BEAUTY OF THE FORBIDDEN - 12 (2/2)/? - JONGHYUN X KIBUM
Title: Beauty of the Forbidden
Paring: Jonghyun/Kibum, Jonghyun/Jessica
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17 (PG-13)
Genre: AU, romance, angst, smut
Chapter: Chapter 12, part two: Remember
Warnings: Pervy stuff?
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except from the plot.
Summary: Jonghyun is bored, Kibum is curious and lust is sinful
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Beauty of the Forbidden
Chapter 12, part two: Remember
The fact Kibum did nothing at work the few times he went there didn't upset Jinki. He was still wearing the green and white uniform and he did occasionally adjust the wooden chairs, but other than that Kibum was kind of just another furniture in the café. He was sitting down with one elbow on the round table, supporting his face on his hand. The cup of tea Jinki had placed in front of him remained untouched.
“Thank you. Have a nice day!” Jinki smiled as his costumers left. It was a Thursday morning, barely even lunch time yet, so the café was comfortably empty. Jinki walked over to the table closest to him, where Kibum was sitting in silence. “How are you feeling?”
Kibum shrugged his shoulders. There was a moment of silence before he spoke up. “I was thinking... I didn't call granny that often. She would always ask me to call more often. I don't know why I didn't listen to her.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“Maybe I wasn't...” Instead of continuing his sentence Kibum let out a heavy sigh, eyes not leaving the cup in front of him. “I don't know. Maybe I was too cold. Like, insensitive. Maybe she thought I didn't appreciate her.”
“You're saying, because you didn't call her once a day she would assume you didn't love her?”
The brunette let out a sad chuckle, as if hearing Jinki say it out loud made it even more obvious how irrational his thoughts were.
“You're hearing yourself how silly that sounds, aren't you?” Jinki said. “Don't torture yourself thinking about stuff you can't change now. Fact is you loved your grandma and still do. Fact is she always knew it and still knows it, wherever she is now.”
Kibum started stirring his tea, even though he wasn't planning to drink it - it was probably cold by now anyway. Jinki knew it was an old habit of his whenever Kibum would feel uncomfortably restless, when his overloaded mind wouldn't give him any rest.
“Yeah,” he sighed.
Jinki didn't miss the way Kibum's hand was shaking as it was spinning the spoon round and round in the cup. Neither did he miss the way Kibum's voice started to shake and eyes water, slowly getting a pinkish colour.
“Want a cinnamon bun?” he asked and the question was so spontaneous Kibum couldn't help but smile. He shook his head as he quickly ran his hand over his eyes as casual as he possibly could. Jinki knew that was his cue to pretend he hadn't notice anything.
The door opened, the small bell above it making Jinki jump up from his seat at the speed of light. He turned around and bowed his head, welcoming the costumer, but when he saw who it was he dropped the formalities.
“You scared the crap outta me!” he said instead.
Jinwoon was about to laugh but when he realized Kibum was there too his face went from a happy one to an almost terrified one.
“Hi, Jinwoon,” Kibum said unenthusiastically, not really making a big deal out of Jinwoon's awkwardness.
“Hi, Kibum,” Jinwoon mechanically responded, perhaps a little too quietly, before immediately turning to face Jinki, trying to ignore Kibum's existence.
A long time ago Jinwoon and Kibum had dated for a brief time after Jonghyun had disappeared to a business trip in Japan for two weeks and left Kibum wondering if he had ended their relationship. Or, they never actually dated; more like went out on a date once where Kibum had shamelessly and abruptly left the restaurant after deciding Jinwoon was no match to Jonghyun. It was understandable Jinwoon was internally making a big fuss over seeing Kibum again, but Kibum had no energy to care about that.
When looking at him talk to Jinki, Kibum considered maybe he had been too obsessed with Jonghyun when they went out and had been too harsh on Jinwoon. Jinwoon wasn't an unattractive guy and from what Kibum knew he had a stable and ordinary life. Sure, there wasn't anything dangerous or mysterious about him - but he was still kind of cute.
“Jinwoon,” Kibum said, interrupting whatever he and Jinki were talking about. “Do you wanna go out with me?”
Both Jinki and Jinwoon had an expression of utter surprise, as if Kibum had just confessed to something horrible.
“I-I'm sorry, I'm seeing someone... Kind off.” Jinwoon managed to squeeze out and the way his voice sounded made his face even more red. He knew Kibum knew that was a lie. He knew even Jinki could tell it was a lie.
Kibum got up from his seat and walked over to them. He found it particularly amusing how he could see even from a distance how Jinwoon immediately tensed every single muscle in his body. When standing in front of him, he dug his hand in the pocket of his green apron searching for the pen he had left there earlier today. “I'll give you my number in case you change your mind,” he said and grabbed Jinwoon's hand, neatly writing his cellphone number on his palm, pretending he didn't notice how sweaty the other boy's hands were. It wasn't until Kibum went back to his table that Jinwoon dared to exhale.
* * *
Jinwoon changing his mind about going out with Kibum didn't take long. That same day, minutes after Kibum had entered Jinki's apartment after work his cellphone rang. To Kibum's coincidental advantage Jinki wasn't home and didn't plan on coming home any time soon.
~ * ~ * ~
Today it had been exactly three months since Kibum unofficially moved in with Jinki. When Jinki was on his way home today he started thinking about how he had noticed a change in Kibum. He wasn't quite as he used to be but he was on his way there. He had started going out more, talk more and the grey cloud over his head was getting a little fainter. Smiling to himself, Jinki opened the door to his apartment only to go from being happy to regret he was ever born.
There, on the couch - his innocent white couch - was Kibum and a stranger and clothes on the floor and noises and just God.
“What are you doing?!” Jinki squealed.
The stranger - who, by the way, wasn't Jinwoon - immediately got up from the couch, grabbing his clothes to cover his naked crotch.
“I thought you said you lived alone!” he said and looked at Kibum.
“I do. I never said this was where I live.”
“Get out!” Jinki yelled.
The man nodded desperately and was about to put his boxers on when Jinki screamed again.
“No, get out!”
The confused expression on the man's face became impossibly more confused when he looked at Jinki. “But my clo-”
“Get the fuck out or I'll throw you out!” Jinki screamed, this time louder, and the poor man had no choice but to grab his clothes and just like that run out from Jinki's apartment at the speed of light. Jinki slammed the door as hard as he possibly could. He took a few short breaths to calm himself before turning to face Kibum; face bright red and knuckles white from tensing.
“You saved me,” he heard Kibum say in a disgustingly nonchalant voice. He picked up his jeans on the floor to at least cover himself a little. “He was really boring.”
“What do you think you're doing?! My poor couch!” Jinki looked at it with disgust. “I sit there! And watch television there! And I eat my freaking breakfast there!”
“Well, you're not sitting here or watching television or eating breakfast now,” Kibum stated, deadpan.
“This is the first and last time you do this!”
“Well it's not the first, but I get your point.”
“Jesus Christ, Kibum,” Jinki said, completely at loss of words. He sat down heavily next to him, only to process just where he was sitting and immediately shot up like a flash.
“What’s the big deal?” Kibum asked. “You told me to get over it, I am getting over it. I'm trying to. What are you complaining about now?”
“You're bringing strangers to my apartment and... and mounting them on my couch! It smells like ass now! And sweat and semen and - oh God - dick!”
Kibum sighed heavily, frustrated. “I think this shows it's time I go back to my place,” he said.
“No, you can stay here,” Jinki said, his voice being an absurd mixture of anger and surprise and disbelief. “To be honest, I'd rather you stay here.” He bent over to grab Kibum's shirt. He folded it and put it on the couch before sitting on it, as if Kibum's t-shirt was going to save his butt from whatever sinful things had been going on on his couch only minutes prior. “Whatever happened to Jinwoon?”
“That was like three weeks ago, hyung,” Kibum rolled his eyes.
Jinki didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He wasn't even sure about what was going on any more. “What, so you just... You're not seeing him?”
“I said I'm moving on, that doesn't mean I should start seeing people. I'm not seeing anyone. I'm done with 'seeing people'.”
Jinki sighed. “He's a really nice guy, Kibum. I know he would never do what J-”
“I know, he's a nice guy,” Kibum interrupted, and even though Jinki didn't get to finish it his sentence, Kibum knew what Jinki was about to say. “I just don't see the point in trying to date someone. I tried dating girls in the past, it didn't work out. Either I'm a horrible person to date or I just happen to get involved with wrong people. Whatever it is, I'm done with that.”
Jinki did consider stating the obvious, telling Kibum how he would eventually find someone. That he shouldn't give up and that he shouldn't let someone like Jonghyun traumatize him from getting emotionally involved with other people. He wanted to tell him Kibum's old self wouldn't have acted like this, wouldn't have made these decisions.
But he didn't.
He wasn't sure if he didn't say anything because he didn't know how to say it, or because he had a feeling it would go in through Kibum's right ear and out through his left.
“I mean it though,” Kibum said, breaking the silence. “I'm feeling alright now. I'd be more comfortable in my own apartment.”
* * *
Jinki reminded Kibum of his grandma when he had first decided to move out. After a lot of “but”s and “what if”s Jinki realized Kibum was probably better off on his own now that he had slowly become more mentally stable. He still acted out of character from time to time and some of the things he did were quite questionable, but overall Kibum was starting to feel better in Jinki's opinion. So the following day, unwillingly, he helped Kibum pack his bag.
However, when Kibum tried to give him back his house key Jinki refused to take it. “You never know,” he had said, “maybe you wanna come snuggle in the middle of the night again!”
Jinki wasn't that good with words and when it came to talking about his own feelings he was rather awkward about it. But Kibum - knowing his hyung perhaps a little too well - had an inbuilt translator to everything that would come out of Jinki's mouth.
“Thanks, hyung,” he smiled.
~ * ~
The same day Kibum moved back to his own apartment he developed a unexplainable habit of going out at night purely to find a temporarily fuck. It wasn't the first time he had a one night-stand, but it was the first time he made it his goal; going out not to dance and have fun, but to bring someone home with him. He wasn't sure why he did it or why it was so important to bring back a stranger from the club. It wasn't for the sex itself, but it was what he was supposed to do, wasn't it? Be young, party, get laid. Emotionless, casual sex. If you twist and turn it around a little, it was an obvious it was a win-win situation; he got the physical comfort he needed without any drama or attachment or rules.
~ * ~ * ~
“Whose is this?” Nicole asked and raised her hand holding a bracelet between her thumb and index finger. She knew it wasn't Kibum's. Not only was it ugly but it also looked old and worn out and everyone knew Kibum would never wear anything that looked old or worn. Kibum shrugged his shoulders before sitting down next to Nicole on his couch. Nicole left the bracelet on the coffee table in front of her, looking at it with disgust.
“Key, this... thing you're doing... I don't know if you're genuinely trying to find someone or if you just want to get laid, but bringing home random strangers is dangerous.” When Kibum didn't respond she continued: “I can't see how acting like this is helping you in any way. You're not doing anything other than acting like a sl-”
Now, Kibum reacted and Nicole immediately shut her mouth. He stared at her, eyes clearly saying he was ready to rip her head off if she finished what she was about to say. Deciding today was not a good day to die, Nicole forced a smile.
“...sleepyhead.”
Kibum just stared at her.
“Listen, what you're doing is dangerous and all I'm trying to say is be careful. If you later realize you don't have accomplished anything with this behaviour, I'd hate it if you went back to being as apathetic as you were only a few months ago.”
Kibum knew Nicole was right and if she were to ask him why he was behaving this way he wouldn't be able to give her a proper answer. In all honesty Kibum wouldn't even go as far as to say he enjoyed the sex or fake intimacy. He had tried telling himself it was a win-win situation, that it was good for him, because he got the comfort he needed with no strings attached. But deep down Kibum knew it didn't do anything for him other than make him feel bad and somewhat gross afterwards.
* * *
Even after Nicole left her words were still echoing in Kibum's head. He hadn't told her he already knew he hadn't accomplished anything with this behaviour. He also didn't tell her he didn't think he would care if he were to bring home someone dangerous, if they were to rob him blind or hurt him or even kill him.
Kibum had a lot of regrets. He regretted joining Jonghyun's selfish game. He even regretted meeting Jonghyun in the first place. He regretted worrying his friends and sleeping with people he didn't know. But most of all he regretted ever leaving Daegu and his grandmother.
These thoughts didn't allow him to sleep this night. All lights were off but Kibum was familiar enough with his surroundings to navigate himself through the living room even with no light. Still wrapped in his blanket, he crouched down in front of his white bookshelf. He grabbed the picture he had left in one of his favourite books and a lighter. At the coffee table he leaned the picture against a vase and lit the candle next to it.
Grandma had told Kibum more than once she would love him no matter what he did. Would she still love him now after everything he had done to himself? Would she scold him and tell him everything Kibum already knew - that he was gross and pathetic? Or would she hug him and tell him nothing mattered, that she understood what Kibum was going through, all he needed was time.
He looked at the picture in front of him, how the old woman dressed in a blue long dress and a pink apron smiled at him, love visible in her smiling eyes even on that old picture.
Would she reminded Kibum of who he used to be and of everything Jonghyun took away from him?
“It's okay, my boy. It's okay to make mistakes”. Would she have said that? “Pick yourself up slowly, Kibum. Stand up in your own pace. We'll wait for you.”
Maybe she would.
The candle looked so small in the dark room. Despite the darkness and despite the cold, the candle was still burning. It shrank and moved hysterically when a cold breeze would get too close, when Kibum would get too close, but it never died. It was still burning and all Kibum could think was how this tiny flame suddenly looked so powerful even in this dark and cold room.
part one | next
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A/N: It makes me really happy that people still remember this fic! To all of you who waited patiently for an update and didn't stop supporting me and this fic: thank you so much~! I appriciate it a lot. ♥
On a side note, I've noticed the colour and size of the text in my fanfics varies from screen to screen. I'd appreciate it if you would tell me if you think the text is too light/small!