Hero decides to Die (Part 2)
Title: Hero decides to Die (Two Parts)
Type: One-shot
Genre: Angst
Summary: Because shit happens and sometimes you can't do anything about it.
Pairings: OT5, Yunjae, Yoosu, a little Jaemin, Hyunjae
Note: This one-shot is dedicated to my lost camera. Yes, that explains the angst. And sodapopcorn, for without her, there would be one less person i can turn to in times of shit.
Date: 10 July 2009 to 12 July 2009
***
Beep.
5.00am.
Changmin glances at his alarm clock. For the very first time in his life, he was going to make breakfast for the members.
“Changmin-ah, tomorrow morning we’ll make breakfast together alright? You always wanted to learn how to make those pancakes didn’t you?”
“Aye?”
“I don’t want my members to starve in futu…Oh. You know.” Jae smiles a half smile.
Changmin nods, looking away, and blinking back his tears. The same lump is back in his throat, the same sensation before a tearfest.
He walks out of the room and he sees Jaejoong in the kitchen, one hand fumbling around with his apron, the other looking for the batter bowl.
Changmin walks over and ties the best ribbon he ever done his whole life.
“Thank you.” Jae’s voice was tight. He shifts over to make room for Changmin.
“Good morning, hyung!” Changmin immediately thinks the attempt was pathetic. His voice was too light and a pitch too high. And he knew Jae knows it too.
“Morning-ah Min.” Jae punches the maknae’s arms. “You’re up early. Now watch carefully alright? Pass me the eggs over there please.”
Changmin watches, trying his best to concentrate, but more often than not, he catches himself staring at his mother of a hyung rather than the limp yellow batter.
“---Always beat it in one direction. Changmin-ah, heat up the pan now. Changmin. Changmin-ah. Min-ah. Changmin-ah!”
“Ah. Yes?”
“Do not slack off in cooking lessons! What kind of student are you?” Jae mocks.
“I - I don’t want my teacher to ever leave.”
“Changmin-ah.” Jae puts down the wooden ladle.
“You can’t leave. Hyung, you just can’t.” Changmin says determinedly, hot tears flowing down before he even knows it.
Jaejoong grabs Changmin into a death grip, shushing him despite tears falling down his face himself.
“It’s okay, Min-ah. It’s okay.”
“Why. Why does this have to…You're our Hero...” The words turn into sobs, and more sobs.
After some time, (it could have been a few seconds, it could have been an eternity, neither of them knew) Jaejoong pulled apart, patting the maknae’s head.
“Now now. We don’t want your stomach growling through interviews later, no?”
Nobody asks why the pancakes tasted so salty afterward during breakfast.
***
The bar was quiet. It was exactly why they chose this place. No fangirls. No questions. Their secret hideout---a tiny bar off the street, Japanese-like sliding doors, soft yellow light, quiet jazz sounds in the background, a few rounds of beers and a mishmash of good ol’ times.
“I was wondering when you were gonna tell me. Bastard.”
“Fuck you. How did you kno---”
Hyunjoong laughs his demented little laugh and orders a few beers.
“Damn it. My diary.”
‘That’s my bro. Didn’t think you were so dumb.”
Jaejoong gives him the finger.
“Screw you. You looked through mine too.”
“Yeah I’m the only one in the world who knows you have a vagina.” Jaejoong sips his beer. “When?”, he pauses before asking quietly.
“One or two months back?” Hyunjoong lies smoothly, cocking a perfectly trimmed eyebrow. It was one month, twenty four days and approximately 6 hours ago.
Jaejoong nods. “So what…did you do?”
Hyunjoong remembers hiding inside the firehose cabinet in the company building. He remembers tucking his knees in and burying his face in his palm. He remembers shaking and coughing and choking and crying and he remembers counting the seconds tick by.
Ever since then he started counting the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds.
“I called Yunho to check if you had insurance.” Hyunjoong grins goofily.
Jaejoong laughs a big roaring laugh and stupidly toasts to that.
“To us!” Jaejoong says stupidly.
Hyunjoong downs his beer faster than ever before. A personal best.
“You know the atmosphere at home, it’s getting to the point of unbearable. It’s so good to just come out. I even had problems convincing the others that I would be fine. That I wouldn’t just drop dead on the streets.”
“You can’t blame them, dude.”
“You have no idea.” Jaejoong pauses, searching for the right word. “They try to be happy and upbeat but it’s so completely fake and I see right through it. They are trying so hard. And the worst is---”
“Yunho.”
“Yes. I really don’t know what to do.”
“He thinks he’s watching you die.”
“I’m not, Hyunjoong-ah. I’m not dying, not yet.”
“Jae.”
“I know. I have cancer. But it’s been under me for so many years now. I can still do this. Yunho doesn’t have to start dropping our activities so soon.”
“Fuck it, Jae. You don’t bloody have time now and you bother about activities? Don’t kid me. You’ve never given a shit about work, alright? You just don’t want things to be so different because of your condition. But fuck, guess what?”
Jaejoong stares at the foam in his beer, oddly calm, as if expectant. Raw nerve struck in him again and again.
“I agree with Yunho on this one. A very first time.” Hyunjoong takes Jaejoong’s drink and downs it too. “You. No more beer. The next time, we’ll bring homemade bento boxes here and just order kimchi.”
“What the f---”
“Shut up, Jae.”
“Hyun---”
“You better die after I do, you heard? You have to be the godfather of my kids. And I’m betting that I’ll at least live till 55. So suck on it!”
Jae stares at his deranged friend, bursting into laughter uncontrollably.
“What?!”
“You are so incredibly fucked up.”
Hyunjoong laughs, nearly choking on his beer. “That’s why we’re friends, idiot.”
***
u_know777: where’s kangin
heechul_kim: sup ma bro?
heechul_kim: he’s out in the living rm, crying watching A Moment to Remember.
u_know777: huh.
heechul_kim: dude you’re not right. wassup?
u_know777: it’s jae.
heechul_kim: quarrelling?
heechul_kim: do you wanna talk abt it over drinks? my treat \n.n/
u_know777: it’s cancer.
heechul_kim: wtf?
heechul_kim: is this a fucking joke?
u_know777: DO YOU THINK I’D FUCKING JOKE?
heechul_kim: no. omg.
heechul_kim: m sorry. U wanna come out? I’ll call you right now.
u_know777: no fuck it. I’m tearing again. jae’s comin over. ttyl.
u_know777 has left the conversation.
heechul_kim: …what?
“Hey.” Jae sets down two coffees on the balcony table.
“Hey.”
“Who was that?”
“Urm, what?”
“Don’t bother lying, -nho-yah”
“Heechul.” Yunho sighs admittedly.
“What did he say?”
Yunho racks his brain, he wasn’t really concentrating on the conversation. He wasn’t a fan of IMs, he always thought they were a really weird way of conversing. He just didn’t know how to tell Heechul or Kangin without crying halfway and sounding ridiculous over the phone.
“Think it was something like, oh my fucking god? Is this a joke?”
Jae smiles, “The moon’s beautiful tonight, -nho-yah.”
Yunho looks at Jaejoong. And then he looks away.
Everytime he looks a bit harder, he would see a little of the cancer surfacing --- the eyebags, the paler skin, the shrunken cheeks.
“There will be no DBSK without you.”
“There will.”
“No there won’t.”
“All of you are good singers and dancers.”
“You do realize you are the lead singer.”
“Sure I am, but Junsu helps a lot. Changmin covers most of the high parts now. Yoochun will compose for me. You will dance for me.”
“That’s not the point, Jae.”
“Yunho-yah. Promise me, DBSK won’t fall apart because of me. Promise me.”
“I can’t --- ”
“It’s my dying wish.”
“I’ll try my best.”
“No. Fuck. I want your word. DBSK will work even harder. DBSK will be bigger. DBSK will be better. Say it.” The pale ghostly figure moves closer to him and holds his arms. “Look into my eyes. Promise me.”
“I - I promise.” Yunho closes his eyes.
Jaejoong smiles and kisses Yunho on his forehead. “That’s more like it, leader-sshi.”
Jae stands up carefully and Yunho makes sure to hold him.
“You think I’d go to Heaven when I die?”
Yunho closes his eyes again, willing his tears back. “Yes. Jae-ah. I think you’d go to a beautiful beautiful place.”
“I’m scared, -nho-yah.” Jaejoong fumbles for his words, whispering them to himself.
But Yunho never fails to hear him. “I’m scared too, Jae-ah.”
Jaejoong turns to Yunho and hugged him tight. He breathes Yunho in, the same awesome mix of Burberry cologne, Frederic Fekkai apple cider shampoo and plain old Yunho and he kisses Yunho’s tears away for the night.
***
“Yoochun.”
Yoochun gets up and walks out, or attempts to walk out of the room, before Jaejoong proceeds to block the doorway.
“How long are you going to avoid me?”
Yoochun shoves his hands into his jeans, biting his lips. “I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
Yoochun gives Jaejoong a brief look and returns to shuffling from foot to foot.
“PARK YOOCHUN.”
Yoochun raises his head slowly, tears already welling up in his eyes. He shook his head. No. Don’t push it.
“Chun-ah. Soulmates, remember?”
Yoochun flops on the beanbag on the floor. “It hurts, it h-hurts so…much, Jae. I can’t - I can’t…look at you…an - and n-not cry.”
Jaejoong holds Yoochun tighter and for the first time with Yoochun, he allows himself to be weak, he allows the tears to flow. The hyung can’t bear to be the strong one at such times, not anymore.
“You’ll write for me. You’ll write…about me. I’ll b-be in the songs. I’ll still be here. I won’t leave.” Jaejoong whispers, rocking slowly.
***
Jaejoong faints again. And this time, all the members are there with him.
“At the current rate of metastasis…”
“Korean. Dr. Kang.”
“Oh right. Basically. He’ll have to watch it. Its…not looking good.” Dr. Kang frowns gravely.
“What the fuck do you mean by it’s not looking good?!” Junsu yells, gripping the side of the table so hard Changmin thinks he might break it.
“He means, what can we do now?” Changmin holds Junsu’s arms, a warning look in his eyes. Yunho was stoning and Yoochun was crying. Sometimes, the maknae has to be strong, too.
“Keep his mood up, he can only eat…”
“What about chemo?”
“Jae doesn’t want chemo.” Yunho speaks up.
“But that’s the only way he’ll live.” Junsu whispers, voice hoarse.
“Yeah. I know.”
I know.
***
Jaejoong watches as Junsu stares at the TV screen, not really watching, just looking, staring. His own face flashes most of the time on the screen, since afterall, it was his movie.
Jaejoong waddles over, his movements have gotten clumsier, more restricted and more easily tired out.
“Su-yah. What are you doing?”
Junsu turns to stare at Jaejoong with a red tear-stained face, tissue box in hand. “Changmin told me to watch the flick that you died in. He said it might be easier. You know, to prepare.”
Jaejoong strokes Junsu’s hair. “Is it working?”
“No, it isn’t. Hyung. It’s n-not working.” Junsu sniffs. “I’ve replayed the scenes so many times.”
Jaejoong walks over, avoiding the crushed beer cans and old magazines, he grabs the remote and switches off the television.
“Junsu-yah…You silly…” he plops himself down beside Junsu and holds him tight. They sing “Insa” but Junsu falls asleep soon after and Jaejoong’s voice ends up being the only one resonating off the walls in the apartment.
parami meo meun
geoshigan jocha
naege neomu mo jaran geoul
hanbeoni miso majimak insa
saranghamnida geudael
shigani jichyeodo
sarange apado
geushigan jocha chueogi go
majimak insa haneyo
saranghamnida saranghamnida
http://www.free-lyrics.org
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
nae saenge dan han bon ni saranga
anyeong
The song ends rather quickly, but Jaejoong repeats it --- saranghamnida saranghamnida fly away fly away love…
Even that time when the wind stays
It’s not enough for me.
I smile one more time and give my final greeting:
I love you.
I am tired now and love hurts but
Even if that time is just a memory
I have to give my final greeting.
I love you, I love you.
Fly away fly away love
Fly away fly away love
Fly away fly away love
In the afterlife I will greet my love again
***
News of Jaejoong’s illness got out soon after the rumours start. It wasn’t easy to hide, with all that trips to the hospital, stalkers, and dropping of activities.
Cassiopeia went crazy with fanmails, fanmade gifts, suicide threats, sit-ins, they started on a string on projects that seemed to Yunho as if Jaejoong was already dead. It seemed to make the fact more real than it already was. And that pissed the hell out of him.
Junsu slammed the door at Eunhyuk the other day when he came to visit.
“He’s NOT dying okay. No need for the fruits and flowers!”
Jaejoong walks out of the kitchen to see a bunch of SuJu at the door, awkward and tense. Jaejoong attempts to push Junsu aside, but Jaejoong’s nothing more than a bag of bones now and he fails, obviously. Jaejoong pokes at Junsu’s arms, “Su. Please.”
And Junsu storms out of the apartment.
But, really, they got to used to it after a while. Everyone seems to visit. BoA, SHINee, Lee Soo Man himself, Kang Ho Dong, Hyun Joong comes a lot too, it got really odd when the members’ families come to visit.
Changmin’s mother and his two sisters.
Jihye.
Junho.
Yoohwan.
Jaejoong’s parents and sisters came a lot, making each visit a cryfest. When they come, Yoochun makes sure he’s out or he locks himself up in the room. Changmin pretends to be doing schoolwork so that he doesn’t seem rude by not attending to the guests but at the same time he doesn’t want to intrude on the sisterly and motherly love. Yunho sticks by Jaejoong wherever he goes. And Junsu sits on the couch and stares at the television screen.
***
One glorious August Sunday morning finds a bright sparkly Jaejoong in his Tokyo Dome concert outfit for Mirotic --- his cheeks are dusted to a rosy glow, shimmering in the warm sunlight; his hair carefully styled so that they cover his forehead, barely sweeping his eyes; his lips are lightly glossed; even his fingernails are cut neatly and manicured.
Changmin nearly chokes on his milk.
“Hyung. What are you doing?” Junsu stares as Jaejoong probes around the apartment.
“The balcony has the best lighting yeah?”
“Jae-ah. What are you doing?” Yunho sighs.
“It might cause overexposure. But I think the DSLR can work it though.”
“What the ---”
“I’m doing a video for the fans.”
Yoochun stumbles out of the room, smelling of coffee and cigarette smoke. Yunho suddenly feels too tired to scold him too.
“But you’ve never really…I don’t know, you didn’t really care about ---”
“Fans. Yeah I know. But yesterday I was going through all the fanmails. And I think that if I’m really leaving, this is the least I could do.”
Jaejoong holds the camera and is now looking for the best angle in the balcony. “Changmin-ah, can you come here and video me? Don’t interrupt, no matter what.”
“My breakfast…” Changmin pouts jokingly and crosses over to the balcony. He adjusts the camera lighting and zooms in a little onto Jaejoong’s face. “Ready? On the count of three. One, two, three.”
Jaejoong musters all the energy he has, which isn’t a lot, but enough, and smiles a little too brilliantly to the camera. Changmin shudders at how hard he has to try.
“Hello everyone! This is DBSK’s Youngwoong Jaejoong…” Changmin doesn’t really listen, it’s basically the same thing, over and over again. Jaejoong lies rather smoothly about how he’s fine, and that things will return to normal soon, and that fans should drink more water and take care of themselves instead of worrying for him. He then proceeds to talk about an upcoming concert, which they obviously do not have plans for at the moment.
Changmin wants to stop the video-ing, but he doesn’t because he knows how hard it would be for Jaejoong to do a re-take, which he would vehemently insist on. The others know it too, they don’t interrupt.
It ends and Youngwoong Jaejoong returns to Kim Jaejoong --- 45kg worthed of a shining beacon of hope to a slumped patient, clutching his knees for support.
“You were brilliant. That was brilliant.” Changmin manages.
“We are not doing a concert now. Don’t be ridiculous.” Yoochun chokes.
“I want this. Yunho agreed too.”
“Yunho-hyung, what are you ---”
“It’s my dying wish.” Jaejoong whispers. “Just one last concert.”
“What can you possibly say to refute that?” Yunho laughs crankily. Changmin worries that his hyung has hit his breaking point.
***
There was a lot of planning to do. The line-ups of the songs, the costumes, the choreography, the lighting, the stage, neither of them think they’ve ever put so much effort into a concert before, not even Tokyo Dome.
Management tries to make the concert into something like a memorial --- all that sepia, black-and-white, slow sad songs and soft mellow light. Yunho tells them to fuck off and they plan everything themselves from scratch.
They try not to step on each other’s feet, but everyone’s so goddamn high-strung, expectedly they fail and end up quarrelling like mad, several times at that.
But thankfully, quarrels are easily resolved by Jaejoong who threatens everyone by, “If you guys are not going to stop this, I’m going to die right now.”
And they shut up, basically leaving Jaejoong to choose whatever they were arguing about initially.
Choreography is hard, because Jaejoong can’t move about so much so Yunho re-choreographs everything with the Tohodancers.
They crash-coursed everything, within a week they were done. Everyone seemed to relax because at least now they had something to focus on, other than Jaejoong, whose flesh was eating itself away day by day. A little by little, he dies a bit more.
But what they didn’t expect, they cannot plan.
Jaejoong faints two days before the concert.
***
Jaejoong lies on the crisp white bed, eyes closed, heavy breathing. He’s fucked up on morphine, and his eyelids twitch every now and then. Yoochun says it’s him seeing the angels, Junsu tells him to “Shut up, Yoochun, go get us coffee.”, Yunho stills and says he’s dreaming, Changmin whispers “Hyungs, it’s just the pain.”
Dr. Kang comes into the room and sits besides Jaejoong, at first he reprimands Jaejoong about not cutting on the beer. Then he tells Jaejoong a story about an orphan. He says that orphans are not unwanted kids, he says that they are kids bestowed from the gods above to people on Earth. They find a home here in the living realm and they give and love and they are loved too, even though they don’t know it.
“You are one of those shining stars from the heavens. Youngwoong Jaejoong was everyone’s superstar. But Kim Jaejoong was our Sun.”
“Thank you.” Yunho says when Dr. Kang leaves. Yunho has never understood him, but this time he looked into the doctor’s eyes, and there was finally a flicker of mutual understanding and agreement.
Jaejoong wakes up at about 3.20 am.
“Guys wake up! Jae’s awake.” Yunho kicks Junsu in the butt.
“-nho-yah.” Heavy breathing. Slowly. Slowly. Slowly.
“Take your time, Jae-ah”
Jaejoong looks at the other four. “There are letters to you all…” Jaejoong is trying so goddamn hard. “In the drawer.” And then he smiles.
The most brilliant smile Yunho has ever seen in his entire life.
“I love you. Jae-ah. I love you so much.”
“Yunho-yah. I love you too. I love DBSK. I love all of you. -nho-yah…I love you so fucking hard, you know u-know?” Jaejoong laughs a cracked laugh, but no sound comes out really, and he smiles and he closes his eyes for the very last time.
The other four break down, finally. The collapse into a pile of sobbing bodies, wrangled limps holding each other tighter than ever before. They stay like that for an eternity, watching as light turns to dark, and as dark turns to light.
They ain't going to let go.
***
The next day, they have so much to do. They have the funeral to attend to, they have the final concert preparations to attend to, they all know, deep down in their hearts, Jaejoong would want the concert to be continue.
Thankfully, Hyunjoong and Jaejoong’s family takes over the handling of the funeral. Yoochun doesn’t know how to take it if it meant seeing Jaejoong’s body one moment and concentrating on sexy dance moves the next.
The news is like a bomb. Warped and twisted stories flood every form of media possible and the paparazzi has never been more hardworking, neither were the stalkers. Cassiopeia lines up outside the hospital, hand in hand, those crying and those struggling not to cry. They sing Insa. They sing Proud. They sing Begin. They sing Picture of You. They sing and sing and the world hears them, Jaejoong hears them.
***
Yoochun’s letter was a limp blue sheet of paper and a disc.
Music has always been our language, Yoochun-ah.
parami meo meun
geoshigan jocha
naege neomu mo jaran geoul
hanbeoni miso majimak insa
saranghamnida geudael
shigani jichyeodo
sarange apado
geushigan jocha chueogi go
majimak insa haneyo
saranghamnida saranghamnida
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
nae saenge dan han bon ni saranga
anyeong
Soulmates! Fighting!
Love,
Kim Jaejoong
The disc contained Jaejoong’s version of Insa. And Picture of You. And a billion other songs they wrote together.
Changmin received a black Moleskine. It was a book full of Jaejoong’s own recipes, on the front page was Jaejoong’s letter to him.
Changmin-ah. (My adorable baby-yah)
You said you don’t want me to leave, I didn’t want to either.
But now that I’ve left, you’ve got to take care of everyone for me alright! You’ll be in charge of their well-being and you have to take care of their meals!
Master the recipes okay? Hit all the high notes for me in the songs to come.
I’ll be watching from above.
Soulfighter-ah, I think I’ll miss your one-touches.
Love,
Kim Jaejoong
Junsu’s letter included a disc too.
Su-yah.
You need to take care of yourself, and Yoochun. Don’t lose yourself in games and hide all your feelings. You know at least when Yoochun cries, he doesn’t shut himself away. But you do.
Hyung can’t be there physically. But I’ll be here spiritually, forever.
I’ve compiled the shows of which we were happy in. They are in the disc. Don’t watch Heaven’s Postman again.
I’ll miss singing with you so so so much.
Love,
Kim Jaejoong
Yunho’s letter included Jaejoong’s diary. There was a page like this in the diary:
Date: When I Die
Han Jaejoong to Kim Jaejoong
Actually. You don’t suck that much.
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
We are one being you know. Seems like we die together too.
Han Jaejoong to Kim Jaejoong
Not really. You might die, in a few years time. But I won’t.
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
Huh why?
Han Jaejoong to Kim Jaejoong
Because Han Jaejoong lives on, in hearts of those whom he loves and loves him.
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
Fuck you.
(You suck a lot.)
Yunho-yah,
I know you might take this the hardest. But you’ve got to be strong. You are our leader-sshi. You can’t fall down like that.
You promised me.
DBSK will be bigger and better than before. You’ll take care of the members I know you will, but you need to remember to take care of yourself.
Here’s a list of things I want you to do. Do it, with all of your heart.
Walk all our dogs. Take Vick out. Take Typhoon out.
Go out and meet up with friends more.
Visit my family. Both sets of parents please. Make sure my little sister gets a good boyfriend.
Visit your family.
Tell Jihye I’m sorry I can’t bring her favourite chocolates in person anymore.
Learn the drums properly.
Play games with Junsu.
Dance with Junsu.
Dance more.
Compose with Yoochun.
Talk to Yoochun.
Talk about current affairs with Min.
Cook with Min.
Get regular check ups.
Find someone to love, doesn’t matter who what where, just love.
Have twenty five kids, have them for me as well.
Tell Hyunjoong he’s a bastard but I love him too. There’s a letter for him too. Pass it to him.
Hang out with Hyunjoong. He’s idiotic but you’ll like him.
Travel around the world.
Find Changmin a good wife.
Get Yoosu to adopt kids.
Don’t forget me.
Live strong.
Live smiling.
Live the dreams. Live your life. Don waste it.
I love you.
And I’ll be here.
Forever.
***
They decide to not just have one concert but a full tour in Jaejoong’s name.
DBSK Heroes Tour 2009
For Cassiopeia, our heroes.
For Kim Jaejoong, our hero.
This tour included guest stars from everywhere. SS501, SHINee, BoA, F.T. Island, Super Junior, CSJH, Zhang Li Yin, Wondergirls, SNSD. They brought in more dancers, more staff than any other band in all of Korean history.
This tour will have the most insane and incredible costumes (Even though Changmin thinks Jaejoong will not approve of but laugh at), it will have gold sequins and a myriad of colourful glittery feathers. It will have the greatest laser show, a 360 degree rotating stage, audiences in numbers of fifty thousand and up.
They open the show with “Hey! Don’t Bring Me Down!” The four of them appear from the top like angels descending from Heaven and pyrotechnic sparks explode in the background behind them.
They walk down the stage, hand in hand and Yunho raises his mike and screams, “Jaejoong-ah! Do you see this?”
The crowd screams and shrieks and roars and cries as one.
Five men and eight hundred thousand Cassiopeians --- their hearts beating as one.
LJ screwed me up just now, so Part 1 is ridiculously short.
But oh well. I hoped you guys liked it.
Concrit is very much welcomed.
Type: One-shot
Genre: Angst
Summary: Because shit happens and sometimes you can't do anything about it.
Pairings: OT5, Yunjae, Yoosu, a little Jaemin, Hyunjae
Note: This one-shot is dedicated to my lost camera. Yes, that explains the angst. And sodapopcorn, for without her, there would be one less person i can turn to in times of shit.
Date: 10 July 2009 to 12 July 2009
Click to view***
Beep.
5.00am.
Changmin glances at his alarm clock. For the very first time in his life, he was going to make breakfast for the members.
“Changmin-ah, tomorrow morning we’ll make breakfast together alright? You always wanted to learn how to make those pancakes didn’t you?”
“Aye?”
“I don’t want my members to starve in futu…Oh. You know.” Jae smiles a half smile.
Changmin nods, looking away, and blinking back his tears. The same lump is back in his throat, the same sensation before a tearfest.
He walks out of the room and he sees Jaejoong in the kitchen, one hand fumbling around with his apron, the other looking for the batter bowl.
Changmin walks over and ties the best ribbon he ever done his whole life.
“Thank you.” Jae’s voice was tight. He shifts over to make room for Changmin.
“Good morning, hyung!” Changmin immediately thinks the attempt was pathetic. His voice was too light and a pitch too high. And he knew Jae knows it too.
“Morning-ah Min.” Jae punches the maknae’s arms. “You’re up early. Now watch carefully alright? Pass me the eggs over there please.”
Changmin watches, trying his best to concentrate, but more often than not, he catches himself staring at his mother of a hyung rather than the limp yellow batter.
“---Always beat it in one direction. Changmin-ah, heat up the pan now. Changmin. Changmin-ah. Min-ah. Changmin-ah!”
“Ah. Yes?”
“Do not slack off in cooking lessons! What kind of student are you?” Jae mocks.
“I - I don’t want my teacher to ever leave.”
“Changmin-ah.” Jae puts down the wooden ladle.
“You can’t leave. Hyung, you just can’t.” Changmin says determinedly, hot tears flowing down before he even knows it.
Jaejoong grabs Changmin into a death grip, shushing him despite tears falling down his face himself.
“It’s okay, Min-ah. It’s okay.”
“Why. Why does this have to…You're our Hero...” The words turn into sobs, and more sobs.
After some time, (it could have been a few seconds, it could have been an eternity, neither of them knew) Jaejoong pulled apart, patting the maknae’s head.
“Now now. We don’t want your stomach growling through interviews later, no?”
Nobody asks why the pancakes tasted so salty afterward during breakfast.
***
The bar was quiet. It was exactly why they chose this place. No fangirls. No questions. Their secret hideout---a tiny bar off the street, Japanese-like sliding doors, soft yellow light, quiet jazz sounds in the background, a few rounds of beers and a mishmash of good ol’ times.
“I was wondering when you were gonna tell me. Bastard.”
“Fuck you. How did you kno---”
Hyunjoong laughs his demented little laugh and orders a few beers.
“Damn it. My diary.”
‘That’s my bro. Didn’t think you were so dumb.”
Jaejoong gives him the finger.
“Screw you. You looked through mine too.”
“Yeah I’m the only one in the world who knows you have a vagina.” Jaejoong sips his beer. “When?”, he pauses before asking quietly.
“One or two months back?” Hyunjoong lies smoothly, cocking a perfectly trimmed eyebrow. It was one month, twenty four days and approximately 6 hours ago.
Jaejoong nods. “So what…did you do?”
Hyunjoong remembers hiding inside the firehose cabinet in the company building. He remembers tucking his knees in and burying his face in his palm. He remembers shaking and coughing and choking and crying and he remembers counting the seconds tick by.
Ever since then he started counting the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds.
“I called Yunho to check if you had insurance.” Hyunjoong grins goofily.
Jaejoong laughs a big roaring laugh and stupidly toasts to that.
“To us!” Jaejoong says stupidly.
Hyunjoong downs his beer faster than ever before. A personal best.
“You know the atmosphere at home, it’s getting to the point of unbearable. It’s so good to just come out. I even had problems convincing the others that I would be fine. That I wouldn’t just drop dead on the streets.”
“You can’t blame them, dude.”
“You have no idea.” Jaejoong pauses, searching for the right word. “They try to be happy and upbeat but it’s so completely fake and I see right through it. They are trying so hard. And the worst is---”
“Yunho.”
“Yes. I really don’t know what to do.”
“He thinks he’s watching you die.”
“I’m not, Hyunjoong-ah. I’m not dying, not yet.”
“Jae.”
“I know. I have cancer. But it’s been under me for so many years now. I can still do this. Yunho doesn’t have to start dropping our activities so soon.”
“Fuck it, Jae. You don’t bloody have time now and you bother about activities? Don’t kid me. You’ve never given a shit about work, alright? You just don’t want things to be so different because of your condition. But fuck, guess what?”
Jaejoong stares at the foam in his beer, oddly calm, as if expectant. Raw nerve struck in him again and again.
“I agree with Yunho on this one. A very first time.” Hyunjoong takes Jaejoong’s drink and downs it too. “You. No more beer. The next time, we’ll bring homemade bento boxes here and just order kimchi.”
“What the f---”
“Shut up, Jae.”
“Hyun---”
“You better die after I do, you heard? You have to be the godfather of my kids. And I’m betting that I’ll at least live till 55. So suck on it!”
Jae stares at his deranged friend, bursting into laughter uncontrollably.
“What?!”
“You are so incredibly fucked up.”
Hyunjoong laughs, nearly choking on his beer. “That’s why we’re friends, idiot.”
***
u_know777: where’s kangin
heechul_kim: sup ma bro?
heechul_kim: he’s out in the living rm, crying watching A Moment to Remember.
u_know777: huh.
heechul_kim: dude you’re not right. wassup?
u_know777: it’s jae.
heechul_kim: quarrelling?
heechul_kim: do you wanna talk abt it over drinks? my treat \n.n/
u_know777: it’s cancer.
heechul_kim: wtf?
heechul_kim: is this a fucking joke?
u_know777: DO YOU THINK I’D FUCKING JOKE?
heechul_kim: no. omg.
heechul_kim: m sorry. U wanna come out? I’ll call you right now.
u_know777: no fuck it. I’m tearing again. jae’s comin over. ttyl.
u_know777 has left the conversation.
heechul_kim: …what?
“Hey.” Jae sets down two coffees on the balcony table.
“Hey.”
“Who was that?”
“Urm, what?”
“Don’t bother lying, -nho-yah”
“Heechul.” Yunho sighs admittedly.
“What did he say?”
Yunho racks his brain, he wasn’t really concentrating on the conversation. He wasn’t a fan of IMs, he always thought they were a really weird way of conversing. He just didn’t know how to tell Heechul or Kangin without crying halfway and sounding ridiculous over the phone.
“Think it was something like, oh my fucking god? Is this a joke?”
Jae smiles, “The moon’s beautiful tonight, -nho-yah.”
Yunho looks at Jaejoong. And then he looks away.
Everytime he looks a bit harder, he would see a little of the cancer surfacing --- the eyebags, the paler skin, the shrunken cheeks.
“There will be no DBSK without you.”
“There will.”
“No there won’t.”
“All of you are good singers and dancers.”
“You do realize you are the lead singer.”
“Sure I am, but Junsu helps a lot. Changmin covers most of the high parts now. Yoochun will compose for me. You will dance for me.”
“That’s not the point, Jae.”
“Yunho-yah. Promise me, DBSK won’t fall apart because of me. Promise me.”
“I can’t --- ”
“It’s my dying wish.”
“I’ll try my best.”
“No. Fuck. I want your word. DBSK will work even harder. DBSK will be bigger. DBSK will be better. Say it.” The pale ghostly figure moves closer to him and holds his arms. “Look into my eyes. Promise me.”
“I - I promise.” Yunho closes his eyes.
Jaejoong smiles and kisses Yunho on his forehead. “That’s more like it, leader-sshi.”
Jae stands up carefully and Yunho makes sure to hold him.
“You think I’d go to Heaven when I die?”
Yunho closes his eyes again, willing his tears back. “Yes. Jae-ah. I think you’d go to a beautiful beautiful place.”
“I’m scared, -nho-yah.” Jaejoong fumbles for his words, whispering them to himself.
But Yunho never fails to hear him. “I’m scared too, Jae-ah.”
Jaejoong turns to Yunho and hugged him tight. He breathes Yunho in, the same awesome mix of Burberry cologne, Frederic Fekkai apple cider shampoo and plain old Yunho and he kisses Yunho’s tears away for the night.
***
“Yoochun.”
Yoochun gets up and walks out, or attempts to walk out of the room, before Jaejoong proceeds to block the doorway.
“How long are you going to avoid me?”
Yoochun shoves his hands into his jeans, biting his lips. “I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
Yoochun gives Jaejoong a brief look and returns to shuffling from foot to foot.
“PARK YOOCHUN.”
Yoochun raises his head slowly, tears already welling up in his eyes. He shook his head. No. Don’t push it.
“Chun-ah. Soulmates, remember?”
Yoochun flops on the beanbag on the floor. “It hurts, it h-hurts so…much, Jae. I can’t - I can’t…look at you…an - and n-not cry.”
Jaejoong holds Yoochun tighter and for the first time with Yoochun, he allows himself to be weak, he allows the tears to flow. The hyung can’t bear to be the strong one at such times, not anymore.
“You’ll write for me. You’ll write…about me. I’ll b-be in the songs. I’ll still be here. I won’t leave.” Jaejoong whispers, rocking slowly.
***
Jaejoong faints again. And this time, all the members are there with him.
“At the current rate of metastasis…”
“Korean. Dr. Kang.”
“Oh right. Basically. He’ll have to watch it. Its…not looking good.” Dr. Kang frowns gravely.
“What the fuck do you mean by it’s not looking good?!” Junsu yells, gripping the side of the table so hard Changmin thinks he might break it.
“He means, what can we do now?” Changmin holds Junsu’s arms, a warning look in his eyes. Yunho was stoning and Yoochun was crying. Sometimes, the maknae has to be strong, too.
“Keep his mood up, he can only eat…”
“What about chemo?”
“Jae doesn’t want chemo.” Yunho speaks up.
“But that’s the only way he’ll live.” Junsu whispers, voice hoarse.
“Yeah. I know.”
I know.
***
Jaejoong watches as Junsu stares at the TV screen, not really watching, just looking, staring. His own face flashes most of the time on the screen, since afterall, it was his movie.
Jaejoong waddles over, his movements have gotten clumsier, more restricted and more easily tired out.
“Su-yah. What are you doing?”
Junsu turns to stare at Jaejoong with a red tear-stained face, tissue box in hand. “Changmin told me to watch the flick that you died in. He said it might be easier. You know, to prepare.”
Jaejoong strokes Junsu’s hair. “Is it working?”
“No, it isn’t. Hyung. It’s n-not working.” Junsu sniffs. “I’ve replayed the scenes so many times.”
Jaejoong walks over, avoiding the crushed beer cans and old magazines, he grabs the remote and switches off the television.
“Junsu-yah…You silly…” he plops himself down beside Junsu and holds him tight. They sing “Insa” but Junsu falls asleep soon after and Jaejoong’s voice ends up being the only one resonating off the walls in the apartment.
parami meo meun
geoshigan jocha
naege neomu mo jaran geoul
hanbeoni miso majimak insa
saranghamnida geudael
shigani jichyeodo
sarange apado
geushigan jocha chueogi go
majimak insa haneyo
saranghamnida saranghamnida
http://www.free-lyrics.org
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
nae saenge dan han bon ni saranga
anyeong
The song ends rather quickly, but Jaejoong repeats it --- saranghamnida saranghamnida fly away fly away love…
Even that time when the wind stays
It’s not enough for me.
I smile one more time and give my final greeting:
I love you.
I am tired now and love hurts but
Even if that time is just a memory
I have to give my final greeting.
I love you, I love you.
Fly away fly away love
Fly away fly away love
Fly away fly away love
In the afterlife I will greet my love again
***
News of Jaejoong’s illness got out soon after the rumours start. It wasn’t easy to hide, with all that trips to the hospital, stalkers, and dropping of activities.
Cassiopeia went crazy with fanmails, fanmade gifts, suicide threats, sit-ins, they started on a string on projects that seemed to Yunho as if Jaejoong was already dead. It seemed to make the fact more real than it already was. And that pissed the hell out of him.
Junsu slammed the door at Eunhyuk the other day when he came to visit.
“He’s NOT dying okay. No need for the fruits and flowers!”
Jaejoong walks out of the kitchen to see a bunch of SuJu at the door, awkward and tense. Jaejoong attempts to push Junsu aside, but Jaejoong’s nothing more than a bag of bones now and he fails, obviously. Jaejoong pokes at Junsu’s arms, “Su. Please.”
And Junsu storms out of the apartment.
But, really, they got to used to it after a while. Everyone seems to visit. BoA, SHINee, Lee Soo Man himself, Kang Ho Dong, Hyun Joong comes a lot too, it got really odd when the members’ families come to visit.
Changmin’s mother and his two sisters.
Jihye.
Junho.
Yoohwan.
Jaejoong’s parents and sisters came a lot, making each visit a cryfest. When they come, Yoochun makes sure he’s out or he locks himself up in the room. Changmin pretends to be doing schoolwork so that he doesn’t seem rude by not attending to the guests but at the same time he doesn’t want to intrude on the sisterly and motherly love. Yunho sticks by Jaejoong wherever he goes. And Junsu sits on the couch and stares at the television screen.
***
One glorious August Sunday morning finds a bright sparkly Jaejoong in his Tokyo Dome concert outfit for Mirotic --- his cheeks are dusted to a rosy glow, shimmering in the warm sunlight; his hair carefully styled so that they cover his forehead, barely sweeping his eyes; his lips are lightly glossed; even his fingernails are cut neatly and manicured.
Changmin nearly chokes on his milk.
“Hyung. What are you doing?” Junsu stares as Jaejoong probes around the apartment.
“The balcony has the best lighting yeah?”
“Jae-ah. What are you doing?” Yunho sighs.
“It might cause overexposure. But I think the DSLR can work it though.”
“What the ---”
“I’m doing a video for the fans.”
Yoochun stumbles out of the room, smelling of coffee and cigarette smoke. Yunho suddenly feels too tired to scold him too.
“But you’ve never really…I don’t know, you didn’t really care about ---”
“Fans. Yeah I know. But yesterday I was going through all the fanmails. And I think that if I’m really leaving, this is the least I could do.”
Jaejoong holds the camera and is now looking for the best angle in the balcony. “Changmin-ah, can you come here and video me? Don’t interrupt, no matter what.”
“My breakfast…” Changmin pouts jokingly and crosses over to the balcony. He adjusts the camera lighting and zooms in a little onto Jaejoong’s face. “Ready? On the count of three. One, two, three.”
Jaejoong musters all the energy he has, which isn’t a lot, but enough, and smiles a little too brilliantly to the camera. Changmin shudders at how hard he has to try.
“Hello everyone! This is DBSK’s Youngwoong Jaejoong…” Changmin doesn’t really listen, it’s basically the same thing, over and over again. Jaejoong lies rather smoothly about how he’s fine, and that things will return to normal soon, and that fans should drink more water and take care of themselves instead of worrying for him. He then proceeds to talk about an upcoming concert, which they obviously do not have plans for at the moment.
Changmin wants to stop the video-ing, but he doesn’t because he knows how hard it would be for Jaejoong to do a re-take, which he would vehemently insist on. The others know it too, they don’t interrupt.
It ends and Youngwoong Jaejoong returns to Kim Jaejoong --- 45kg worthed of a shining beacon of hope to a slumped patient, clutching his knees for support.
“You were brilliant. That was brilliant.” Changmin manages.
“We are not doing a concert now. Don’t be ridiculous.” Yoochun chokes.
“I want this. Yunho agreed too.”
“Yunho-hyung, what are you ---”
“It’s my dying wish.” Jaejoong whispers. “Just one last concert.”
“What can you possibly say to refute that?” Yunho laughs crankily. Changmin worries that his hyung has hit his breaking point.
***
There was a lot of planning to do. The line-ups of the songs, the costumes, the choreography, the lighting, the stage, neither of them think they’ve ever put so much effort into a concert before, not even Tokyo Dome.
Management tries to make the concert into something like a memorial --- all that sepia, black-and-white, slow sad songs and soft mellow light. Yunho tells them to fuck off and they plan everything themselves from scratch.
They try not to step on each other’s feet, but everyone’s so goddamn high-strung, expectedly they fail and end up quarrelling like mad, several times at that.
But thankfully, quarrels are easily resolved by Jaejoong who threatens everyone by, “If you guys are not going to stop this, I’m going to die right now.”
And they shut up, basically leaving Jaejoong to choose whatever they were arguing about initially.
Choreography is hard, because Jaejoong can’t move about so much so Yunho re-choreographs everything with the Tohodancers.
They crash-coursed everything, within a week they were done. Everyone seemed to relax because at least now they had something to focus on, other than Jaejoong, whose flesh was eating itself away day by day. A little by little, he dies a bit more.
But what they didn’t expect, they cannot plan.
Jaejoong faints two days before the concert.
***
Jaejoong lies on the crisp white bed, eyes closed, heavy breathing. He’s fucked up on morphine, and his eyelids twitch every now and then. Yoochun says it’s him seeing the angels, Junsu tells him to “Shut up, Yoochun, go get us coffee.”, Yunho stills and says he’s dreaming, Changmin whispers “Hyungs, it’s just the pain.”
Dr. Kang comes into the room and sits besides Jaejoong, at first he reprimands Jaejoong about not cutting on the beer. Then he tells Jaejoong a story about an orphan. He says that orphans are not unwanted kids, he says that they are kids bestowed from the gods above to people on Earth. They find a home here in the living realm and they give and love and they are loved too, even though they don’t know it.
“You are one of those shining stars from the heavens. Youngwoong Jaejoong was everyone’s superstar. But Kim Jaejoong was our Sun.”
“Thank you.” Yunho says when Dr. Kang leaves. Yunho has never understood him, but this time he looked into the doctor’s eyes, and there was finally a flicker of mutual understanding and agreement.
Jaejoong wakes up at about 3.20 am.
“Guys wake up! Jae’s awake.” Yunho kicks Junsu in the butt.
“-nho-yah.” Heavy breathing. Slowly. Slowly. Slowly.
“Take your time, Jae-ah”
Jaejoong looks at the other four. “There are letters to you all…” Jaejoong is trying so goddamn hard. “In the drawer.” And then he smiles.
The most brilliant smile Yunho has ever seen in his entire life.
“I love you. Jae-ah. I love you so much.”
“Yunho-yah. I love you too. I love DBSK. I love all of you. -nho-yah…I love you so fucking hard, you know u-know?” Jaejoong laughs a cracked laugh, but no sound comes out really, and he smiles and he closes his eyes for the very last time.
The other four break down, finally. The collapse into a pile of sobbing bodies, wrangled limps holding each other tighter than ever before. They stay like that for an eternity, watching as light turns to dark, and as dark turns to light.
They ain't going to let go.
***
The next day, they have so much to do. They have the funeral to attend to, they have the final concert preparations to attend to, they all know, deep down in their hearts, Jaejoong would want the concert to be continue.
Thankfully, Hyunjoong and Jaejoong’s family takes over the handling of the funeral. Yoochun doesn’t know how to take it if it meant seeing Jaejoong’s body one moment and concentrating on sexy dance moves the next.
The news is like a bomb. Warped and twisted stories flood every form of media possible and the paparazzi has never been more hardworking, neither were the stalkers. Cassiopeia lines up outside the hospital, hand in hand, those crying and those struggling not to cry. They sing Insa. They sing Proud. They sing Begin. They sing Picture of You. They sing and sing and the world hears them, Jaejoong hears them.
***
Yoochun’s letter was a limp blue sheet of paper and a disc.
Music has always been our language, Yoochun-ah.
parami meo meun
geoshigan jocha
naege neomu mo jaran geoul
hanbeoni miso majimak insa
saranghamnida geudael
shigani jichyeodo
sarange apado
geushigan jocha chueogi go
majimak insa haneyo
saranghamnida saranghamnida
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
fly away fly away love
nae saenge dan han bon ni saranga
anyeong
Soulmates! Fighting!
Love,
Kim Jaejoong
The disc contained Jaejoong’s version of Insa. And Picture of You. And a billion other songs they wrote together.
Changmin received a black Moleskine. It was a book full of Jaejoong’s own recipes, on the front page was Jaejoong’s letter to him.
Changmin-ah. (My adorable baby-yah)
You said you don’t want me to leave, I didn’t want to either.
But now that I’ve left, you’ve got to take care of everyone for me alright! You’ll be in charge of their well-being and you have to take care of their meals!
Master the recipes okay? Hit all the high notes for me in the songs to come.
I’ll be watching from above.
Soulfighter-ah, I think I’ll miss your one-touches.
Love,
Kim Jaejoong
Junsu’s letter included a disc too.
Su-yah.
You need to take care of yourself, and Yoochun. Don’t lose yourself in games and hide all your feelings. You know at least when Yoochun cries, he doesn’t shut himself away. But you do.
Hyung can’t be there physically. But I’ll be here spiritually, forever.
I’ve compiled the shows of which we were happy in. They are in the disc. Don’t watch Heaven’s Postman again.
I’ll miss singing with you so so so much.
Love,
Kim Jaejoong
Yunho’s letter included Jaejoong’s diary. There was a page like this in the diary:
Date: When I Die
Han Jaejoong to Kim Jaejoong
Actually. You don’t suck that much.
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
We are one being you know. Seems like we die together too.
Han Jaejoong to Kim Jaejoong
Not really. You might die, in a few years time. But I won’t.
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
Huh why?
Han Jaejoong to Kim Jaejoong
Because Han Jaejoong lives on, in hearts of those whom he loves and loves him.
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
Fuck you.
(You suck a lot.)
Yunho-yah,
I know you might take this the hardest. But you’ve got to be strong. You are our leader-sshi. You can’t fall down like that.
You promised me.
DBSK will be bigger and better than before. You’ll take care of the members I know you will, but you need to remember to take care of yourself.
Here’s a list of things I want you to do. Do it, with all of your heart.
Walk all our dogs. Take Vick out. Take Typhoon out.
Go out and meet up with friends more.
Visit my family. Both sets of parents please. Make sure my little sister gets a good boyfriend.
Visit your family.
Tell Jihye I’m sorry I can’t bring her favourite chocolates in person anymore.
Learn the drums properly.
Play games with Junsu.
Dance with Junsu.
Dance more.
Compose with Yoochun.
Talk to Yoochun.
Talk about current affairs with Min.
Cook with Min.
Get regular check ups.
Find someone to love, doesn’t matter who what where, just love.
Have twenty five kids, have them for me as well.
Tell Hyunjoong he’s a bastard but I love him too. There’s a letter for him too. Pass it to him.
Hang out with Hyunjoong. He’s idiotic but you’ll like him.
Travel around the world.
Find Changmin a good wife.
Get Yoosu to adopt kids.
Don’t forget me.
Live strong.
Live smiling.
Live the dreams. Live your life. Don waste it.
I love you.
And I’ll be here.
Forever.
***
They decide to not just have one concert but a full tour in Jaejoong’s name.
DBSK Heroes Tour 2009
For Cassiopeia, our heroes.
For Kim Jaejoong, our hero.
This tour included guest stars from everywhere. SS501, SHINee, BoA, F.T. Island, Super Junior, CSJH, Zhang Li Yin, Wondergirls, SNSD. They brought in more dancers, more staff than any other band in all of Korean history.
This tour will have the most insane and incredible costumes (Even though Changmin thinks Jaejoong will not approve of but laugh at), it will have gold sequins and a myriad of colourful glittery feathers. It will have the greatest laser show, a 360 degree rotating stage, audiences in numbers of fifty thousand and up.
They open the show with “Hey! Don’t Bring Me Down!” The four of them appear from the top like angels descending from Heaven and pyrotechnic sparks explode in the background behind them.
They walk down the stage, hand in hand and Yunho raises his mike and screams, “Jaejoong-ah! Do you see this?”
The crowd screams and shrieks and roars and cries as one.
Five men and eight hundred thousand Cassiopeians --- their hearts beating as one.
LJ screwed me up just now, so Part 1 is ridiculously short.
But oh well. I hoped you guys liked it.
Concrit is very much welcomed.