You fear that you can't do it all and you're right
Am I whole?
I'm... will always be-- incomplete.
Even with these memories, I still feel as if... I am unsure. Is my completion only to be found when I die? That peace... It isn't to say I wish for it to come as much as I wish for any to come (the beginning of the end is also my beginning) and my time will come once that has come to pass. Unless I'm no longer bound by such things... and then. I'm still unused to living without that purpose, though as that person said, to live by Her wishes and strictly for Her, to bring fulfillment to humans, in other ways. It is not my goal to bring sadness-- only change.
But somehow... With that part of me-- since we are now as we are... more or less, have I not become a part of him? With all our memories... perhaps I should just relay what I have gained and put my trust in him to take care of such things. I have found... time and time again, I am ill-equipped to live outside of those circumstances.
Having what they call a home... what they call friends... these relationships are very dear to me. I've never imagined such happiness could exist-- much less be my own. I almost feel as if I still do not deserve it-- or should not have it; such things... make one's role harder to fulfill, she would likely say. Selfishness.
And I've been told, time and again, that this selfishness... is okay. Appropriate. Encouraged-- or not selfishness at all. I've somehow strayed from my point. Even if... I don't think I had a point in the beginning of all this. Perhaps it's just in my mind. If I am to be existing this way, I must not allow these sorts of things to interfere. I must change. I must become a new self-- and die again, perhaps. I have already died once or twice before. It's... difficult to define whether or not the second was mine-- or his. The third cycle... has possibly already started. So... I should not fear this change.
I feel as if what has come to pass was ordained. Maybe even She is... all right with it. My self in the past has died once more. I'm happy and... all right with being so. I care for all of them... very deeply. I cannot forget all this. Even if I am incomplete, and the day may come when I will need to die, maybe a fourth time, or a fifth, I can let this 'life' take me where it may.
I just hope that in all of this... that part of me-- he... can bear it as well. Nothing that I have is completely my own, yet this is something I must do for myself. No one else can live this but me.
I'm... will always be-- incomplete.
Even with these memories, I still feel as if... I am unsure. Is my completion only to be found when I die? That peace... It isn't to say I wish for it to come as much as I wish for any to come (the beginning of the end is also my beginning) and my time will come once that has come to pass. Unless I'm no longer bound by such things... and then. I'm still unused to living without that purpose, though as that person said, to live by Her wishes and strictly for Her, to bring fulfillment to humans, in other ways. It is not my goal to bring sadness-- only change.
But somehow... With that part of me-- since we are now as we are... more or less, have I not become a part of him? With all our memories... perhaps I should just relay what I have gained and put my trust in him to take care of such things. I have found... time and time again, I am ill-equipped to live outside of those circumstances.
Having what they call a home... what they call friends... these relationships are very dear to me. I've never imagined such happiness could exist-- much less be my own. I almost feel as if I still do not deserve it-- or should not have it; such things... make one's role harder to fulfill, she would likely say. Selfishness.
And I've been told, time and again, that this selfishness... is okay. Appropriate. Encouraged-- or not selfishness at all. I've somehow strayed from my point. Even if... I don't think I had a point in the beginning of all this. Perhaps it's just in my mind. If I am to be existing this way, I must not allow these sorts of things to interfere. I must change. I must become a new self-- and die again, perhaps. I have already died once or twice before. It's... difficult to define whether or not the second was mine-- or his. The third cycle... has possibly already started. So... I should not fear this change.
I feel as if what has come to pass was ordained. Maybe even She is... all right with it. My self in the past has died once more. I'm happy and... all right with being so. I care for all of them... very deeply. I cannot forget all this. Even if I am incomplete, and the day may come when I will need to die, maybe a fourth time, or a fifth, I can let this 'life' take me where it may.
I just hope that in all of this... that part of me-- he... can bear it as well. Nothing that I have is completely my own, yet this is something I must do for myself. No one else can live this but me.