Our Years Before (.part ii)
Title: Our Years Before
Author: livesmiling / textparade
Summary: Everyone wants to be somebody, but what happens if all that glimmer was only in the chase?
Pairings: Yunho/Jaejoong, OT5
Notes: help_japan fic for boxxme . Sorry this took so long to write, I know you requested for a happy fic but i couldn't find it in myself to write something entirely uplifting :/ hope you like this though!
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
e.e. cummings
December 2010
It is 3.34 am in the morning, Changmin glances at his alarm clock by the bed, head still throbbing from too much partying a few hours ago. He hasn't gone to a club for years, he's not the type really, even if he wasn't Choikang Changmin, he'd very much rather drink alone in a quiet bar. But perhaps it had been too long, one too many shots found Shim Changmin imitating Yunho on the dance floor. The rest is history.
Right now though, he just really, really wants to pee.
Changmin finds Yunho huddled over a mess of papers on the dining table two minutes later and the first coherent thought Changmin has is 'You are not attempting to eat paper, are you?'
Yunho throws a squashed ball of paper at his head. "Go back to sleep, Changmin-ah." Changmin smiles his typical mismatched eye smile, just a little stupidly. He moves back to the bathroom, head still heavy.
When Changmin finally realises that Yunho was writing the last few chords for a song they had in an upcoming album while washing his face, he nearly chokes because suddenly the tears are coming up at full force. The alcohol probably contributed to the sudden low in mood. Changmin grips the sink, trying hard to not make too much noise. He doesn’t want Yunho to hear. The last thing he wants is to make it worse for him.
Changmin slumps in the bathtub, head on his knees tucked together. Why are they trying so hard for something they don’t even believe in anymore? What if they fail? What if the two of them can never be as good as the five of them? Why should they even bother? How do they fight this?
***
December 2011
It has been eight years since they’ve debuted. Everything has gone by, tough as it was, rather smoothly and Yunho can only thank god they pulled through (with Jaejoong or without Jaejoong). He is tired and broken but everything’s going to have to end anyway.
He thinks about what manager-hyung told him a few hours back in the studio - Yunho-ah, it’s December. Yunho remembers grunting in response, uhhuh?
You have to enlist soon, don’t you know that? The company wishes for you both to have, you know…a good closure.
Yunho stops writing but didn’t respond because he didn’t know how to.
A world tour. A real one. Sleep on it and let me know.
Honestly, everything was already decided and Yunho’s job wasn’t to ‘sleep on it’ but simply to tell Changmin and get ready. He receives a message at 3.42 am.
You can’t have a world tour. Not without us. Jaejoong is a selfish, selfish bastard.
We could.
But you don’t want to. The reply comes immediately after --- Jaejoong was always good at texting.
That’s what you think. You always assume.
You know I’m right.
Yunho doesn't reply, there's not much point lying. It’s been years apart but Jaejoong still knows him like the back of his hand. But it's not the three Yunho's upset with anymore. Yunho hates himself for not being able to let go, for still wanting to be five.
***
The world tour is really a world tour this time. It is massive, they are touring a total of 20 states, to places that no other Korean pop idol group has ever ventured before. The tickets are all sold out within minutes. Headlines are large and colourful, booming across the entertainment section of newspapers in the various countries that are expected to hold the concert.
Some of the headlines are sad and twisted - ‘The glorious end of TVXQ’, ‘Shim Changmin rumoured to be diagnosed with cancer, last concert to be held’, some are ridiculous and stupid - ‘JYJ: The Beginning, TVXQ: The Ending’, some are plain heartbreaking - ‘TVXQ: The Last Concert’.
The pressure is suffocating and at times Yunho thinks he might collapse under all that scrutiny. But he wouldn’t because really, nothing beats having three members walk out on you during the peak of your career. There’s nothing more he can’t handle from the media.
Changmin and him spend days at the studio before going home for a few hours, only to freshen up and head back to practice. Rehearsals are back-to-back, Changmin has joined Yunho in being able to dance in his sleep.
The one thing that both of them took the hardest, was revamping the old songs so that they can perform it as two, not five. With every single song they had to reallocate the parts, with every single dance performance they had to re-choreograph several parts so that it wouldn’t look so damn fucking empty.
But there is no room for imperfection, they are Dong Bang Shin Ki. Everyday before the very first concert, they take turns to have nightmares sometimes, waking up in the middle of the night with screams that echo through their bodies but get stuck in their throat. They tell each other they are okay in the morning after, just a bit scared of what's to come, the other nods in understanding but remain silent. There is nothing to say and still everything to hold on to.
***
The US tour had been full of stupid glitches, but it’s not the glitches that got him. Jaejoong chokes on his Mild Seven Lights. It's a little hard to cry and smoke at the same time.
(“We are gonna have a world tour one day, Jaejoong-ah, a real one.”
“We have to start small, you know.”
“Of course I do. A Seoul concert, then a Korean concert, then a Japanese one, then an Asia one, then our world tour, we are going to Europe, America, places and places.”
“You think you could do all that?!”
“No I don’t think I can do all that,” Yunho grins, “I think we can do all that.”)
“You okay?” John asks in his heavily accented Korean, Jaejoong thinks it's quite annoying at times.
Jaejoong merely nods, taking another puff of his Mild Sevens. The atmosphere is slightly awkward because none of them knew each other too well, but neither were they distant enough to be strangers. It’s the kind of situation you really wouldn’t want to be caught in. John really wants either Junsu or Yoochun to appear to take over but good lord where are those two when he needed them?
The situation is made even more awkward when Jaejoong chugs down some Jack Daniels and chain-smokes and gets high.
“What would you have done, if John, if you, if you were me?” Jaejoong whines.
“To be honest, I really don’t know. It’s so difficult to say, I mean, you guys are the ones who’ve been through it all.”
Jaejoong nods, “Yeah man, we’ve been through it all, so why did we separate! Why did we hav-”
“Hey hey, take it easy buddy.” John pats Jaejoong’s back somewhat politely. He’s still feeling awkward.
“If, just if, he wasn’t such a morally upright bitchman, I would have been with him forever, you know?”
John stops patting Jaejoong’s back. Apparently what he thought Jaejoong was talking about, he thought wrong. What the fuck?
“Right, of course.” John doesn’t know how to answer. What exactly is he talking about?
“But then again, if he wasn’t the way he was, I wouldn’t have fallen, would I?”
John nods, choosing his words carefully now, trying to make his answer as vague as possible as that Jaejoong doesn’t think he isn’t following. “Some things are meant to be, some things aren’t.”
Jaejoong doesn’t reply for a long time, John can see the tears welling up in his eyes and he is really, really scared. Jaejoong looks at him, grabs his hands and as the tears start to fall, Jaejoong says, “But we were meant to be.”
***
December 2012
2012.
They say the world is going to end but clearly that is not the case. Yunho joins the army, the navy and Changmin has started on solo activities - more modeling, more filming, a solo album, more CFs to film.
Yunho doesn’t really lead a normal military life all the same, he does the same stuff that most other people do but it really just isn’t the same when he gets a better bunk, longer washing time and bigger portions of food. His bunkmates ask him about SNSD three quarters of the time and it's really beginning to get on his nerves. How is he supposed to answer questions like how ugly Tiffany was before plastic surgery?
Changmin calls him a lot of the times because Hyung it’s really weird that the house is so neat now (they’ve never gotten around to living separately) and Hyung, will you please tell me where you kept my Michael Jackson Thriller album? But really, who is he kidding. Changmin calls mostly because he wants to hear Yunho's voice.
Sometimes he calls for things that are a bit more important. Hyuunnngggg, I think I’ve met someone. Changmin is generally quite shy so he still doesn’t know how to say such stuff to Yunho, close as they may be, some stuff are just awkward to say. So a lot of the times he chooses to text Yunho. Her name’s Yoon Hera and I think you’ll like her.
Over the course of the relationship, Changmin breaks up and makes up and breaks up and makes up again. Yunho thinks it’s the most volatile relationship Changmin has ever had. I’m not so sure if this Yoon Hera girl is good for you, he texts.
But I’ve never been so sure of anything, hyung. It is the fastest reply he has gotten from Changmin.
Yunho doesn’t reply because he knows. It is a couple of years past but every single time he thinks of Jaejoong, every single time he remembers. And it still hurts, it hurts so fucking much. Time doesn’t make wounds heal, no not for him. It has only reminded him of the years he’d lost.
Things eventually get serious. Hyung, when you come out, i want you to meet her, okay? Maybe this weekend or the next? Tell me when you are free!
Yunho meets the legendary Yoon Hera soon after. Changmin is afterall, not very patient. She is, expectedly, a very beautiful woman. She is also, just as Changmin has emphasized, funny, kind and incredibly smart.
Over the course of the dinner together, Yunho sees a different Changmin, a boyfriend/husband-Changmin. Never before in his life has he seen Shim Changmin this contented with himself. It wasn’t the little things he did for her or she did for him. Like knowing each other’s order without even looking at the menu - Sirloin steak, more sauce on the sides for him please, oh and I forgot, medium rare, thank you. Or picking up her phone calls for her - Yeobosaeyo? Oh auntie hi hi, yes she’s with me, she’s in the washroom right now, please do not worry. Yunho can't really pinpoint it, then again, it probably can't be.
Those things are expected. The world is moving on, only him, Jung Yunho is stuck in the years behind and still hopelessly, stupidly in love with god bless, another man. What the fuck is wrong with him, fuck fuck fuck.
***
“How is she?” Changmin asks in the car, after dropping Hera off at her apartment. Yunho can tell that Changmin has been waiting to ask the question for a very, very long time. The Jung Yunho stamp-of-approval was afterall, still quite important.
“She’s…nice.” Yunho nods.
“Just nice?”
“No no no, not just nice!” Yunho fumbles for the right words, he never was very good with words. They never seemed enough for what he wanted to express. “She’s wonderful, Changmin-ah. I don’t know her very well, but she seems good for you.”
“So you approve of her?”
Yunho pauses. He remembers Changmin's occasional emo text messages when they had fights or when they ‘broke up’. He remembers hearing Changmin blabbering nonsense, slurring his words whenever he got drunk alone because of her. He remembers rushing over to Changmin's house immediately after and watch Changmin play pretend the morning after. ("I'm okay", Changmin will say. But that's all he ever says.)
“Are you happy with her? Truly, truly happy?” Changmin stops at the red light and turns to look at Yunho. “Because if you are, Changmin-ah, you better fucking keep her.”
***
December 2013
It is 2013 and Yunho still doesn’t have a girlfriend. It makes it hard for him when he goes home to visit, so he rarely ever does. His relatives pressures him constantly. When are you bringing someone home, Yunho-yah? I have a friend whose daughter is really pretty and smart, you know.
His reply is always short and vague but nonetheless polite. “No thanks, I'm still really busy.” Or “No thanks, it’s just not the right time.”
Yunho's parents don't say anything, but he knows they know. He can tell it in their eyes when the topic of marriage is brought up - when his mother quickly changes the topic whenever his aunties ask, or in the way his father purses his lips together. It's all so very obvious but somehow Yunho is just very thankful for their silence. He doesn't know if he can handle anymore than that.
Changmin calls him one day and gushes to him over the phone that Hyung I’m getting married!!! Yunho claps his palm over his mouth, body trembling with happiness. He wasn’t even the one getting hitched.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my fucking god, really? Yunho gushes, oh my god oh my god -
***
The wedding is small and quiet, but nonetheless beautiful and intimate. There are no paparazzi around at all. Yunho is very impressed at how Changmin did it.
When the bride walks down the aisle to the front, everyone turns to look at the bride but Yunho doesn’t. He looks at Changmin in his wedding suit, beaming from ear to ear and his eyes start to tear up.
Thank you Lord for letting Changmin find his happiness, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Neither Jaejoong nor Junsu nor Yoochun was invited, but an anonymous gift (an incredibly large set of home speakers) was sent to Changmin's new apartment. There was no name written in the note attached. Just a simple Congratulations, Changmin. Yunho recognises the handwriting at one glance, he knows Changmin knows too.
Changmin puts away the gift in one of the spare rooms, refusing Hera's suggestion of displaying it in the living room. They argue over it a bit because Hera doesn't understand why Changmin would keep it there. Yunho tells Hera it's already amazing that Changmin didn't throw it away.
Hera goes quiet. "Exactly. It's been so long, i don't want it to be on his radar still. He has to move on."
Yunho doesn't know what to say to that. He smiles weakly in reply because he doesn't know how to move on either.
***
December 2014
Everything seems to be moving at a fast forward motion. He's working mainly as one of the dance choreographers in SM Entertainment. He loves dancing, and he likes his job just fine. Yet, nothing seems to matter anymore. His only worry post break-up was Changmin and Changmin -
Changmin is happily married, Yunho teases him about having children whenever they meet up (rare, very very rare, these days). It's not that he doesn't want to, but whenever they meet up now, seeing how happy Changmin, it just makes what's lacking in his own life realer. He feels kind of terrible and sorry and pathetic.
It's not that he hasn't tried dating after that, he tried, he really really did. He tried going out with people, dated some of them, doesn't matter male or female. But something just isn't quite right. And everytime, without fail, the relationship seems to hit a rock and he can't move forward. Everytime he kisses the other person, Jaejoong flashes in his head and he feels sick after that. Sick and guilty and a complete loser. He feels so bad for the other party, it is so unfair, he thinks, so eventually he stops trying.
Once in a while he'd receive a postcard from an anonymous sender, but the handwriting makes it all too obvious. It's always a postcard from somewhere in the world, with a short note. I hope you are happy, we are doing fine, don't worry about us. Or something sappy. I was just thinking of you. Or something painful. I wished i could turn back time. Yunho keeps each and every one of them in a large Davidoff cigar wooden box (it used to be Jaejoong's), arranging them chronologically.
Every now and then he would take them out and re-read the cards, he suspects he has re-read them at least hundreds of times. He would sit down on the balcony and just read. Often he would skip his meals and medication and Yunho's mind will drift and sometimes he can see Jaejoong right there beside him, laughing and holding his hand. They would talk and talk for hours and Yunho thinks, this is what it means to be happy.
It's happened more than just a few times and Yunho knows it's the fact that he has stopped taking his pills so regularly. He's not sure if it's the depression or something entirely different - that he's going crazy. It doesn't matter because Changmin was all that was keeping him alive, keeping him sane and keeping him going. But now Changmin, Changmin could take care of himself. There are no more group activities to worry about, each of them have their own careers.
Yunho just wants to be happy. And for once, it's within reach.
***
December 20XX
(It is Year 20XX and the Dong Bang Shin Ki of today is bigger like never before.
These are five guys who have a official fanclub of 800 000 people. It's called Cassiopeia. These are five guys who made it to the top out of sheer hard work and pure determination. These are five guys who have had eight number-one singles on the Oricon Chart. These are five guys that are pulled together by fate to become something more than they ever thought they could be. They are Dong Bang Shin Ki, and they are the Rising Gods of the East.)
Yunho wakes up with a jolt. Everything is just like it was before, he is now Jung Yunho, not U-know Yunho.
Nobody really knows how things turned out this way, or why exactly. It was never just the agency's problem. There were little, little things that accumulated. And these people, they got stressed out, they got tired, and they -
All of it is history now, and really, nobody really wants to talk about it. Life goes on. Just not really.
***
Yunho writes a letter to Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin and last of all, Jaejoong. He suspects he wouldn't have much of his sanity left very much longer. So he better write some before he leaves. Each letter is long, heartfelt, and painful, and each letter is written with them sitting opposite him. It's okay even if it's all in his head, Yunho thinks. Nothing is unreal anymore. Everything is real and everybody he needs is here, right here beside him.
Yunho is writing Junsu's letter while Junsu is by his side, playing his computer games, occasionally jumping with joy when he wins the game, causing Yunho to write wrongly. Yunho is writing Yoochun's letter in the balcony while Yoochun is in the living room, playing the piano. It's a new song he's playing and Yunho doesn't quite recognise it. Yunho is writing Changmin's letter on the dining table, with Changmin opposite him, sifting through the schedules. "Hyung, shall we ask to shift the interview this thursday to tomorrow morning? It fits better that way." Yunho laughs and says, "Sure, anything goes."
Yunho is writing Jaejoong's letter and Jaejoong is everywhere. Jaejoong is in the kitchen making kimchi jjigae; Jaejoong is in the balcony, smoking; Jaejoong is on the piano, composing; Jaejoong is wearing his black boots, going out to a party; Jaejoong is on the phone, talking to Hyunjoong; Jaejoong is in his lap, laughing; Jaejoong is beside him, sleeping on his shoulder.
Yunho doesn't forget his fans. He sets up a video, Changmin taught him once before. He thanks Cassiopeia for being there all these years, he tells them he loves them and he will never forget them. He says he's sorry but he's going to take a long break, and depending on the situation he may or may not return to showbiz. He thanks his members, his members are not just Shim Changmin, but they also include former members Kim Jaejoong, Kim Junsu and Park Yoochun. He tells the world that they are the best members any group can possibly have. He thanks S.M. Entertainment for bringing Dong Bang Shin Ki to where they are today. He thanks BoA, Super Junior, SNSD and a million other artists who had helped him in some ways or another in his journey.
He tries recording a video for his family. But it turns out all wrong because he spends half the time crying about how unfilial a child he has been and he finds that he really can't face them. He ends up writing letters for them too. He tells his sister to take charge of his bank account and to take care of mum and dad. He says he's sorry about half a million times and his letter to his parents are so tear-soaked the inked words are all smudged and barely legible.
Yunho packs his stuff, a picture of the five of them, it's an old picture - the resolution is rather poor too (it was taken by Jaejoong's crappy phone with only 2.0 megapixels) but somehow he really likes it. All of them are smiling stupidly in the dance studio, arms over each other's shoulders. He wears his favourite leather jacket, Jaejoong's faded white shirt, Changmin's black skinnies and Junsu's oversized shades. He stuffs his phone, wallet, air ticket for Switzerland, Bambi and Yoochun's BOSE headphones together with the photo into his Burberry duffel and heads for the airport.
His doctor is already waiting, and he will finally be going to where he wants to go.
/fin
remarks: this took so massively long to finish, kept having writer's block throughout, sorry for the hideously late post. and i'm sorry it's quite the opposite from what was requested. i'm not quite the happy-fic-writer. probably my last DBSK fic ever - falling out of fandom. they will always have a place in my heart, and i will always love their songs. but it's just not the same anymore. i will write when i feel like it, i guess. but i still have one more JE fic to write for help_japan, lol. fic wise, i'm not sure if it felt too trying to cover so many years in the fic, and there's no actual plot either, it really is quite an odd fic. hahaha. oh dear. anw, concrit and comments will always be loved.