fic: do i dare? [beast; kikwang-centric; junkwang; pg-13]
do i dare?
beast; kikwang-centric; junkwang; pg-13; 3700
he is a nightmare that kikwang doesn’t want to shake off.
do i dare?
His heart thunders in his ears as his body wakes with a jolt and causes him to shoot upwards in a panic.
“Fuck,” Kikwang mutters, hands coming up to rub at his eyes. It’s the same nightmare as always, and Kikwang knows at this point that there’s no point in trying to go back to sleep. Crawling out of his bed, Kikwang tries to be as quiet as possible, entirely aware of his band mates.
Tears sting at the corners of his eyes and the nightmare flashes a screaming red behind his eyelids. It’s silly really, how Kikwang can be so terrified of something he doesn’t even have but this is the sixth night in a row that he’s woken up, sleep plagued by the same reoccurring dream that he replays over and over throughout the day.
Stumbling over to the kitchen, Kikwang pours himself a glass of water, a hand still scrubbing at his eyes, trying to rid himself of the sleep burning in them.
Kikwang gives a startled yelp when he feels a hand tug at his shoulder and finds himself face to face with a tired but concerned looking Junhyung.
“Junhyung,” Kikwang says, eyes blinking several times as he attempts to understand what his band mate is doing up so late. “Did I, ah, I’m so sorry if I woke you up.”
“Are you okay?” Junhyung whispers, a hand reaching up to press against Kikwang’s forehead.
“Ah, of course I am,” Kikwang lies, adding a small smile but even he knows it’s weak and tired and entirely unconvincing.
Junhyung raises an eyebrow in his direction, but doesn’t say anything. Instead he pulls Kikwang into a hug and Kikwang’s surprised but it’s a welcome comfort. Resting his head against Junhyung’s shoulder, Kikwang breathes in Junhyung’s lingering scent of citrus and closes his eyes.
“You don’t have to tell me what the nightmare’s about,” Junhyung tells him quietly, “but I know you haven’t slept properly in five days. Everyone’s going to catch on to how tired you are, you know.”
“I,” Kikwang starts, swallowing the panic that rises to clog his throat. “It’s really stupid.”
“Is it?” Junhyung mumbles and Kikwang is all too aware of how Junhyung’s lips are pressed against his head.
“Yes,” Kikwang confirms, mind racing to come up with something plausible and silly enough to get Junhyung to stop worrying about him.
“Then why don’t you tell me?”
“Oh, it’s… I let everyone down,” Kikwang whispers, and this isn’t entirely a lie, really. Kikwang actually does have nightmares about this; he actually feels the fear of disappointing Beast every time he goes on a variety show, every time he steps on a stage to perform. “I let everyone down and I screw up on stage and - ”
Junhyung is chuckling against him, laugh reverberating into Kikwang’s chest and Kikwang pulls away, eyes wide. “You’re laughing!” he cries, shocked that Junhyung would trivialise one of his greatest fears.
“Kikwang,” Junhyung says, trying to hide his snickers behind his hand. “Kikwang, you’ll never let us down. You’re so stupid sometimes, you know. I can’t believe you haven’t been sleeping because of this.”
Kikwang, still affronted, smacks Junhyung on the arm and pouts. “You’re the one who’s stupid! Is this how you comfort people, by laughing at them when they confess their feelings to you?”
Junhyung doesn’t lose his smile but he gives Kikwang’s hair a ruffle. “This is how I comfort a silly person who thinks he could ever let down anyone. You think we don’t know how hard you try, how much effort you put into everything?”
“I,” Kikwang begins, mouth opening and closing like a fish. His heart is fluttering at Junhyung’s kind words but he knows better than to let the warmth blossom onto his face. “You still suck.”
“Okay,” Junhyung agrees with a grin, before he grabs Kikwang’s hand and tugs him back toward their bedroom.
Kikwang lets himself enjoy the diving swoop of his stomach, and forgets for a moment that the nightmares have never been about letting anyone down; forgets the undulating ache of his heart every time the image of Junhyung wrapping his arms around some unknown face - a face that morphs into Hyunseung’s, Doojoon’s, Yoseob’s, Dongwoon’s, everyone who is even remotely close to Junhyung on every insecure occasion - slithers through his mind like a snake.
Sometimes Kikwang wanders off by himself, letting himself get lost in the corridors of their company building and it’s strange, really, because Kikwang probably knows the building like the back of his hand and yet he seems to always discover some hidden section he didn’t know about.
It makes him wonder, that if he can discover parts of a building like this, if Junhyung can discover Kikwang as something more than his friend, something more than his band mate but Kikwang’s always known not to hope aimlessly. He knows that if you want something you have to work hard for it and Kikwang’s too afraid to go around fighting for Junhyung.
And so Kikwang wastes time looking for something he can’t find, and trying to let go of something he can’t have.
“Why’re you always disappearing on us?” Doojoon scolds him, forcing Kikwang to shuffle over in the backseat of the car as he gets in next to him.
“What?” Kikwang laughs, and it’s genuine, really it is, because Yoon Doojoon will always make Kikwang happy, will always make Kikwang feel like everything will be okay. “I don’t disappear on you.”
“Is that why you’re sitting in the van half an hour before we actually have to leave?” Doojoon asks, eyebrow raised in something Kikwang registers as unimpressed.
“Hey, at least manager-hyung won’t be yelling at me to hurry up,” Kikwang retorts, sticking his tongue out.
Doojoon gives him a look that Kikwang can’t quite place, something caught between seriousness and sympathy, as if Doojoon knows what the clawing in his heart feels like. “You know you can tell me anything right?”
Kikwang smiles, and he doesn’t mean for it to come out so pathetic but Doojoon always catches everything. And maybe the way Doojoon is brushing aside Kikwang’s fringe is a bit too intimate to just be a friendly jester of comfort and maybe it makes Kikwang’s heart lurch to a stop.
Maybe but Kikwang can’t give any part of himself to Doojoon, and perhaps Doojoon is just confused between wanting and comforting.
There are nights when Kikwang just dances until he collapses, until his legs give out underneath him and he has to lie on the floor as he waits for the sound of his own pants to stop thundering in his ears.
There are nights when he forgets to go back to the dorm, but just lies on the floor of their practise room, every limb heavy with the weight of too much practising and endless sleepless nights.
There are nights when he is so tired, so far gone that he doesn’t dream at all.
Those are the best nights.
It’s not like Kikwang can’t see, he’s not blind but Kikwang wishes more and more often that he could just blur Junhyung out of his vision. He’s tired of seeing Junhyung flirting so openly with Doojoon on stage, tired of having to ignore the way his stomach coils into something contemptuous and twisted.
He feels terrible, watching as Junhyung playfully slaps Doojoon and Doojoon laughs, arm reaching to wrap around Junhyung’s shoulders. Perhaps they’re more perfect for each other than Kikwang and Junhyung. They probably are, he tells himself, because he certainly can’t do the same with Junhyung.
Instead Kikwang stands next to Hyunseung, who looks like he’s lost in his own head again and Kikwang doesn’t really think it through as he grabs his hand and gives it a tight squeeze. Hyunseung looks surprised for a second but he smiles sweetly at Kikwang the next, shuffling over a little closer as he laces his fingers through with Kikwang’s.
For all his vacant expressions and all his 4D-ness, Kikwang thinks Hyunseung is beautiful in a way that Junhyung will never be. And it makes him wonder why he couldn’t have just fallen for Hyunseung, saved himself so much heartache because Kikwang can see himself taking care of Hyunseung, can see himself being happy.
But even as Kikwang grins at Hyunseung, he knows exactly why it’s Junhyung and not anyone else. Hyunseung may be breath-taking but Junhyung is the one who reminds Kikwang how to breathe, who quietly pulls Kikwang closer every time Kikwang’s mind goes down the same frightening nightmare’s path.
“Why do you look so sad, Kiki?” Hyunseung whispers to him, thumb pressing soft circles against Kikwang’s hand.
And Kikwang doesn’t really know what to say but he places his head against Hyunseung’s shoulder and he hears the fans cheering go wild. “I’m not sad.”
“Are you sure?” Hyunseung asks, and he sounds more serious than usual and Kikwang just squeezes Hyunseung’s hand tighter.
“Everyone’s been awfully concerned about me lately,” Kikwang grins, rising up and looking Hyunseung in the eye. “If something was wrong, wouldn’t I tell you?”
Surprisingly, Hyunseung shakes his head. “No, you wouldn’t. You never tell us when you’re upset and just bear it all on your own.”
Kikwang can’t help but laugh and he gives Hyunseung a hug, more out of pure delight than anything else. Doojoon is saying something to the fans but Kikwang doesn’t catch a word of it. “Maybe that’s because I’m not upset.”
Hyunseung blinks at him but before he can say anything, Kikwang feels a pair of arms wrap around him and suddenly the entire band is engulfing him and Hyunseung in a hug.
Kikwang can hear the fans cheering heighten to a fevered pitch but his eyes are locked on Junhyung’s arm wrapped around him and his heart is swelling like a balloon.
“You two trying to out-cute everyone else?” Kikwang hears Doojoon laugh somewhere off to his right and he can’t help but lean into Junhyung behind him, arms pulling in Dongwoon and Hyunseung to make their little hug even tighter.
Kikwang thinks that in this very moment, it doesn’t bother him that perhaps he will never be the one for Junhyung because for all the aching in his heart, nothing makes him quite as happy as his band mates.
On the rides home from 100 Points out of 100, Kikwang always sits with his head on Yoseob’s shoulder, eyes fluttering shut as the purr of the engine becomes the only noise surrounding him.
Yoseob never says anything, a hand always loosely entangled in Kikwang’s with the occasional soft humming of lullabies Kikwang can only vaguely recall from when he was younger.
Kikwang never dreams on those rides home, and he feels like he could sleep forever if it was Yoseob by his side but the thought of never seeing Junhyung’s smile, never seeing his nose scrunch up in delight always brings Kikwang right back.
There is no one, no one at all, who makes Kikwang fall and stumble and trip the way Junhyung does and Kikwang wonders if this is enough for him to take from Junhyung.
It slips out when Dongwoon catches him as he’s trying to rush out of their dorm, tears falling down his face faster than he can wipe away. He’s never let himself cry over Junhyung yet, not once but Kikwang hasn’t slept properly for months, and he’d screwed up the choreography when they’d been practising last night - Doojoon’s scolding ringing in his ears like a bell - and now Junhyung was sitting with Yoseob in his lap, giggling away and Kikwang can only take so much.
“Hyung,” Dongwoon says cheerily as Kikwang brushes past him and Dongwoon’s mood spoils immediately as he catches Kikwang by the arm.
It’s the concern in his voice that stop Kikwang because his dongsaeng shouldn’t be the one worrying over him. “Hyung, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fine,” Kikwang chokes on the words, desperately trying to stop the sobs, a hand shaking as it brushes aside tears.
“But you’re crying. Hyung, what’s wrong? Did someone say something? You can tell me -”
Kikwang has to snatch his arm away from Dongwoon and he looks up at the taller boy and snaps, “Tell you what! That I can’t stand to be in love with Junhyung anymore?!”
And he shoves past Dongwoon, doesn’t even know where he’s going but he can’t be in the dorm right now and their schedule isn’t until late anyways, so it’s not like he’ll be missed.
Sometimes Kikwang wonders how he got himself into this mess in the first place. He wonders why his heart had to skip a beat the first time Junhyung had wrapped him up in a hug, had made Kikwang dream of all the impossibilities between them.
Junhyung has a bit of a habit to just slide into a seat next to Kikwang and throw an arm around Kikwang’s shoulders and Kikwang has a bit of a habit of enjoying this far too much.
“Have you been sleeping okay?” Junhyung asks him, his phone in his other hand as he scrolls through some web page.
Kikwang smiles at Junhyung, always charmed by the concern his hyung shows him. “Of course, hyung,” he answers, unconsciously leaning into Junhyung a little more than necessary but Junhyung doesn’t seem to mind, his hand pressing against Kikwang’s shoulder a bit protectively.
Junhyung turns away from his phone to look at Kikwang then, and the look on his face is a bit amused, a bit indulgent and he leans in and places a small kiss against Kikwang’s forehead. Kikwang’s heart stutters to a stop, cheeks burning with embarrassment and he has to internally convince himself that this is nothing more than a friendly gesture. Nothing more and God, why couldn’t it be more? Why?
“You’re a terrible liar,” Junhyung whispers to him, catching Kikwang off-guard.
“I am?”
“Yeah,” and Junhyung’s voice is so soft, Kikwang can barely hear it and he wishes that he could have Junhyung to himself forever, could rest his head in the crook of Junhyung’s neck and worry about nothing.
“What are the nightmares really about, Kikwang?” Junhyung asks, voice utterly calm and expectant and Kikwang wonders how Junhyung manages to weave him so easily into a web of complacency.
“I told you what they’re about, hyung…” Kikwang trails, moving away from Junhyung because this isn’t a conversation he needs to have. Or wants to, for that matter.
“And I pretended to believe you,” Junhyung responds, leaning forward in his seat, determined expression taking over his features.
Kikwang blanches, hopes furiously that another Beast member will pop into the living room at any second now but nothing. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Sighing, Junhyung reaches a hand out to press against Kikwang’s arm but Kikwang gets up before the hand can make contact. He doesn’t know what more to say, just that he needs to get away, needs to get out of this room and away from Junhyung before the shaky foundations he does have crumble entirely.
Before Junhyung can say anything, eyes still wide from Kikwang’s cold behaviour - and it is rather cold but Kikwang doesn’t have any more cards to play, just the few he’s clutching in his hands and he can’t afford to lose them too. He tries to rush past Junhyung out of the room, heart already drumming too fast but Junhyung catches him by the arm and he’s far stronger than Kikwang’s always thought.
“Why can’t you just tell me!” Junhyung cries, and he sounds a little desperate and this is new, this is entirely new.
Kikwang finds the words lodged in the back of his throat, chokes on air and he struggles to yank his arm away but Junhyung isn’t about to give in. It’s messy as they push and shove and pull and Kikwang finds himself tripping over his own feet, dragging Junhyung down with him. They hit the floor with a thud, Kikwang underneath Junhyung, a keening pain shooting through his shoulder as it connects with the hardwood.
“Fuck, are you okay?” Junhyung asks immediately and all Kikwang’s brain can think in that moment is how Junhyung is right on top of him, looking down at him with the same concern he gave Kikwang the first time he asked about the nightmares.
He knows he’s wincing, the pain in his shoulder dulling down to a withering pulse but Kikwang thinks that’s because his brain is a little preoccupied and he nods a bit dumbly, staring up at Junhyung.
Everyone else’s faces flash through his mind and Kikwang thinks of how he could have fallen in love with any of them. With Doojoon’s patience, Yoseob’s tenderness, Hyunseung’s radiance, Dongwoon’s kindness but here he is, under Junhyung’s spell, just falling, falling, gone.
Junhyung doesn’t look convinced but he gets up and Kikwang is about to follow when he realises that Junhyung’s just chosen to sit on top of him rather than get up entirely. He blinks at Junhyung who is perched on top of Kikwang like a bird, eyes hard and unwavering. “You have to tell me.”
Kikwang falls back to the floor, forgetting the ache in his shoulder and stares up at Junhyung sullenly. “Tell you what exactly, Junhyung? What is it that you want to hear?”
“Why it’s my name on your lips when you cry at night,” Junhyung answers and his voice cracks as he says it, a hand fisting into Kikwang’s shirt. But Kikwang’s heart has stopped entirely and he swallows, unable to break eye contact with this vulture that’s looming over him. Perhaps if Kikwang just gives in, it'll stop peck, peck, pecking at his heart too.
“What?” he croaks, mouth dry and eyes wide. What the fuck has he been mumbling in his sleep?!
Junhyung watches him, and he inches forward, looks a little bit terrified as he licks his lips. “Dongwoon told me…told me that you… And you’ve been mumbling my name but I didn’t… You’re always the same with me as you are with everyone else so I… Just tell me, please? Please?”
Kikwang’s entire body wants him to shove Junhyung off of him and run, run until his lungs burn out and his legs can’t carry him one step further but he’s frozen on the floor. And apparently this is like some dam being broken in Kikwang’s mouth as words start rushing out, stumbling over each other to fill the silence of the room. “I like you, I, no, I love you, I love you so much it hurts to breath and I can’t even stand the thought of losing you and you’re not even mine. You’re not mine so I can’t, I can’t - How can I be so terrified of losing you when you’re not mine? How can I forget to sleep because all I can dream about is you leaving me for someone else when you’re not even mine?”
Tears run down his cheeks, fall uncomfortably against his ears as he rubs his hands against his eyes to wipe them away, sobs wracking through his body. He must look so pathetic, so utterly wretched but he can’t help it at all. “How? How Junhyung? How can I love someone so much that I can’t even stand to see someone else touch them? Can’t even bear the thought of them choosing someone else over me?”
Kikwang’s hardly in his right mind anymore, hardly able to hear his own voice over his crying but Junhyung is pushing away his hands, wiping away at the tears that Kikwang can’t stop. There is so much uncertainty in his eyes but Junhyung leans down and kisses Kikwang ever so softly anyways. Kikwang barely feels the press of lips against his own, mind already exhausted and body following suit as the tiredness sinks into his bones.
“Shhh,” Junhyung whispers, presses small kisses all over Kikwang’s face, as if trying to swallow away his fear and Kikwang’s sobs are stuttering snivels now. “It’s okay, Kiki, it’s okay.”
Kikwang has nothing more to say but he wraps his arms around Junhyung desperately, wants to make sure the other boy knows exactly how much his heart aches and aches for him.
Junhyung lets Kikwang hold him, murmurs soft nothings in his ears as Kikwang calms down. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I won’t leave you; I’ll never leave you.”
When the room finally falls silent, and it’s just Junhyung’s low voice in his ear, persistently promising Kikwang things that Kikwang can’t quite believe, Kikwang lets go. Let’s Junhyung pull away far enough that he can look Kikwang in the eye.
“I’m sorry,” Kikwang rasps and he doesn’t quite know what he’s apologising for but he can only imagine how this feels for Junhyung.
“For what?” Junhyung asks, brushing aside Kikwang’s fringe and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You could have just told me, you know.”
“I was just, I didn’t think you’d ever…”
“Like you back?” Junhyung smiles and it’s soft and pleasant and exactly why Kikwang loves him.
Kikwang nods his head, feels the urge to brush aside Junhyung’s hair so he can just stare at how beautiful he is but Junhyung’s smile distracts him entirely. “And why wouldn’t I? I think Kikwang is beautiful.”
“Oh…”
“But, but we should take this slow, okay? I don’t think I’m on the same page as you yet,” Junhyung tells him, getting off of Kikwang and pulling him up.
“Really?” Kikwang breaths because he didn’t even imagine this in his wildest dreams, didn’t ever let himself get so lost that he started dreaming of a Junhyung who wanted him back.
“Really,” Junhyung says, slow and steady and he presses another soft kiss against Kikwang’s lips.
He can’t help the blinding smile that reaches all the way to his disappearing eyes and he feels like crying for an entirely different reason now.
Junhyung grins right back, pulls him into a hug and just holds him and Kikwang thinks that he will never get tired of these arms wrapping up around him.
- so, i realise this is a bit disjointed and maybe a little wonky but i think this fic was kind of supposed to be like this? lol. idk.
- i hope you all enjoyed nonetheless and as always, your comments are greatly appreciated. ♥
beast; kikwang-centric; junkwang; pg-13; 3700
he is a nightmare that kikwang doesn’t want to shake off.
do i dare?
His heart thunders in his ears as his body wakes with a jolt and causes him to shoot upwards in a panic.
“Fuck,” Kikwang mutters, hands coming up to rub at his eyes. It’s the same nightmare as always, and Kikwang knows at this point that there’s no point in trying to go back to sleep. Crawling out of his bed, Kikwang tries to be as quiet as possible, entirely aware of his band mates.
Tears sting at the corners of his eyes and the nightmare flashes a screaming red behind his eyelids. It’s silly really, how Kikwang can be so terrified of something he doesn’t even have but this is the sixth night in a row that he’s woken up, sleep plagued by the same reoccurring dream that he replays over and over throughout the day.
Stumbling over to the kitchen, Kikwang pours himself a glass of water, a hand still scrubbing at his eyes, trying to rid himself of the sleep burning in them.
Kikwang gives a startled yelp when he feels a hand tug at his shoulder and finds himself face to face with a tired but concerned looking Junhyung.
“Junhyung,” Kikwang says, eyes blinking several times as he attempts to understand what his band mate is doing up so late. “Did I, ah, I’m so sorry if I woke you up.”
“Are you okay?” Junhyung whispers, a hand reaching up to press against Kikwang’s forehead.
“Ah, of course I am,” Kikwang lies, adding a small smile but even he knows it’s weak and tired and entirely unconvincing.
Junhyung raises an eyebrow in his direction, but doesn’t say anything. Instead he pulls Kikwang into a hug and Kikwang’s surprised but it’s a welcome comfort. Resting his head against Junhyung’s shoulder, Kikwang breathes in Junhyung’s lingering scent of citrus and closes his eyes.
“You don’t have to tell me what the nightmare’s about,” Junhyung tells him quietly, “but I know you haven’t slept properly in five days. Everyone’s going to catch on to how tired you are, you know.”
“I,” Kikwang starts, swallowing the panic that rises to clog his throat. “It’s really stupid.”
“Is it?” Junhyung mumbles and Kikwang is all too aware of how Junhyung’s lips are pressed against his head.
“Yes,” Kikwang confirms, mind racing to come up with something plausible and silly enough to get Junhyung to stop worrying about him.
“Then why don’t you tell me?”
“Oh, it’s… I let everyone down,” Kikwang whispers, and this isn’t entirely a lie, really. Kikwang actually does have nightmares about this; he actually feels the fear of disappointing Beast every time he goes on a variety show, every time he steps on a stage to perform. “I let everyone down and I screw up on stage and - ”
Junhyung is chuckling against him, laugh reverberating into Kikwang’s chest and Kikwang pulls away, eyes wide. “You’re laughing!” he cries, shocked that Junhyung would trivialise one of his greatest fears.
“Kikwang,” Junhyung says, trying to hide his snickers behind his hand. “Kikwang, you’ll never let us down. You’re so stupid sometimes, you know. I can’t believe you haven’t been sleeping because of this.”
Kikwang, still affronted, smacks Junhyung on the arm and pouts. “You’re the one who’s stupid! Is this how you comfort people, by laughing at them when they confess their feelings to you?”
Junhyung doesn’t lose his smile but he gives Kikwang’s hair a ruffle. “This is how I comfort a silly person who thinks he could ever let down anyone. You think we don’t know how hard you try, how much effort you put into everything?”
“I,” Kikwang begins, mouth opening and closing like a fish. His heart is fluttering at Junhyung’s kind words but he knows better than to let the warmth blossom onto his face. “You still suck.”
“Okay,” Junhyung agrees with a grin, before he grabs Kikwang’s hand and tugs him back toward their bedroom.
Kikwang lets himself enjoy the diving swoop of his stomach, and forgets for a moment that the nightmares have never been about letting anyone down; forgets the undulating ache of his heart every time the image of Junhyung wrapping his arms around some unknown face - a face that morphs into Hyunseung’s, Doojoon’s, Yoseob’s, Dongwoon’s, everyone who is even remotely close to Junhyung on every insecure occasion - slithers through his mind like a snake.
Sometimes Kikwang wanders off by himself, letting himself get lost in the corridors of their company building and it’s strange, really, because Kikwang probably knows the building like the back of his hand and yet he seems to always discover some hidden section he didn’t know about.
It makes him wonder, that if he can discover parts of a building like this, if Junhyung can discover Kikwang as something more than his friend, something more than his band mate but Kikwang’s always known not to hope aimlessly. He knows that if you want something you have to work hard for it and Kikwang’s too afraid to go around fighting for Junhyung.
And so Kikwang wastes time looking for something he can’t find, and trying to let go of something he can’t have.
“Why’re you always disappearing on us?” Doojoon scolds him, forcing Kikwang to shuffle over in the backseat of the car as he gets in next to him.
“What?” Kikwang laughs, and it’s genuine, really it is, because Yoon Doojoon will always make Kikwang happy, will always make Kikwang feel like everything will be okay. “I don’t disappear on you.”
“Is that why you’re sitting in the van half an hour before we actually have to leave?” Doojoon asks, eyebrow raised in something Kikwang registers as unimpressed.
“Hey, at least manager-hyung won’t be yelling at me to hurry up,” Kikwang retorts, sticking his tongue out.
Doojoon gives him a look that Kikwang can’t quite place, something caught between seriousness and sympathy, as if Doojoon knows what the clawing in his heart feels like. “You know you can tell me anything right?”
Kikwang smiles, and he doesn’t mean for it to come out so pathetic but Doojoon always catches everything. And maybe the way Doojoon is brushing aside Kikwang’s fringe is a bit too intimate to just be a friendly jester of comfort and maybe it makes Kikwang’s heart lurch to a stop.
Maybe but Kikwang can’t give any part of himself to Doojoon, and perhaps Doojoon is just confused between wanting and comforting.
There are nights when Kikwang just dances until he collapses, until his legs give out underneath him and he has to lie on the floor as he waits for the sound of his own pants to stop thundering in his ears.
There are nights when he forgets to go back to the dorm, but just lies on the floor of their practise room, every limb heavy with the weight of too much practising and endless sleepless nights.
There are nights when he is so tired, so far gone that he doesn’t dream at all.
Those are the best nights.
It’s not like Kikwang can’t see, he’s not blind but Kikwang wishes more and more often that he could just blur Junhyung out of his vision. He’s tired of seeing Junhyung flirting so openly with Doojoon on stage, tired of having to ignore the way his stomach coils into something contemptuous and twisted.
He feels terrible, watching as Junhyung playfully slaps Doojoon and Doojoon laughs, arm reaching to wrap around Junhyung’s shoulders. Perhaps they’re more perfect for each other than Kikwang and Junhyung. They probably are, he tells himself, because he certainly can’t do the same with Junhyung.
Instead Kikwang stands next to Hyunseung, who looks like he’s lost in his own head again and Kikwang doesn’t really think it through as he grabs his hand and gives it a tight squeeze. Hyunseung looks surprised for a second but he smiles sweetly at Kikwang the next, shuffling over a little closer as he laces his fingers through with Kikwang’s.
For all his vacant expressions and all his 4D-ness, Kikwang thinks Hyunseung is beautiful in a way that Junhyung will never be. And it makes him wonder why he couldn’t have just fallen for Hyunseung, saved himself so much heartache because Kikwang can see himself taking care of Hyunseung, can see himself being happy.
But even as Kikwang grins at Hyunseung, he knows exactly why it’s Junhyung and not anyone else. Hyunseung may be breath-taking but Junhyung is the one who reminds Kikwang how to breathe, who quietly pulls Kikwang closer every time Kikwang’s mind goes down the same frightening nightmare’s path.
“Why do you look so sad, Kiki?” Hyunseung whispers to him, thumb pressing soft circles against Kikwang’s hand.
And Kikwang doesn’t really know what to say but he places his head against Hyunseung’s shoulder and he hears the fans cheering go wild. “I’m not sad.”
“Are you sure?” Hyunseung asks, and he sounds more serious than usual and Kikwang just squeezes Hyunseung’s hand tighter.
“Everyone’s been awfully concerned about me lately,” Kikwang grins, rising up and looking Hyunseung in the eye. “If something was wrong, wouldn’t I tell you?”
Surprisingly, Hyunseung shakes his head. “No, you wouldn’t. You never tell us when you’re upset and just bear it all on your own.”
Kikwang can’t help but laugh and he gives Hyunseung a hug, more out of pure delight than anything else. Doojoon is saying something to the fans but Kikwang doesn’t catch a word of it. “Maybe that’s because I’m not upset.”
Hyunseung blinks at him but before he can say anything, Kikwang feels a pair of arms wrap around him and suddenly the entire band is engulfing him and Hyunseung in a hug.
Kikwang can hear the fans cheering heighten to a fevered pitch but his eyes are locked on Junhyung’s arm wrapped around him and his heart is swelling like a balloon.
“You two trying to out-cute everyone else?” Kikwang hears Doojoon laugh somewhere off to his right and he can’t help but lean into Junhyung behind him, arms pulling in Dongwoon and Hyunseung to make their little hug even tighter.
Kikwang thinks that in this very moment, it doesn’t bother him that perhaps he will never be the one for Junhyung because for all the aching in his heart, nothing makes him quite as happy as his band mates.
On the rides home from 100 Points out of 100, Kikwang always sits with his head on Yoseob’s shoulder, eyes fluttering shut as the purr of the engine becomes the only noise surrounding him.
Yoseob never says anything, a hand always loosely entangled in Kikwang’s with the occasional soft humming of lullabies Kikwang can only vaguely recall from when he was younger.
Kikwang never dreams on those rides home, and he feels like he could sleep forever if it was Yoseob by his side but the thought of never seeing Junhyung’s smile, never seeing his nose scrunch up in delight always brings Kikwang right back.
There is no one, no one at all, who makes Kikwang fall and stumble and trip the way Junhyung does and Kikwang wonders if this is enough for him to take from Junhyung.
It slips out when Dongwoon catches him as he’s trying to rush out of their dorm, tears falling down his face faster than he can wipe away. He’s never let himself cry over Junhyung yet, not once but Kikwang hasn’t slept properly for months, and he’d screwed up the choreography when they’d been practising last night - Doojoon’s scolding ringing in his ears like a bell - and now Junhyung was sitting with Yoseob in his lap, giggling away and Kikwang can only take so much.
“Hyung,” Dongwoon says cheerily as Kikwang brushes past him and Dongwoon’s mood spoils immediately as he catches Kikwang by the arm.
It’s the concern in his voice that stop Kikwang because his dongsaeng shouldn’t be the one worrying over him. “Hyung, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fine,” Kikwang chokes on the words, desperately trying to stop the sobs, a hand shaking as it brushes aside tears.
“But you’re crying. Hyung, what’s wrong? Did someone say something? You can tell me -”
Kikwang has to snatch his arm away from Dongwoon and he looks up at the taller boy and snaps, “Tell you what! That I can’t stand to be in love with Junhyung anymore?!”
And he shoves past Dongwoon, doesn’t even know where he’s going but he can’t be in the dorm right now and their schedule isn’t until late anyways, so it’s not like he’ll be missed.
Sometimes Kikwang wonders how he got himself into this mess in the first place. He wonders why his heart had to skip a beat the first time Junhyung had wrapped him up in a hug, had made Kikwang dream of all the impossibilities between them.
Junhyung has a bit of a habit to just slide into a seat next to Kikwang and throw an arm around Kikwang’s shoulders and Kikwang has a bit of a habit of enjoying this far too much.
“Have you been sleeping okay?” Junhyung asks him, his phone in his other hand as he scrolls through some web page.
Kikwang smiles at Junhyung, always charmed by the concern his hyung shows him. “Of course, hyung,” he answers, unconsciously leaning into Junhyung a little more than necessary but Junhyung doesn’t seem to mind, his hand pressing against Kikwang’s shoulder a bit protectively.
Junhyung turns away from his phone to look at Kikwang then, and the look on his face is a bit amused, a bit indulgent and he leans in and places a small kiss against Kikwang’s forehead. Kikwang’s heart stutters to a stop, cheeks burning with embarrassment and he has to internally convince himself that this is nothing more than a friendly gesture. Nothing more and God, why couldn’t it be more? Why?
“You’re a terrible liar,” Junhyung whispers to him, catching Kikwang off-guard.
“I am?”
“Yeah,” and Junhyung’s voice is so soft, Kikwang can barely hear it and he wishes that he could have Junhyung to himself forever, could rest his head in the crook of Junhyung’s neck and worry about nothing.
“What are the nightmares really about, Kikwang?” Junhyung asks, voice utterly calm and expectant and Kikwang wonders how Junhyung manages to weave him so easily into a web of complacency.
“I told you what they’re about, hyung…” Kikwang trails, moving away from Junhyung because this isn’t a conversation he needs to have. Or wants to, for that matter.
“And I pretended to believe you,” Junhyung responds, leaning forward in his seat, determined expression taking over his features.
Kikwang blanches, hopes furiously that another Beast member will pop into the living room at any second now but nothing. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Sighing, Junhyung reaches a hand out to press against Kikwang’s arm but Kikwang gets up before the hand can make contact. He doesn’t know what more to say, just that he needs to get away, needs to get out of this room and away from Junhyung before the shaky foundations he does have crumble entirely.
Before Junhyung can say anything, eyes still wide from Kikwang’s cold behaviour - and it is rather cold but Kikwang doesn’t have any more cards to play, just the few he’s clutching in his hands and he can’t afford to lose them too. He tries to rush past Junhyung out of the room, heart already drumming too fast but Junhyung catches him by the arm and he’s far stronger than Kikwang’s always thought.
“Why can’t you just tell me!” Junhyung cries, and he sounds a little desperate and this is new, this is entirely new.
Kikwang finds the words lodged in the back of his throat, chokes on air and he struggles to yank his arm away but Junhyung isn’t about to give in. It’s messy as they push and shove and pull and Kikwang finds himself tripping over his own feet, dragging Junhyung down with him. They hit the floor with a thud, Kikwang underneath Junhyung, a keening pain shooting through his shoulder as it connects with the hardwood.
“Fuck, are you okay?” Junhyung asks immediately and all Kikwang’s brain can think in that moment is how Junhyung is right on top of him, looking down at him with the same concern he gave Kikwang the first time he asked about the nightmares.
He knows he’s wincing, the pain in his shoulder dulling down to a withering pulse but Kikwang thinks that’s because his brain is a little preoccupied and he nods a bit dumbly, staring up at Junhyung.
Everyone else’s faces flash through his mind and Kikwang thinks of how he could have fallen in love with any of them. With Doojoon’s patience, Yoseob’s tenderness, Hyunseung’s radiance, Dongwoon’s kindness but here he is, under Junhyung’s spell, just falling, falling, gone.
Junhyung doesn’t look convinced but he gets up and Kikwang is about to follow when he realises that Junhyung’s just chosen to sit on top of him rather than get up entirely. He blinks at Junhyung who is perched on top of Kikwang like a bird, eyes hard and unwavering. “You have to tell me.”
Kikwang falls back to the floor, forgetting the ache in his shoulder and stares up at Junhyung sullenly. “Tell you what exactly, Junhyung? What is it that you want to hear?”
“Why it’s my name on your lips when you cry at night,” Junhyung answers and his voice cracks as he says it, a hand fisting into Kikwang’s shirt. But Kikwang’s heart has stopped entirely and he swallows, unable to break eye contact with this vulture that’s looming over him. Perhaps if Kikwang just gives in, it'll stop peck, peck, pecking at his heart too.
“What?” he croaks, mouth dry and eyes wide. What the fuck has he been mumbling in his sleep?!
Junhyung watches him, and he inches forward, looks a little bit terrified as he licks his lips. “Dongwoon told me…told me that you… And you’ve been mumbling my name but I didn’t… You’re always the same with me as you are with everyone else so I… Just tell me, please? Please?”
Kikwang’s entire body wants him to shove Junhyung off of him and run, run until his lungs burn out and his legs can’t carry him one step further but he’s frozen on the floor. And apparently this is like some dam being broken in Kikwang’s mouth as words start rushing out, stumbling over each other to fill the silence of the room. “I like you, I, no, I love you, I love you so much it hurts to breath and I can’t even stand the thought of losing you and you’re not even mine. You’re not mine so I can’t, I can’t - How can I be so terrified of losing you when you’re not mine? How can I forget to sleep because all I can dream about is you leaving me for someone else when you’re not even mine?”
Tears run down his cheeks, fall uncomfortably against his ears as he rubs his hands against his eyes to wipe them away, sobs wracking through his body. He must look so pathetic, so utterly wretched but he can’t help it at all. “How? How Junhyung? How can I love someone so much that I can’t even stand to see someone else touch them? Can’t even bear the thought of them choosing someone else over me?”
Kikwang’s hardly in his right mind anymore, hardly able to hear his own voice over his crying but Junhyung is pushing away his hands, wiping away at the tears that Kikwang can’t stop. There is so much uncertainty in his eyes but Junhyung leans down and kisses Kikwang ever so softly anyways. Kikwang barely feels the press of lips against his own, mind already exhausted and body following suit as the tiredness sinks into his bones.
“Shhh,” Junhyung whispers, presses small kisses all over Kikwang’s face, as if trying to swallow away his fear and Kikwang’s sobs are stuttering snivels now. “It’s okay, Kiki, it’s okay.”
Kikwang has nothing more to say but he wraps his arms around Junhyung desperately, wants to make sure the other boy knows exactly how much his heart aches and aches for him.
Junhyung lets Kikwang hold him, murmurs soft nothings in his ears as Kikwang calms down. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I won’t leave you; I’ll never leave you.”
When the room finally falls silent, and it’s just Junhyung’s low voice in his ear, persistently promising Kikwang things that Kikwang can’t quite believe, Kikwang lets go. Let’s Junhyung pull away far enough that he can look Kikwang in the eye.
“I’m sorry,” Kikwang rasps and he doesn’t quite know what he’s apologising for but he can only imagine how this feels for Junhyung.
“For what?” Junhyung asks, brushing aside Kikwang’s fringe and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You could have just told me, you know.”
“I was just, I didn’t think you’d ever…”
“Like you back?” Junhyung smiles and it’s soft and pleasant and exactly why Kikwang loves him.
Kikwang nods his head, feels the urge to brush aside Junhyung’s hair so he can just stare at how beautiful he is but Junhyung’s smile distracts him entirely. “And why wouldn’t I? I think Kikwang is beautiful.”
“Oh…”
“But, but we should take this slow, okay? I don’t think I’m on the same page as you yet,” Junhyung tells him, getting off of Kikwang and pulling him up.
“Really?” Kikwang breaths because he didn’t even imagine this in his wildest dreams, didn’t ever let himself get so lost that he started dreaming of a Junhyung who wanted him back.
“Really,” Junhyung says, slow and steady and he presses another soft kiss against Kikwang’s lips.
He can’t help the blinding smile that reaches all the way to his disappearing eyes and he feels like crying for an entirely different reason now.
Junhyung grins right back, pulls him into a hug and just holds him and Kikwang thinks that he will never get tired of these arms wrapping up around him.
- so, i realise this is a bit disjointed and maybe a little wonky but i think this fic was kind of supposed to be like this? lol. idk.
- i hope you all enjoyed nonetheless and as always, your comments are greatly appreciated. ♥