4 feb 1983
Jamie turned one today. Birthday party at my mum's house, it went well. Thanks, everyone. He had a good day.
Looks like the Harpies party is on the 17th. Should be something this year.
It's for the best.
I don't want to explain myself to anyone. It's none of their business, and they never understand. They can't understand because there are some people who will never have someone who loves them and supports them and and trusts them and lays in bed next to them for the rest of their life. It took me a long time to learn that lesson and sometimes I still want it to be true but I can't change it.
It would've happened. Maybe in months, maybe in years. He didn't trust me. I know that look. I know the 'I love you, but' look.
I don't want Jamie to get attached to someone just so they can fall away when it finally kicks in.
The last month or so was hard but the last week's been all right. I'm fine and everything is straightforward. It's just me and Jamie. No one else. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm not trying to keep anyone loving me, I'm not watching every twitch of anyone's face trying to figure out what's going on in his head, when he'll decide that it's for the best that he pull away.
I don't blame them. Any of them. I'm not much of anything. I'm not worth fighting for. Even I don't want to fight for myself.
Being lonely alone is better than being lonely with someone else. I suppose.
Drinking helps. I'm going to keep on. I don't care what anyone says. I get to let some steam off. I'm still human.
Looks like the Harpies party is on the 17th. Should be something this year.
It's for the best.
I don't want to explain myself to anyone. It's none of their business, and they never understand. They can't understand because there are some people who will never have someone who loves them and supports them and and trusts them and lays in bed next to them for the rest of their life. It took me a long time to learn that lesson and sometimes I still want it to be true but I can't change it.
It would've happened. Maybe in months, maybe in years. He didn't trust me. I know that look. I know the 'I love you, but' look.
I don't want Jamie to get attached to someone just so they can fall away when it finally kicks in.
The last month or so was hard but the last week's been all right. I'm fine and everything is straightforward. It's just me and Jamie. No one else. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm not trying to keep anyone loving me, I'm not watching every twitch of anyone's face trying to figure out what's going on in his head, when he'll decide that it's for the best that he pull away.
I don't blame them. Any of them. I'm not much of anything. I'm not worth fighting for. Even I don't want to fight for myself.
Being lonely alone is better than being lonely with someone else. I suppose.
Drinking helps. I'm going to keep on. I don't care what anyone says. I get to let some steam off. I'm still human.