musesandlyrics | 3.5. Mena Suvari quote
3.5. "Sometimes I don't feel like like the person that I'm supposed to be. I don't feel like I deserve any of this."
Mena Suvari
[Four months after THIS but simultaneous to THIS]
A lot of people thought Tim was thick, and maybe he was according to everyone elses standards. He didn't give a flying fuck about everyone elses standards, though. Why should he? It wasn't like anyone gave a fuck about his. He hadn't had the upbringing that most other people did. Both parents skipped out on him when he was a kid, and Billy hardly ever had any money for anything but bills, staple food, and booze. Tim was never going to be the next Einstein, but Billy did his best. Mostly. But he was still a kid himself when they got left alone and didn't bother his ass about what Tim was getting into, so long as he kept attending classes and didn't have Child Protection rocking up on their doorstep to query Tim's school attendance record. That left Tim mostly to his own devices, and the devices he liked were booze, football, and sex. He could cope with that.
It was when things took unexpected and painful turns that Tim couldn't cope. First it was Jason's accident. Up until that point, life had been sweet. Tim could go on his merry way and really not need to do much more than get drunk, have sex, and play football. The rally girls did his homework, and so long as it looked like his grades were sticking to keep his place on the team, life was good. There was the occasional drunken brawl, or pool orgy at Panthers parties to spice life up, but it was the life Tim knew and he never wanted anything different. Whatever happened out of that realm, he would deal with when it was thrown at him. Really, what could go wrong anyway? Life was peachy.
At least it was until Jason was lying unmoving on that football field the first game of 2006. The first game of Jason's senior year that would lead him to pro. That wasn't supposed to happen. Six was the strong one, the leader. Tim wasn't sure what to do without him. Three years later, Tim still wasn't sure what to do without him. Not that he was really without him anymore. Six had come back, but nothing was ever the same between them again. There would never be that trust like there used to be. Tim had shat all over that the minute he let Lyla kiss him on the roadside that night. He still didn't know why he did that. He didn't know much of anything after Jason got hurt. It was like his brain failed to function anymore and he kept making bad move after bad move. Two steps forward, five steps back until Tim was left feeling like he was caught up in some fucked up never-ending dizzying dance he couldn't break away from. He dealt with any hard knock the same way. Booze, football, and sex. Whenever one of those was taking out of the equation, Tim's foundations tipped under him again and set him on more destructive paths. With Six taken down and never to return to Tim's familiar football dynamic, it was like he could never quite get his balance again after that. It shouldn't have been Six crippled in a wheelchair, it should have been Tim.
After everything with Lyla, who really, at the end of the day, did nothing more than make Tim constantly feel sub-par to anything above toe fungus most of the time, Tim's world was just always off-kilter. Coach left, the football dynamic crumbled even more with that. Booze was the only constant for a long time after Jason ended up in a wheelchair. Sex was with whoever was offering. Lyla was a prick-teaser. Ironic, considering her supposed finding God again to try and wash away the guilt she felt for fucking around on Six when he was hurt. Tim wasn't a hypocrite. God wasn't going to save him from pissing all over his best friend's respect from great heights and Lyla was an idiot for believing it would save her. Sins were a piece of bullshit. You either did right or you did wrong, and if you did wrong, it stuck with you forever, even if the people you hurt forgave you. Getting dunked in a river for two seconds didn't make you forget what you did. All it did was probably get water up your fucking nose.
Sam was the first person in years that made Tim want to stop and look at his life, to maybe start to make a bit of an effort. She was there for him when he suffered through alcohol poisoning, and was forced to withdraw from the booze or die an ugly death choking on his own bloody vomit. She did what Lyla was probably believing she was doing, but really only using Tim as a tool to right her own sins. In the wake of it, the whole thing made Tim just want to belt something, or someone. He had no problems being used, but for some reason Lyla's holier than thou tactics left a sour taste in his mouth now. At the time, he had been blinded, probably trying to cling to her in hopes some of the good rubbed off on him. He did want to fix things after everything that happened, and naively thought Lyla might be the one to help him with that. She just helped him dig himself into a deeper hole and separate himself further from Jason. She made him isolate himself from everyone but her. He could see now how unhealthy that had been and that he was well short of her. But again, he was sort of stupid most of the time. Realisations like this took time to come to. Unless someone shook the boat around him, he often didn't realise anything was wrong to start with, and he was usually naive to what people were really thinking about him. Or maybe he just didn't care to start with?
Sam cared. She cared enough for both of them when Tim was too thick to care himself. She filled the spot inside him that Lyla had temporarily occupied, but without the pressure and without the judgement. If Tim wanted to be a dickhead, she let him, but she also let him bear the consequences alone at first and then helped him put the pieces together afterwards. He wasn't completely incapable of commitment. He wanted a relationship and wanted to have someone to care about, but he just didn't always know how best to pull that off. Everything Lyla seemed to want, was nothing like what Sam needed. With Tyra, it had mostly just been really hot sex. They were too alike to work. Too stubborn. Tyra was still a friend, though, after all the shit. She would probably always be part of his life by default, especially now they were in-laws. Which was as weird as all fuck in itself.
But Tim was discovering that every time he got close enough to someone that he cared about, he inevitably did something to fuck it up before even realising what he was about to do. This happened all over again with Sam. Just when he thought he guilt over Six was manageable, Sam gets hurts and this time it really is Tim's fault. This time, he can't face it. So, he just didn't. He couldn't bear seeing her in hospital any longer. She didn't need him in her life if all he was going to do was fuck up and hurt her. Sam was one person he didn't want to hurt and made a really huge effort not to. He tried to be a good boyfriend, and do nice things for her. But then she was lying banged up in a hospital bed like Six had three years ago and it was too much for Tim to swallow. He didn't know how to deal with it... he couldn't deal with it.
So, he just didn't.
On top of all that, he didn't even know how he was supposed to convince her he wasn't having an affair with Lyla. He wasn't kissing her like Sam believed. But Tim never had Jason's way with words or tools to prove himself very well. It was just easier to let her think what she believed. He had done it before, so no one was ever going to believe he had changed. No one ever did, which was why he just kept going back to what everyone expected on him.
Booze, sex, and football.
Football. Panthers. Panthers Stadium...
Tim hadn't even noticed he wasn't alone in the deserted stadium, lost in his own thoughts. It was only when he heard something hit the ground a few feet away with a dull thud that he looked up in the direction of the sound. He didn't see anything in the vicinity, but the movement across the field caught his attention, finding Six wheeling himself towards the stadium exit. Tim stood up, about to call out to his friend, but Jason was gone before he had a chance. The fucker was quick on those wheels when he wanted to be. He left the bleachers, bounding down off the last few steps to the area he had heard the noise.
He didn't have to look hard to find it. It was one generous rock Six had offered Mac for her hand in marriage. Tim stooped, scooping it up in his hand and looking at it for a few moments, before frowning in confusion at the spot Jason had just disappeared from. He knew Mac leaving had devastated Jason beyond belief. More than losing the use of his legs, even. Losing the kid had just been salt in the gaping wounds. He didn't even realise Jason had the ring, but in his own funk over Sam, it was hard to pick up on the smaller details of the tragedy. All Tim had been able to feel initially was relief that Mac had saved Sam's life. Some guilt niggling in his gut now as he realised he had hardly paid mind to the fact Mac and Six had lost a kid. And technically it was the second kid Jason had lost, too. Fuck, maybe Tim should have talked to him about it?
Tim drew his lips together, and wet them, still frowning as he tried to process what Six turfing Mac's ring might mean. Either way, he couldn't really want to get rid of it, could he? With a small shake of his head to himself, Tim pushed the engagement ring right down into his jeans pocket
"Jus' in case, Six..." he drawled to himself, glancing up at the Panthers scoreboard. An era well and truly over.
Maybe it was never booze, sex and football.
Maybe it had always just been booze, sex and friendship?
itwontstopme, supermarketsam and comeswithcuffs referenced with permission
Word Count | 1,811
Mena Suvari
[Four months after THIS but simultaneous to THIS]
A lot of people thought Tim was thick, and maybe he was according to everyone elses standards. He didn't give a flying fuck about everyone elses standards, though. Why should he? It wasn't like anyone gave a fuck about his. He hadn't had the upbringing that most other people did. Both parents skipped out on him when he was a kid, and Billy hardly ever had any money for anything but bills, staple food, and booze. Tim was never going to be the next Einstein, but Billy did his best. Mostly. But he was still a kid himself when they got left alone and didn't bother his ass about what Tim was getting into, so long as he kept attending classes and didn't have Child Protection rocking up on their doorstep to query Tim's school attendance record. That left Tim mostly to his own devices, and the devices he liked were booze, football, and sex. He could cope with that.
It was when things took unexpected and painful turns that Tim couldn't cope. First it was Jason's accident. Up until that point, life had been sweet. Tim could go on his merry way and really not need to do much more than get drunk, have sex, and play football. The rally girls did his homework, and so long as it looked like his grades were sticking to keep his place on the team, life was good. There was the occasional drunken brawl, or pool orgy at Panthers parties to spice life up, but it was the life Tim knew and he never wanted anything different. Whatever happened out of that realm, he would deal with when it was thrown at him. Really, what could go wrong anyway? Life was peachy.
At least it was until Jason was lying unmoving on that football field the first game of 2006. The first game of Jason's senior year that would lead him to pro. That wasn't supposed to happen. Six was the strong one, the leader. Tim wasn't sure what to do without him. Three years later, Tim still wasn't sure what to do without him. Not that he was really without him anymore. Six had come back, but nothing was ever the same between them again. There would never be that trust like there used to be. Tim had shat all over that the minute he let Lyla kiss him on the roadside that night. He still didn't know why he did that. He didn't know much of anything after Jason got hurt. It was like his brain failed to function anymore and he kept making bad move after bad move. Two steps forward, five steps back until Tim was left feeling like he was caught up in some fucked up never-ending dizzying dance he couldn't break away from. He dealt with any hard knock the same way. Booze, football, and sex. Whenever one of those was taking out of the equation, Tim's foundations tipped under him again and set him on more destructive paths. With Six taken down and never to return to Tim's familiar football dynamic, it was like he could never quite get his balance again after that. It shouldn't have been Six crippled in a wheelchair, it should have been Tim.
After everything with Lyla, who really, at the end of the day, did nothing more than make Tim constantly feel sub-par to anything above toe fungus most of the time, Tim's world was just always off-kilter. Coach left, the football dynamic crumbled even more with that. Booze was the only constant for a long time after Jason ended up in a wheelchair. Sex was with whoever was offering. Lyla was a prick-teaser. Ironic, considering her supposed finding God again to try and wash away the guilt she felt for fucking around on Six when he was hurt. Tim wasn't a hypocrite. God wasn't going to save him from pissing all over his best friend's respect from great heights and Lyla was an idiot for believing it would save her. Sins were a piece of bullshit. You either did right or you did wrong, and if you did wrong, it stuck with you forever, even if the people you hurt forgave you. Getting dunked in a river for two seconds didn't make you forget what you did. All it did was probably get water up your fucking nose.
Sam was the first person in years that made Tim want to stop and look at his life, to maybe start to make a bit of an effort. She was there for him when he suffered through alcohol poisoning, and was forced to withdraw from the booze or die an ugly death choking on his own bloody vomit. She did what Lyla was probably believing she was doing, but really only using Tim as a tool to right her own sins. In the wake of it, the whole thing made Tim just want to belt something, or someone. He had no problems being used, but for some reason Lyla's holier than thou tactics left a sour taste in his mouth now. At the time, he had been blinded, probably trying to cling to her in hopes some of the good rubbed off on him. He did want to fix things after everything that happened, and naively thought Lyla might be the one to help him with that. She just helped him dig himself into a deeper hole and separate himself further from Jason. She made him isolate himself from everyone but her. He could see now how unhealthy that had been and that he was well short of her. But again, he was sort of stupid most of the time. Realisations like this took time to come to. Unless someone shook the boat around him, he often didn't realise anything was wrong to start with, and he was usually naive to what people were really thinking about him. Or maybe he just didn't care to start with?
Sam cared. She cared enough for both of them when Tim was too thick to care himself. She filled the spot inside him that Lyla had temporarily occupied, but without the pressure and without the judgement. If Tim wanted to be a dickhead, she let him, but she also let him bear the consequences alone at first and then helped him put the pieces together afterwards. He wasn't completely incapable of commitment. He wanted a relationship and wanted to have someone to care about, but he just didn't always know how best to pull that off. Everything Lyla seemed to want, was nothing like what Sam needed. With Tyra, it had mostly just been really hot sex. They were too alike to work. Too stubborn. Tyra was still a friend, though, after all the shit. She would probably always be part of his life by default, especially now they were in-laws. Which was as weird as all fuck in itself.
But Tim was discovering that every time he got close enough to someone that he cared about, he inevitably did something to fuck it up before even realising what he was about to do. This happened all over again with Sam. Just when he thought he guilt over Six was manageable, Sam gets hurts and this time it really is Tim's fault. This time, he can't face it. So, he just didn't. He couldn't bear seeing her in hospital any longer. She didn't need him in her life if all he was going to do was fuck up and hurt her. Sam was one person he didn't want to hurt and made a really huge effort not to. He tried to be a good boyfriend, and do nice things for her. But then she was lying banged up in a hospital bed like Six had three years ago and it was too much for Tim to swallow. He didn't know how to deal with it... he couldn't deal with it.
So, he just didn't.
On top of all that, he didn't even know how he was supposed to convince her he wasn't having an affair with Lyla. He wasn't kissing her like Sam believed. But Tim never had Jason's way with words or tools to prove himself very well. It was just easier to let her think what she believed. He had done it before, so no one was ever going to believe he had changed. No one ever did, which was why he just kept going back to what everyone expected on him.
Booze, sex, and football.
Football. Panthers. Panthers Stadium...
Tim hadn't even noticed he wasn't alone in the deserted stadium, lost in his own thoughts. It was only when he heard something hit the ground a few feet away with a dull thud that he looked up in the direction of the sound. He didn't see anything in the vicinity, but the movement across the field caught his attention, finding Six wheeling himself towards the stadium exit. Tim stood up, about to call out to his friend, but Jason was gone before he had a chance. The fucker was quick on those wheels when he wanted to be. He left the bleachers, bounding down off the last few steps to the area he had heard the noise.
He didn't have to look hard to find it. It was one generous rock Six had offered Mac for her hand in marriage. Tim stooped, scooping it up in his hand and looking at it for a few moments, before frowning in confusion at the spot Jason had just disappeared from. He knew Mac leaving had devastated Jason beyond belief. More than losing the use of his legs, even. Losing the kid had just been salt in the gaping wounds. He didn't even realise Jason had the ring, but in his own funk over Sam, it was hard to pick up on the smaller details of the tragedy. All Tim had been able to feel initially was relief that Mac had saved Sam's life. Some guilt niggling in his gut now as he realised he had hardly paid mind to the fact Mac and Six had lost a kid. And technically it was the second kid Jason had lost, too. Fuck, maybe Tim should have talked to him about it?
Tim drew his lips together, and wet them, still frowning as he tried to process what Six turfing Mac's ring might mean. Either way, he couldn't really want to get rid of it, could he? With a small shake of his head to himself, Tim pushed the engagement ring right down into his jeans pocket
"Jus' in case, Six..." he drawled to himself, glancing up at the Panthers scoreboard. An era well and truly over.
Maybe it was never booze, sex and football.
Maybe it had always just been booze, sex and friendship?
itwontstopme, supermarketsam and comeswithcuffs referenced with permission
Word Count | 1,811