(no subject)
I'm sorry, blog, I haven't been giving you much but really depressing one-line entries as of late. Here is what is going on.
This semester has been extraordinarily intense. I began by jumping wholeheartedly into each of my classes with a bright and clear idea of what I wanted to do in each one. And from there everything has gotten fuzzy.
My museums class is going really well. I've been learning so much about the museum industry and even found out about an internship that would really suit me. I sent my application ten days ago... the McDermott curatorial internship at the Dallas Museum of Art. Sounds really fancy, right? I told my parents about it, and they encouraged the idea but told me not to get my hopes up. It's a pretty prestigious internship from what I understand, and it's open to everyone everywhere in the world. There are only two spots, so... I'm not sure when applicants are supposed to find out the results. The internship doesn't start until September. So sometime between now and then I will hopefully receive a clear yes or no.
My hybrid forms class is really daunting. We have a show going up this Saturday for which I'm supposed to provide the "lead-in piece," the thing that makes people want to enter the gallery. The juror fell in love with the crochet art that I showed him and wants me to craft something very similar for this space. Problem is, I haven't done shit about it yet. I let the deadline creep up on me. So now I have a sack of yarn that I need to turn into something beautiful FAST. It's stressing me out.
My painting class is a fucking train wreck. I'm so pissed off with myself. I have all these great materials I've just discovered, and this is supposed to be MY semester, MY time to shine, MY time to SHOW ALL THE PROFESSORS WHY THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LIKE ME FOR FUCK'S SAKE AND ALL I CAN DO IS FALL APART. I CAN'T DO SHIT. I HATE EVERYTHING I PUT ON A CANVAS AND I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. I HAVE A GALLERY TO PREPARE FOR IN JUNE AND THE ONLY PIECE OF SHIT I CAN CREATE LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT EVEN MAKING AN EFFORT TO BE CREATIVE ANYMORE.
... My professor keeps telling me that I just need to get back to painting. "Get back to painting," he says. It's like a damn mantra that he's been throwing at me all semester. "Get back to painting." I need to let go of the details and "get back to painting."
I never knew I left.
I've stressed myself out to the point of sickness again. My hair was falling out in clumps for a week or two, and last week I stayed in bed for four days straight. I think part of it was some kind of respiratory infection, but who is to say I didn't work that up psychologically or cause my immune system to fuck up with all the unnecessary stress I've saddled myself with.
I've been having all these dark thoughts that I can't push away. There is this horrible self doubt that leans against the back wall of my cranium like a rotting gourd. And every day that passes, the rest of my brain thinks, "What's that smell? Smells like rotting self doubt." Part of me just wants to graduate already. But the majority of me knows that once graduation passes it's go time. It's time to get a real person job and get my life in gear.
But that's not going to be a problem. I'm a motivated person with a decent head on my shoulders. I'm prepared for everything life can throw my way. I am confident and smart. I have a bright future. I've been planning for years, and I know exactly what to do once I don't have a structured school schedule to govern my life anymore.
It's all lies I tell myself so that I can continue to get out of bed in the morning.
It's all lies I tell myself so that I don't throw up every time I look at this worthless sack of shit in the mirror.