It has been a - strange week. I have not been able to be here every night, but it has been almost every evening. When Lily saw me a few days ago, she said at once that she thought Fiona should not see me until the bruises on my face went down. This is quite right, although I miss putting her to bed. But it has meant I have been able to be more selfish, and thus spend nearly every night with Tez. And it is strange because -
I am quite sure I am happyMy black eye has faded into a yellow-green, now, and the marks on my throat are almost gone. This has not stopped Jenkins frowning at Tez. Jenkins has the least presence in a room of anyone I have ever met - it is, I know, a skill he spent a long time developing - but somehow he has managed to make his feelings for Tez quite clear this week. I find it a little amusing, because it otherwise does not impede his performance. My employees at the office were visibly startled by my bruises - all except Jeanie, who can take anything in her extremely capable stride. I felt conscious of everyone's
( ... )
Started to smile as soon as I heard the door, and now it's worse. For fuck's sake. Anyone would think I was happy.
How he gets through the day so uncreased I'll never know. Fucking unnatural. "Hi honey, you're home?" I call back, mocking us both, and come through to see him. "How was work? Toppled any business empires today? There's tea in the kitchen." Coffee, too, but he bitches about my coffee. "My day sucked balls." Endless paper-shuffling. Chuck the whole fucking lot in the trash, if I could.
Tez appears, and my smile springs up in a ridiculous sort of way. The last time I remember being quite so excited to get home was when Lily and I were first married - but that is hardly what I want to think of right now. So I do not. I think about Lily enough. My time with Tez is mine alone.
"How was work? Toppled any business empires today? There's tea in the kitchen. My day sucked balls."
I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Hopefully not literally. Everyone in your department is quite unattractive," I say breezily. "I shall get changed; I will be down in a moment."
With my suit put away and wearing a thawb, I feel the working day is left behind, too. As I come downstairs and walk to the kitchen, I smell cardamom, and I feel another little shock of what I suppose is contentment. I pour myself a cup and savour the first sip.
"Now," I say, and I take Tez's face in my hands. "Now I am home." And I kiss him.
"Hopefully not literally. Everyone in yoru department is quite unattractive."
Give him the finger idly and watch him go up the stairs, head back into the kitchen and sip my coffee. Started putting more sugar in it recently. Been craving sweet things more, since I came off the booze.
Always a bit startling to see him when he's changed. Getting more used to him dressed like this, but there's always a moment of shock. That loose thing has its advantages, though, and I smile to myself. And then he's kissing me, and his mouth tastes of cardamom, foreign and newly familiar together.
"Now. Now I am home."
Rest my cheek against his for a moment, feel the rasp of stubble against stubble. "Good. I haven't eaten, by the way." Hungrier, too, without the booze. He doesn't seem to be in the habit of keeping food in the place.
"Don't think your father would've appreciated me much at all. And not just cos I'm male."
I snort.
"He probably would have had something to say about me getting in bed with the law, yes."
He lets me undress him. There is nothing urgent about it, nothing even overwhelmingly sexual. It is strangely comforting, to shed our clothes together. I unfasten his belt.
"I didn't think I did. Until I went back. Then - it was the smells of the place, weirdly. Just...when I got back, it was like Excolo smelled wrong. Now...I think of it more. Don't think I'd go back."
"And your brother is dead," I say gently, unzipping his pants. I kneel down to pull them off, and I kiss the inside of his thigh. And so is my father, dead for years, but it is only now that I have begun to exorcise him. Perhaps we are ridding ourselves of our ghosts.
"And your brother is dead." Think of saying, thank you, Al, I was aware, but my heart's not in being bitchy. And I know what he means, anyway, so when he kneels and kisses me I rest my hand lightly in his hair, lifting my bad leg out of my pants leg.
"Yes," I say, simply. "He is." I look down at him kneeling there, and feel a kind of twinge around my heart. It's closer to pain than love, I think, this feeling, but it's not a bad sort. More like the pain when something's healing than when it's rotting, for once.
"I hate that we wouldn't have this, if he wasn't." I didn't mean to say that - just came out of its own accord. Suppose I have to run with it, then, and I sigh. Not what I wanted to be discussing. "That I - gave him that much power." I brush Al's hair back, trace his hairline with a finger.
For all that my voice's calm enough my heart's going fast. Only discussed this once, ever, with him, and never sober.
"I hate that we wouldn't have this, if he wasn't. That I - gave him that much power."
I look up at him. His hand is very gentle on my hair.
"I hate him," I say flatly. "I hate him the way I hate Gabe. Maybe more," I say, and is that not a thought? "Because he hurt you, not me." I stroke the inside of his leg and stand up. "Our families fucked us up quite well," I observe, drawing him to me, bare skin against skin. "But we can leave that behind."
"I hate him the way I hate Gabe. Maybe more." Feel my throat close up at that, so that I can't speak until he's pulled me in against him. "Our families fucked us up quite well. But we can leave that behind."
I put my arms round him. His gentleness always amazes me, when he shows it. I know that I'd kill Gabe, if I could. Find the knowledge sitting in me, just like that. I think I'd enjoy it.
I should feel wrong about that, but I can't, holding him like that. Just think about the youth he must've been, how he was broken. I'd do it, Al. Thought makes me press against him a bit more firmly.
"We can leave it all behind." I drop my head and kiss the place where his neck joins his shoulder, very gently. I remember him saying he'd kill anyone who stood in our way, and think how the muzzle of his gun pressed up against my jaw. My hand brushes down to his ass, rests there lightly.
My legs tremble as I come down, panting hard. I feel loose-limbed, relaxed, but Tez's muscles are still tense around me. I let go of his hair, shift the arm around his chest so I can hold him better, and put my sweat-damp hand on his cock. He is so very hard. I feel my cock give a final twitch inside him at the feel of his hardness, the heat of him, and I jerk his prick roughly, quickly.
"Come on, love," I say. "I want to feel you come."
There's nothing gentle about his hand, and that's good, because I don't have the patience now. I let my head hang forward, breathing hard, and when I come it's hard relief that leaves me gasping. Feels more like an afterthought than anything, something physical I needed to get out of the way so I could relax with him; the real climax was that point he was so deep inside me.
"Fuck," and my voice is raw, exhausted. "I love you. Lie down with me now."
He comes hard, panting, and I shudder a little in sympathy behind him.
"I love you. Lie down with me now."
I withdraw, easing out gently, and I help him down onto the bed because I know his knees will have seized up. I lie with my chest against his back, and I kiss his shoulder.
"I love being inside you," I say. "Really, I do not know why I do anything else. Work, eating..." I smile against his shoulder, and I let out a satisfied sigh.
I stroke his hip for a while, almost drifting to sleep.
"I wonder if she will look like you," I say. "Your daughter, I mean." I am not sure why it comes to mind now. "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."
I can't move, but he helps me without me asking. His arm over me is comforting, his lips against my shoulder. "I love being inside you. Really, I do not know why I do anything else. Work, eating..."
"Eating gives you the energy to fuck," I say lazily. "Can stop working, if you want."
I'm pretty much asleep by the time he speaks again. "I wonder if she will look like you." What? "Your daughter, I mean." Oh. Why's he - "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."
Interesting. Turn over to look at him. "Took a bit of getting used to, I've got to say. But - I want this, Al. A kid, I mean. I think I'll make a shitty father," fucking terrified I will, "but...yeah."
I brush his hair back from his face. "Why were you jealous, love?" He wasn't jealous of the fucking, I think. I remember what happened, when I told him about the baby. Remember it very well, and I smile a bit.
Comments 71
I am quite sure I am happyMy black eye has faded into a yellow-green, now, and the marks on my throat are almost gone. This has not stopped Jenkins frowning at Tez. Jenkins has the least presence in a room of anyone I have ever met - it is, I know, a skill he spent a long time developing - but somehow he has managed to make his feelings for Tez quite clear this week. I find it a little amusing, because it otherwise does not impede his performance. My employees at the office were visibly startled by my bruises - all except Jeanie, who can take anything in her extremely capable stride. I felt conscious of everyone's ( ... )
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Started to smile as soon as I heard the door, and now it's worse. For fuck's sake. Anyone would think I was happy.
How he gets through the day so uncreased I'll never know. Fucking unnatural. "Hi honey, you're home?" I call back, mocking us both, and come through to see him. "How was work? Toppled any business empires today? There's tea in the kitchen." Coffee, too, but he bitches about my coffee. "My day sucked balls." Endless paper-shuffling. Chuck the whole fucking lot in the trash, if I could.
Soon.
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"How was work? Toppled any business empires today? There's tea in the kitchen. My day sucked balls."
I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Hopefully not literally. Everyone in your department is quite unattractive," I say breezily. "I shall get changed; I will be down in a moment."
With my suit put away and wearing a thawb, I feel the working day is left behind, too. As I come downstairs and walk to the kitchen, I smell cardamom, and I feel another little shock of what I suppose is contentment. I pour myself a cup and savour the first sip.
"Now," I say, and I take Tez's face in my hands. "Now I am home." And I kiss him.
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Give him the finger idly and watch him go up the stairs, head back into the kitchen and sip my coffee. Started putting more sugar in it recently. Been craving sweet things more, since I came off the booze.
Always a bit startling to see him when he's changed. Getting more used to him dressed like this, but there's always a moment of shock. That loose thing has its advantages, though, and I smile to myself. And then he's kissing me, and his mouth tastes of cardamom, foreign and newly familiar together.
"Now. Now I am home."
Rest my cheek against his for a moment, feel the rasp of stubble against stubble. "Good. I haven't eaten, by the way." Hungrier, too, without the booze. He doesn't seem to be in the habit of keeping food in the place.
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I snort.
"He probably would have had something to say about me getting in bed with the law, yes."
He lets me undress him. There is nothing urgent about it, nothing even overwhelmingly sexual. It is strangely comforting, to shed our clothes together. I unfasten his belt.
"I didn't think I did. Until I went back. Then - it was the smells of the place, weirdly. Just...when I got back, it was like Excolo smelled wrong. Now...I think of it more. Don't think I'd go back."
"And your brother is dead," I say gently, unzipping his pants. I kneel down to pull them off, and I kiss the inside of his thigh. And so is my father, dead for years, but it is only now that I have begun to exorcise him. Perhaps we are ridding ourselves of our ghosts.
Reply
"Yes," I say, simply. "He is." I look down at him kneeling there, and feel a kind of twinge around my heart. It's closer to pain than love, I think, this feeling, but it's not a bad sort. More like the pain when something's healing than when it's rotting, for once.
"I hate that we wouldn't have this, if he wasn't." I didn't mean to say that - just came out of its own accord. Suppose I have to run with it, then, and I sigh. Not what I wanted to be discussing. "That I - gave him that much power." I brush Al's hair back, trace his hairline with a finger.
For all that my voice's calm enough my heart's going fast. Only discussed this once, ever, with him, and never sober.
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I look up at him. His hand is very gentle on my hair.
"I hate him," I say flatly. "I hate him the way I hate Gabe. Maybe more," I say, and is that not a thought? "Because he hurt you, not me." I stroke the inside of his leg and stand up. "Our families fucked us up quite well," I observe, drawing him to me, bare skin against skin. "But we can leave that behind."
Reply
I put my arms round him. His gentleness always amazes me, when he shows it. I know that I'd kill Gabe, if I could. Find the knowledge sitting in me, just like that. I think I'd enjoy it.
I should feel wrong about that, but I can't, holding him like that. Just think about the youth he must've been, how he was broken. I'd do it, Al. Thought makes me press against him a bit more firmly.
"We can leave it all behind." I drop my head and kiss the place where his neck joins his shoulder, very gently. I remember him saying he'd kill anyone who stood in our way, and think how the muzzle of his gun pressed up against my jaw. My hand brushes down to his ass, rests there lightly.
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"Come on, love," I say. "I want to feel you come."
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Thank fuck.
There's nothing gentle about his hand, and that's good, because I don't have the patience now. I let my head hang forward, breathing hard, and when I come it's hard relief that leaves me gasping. Feels more like an afterthought than anything, something physical I needed to get out of the way so I could relax with him; the real climax was that point he was so deep inside me.
"Fuck," and my voice is raw, exhausted. "I love you. Lie down with me now."
Reply
"I love you. Lie down with me now."
I withdraw, easing out gently, and I help him down onto the bed because I know his knees will have seized up. I lie with my chest against his back, and I kiss his shoulder.
"I love being inside you," I say. "Really, I do not know why I do anything else. Work, eating..." I smile against his shoulder, and I let out a satisfied sigh.
I stroke his hip for a while, almost drifting to sleep.
"I wonder if she will look like you," I say. "Your daughter, I mean." I am not sure why it comes to mind now. "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."
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"Eating gives you the energy to fuck," I say lazily. "Can stop working, if you want."
I'm pretty much asleep by the time he speaks again. "I wonder if she will look like you." What? "Your daughter, I mean." Oh. Why's he - "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."
Interesting. Turn over to look at him. "Took a bit of getting used to, I've got to say. But - I want this, Al. A kid, I mean. I think I'll make a shitty father," fucking terrified I will, "but...yeah."
I brush his hair back from his face. "Why were you jealous, love?" He wasn't jealous of the fucking, I think. I remember what happened, when I told him about the baby. Remember it very well, and I smile a bit.
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