probably my last livejournal entry.
Well, I have to say, this year has been pretty shitty.
and with all this stuff going around about me I think I'm going to clear a few things up & give you people a look inside my head.
I've learned alot this year. A few good, a few bad, who to trust, who not to trust, made some mistakes, had some regrets, been up & been down.
I usually put up this front acting like everythings okay, but alot of times I've had some rough moments. People have said I think i'm "perfect" and "better than everyone" & all this stuff, but thats far from the truth. I usually just put a happy face on & pretend nothings bothering me. I can hide away all my problems underneath a smile and no one would ever know the difference. Truth being, I have alot going on in my life, more than anyone knows.
Things were NOT handed to me on a silver platter to say the least. Do you actually think I want to work two jobs? To go to work at Profiles 8-5 and then go straight from Profiles & run around all night at Beef O'Brady's until 9? That's thirteen hours of work. With no breaks. I pay for everything myself. My car, my clothes, my fun time. Yes my mom does give me money when she can, but she can't always. She works alone, shes divorced and in lots of debt, and is very very sick all the time. My freshman year, she spent it all in hospitals. I'd call her in the morning, not only to say hello, but just to make sure she was still alive. Everytime the phone would ring I'd be scared it would be my dad telling me my mom wasn't okay. Did I ever tell anyone? Was it ever in my livejournal? No. Because I didn't want anyone to know I was hurt and scared.
At home, I do everything. I clean, do my laundry, get me & my sister ready for school, and I basically have to keep an eye on my mother to make sure she's okay.
I party alot, but only so I can get away & forget about what I have to come back to & all this stress I have to worry about.
I have flaws, lots of them. I stress out alot, overwork myself, try too hard to please everyone, cry for no reason, worry too much, and always make a mess of everything.
I don't think everyone likes me, in fact I know they don't. Some people, definately more than others. But I play it off & don't make a big deal out of it so I don't make things worse. I'm sure I've probably pissed some people off, whatever, nobody always gets along. That's life. But I try my hardest to walk alone to every class, keep my head down, and don't talk much to avoid even more rude, nasty, and mostly untrue things going around. People & things I've been associated with mostly make no sense, considering I pretty much only go to work or hang out with Brett, Donald, Sam, Rita, Courtney or Colleen. Yeah we'll go places, see different people, but its usually never for long & at the end of the night I'm usually with the ones I'm closest to goofing off and laughing about the good times. The most frusterating part is to be accused & blamed of things that aren't even possible. I mean I wish I could say I've done half these things, I'd be such a pimp! But in reality thats not how it is.
I've come to learn that life, if taken too seriously, can easily overcome you & you become victim to your own conscience. But also, if you don't take it serious enough, you find yourself in a problems equally as bad. Its that happy medium thats hard to find, and I've definately realized the importance of the attainment of a sense of self. Experiences and bad judgement are the only way to learn new things & regrets aren't always a bad thing to have. Its important to not follow the crowd, make your own decisions, and if you can still sleep at night with the things you do, more power to you.
I can look myself in the mirror every morning, and I'm trying to find who I am and even though I make mistakes and feel lost sometimes, I'm comfortable with that. I know my passion in life, and although they are few, I know who my true friends are. I don't have a boyfriend, but I don't need one to make me feel complete.
I can say I don't care what anyone has to say about me, because honestly, there are very few people who I really dislike. Most of the people who have something to say about me, I'm perfectly fine with. I don't have to justify myself or make other people look bad to feel good about myself. Everyone talks their own share of shit, I'm not saying I don't, but I would never maliciously ruin someones reputation to save my own.
So go ahead & say what you like, most everyone else has their own shit about themselves that isn't exactly something they'd like everyone to know.
Next time you think about opening your mouth about somebody, think about how that would affect them & how bad you would feel if the same things were going around about you, true or untrue. And think about how bad you're making yourself look by talking so bad about everyone else, because I know for one when someone sits there and talks so many negative things about someone else, how easily they could turn around and do it to me.
It sucks to think how close I was with alot of people and now thats gone because of a few stupid rumors that don't even involve most of them. Last year and last summer was some of the best I can remember, and now I get nervous to say hi in the halls. I loved my outgoing side & how I was so happy go lucky, and now I have panic attacks almost every other day because of all this stress and nerves. I deleted my myspace because I thought it would start more rumors, and after this entry I probably won't update my livejournal anymore. I can't believe I've gotten to the point where I worry about what people are going to say, but thats all I have left. I'm completely exhausted and I just need a few less things to worry about. I've gotten to the breaking point, and I need out.
Maybe more people will understand me, maybe not.
I got that all out on the table, and there's more beneath me, but that's all I'd like to share for now.
Don't comment trying to give me pity "omg caity i love you you're so sweet... dont worry about what people say". If you have something to say thats meaningful then go right ahead. But I don't really need any comments.
If you need me, you have my screen name.
farewell.