(no subject)
Maybe I should start with sorry? I'm sorry for what I did. I really had no idea how many people cared.
well it started when mike didnt call me all day. I knew something was wrong. I get all upset and take 15 sleeping pills. I call kim and say goodbye. go to my brother's room and kiss his cheek. then i sat and watched my sister sleep. i think i just wanted to take everything in. so I started cry and eventually vomitted. the next day i went to school and cried most of the day. Everyone was worried, I just didn't see it. after school i called mike and he picked me up. he didnt talk most of the ride and i screamed and cried. when i got out of the car it was the longest walk down my drive way. getting out of the car i was walking away from the one thing that kept me balanced. I closed my front door and fell down. my mom came up and sat with me. I told her about the sleeping pills and she drove me to the E.R. they took blood to make sure my liver was okay. they told met that if I hadn't vomitted the night before I would be dead. Then my mom said the saddest thing. "It's so hard to think that I could be planning your funeral then sitting here next to you" That was the biggest eye opener ever. The rest was kind of like a dream. i was taken to friends and had to stay in the waiting room with drug addicts and lunatics all night. This guy kept walking over to me and watching me sleep and eventually grabbed me and I screamed. finally i went up stairs and got a room. i just went to sleep. i wanted it all to be a dream. it wasnt...
The next day i met my therapist and went to groups. everyone was just so nice. i became so close with everyone. they were so supportive. they just kept telling me i was beautiful and intelligent. thats all i heard all week. for the first time in my life I am starting to believe that. All my life I had this idea in my head that i was ugly and that i would get no where in life. whenever i had a boyfrend i clung to them because i thought id never find someone else. Kim, my mom, my sister, mr. riley & mike came to visit. I almost cried when i saw kim, i missed her so much. people do love me. i learned so much now.
My friends are simply amazing. everyone of you have such big hearts. Thank you for my card. Thank you for everything. You have made me realize that there is so much to live for. I miss you all so much and I love you. I am so lucky to have such awesome friends. You guys are my entire world. I'll never give up again.
As for me and michael... he is my best friend. I can get used to that eventually. I dont blame him for any of this. He honestly needs time for himself. He needs to worry about school and his future. I will continue to support him for that. It was the best 8 months of my life. Without him I would have never met shannon or mauro or his wonderful family. sure I'll miss him. our rides to the shore and the way we used to leave the windows rolled down and scream songs at the top of our lungs. Our walks at burholme after we got rita's. I'll be able to share that with other people. I just wont be able to have that same smile and the same laugh. Hopefully I'll be just as accepted in the future with a new guy's family as his family did. he was the first boy I loved with everything I had. I'm glad it was him.
When something ends something new begins.
I love you all and I'm sorry. Thank you so much for your support.