contests (played with lori and stacen) and walked around slapping them on my shoulder like Roode with his belt. the guys I beat were SO mad. we went to the VIP Reception and the drinks were mostly mixer because I had four of those fuckers and they didn't do shit. also, we were sitting in the corner, and Storm was sitting at the next table over with Flair and it was making me anxious again. I took a picture with him, but it didn't come out very well:
and I was a little bummed about it because Borash announced that was the last time they would be taking pictures. we went straight to dinner from there, and again, AJ Styles on my left, Storm on my right, compounded by Mr. Anderson at the table across from me, looking straight down my dress. Efram and Tawny teased me ALL DINNER about having a crush on Storm. I think they liked seeing me blush and shake my braids down to hide my face. I almost fucking fell on my way to the bathroom to get away from them. Again, I couldn't eat dinner, only made it halfway through a decent steak and passed on dessert, opting to stick with a red bull and sprite since I was so tired.
when dinner ended, Tawny actually got up and asked Storm to take another picture with me since the last one didn't come out well. I told Lori we had to leave, tout suite, but he caught me anyway, damnit. Both Lori and Efram took pics this time, here's Lori's:
as we were posing for pics he said something to me but I couldn't make it out and I was too shy to ask him to repeat himself. btw, he really, really smells good all the time and his body is like so thick and yummy. I thanked him again and he was like, "you're welcome, honey." damn baby you can call me whatever you want
went back to the hotel room and passed out. lori went to the comedy show. I woke up 2 hours later and went to the club. I was dancing and at one point I made a wrong turn and everybody on the floor was facing me. I bucked up, though, instead of running away, and went on dancing.
Sunday
orlando is okay. we basically just fucked around all day. I lost my credit card somewhere. went to the mall, saw the muppet movie (I cried, lori didn't like it), ate at the Ale House (EVERY SINGLE FOOTBALL GAME ON, IT WAS LIKE SPORTS HEAVEN), went to Universal Studios. it was pouring rain. when I walked up to the TNA Studios, Heather ran out with an umbrella for me, and the whole crowd (about 30 people) started chanting my name - "KIA! KIA! KIA!"
I swear that really happened. I can now cross off "have my name chanted at Universal Studios" off my bucket list.
Efram gave me a beautiful pic of me and Storm which I have to get scanned somewhere. It's really nice. I jumped around like a four year old when I saw it, and kept it under my shirt to keep it out of the rain. After that we had a long ass wait; they tell you to be in line by 6:30 but they don't let you in the door until 7:15. In the rain. On and off, yes, but rain. Now, I could have had good seats by the ring, but I was following Efram and Tawny, and they got on TV with their signs and me and Lori were over in the corner. On the other hand, I did get to witness a fight over Jeff Hardy's towel that got a guy banned for a year.
We drove down to Tampa after that and collapsed into bed.
Monday and Tuesday
My mother is really aggravating and I wouldn't have made it through without Lori. She made it fun. She bought a new suitcase:
mostly we shopped and drove around. my mom wanted to go to Busch Gardens but we couldn't really afford it. we went to the casino instead and gambled a little, had a few drinks. my mom took like a billion pictures of us. outside the casino, outside ihop, outside everywhere. we also had a fight in walmart. *sigh* she also put me down for wanting to be a life coach and suggested I be a bartender instead. a BARTENDER. I can't remember how to make more than two drinks no matter how hard I try.
also we were dopey enough to pack our liquor in our carry ons and didn't realize it until we headed for the gate. ended up checking another bag. but the liquor made it okay!
but yeah. wonderful vacation. I wish I could relive it groundhog day style for at least a year!