Fic: The Knot For Our Heart (part 18)
Part 18
Mal lay sleeping, his extravagantly long eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks. River put her head on her arm, and watched him sleep. She thought she could see what he looked like as a boy, back before he learned about the various ways someone's life could come to an abrupt and messy end. Folks who never harmed a soul from the same kind of bastard that could wire someone's brain and fry them, all found themselves ended. "No one ever seems to expect it's gonna happen, neither," Mal had said. "They all look ruttin' surprised."
Sometimes when they talked about these things, River could feel the weary heaviness that Mal carried around with him, and Mal could see that she did, and he got even more weary. That's when they went out, if they could, and got into a fight in a bar, against mean people. It cleared the air, and usually got them a fistful of money. Usually they'd go eat somewhere with really good dumplings, and come back cheerful. Zoe would say, "You two are very annoying," but she'd say it indulgently, seeing as Mal and River were never as smoochy in public as Zoe and Wash had been, let alone Kaylee and Simon.
The rest of the crew seemed to think that River and Mal didn't quarrel, because she could read minds, but that just showed how little they knew about anything. When Mal got really irritated, he could project a sullen, frustrated anger that clouded everything she would have tried to hear. Most of the time, his grouchiness was just a venting of pressure, and not intended to cause harm. Sometimes, though, she would just react without even meaning to, and they would squabble for hours. It seemed that both of them wanted to have the last word.
They didn't fight about how he still discussed everything with Zoe, or Inara being so bewildered about Mal and River, or even that Mal had sat up in bed one morning and said, "Do you think your brother is sly and he ain't figured it out yet?" No, they fought about jobs and how Mal didn't want her going on most jobs because he wanted her to be Wash and be ready to bring the ship to him; how she had suggested that they use her psychic abilities to win at gambling (and he would have thought it was a fine idea if she wasn't his girl) and how she had finally had enough with how small his locker was, and had bought another one that Kaylee put together behind the ladder.
That was yesterday's fight.
Mal had come in, and turned around, frowning at the difference. He really hadn't noticed, of course, when she and Kaylee had scoured all the grime and rust from the cabin, and rearranged all of Mal's crap so there'd be room for RIver's crap. The new locker, however, was furniture and therefore, Mal took exception to it being there.
"It's wasted space behind the ladder," she told Mal. "That locker doesn't take up any room at all! And the sheets and towels don't need to be all wadded up in our bags."
"You didn't ask me!" Mal glared at the locker---which had only two metal drawers---as if she'd set up an entire room of furniture in his way.
"Well, I have to have somewhere to put my shoes," she had said, nastily. "You've got the entire table taken up with gun parts!"
Then they had yelled things about each other that were mostly accurate, until she huffed and climbed up the ladder and left him to it, all the bundles of clothes and linens heaped on the bed and chairs. She stopped in the hallway, so she could mop up her eyes. She didn't want Mal to see her crying, because she would automatically win.
She heard something crash, downstairs, in the bunk.
Of course, River being up and out of the bunk was one thing. Where she went was another. If she went down to her official bunk, Mal was capable of thinking that she was breaking up with him. She went to the galley to get something to eat, and found Jayne cleaning a gun and talking to Kaylee about weapon oil and metallurgy as applied to weapons.
"See, this one's not like Vera. Fire it too fast---pull the trigger in jerks, instead of squeezin' it---it'll overheat and jam. But it's good for being in close corners."
Kaylee was straddling a chair, her arms on the back. "What's this gun's name?"
Jayne gave her a disgusted look. "I don't name all my guns. I just call Vera, Vera, because she's the best and the most reliable. She's overkill for most jobs, though; it's not like I can put her in my pocket." He looked at River. "Cap put together that old pistol, yet?"
"No," River said, opening the cookie tin. "It's still in pieces on the table. I think he can't remember how he took it apart, and won't admit it."
Kaylee nodded again. "I've done that with engine parts. When I get them from the junk yard, sometimes I have to take 'em apart to figure out how they'd work."
River put a cookie in her teeth, and took another one, and went out and up to the bridge, to check the auto-guidance. They were still locked into their route. Kaylee had moved all the alarms and sensors to her and Mal's instead of Zoe and Wash's cabin, since they were the pilots.
Zoe came onto the bridge. "What is Mal doing down there? Remodeling?"
"I left before the noise started," River said.
"Sounds like he's kicking the bulkhead," Zoe said. "That's what he does when he doesn't want to admit he's being an asshole." She smiled. "I heard the yelling. It's a good thing, gets everything out in the open. Captain likes to yell, anyway. You know as well as I do that it's when he gets quiet that there's real trouble. Not that you've asked me my opinion."
"It's one thing for Mal to ask your opinion," River said. "If I went and asked your opinion, his brain'd explode."
"Oh, if we ever ganged up against him, he knows we'd win," Zoe said. "Course, we don't want to do that."
"Not unless we have to," River said. She saw that she still held a cookie, and popped it in her mouth.
"Oh, that probably won't happen," Zoe said. "Mal figures out things pretty well."
"I know," River said. She finished chewing the cookie and swallowed. "I have to figure this out as I go," she said. "Never had anybody except Simon, until I came on Serenity." She tilted her head, nodding at the deck below. "I don't really know how to fight with someone and not---ruin everything." She looked at Zoe, remembering the heat and intensity that Zoe and Wash gave off when they were together. She couldn't remember them fighting, except for the time that made Wash take Zoe's place on the job. Which ended with Mal being tortured until his heart stopped and having to get his ear sewed back on.
"Wash and me fought, plenty," Zoe said, answering River's enquiring look.
When River went down the hatch ladder, the first thing she noticed was that the sheets and towels were stacked on top of the new locker. Mal had, actually, learned how to square away a bunk when he was in the army. He just didn't take the time to do it, because he had so many other things to handle on ship that he was a little frayed for time. He said.
Mal himself was at the sink, suspenders down and shirt off, washing his face. He looked up at her. "You okay?" he asked. He dried his face, and dabbed at the wet patch on his undershirt.
"Yeah," she said, and went back up a couple of rungs, to close the hatch. When she got back down, Mal was waiting for her at the foot of the ladder. As her face reached the same level as his, he put his arms around her to stop her.
"I don't mean half of what I say. You know that," he said. "Don't run off. Stay and fight me. You're not scared of me, are you?" He had her trapped against the ladder, looking directly into her eyes.
"No, not ever," River said. "It's not that. I don't know to---I don't know how to be within normal perimeters. I can't reference my childhood avatars, because they were all false. All the couples, my parents---I only know about--"
"Don't be embarrassed," Mal said. "It's just you and me." His voice dropped a notch, became softer. "It ain't like I'm used to living with someone, either. There ain't no real rules." He hesitated, his hands drifting over her shoulders, her arms, just using his fingertips. "I think---we're doing just fine. Course, all I got to steer by is watching Zoe and Wash."
"Me, too," River said. She put her hands on his shoulders. "The thing is, Mal, I keep thinking that I'm taking advantage of you."
Mal smiled, incredulous. "That's an interesting take on the matter. No."
"You didn't have to let me move in with you," she said. She touched the hair over his right ear, where a few tiny flecks of gray were appearing. She touched the thin seam of scar behind his other ear. She was so glad she was too far away to hear him, that time.
"Yes, I did," Mal said. He leaned into her touch. "Everyone---and I mean Inara---seems to have this theory that I don't really love you. The thing is, little albatross, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't even remember what it was like to not have you with me. The thing is," and he hesitated again, "sometimes I wish---" and he looked at her, tacitly giving her permission to listen to his thoughts.
Do you really love me? Do you know what you're doing?
River put her hands on Mal's face. "Yes, and yes, and yes."
He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them. "And you aren't scared of me hurting you?"
"I cry when I'm angry, too," River said.
Mal picked her up. "But you mainly cry when you're scared," he said.
"I'm never scared of you," she told him.
"I actually have noticed that," he said. He set her down on the bed. "But I get worried." He bent to take off his boots, and River put her palm on his back, right where the cotton strained over his shoulders. "Basically, the reason why the gambling idea won't work, is that most of the places we go, they already know that none of us can win at tall card, consistently, I mean. Wash was the only one who could win. So if any of us show up, they'll start wondering what the fix is."
He stood up and set his boots to one side, and unfastened his suspenders. "I'd like to get one gorram pair that didn't wear out," he muttered, examining the clips.
"What about bigger places?" River asked. She pulled her own boots off and tossed them in the corner.
"Yeah, well, we'd have to think about what kind of people go to the bigger places and who runs 'em," he said. "Let me talk to Zoe and Jayne."
"Did you break anything when you were stomping around down here?" River asked.
"No, " Mal said, with dignity. "I was trying to pull the new locker out of the wall, but it didn't budge. Move over."
River moved over an inch, still tugging her dress off, over her head. Mal slapped her hip, and she squeaked, outraged. "I'm caught," she said. "Mal---my hair---"
"Hold still," he said. He pulled the skirt back over her face and around her neck, intent. "It's snagged on a button. Hold still, I've got it." He tugged her dress off, and they both got under the covers.
"Fighting wears me out," River sighed. She lay on her stomach, and put both hands under her pillow.
"What's everyone else doing?" Mal asked, rubbing her shoulders. "Knots. You should get a massage, next time we're on Helvetica. I don't want to walk on your spine, this high up."
"I don't wanna go back there," River said. "Too cold. We gotta go someplace warm, let you lay in the sunshine."
"I'd just get burned," Mal said, digging his thumbs into a muscle. "Ssh. I don't like being so mean I make you cry."
"Because I'm a girl?" River asked, rolling on her side to face him. "And you're not supposed to make girls cry?"
Mal laid his palm on her cheek. "Because you're my girl and I shouldn't do it." He looked at her for a moment. "You just gotta take a stand and say, 'Mal, this is my bunk, too.' "
"Mal, this is my bunk, too," River repeated.
They smiled at each other.
:
Mal snorted, waking up. He was like a cat, that way; he seemed to know if someone was watching him. "Morning. Did I promise to repaint in here, or anything like that?" He ran a hand up inside her thigh.
"No," River said, closing her eyes. Mal bent over her, and they kissed, languorously. Mal pulled the sheet back so he could suck on her nipples through the fabric of her chemise, and River sighed, her hips already grinding against him. He planted wet kisses down to her navel, then pushed the covers back so he could settle himself between her legs. River spread her arms out, and took hold of the mattress. When Mal ate her out, he took his time about it, and didn't stop until she was making high-pitched squeaks.
This time, he had to let her stop shaking before he could put himself inside, because she was almost over-stimulated. By the time he'd even done more than stroke in and out a couple of times, she was already pounding his shoulders and moaning like someone was throttling her. He yelled, and they crashed together.
She opened her right hand and strands of Mal's hair clung to her wet palm.
Mal lay sleeping, his extravagantly long eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks. River put her head on her arm, and watched him sleep. She thought she could see what he looked like as a boy, back before he learned about the various ways someone's life could come to an abrupt and messy end. Folks who never harmed a soul from the same kind of bastard that could wire someone's brain and fry them, all found themselves ended. "No one ever seems to expect it's gonna happen, neither," Mal had said. "They all look ruttin' surprised."
Sometimes when they talked about these things, River could feel the weary heaviness that Mal carried around with him, and Mal could see that she did, and he got even more weary. That's when they went out, if they could, and got into a fight in a bar, against mean people. It cleared the air, and usually got them a fistful of money. Usually they'd go eat somewhere with really good dumplings, and come back cheerful. Zoe would say, "You two are very annoying," but she'd say it indulgently, seeing as Mal and River were never as smoochy in public as Zoe and Wash had been, let alone Kaylee and Simon.
The rest of the crew seemed to think that River and Mal didn't quarrel, because she could read minds, but that just showed how little they knew about anything. When Mal got really irritated, he could project a sullen, frustrated anger that clouded everything she would have tried to hear. Most of the time, his grouchiness was just a venting of pressure, and not intended to cause harm. Sometimes, though, she would just react without even meaning to, and they would squabble for hours. It seemed that both of them wanted to have the last word.
They didn't fight about how he still discussed everything with Zoe, or Inara being so bewildered about Mal and River, or even that Mal had sat up in bed one morning and said, "Do you think your brother is sly and he ain't figured it out yet?" No, they fought about jobs and how Mal didn't want her going on most jobs because he wanted her to be Wash and be ready to bring the ship to him; how she had suggested that they use her psychic abilities to win at gambling (and he would have thought it was a fine idea if she wasn't his girl) and how she had finally had enough with how small his locker was, and had bought another one that Kaylee put together behind the ladder.
That was yesterday's fight.
Mal had come in, and turned around, frowning at the difference. He really hadn't noticed, of course, when she and Kaylee had scoured all the grime and rust from the cabin, and rearranged all of Mal's crap so there'd be room for RIver's crap. The new locker, however, was furniture and therefore, Mal took exception to it being there.
"It's wasted space behind the ladder," she told Mal. "That locker doesn't take up any room at all! And the sheets and towels don't need to be all wadded up in our bags."
"You didn't ask me!" Mal glared at the locker---which had only two metal drawers---as if she'd set up an entire room of furniture in his way.
"Well, I have to have somewhere to put my shoes," she had said, nastily. "You've got the entire table taken up with gun parts!"
Then they had yelled things about each other that were mostly accurate, until she huffed and climbed up the ladder and left him to it, all the bundles of clothes and linens heaped on the bed and chairs. She stopped in the hallway, so she could mop up her eyes. She didn't want Mal to see her crying, because she would automatically win.
She heard something crash, downstairs, in the bunk.
Of course, River being up and out of the bunk was one thing. Where she went was another. If she went down to her official bunk, Mal was capable of thinking that she was breaking up with him. She went to the galley to get something to eat, and found Jayne cleaning a gun and talking to Kaylee about weapon oil and metallurgy as applied to weapons.
"See, this one's not like Vera. Fire it too fast---pull the trigger in jerks, instead of squeezin' it---it'll overheat and jam. But it's good for being in close corners."
Kaylee was straddling a chair, her arms on the back. "What's this gun's name?"
Jayne gave her a disgusted look. "I don't name all my guns. I just call Vera, Vera, because she's the best and the most reliable. She's overkill for most jobs, though; it's not like I can put her in my pocket." He looked at River. "Cap put together that old pistol, yet?"
"No," River said, opening the cookie tin. "It's still in pieces on the table. I think he can't remember how he took it apart, and won't admit it."
Kaylee nodded again. "I've done that with engine parts. When I get them from the junk yard, sometimes I have to take 'em apart to figure out how they'd work."
River put a cookie in her teeth, and took another one, and went out and up to the bridge, to check the auto-guidance. They were still locked into their route. Kaylee had moved all the alarms and sensors to her and Mal's instead of Zoe and Wash's cabin, since they were the pilots.
Zoe came onto the bridge. "What is Mal doing down there? Remodeling?"
"I left before the noise started," River said.
"Sounds like he's kicking the bulkhead," Zoe said. "That's what he does when he doesn't want to admit he's being an asshole." She smiled. "I heard the yelling. It's a good thing, gets everything out in the open. Captain likes to yell, anyway. You know as well as I do that it's when he gets quiet that there's real trouble. Not that you've asked me my opinion."
"It's one thing for Mal to ask your opinion," River said. "If I went and asked your opinion, his brain'd explode."
"Oh, if we ever ganged up against him, he knows we'd win," Zoe said. "Course, we don't want to do that."
"Not unless we have to," River said. She saw that she still held a cookie, and popped it in her mouth.
"Oh, that probably won't happen," Zoe said. "Mal figures out things pretty well."
"I know," River said. She finished chewing the cookie and swallowed. "I have to figure this out as I go," she said. "Never had anybody except Simon, until I came on Serenity." She tilted her head, nodding at the deck below. "I don't really know how to fight with someone and not---ruin everything." She looked at Zoe, remembering the heat and intensity that Zoe and Wash gave off when they were together. She couldn't remember them fighting, except for the time that made Wash take Zoe's place on the job. Which ended with Mal being tortured until his heart stopped and having to get his ear sewed back on.
"Wash and me fought, plenty," Zoe said, answering River's enquiring look.
When River went down the hatch ladder, the first thing she noticed was that the sheets and towels were stacked on top of the new locker. Mal had, actually, learned how to square away a bunk when he was in the army. He just didn't take the time to do it, because he had so many other things to handle on ship that he was a little frayed for time. He said.
Mal himself was at the sink, suspenders down and shirt off, washing his face. He looked up at her. "You okay?" he asked. He dried his face, and dabbed at the wet patch on his undershirt.
"Yeah," she said, and went back up a couple of rungs, to close the hatch. When she got back down, Mal was waiting for her at the foot of the ladder. As her face reached the same level as his, he put his arms around her to stop her.
"I don't mean half of what I say. You know that," he said. "Don't run off. Stay and fight me. You're not scared of me, are you?" He had her trapped against the ladder, looking directly into her eyes.
"No, not ever," River said. "It's not that. I don't know to---I don't know how to be within normal perimeters. I can't reference my childhood avatars, because they were all false. All the couples, my parents---I only know about--"
"Don't be embarrassed," Mal said. "It's just you and me." His voice dropped a notch, became softer. "It ain't like I'm used to living with someone, either. There ain't no real rules." He hesitated, his hands drifting over her shoulders, her arms, just using his fingertips. "I think---we're doing just fine. Course, all I got to steer by is watching Zoe and Wash."
"Me, too," River said. She put her hands on his shoulders. "The thing is, Mal, I keep thinking that I'm taking advantage of you."
Mal smiled, incredulous. "That's an interesting take on the matter. No."
"You didn't have to let me move in with you," she said. She touched the hair over his right ear, where a few tiny flecks of gray were appearing. She touched the thin seam of scar behind his other ear. She was so glad she was too far away to hear him, that time.
"Yes, I did," Mal said. He leaned into her touch. "Everyone---and I mean Inara---seems to have this theory that I don't really love you. The thing is, little albatross, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't even remember what it was like to not have you with me. The thing is," and he hesitated again, "sometimes I wish---" and he looked at her, tacitly giving her permission to listen to his thoughts.
Do you really love me? Do you know what you're doing?
River put her hands on Mal's face. "Yes, and yes, and yes."
He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them. "And you aren't scared of me hurting you?"
"I cry when I'm angry, too," River said.
Mal picked her up. "But you mainly cry when you're scared," he said.
"I'm never scared of you," she told him.
"I actually have noticed that," he said. He set her down on the bed. "But I get worried." He bent to take off his boots, and River put her palm on his back, right where the cotton strained over his shoulders. "Basically, the reason why the gambling idea won't work, is that most of the places we go, they already know that none of us can win at tall card, consistently, I mean. Wash was the only one who could win. So if any of us show up, they'll start wondering what the fix is."
He stood up and set his boots to one side, and unfastened his suspenders. "I'd like to get one gorram pair that didn't wear out," he muttered, examining the clips.
"What about bigger places?" River asked. She pulled her own boots off and tossed them in the corner.
"Yeah, well, we'd have to think about what kind of people go to the bigger places and who runs 'em," he said. "Let me talk to Zoe and Jayne."
"Did you break anything when you were stomping around down here?" River asked.
"No, " Mal said, with dignity. "I was trying to pull the new locker out of the wall, but it didn't budge. Move over."
River moved over an inch, still tugging her dress off, over her head. Mal slapped her hip, and she squeaked, outraged. "I'm caught," she said. "Mal---my hair---"
"Hold still," he said. He pulled the skirt back over her face and around her neck, intent. "It's snagged on a button. Hold still, I've got it." He tugged her dress off, and they both got under the covers.
"Fighting wears me out," River sighed. She lay on her stomach, and put both hands under her pillow.
"What's everyone else doing?" Mal asked, rubbing her shoulders. "Knots. You should get a massage, next time we're on Helvetica. I don't want to walk on your spine, this high up."
"I don't wanna go back there," River said. "Too cold. We gotta go someplace warm, let you lay in the sunshine."
"I'd just get burned," Mal said, digging his thumbs into a muscle. "Ssh. I don't like being so mean I make you cry."
"Because I'm a girl?" River asked, rolling on her side to face him. "And you're not supposed to make girls cry?"
Mal laid his palm on her cheek. "Because you're my girl and I shouldn't do it." He looked at her for a moment. "You just gotta take a stand and say, 'Mal, this is my bunk, too.' "
"Mal, this is my bunk, too," River repeated.
They smiled at each other.
:
Mal snorted, waking up. He was like a cat, that way; he seemed to know if someone was watching him. "Morning. Did I promise to repaint in here, or anything like that?" He ran a hand up inside her thigh.
"No," River said, closing her eyes. Mal bent over her, and they kissed, languorously. Mal pulled the sheet back so he could suck on her nipples through the fabric of her chemise, and River sighed, her hips already grinding against him. He planted wet kisses down to her navel, then pushed the covers back so he could settle himself between her legs. River spread her arms out, and took hold of the mattress. When Mal ate her out, he took his time about it, and didn't stop until she was making high-pitched squeaks.
This time, he had to let her stop shaking before he could put himself inside, because she was almost over-stimulated. By the time he'd even done more than stroke in and out a couple of times, she was already pounding his shoulders and moaning like someone was throttling her. He yelled, and they crashed together.
She opened her right hand and strands of Mal's hair clung to her wet palm.