yes, i'm ok. as i said in a previous post, the stuff last week was NOT by "just" a friend, not a partner (whew!)...it did bring up some of that stuff with PSYCHO. however, i've processed it, felt it, and at least understand it, ya know?
i'm just glad that i don't have to live in the mind of PSYCHO & this other person -- it must be a wretched, emotional place to have to be & i feel sorry for the both of them.
*hugs* sweetie -- i'm so glad that you are finding a happy space with Jules!!
okay ... i was worrying about you for a second there. and yeah, that kind of situation IS a wretched emotional place ...
thank you for being happy for us ... honestly, i do have moments when i think this must be a dream ... i'l still looking for red flags, know what i mean? i just can't find any. :)
awwwwww.....that is so wonderful!!! yeah, thinking about the two of you being so happy makes me happy, too :) i'm glad that things are working out so well!!
Among the things I did: lying and saying things that happened didn't happen, and things that did happen didn't, creating constant drama, saying "you're wrong and I'm right," demanding that my needs be met, constant criticizing, treating someone like they're stupid, denying someone's memory, denying any opinions which differed from my own, controlling behaviors, pushing buttons, saying I was "just joking" when I said hurtful things, emotional outbursts, blaming.
I'm not trying to excuse what I did by saying I was abused by my mom's boyfriend, but I was emotionally abused by my peers, my sister, my mother, and her boyfriend, and I believe that some of why I did these things can be traced to that. Almost all of the things I did had been done to me by someone else before.
i don't hate you. it sounds, however, as if you are hating yourself. i've gone through that & still experience moments where i can't stand the sight of myself, so i can empathize with you.
the important thing is to talk it out with people -- to try to understand it, to become aware when you allow yourself to be treated in certain ways & why & when/why you treat others so, and to try to work through it.
No...I'm not seeing anyone right now, though I know I should be.
Basically it started with a feeling of hopelessness and frustration, like she didn't care about me the way I wanted her to, and never would. When I felt like she thought I was stupid and weird and demented. Whenever she said something that made me feel stupid, I'd have to make a huge deal out of it, never let anything go. I couldn't be satisfied until I'd made her feel bad too. Like everyone has to share in my misery. That's how I was feeling when I'd act that way. I would feel jealous and angry and sad, like life was so unfair and would always be. I'd make her feel bad about her celeb crushes, like saying "eww, she's gross, how can you like her" and making her feel weird, guilty, bad about it.
ok I know that's way too much info to put on your journal, but there it is.
I know I should be in therapy...I know I should. :(
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hey, do you go to any of the Pride stuff in NYC?
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Pride stuff in NYC is the last week of June! Come down - lots of good times. The Dyke March is on Saturday and the Pride parade is Sunday.
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i'm just glad that i don't have to live in the mind of PSYCHO & this other person -- it must be a wretched, emotional place to have to be & i feel sorry for the both of them.
*hugs* sweetie -- i'm so glad that you are finding a happy space with Jules!!
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thank you for being happy for us ... honestly, i do have moments when i think this must be a dream ... i'l still looking for red flags, know what i mean? i just can't find any. :)
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I'm not trying to excuse what I did by saying I was abused by my mom's boyfriend, but I was emotionally abused by my peers, my sister, my mother, and her boyfriend, and I believe that some of why I did these things can be traced to that. Almost all of the things I did had been done to me by someone else before.
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the important thing is to talk it out with people -- to try to understand it, to become aware when you allow yourself to be treated in certain ways & why & when/why you treat others so, and to try to work through it.
are you seeing a counselor?
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Basically it started with a feeling of hopelessness and frustration, like she didn't care about me the way I wanted her to, and never would. When I felt like she thought I was stupid and weird and demented. Whenever she said something that made me feel stupid, I'd have to make a huge deal out of it, never let anything go. I couldn't be satisfied until I'd made her feel bad too. Like everyone has to share in my misery. That's how I was feeling when I'd act that way. I would feel jealous and angry and sad, like life was so unfair and would always be. I'd make her feel bad about her celeb crushes, like saying "eww, she's gross, how can you like her" and making her feel weird, guilty, bad about it.
ok I know that's way too much info to put on your journal, but there it is.
I know I should be in therapy...I know I should. :(
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or maybe you could join a group at school?
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