(no subject)
Tony had waited until it seemed like the church was empty. He didn't want to be overheard. He didn't want to admit to anyone else just how much he had going through his head. It was hard, really. He felt his stomach tying in knots at the thought of doing this. When he was so unsure. So scared that God wasn't even capable of being on an island like this. He'd tried in the beginning, but now things just seemed a muddled mess, and he didn't know what was real and what wasn't.
Still, he had sat in a pew, waiting, and finally, knelt down, interlacing his fingers the way he'd always been taught to, and staring at his hands as he spoke.
"Uh... hey." What a lame start. "It's... It's me. You know, DiNozzo Junior? I know I haven't tried talking to You in a while." He snorted, shaking his head. "A long while. It's hard to know if I even can here... You're supposed to be everywhere. So can You hear me? Even in other worlds? Universes? Or is just a Milky Way Galaxy kind of thing?"
He swallowed, giving a nervous laugh. "They don't really cover that in Sunday School, huh?" Rubbing his forehead, he let out a long sigh. It had been too long since he'd done this.
"I wish You'd show me, you know?" His voice sounded slightly painful, desperate, even. "That Atia can't block out everything from home. That she can't... block You out." His voice began to pick up speed, out of nerves or a need to get it all out, he couldn't place which. "I know I'm not the best Catholic in the world. Mass kind of took a back seat to more exciting things. But - but I don't want that to mean we can't be on good terms. That You won't listen to me just 'cause I stopped doing my Hail Marys and Our Fathers..." He swallowed, his hands shaking lightly as he closed his eyes. "I need You. I need... someone. Someone who can listen. Who I don't keep secrets from." His voice went slightly lower, his head bowing. "Can't keep secrets from."
He could feel his eyes burning, his throat tightening, and he did everything in his power to hold those tears back. "This place is hard. And scary. And confusing. How can I love something so much and hate it so much at the same time? Atia gave me Tali. Ziva in a way I can't have her at home. She gave me everything I wanted - a family, something to be remembered for. Purpose. But -" His voice cracks, a small sob pulling up from him. "But I miss Gibbs. And Tim. And Dad. I miss normalcy and I miss not waking up wondering which one of my friends might have gone home while I'm sleeping. I've met so many great people but they've disappeared at the drop of a hat. Come back, not knowing who I am, how much they meant to me... I -"
There was another muffled cry that he tried to hold back, his head hanging foward. "I don't know how much more of it I can take. They say everything has a reason. A purpose. That You're in control of it all. Are You in control of this? Or is it all Atia? Is she more powerful than You?" There was an anger that started to edge into his voice, his tone more accusatory. "Why did You let it happen? Why did You let her take me here? Show me things that I've wanted so badly, even without knowing it, just to - just to rip me away from it someday? Like she ripped away Rolo and Buffy and Quinn and - and -" He shook his head, not wanting to list all the friends he'd lost. It wasn't what he worried about losing anyway. "You know as well as I do I can't keep her! I can't hold on to her! Even if I stayed here, she'd get ripped away from us, wouldn't she? Wouldn't she?!"
His fist hit the pew angrily, his eyes squeezing tightly shut as he leans his head against the edge of it. He felt another sob fighting it's way forward, but swallowed it down, his voice raw and quiet when he spoke next. "I just want to know. I want to know why this is happening. I'm doing the best I can and I try to stay optimistic, but You're not given me much hope here. No one is." No one can.
Slumping slightly, Tony unclenched his fists finally, raising his hand up to his face. He was thankful that the sobs at least came quietly this time.
Still, he had sat in a pew, waiting, and finally, knelt down, interlacing his fingers the way he'd always been taught to, and staring at his hands as he spoke.
"Uh... hey." What a lame start. "It's... It's me. You know, DiNozzo Junior? I know I haven't tried talking to You in a while." He snorted, shaking his head. "A long while. It's hard to know if I even can here... You're supposed to be everywhere. So can You hear me? Even in other worlds? Universes? Or is just a Milky Way Galaxy kind of thing?"
He swallowed, giving a nervous laugh. "They don't really cover that in Sunday School, huh?" Rubbing his forehead, he let out a long sigh. It had been too long since he'd done this.
"I wish You'd show me, you know?" His voice sounded slightly painful, desperate, even. "That Atia can't block out everything from home. That she can't... block You out." His voice began to pick up speed, out of nerves or a need to get it all out, he couldn't place which. "I know I'm not the best Catholic in the world. Mass kind of took a back seat to more exciting things. But - but I don't want that to mean we can't be on good terms. That You won't listen to me just 'cause I stopped doing my Hail Marys and Our Fathers..." He swallowed, his hands shaking lightly as he closed his eyes. "I need You. I need... someone. Someone who can listen. Who I don't keep secrets from." His voice went slightly lower, his head bowing. "Can't keep secrets from."
He could feel his eyes burning, his throat tightening, and he did everything in his power to hold those tears back. "This place is hard. And scary. And confusing. How can I love something so much and hate it so much at the same time? Atia gave me Tali. Ziva in a way I can't have her at home. She gave me everything I wanted - a family, something to be remembered for. Purpose. But -" His voice cracks, a small sob pulling up from him. "But I miss Gibbs. And Tim. And Dad. I miss normalcy and I miss not waking up wondering which one of my friends might have gone home while I'm sleeping. I've met so many great people but they've disappeared at the drop of a hat. Come back, not knowing who I am, how much they meant to me... I -"
There was another muffled cry that he tried to hold back, his head hanging foward. "I don't know how much more of it I can take. They say everything has a reason. A purpose. That You're in control of it all. Are You in control of this? Or is it all Atia? Is she more powerful than You?" There was an anger that started to edge into his voice, his tone more accusatory. "Why did You let it happen? Why did You let her take me here? Show me things that I've wanted so badly, even without knowing it, just to - just to rip me away from it someday? Like she ripped away Rolo and Buffy and Quinn and - and -" He shook his head, not wanting to list all the friends he'd lost. It wasn't what he worried about losing anyway. "You know as well as I do I can't keep her! I can't hold on to her! Even if I stayed here, she'd get ripped away from us, wouldn't she? Wouldn't she?!"
His fist hit the pew angrily, his eyes squeezing tightly shut as he leans his head against the edge of it. He felt another sob fighting it's way forward, but swallowed it down, his voice raw and quiet when he spoke next. "I just want to know. I want to know why this is happening. I'm doing the best I can and I try to stay optimistic, but You're not given me much hope here. No one is." No one can.
Slumping slightly, Tony unclenched his fists finally, raising his hand up to his face. He was thankful that the sobs at least came quietly this time.