fic: it's all in your head [exo]
it’s all in your head
exo; yixing-centric, onesided!yixing/wu fan, wu fan/luhan; pg; 1200
yixing’s never been much good at winning. canon.
it’s all in your head
Yixing’s never been very good at asking for attention, he prefers blending into the walls, left unnoticed. It’s different from the way Luhan tucks himself away, if only because Luhan still manages to throw his arm around people and ask them to look at him. There is something that holds Yixing back.
It’s well enough, he’s only good for jokes and hoping he can make people laugh. That attention is different from the kind he wants, from the kind that cripples him and makes him curl into the sheets on his bed, throat too tight. Worse yet is that Yixing is incapable of explaining just what it is. He wants Wu Fan to look at him and just him, wishes he didn’t have to share that attention with anyone. It feels something like competing.
Yixing’s never been much good at winning.
The way Wu Fan laughs when Yixing says something particularly clueless always rattles through his bones, the vibrations slotted between his joints until his body is buzzing with something that is akin to too much hope, something that tastes like ecstasy.
“I can’t believe you sometimes,” Wu Fan grins, arm falling around Yixing’s shoulders and pulling him in. The hotel balcony looks out on Beijing, pinpoints of light blurring into the darkness that drowns the city in a single wave. Yixing likes the quite of this moment, tucks it away for himself when he will need something to hold him together.
“You always make me sound stupid,” Yixing says, nose scrunching up.
“You are definitely not stupid,” Wu Fan tells him, tone sincere. “Just a little slow.”
Yixing huffs in annoyance, shoving Wu Fan aside and pushing his weight off the railing. “You’re so rude.”
“I learn from the best,” Wu Fan grins cheekily and Yixing doesn’t have the heart to actually be upset. He rolls his eyes, turning away from him and finds Luhan standing in the doorway. His expression is curious but he smiles at Yixing all the same, stepping out onto the balcony. Yixing swallows disappointment, his time alone with Wu Fan cut short.
The things that Yixing is willing to give up to keep Luhan happy and at his side are endless. Yixing doesn’t think that most people are lucky enough to find their Luhan, to find someone who knows before you do what it is you want.
That’s why it is almost baffling when Luhan doesn’t get it. Why Yixing shrinks back and away when Wu Fan tries to pull him closer, the peculiar way Luhan’s mouth twists into something that resembles a scowl, something contemptuous.
In a single moment Yixing realises what it is that Luhan wants.
And the way his heart seems to tear away from the rest of his boy is unbearable but he doesn’t think about that. Instead, he pretends that he doesn’t want Wu Fan all to himself, steps through the balcony doors and lets Luhan enjoy Wu Fan’s gaze.
His name on Wu Fan’s lips as they call for him tastes like salt.
“You didn’t come with us today, are you okay?” Luhan asks him, brows furrowed as he presses a hand against Yixing’s forehead. There’s no fever to be found, Yixing’s sickness not something that lingered on the surface of his skin but rather something that speared itself into the tissue of his intestines, worming its way through him.
“I’m fine,” Yixing smiles, an easy enough thing to fake. He’s had practise over the years, and enough sense of mind not to reveal everything he felt in one quick go. There was always the niggling desire that someone catch on. A strange sensation Yixing couldn’t quite comprehend; the contrast of wanting to hide and yet be found always confusing.
Luhan looks suspicious but he stretches out on Yixing’s bed, grinning up at him. “I made Wu Fan buy me new shoes.”
“Oh? What did you get?” Yixing asks, something bitter churning in his chest. This is new, Yixing has never known jealousy quite like this, not tinged with regret but overshadowed by an overwhelming need to preserve.
“Just some Converse,” Luhan shrugs. “You sure you’re okay?” He’s fixed Yixing with a rather worried look and perhaps on another day, when Yixing didn’t think he would cry if he heard the wrong thing at the right time, it would matter.
“I can’t create a problem if there isn’t one, Luhan,” Yixing says with a roll of his eyes. Luhan seems to buy it, smiling at Yixing now and excitedly launching into his shopping date with Wu Fan.
It is a biting blackness, slowly unfurling and wrapping around his heart. That’s what the feeling is.
It’s an easy enough thing to do. There are the little slips in judgement when Yixing is too desperate, sometimes too comfortable and says what he knows he shouldn’t. Yixing is hardly noble, more of a coward who is incapable and crushed by his weaknesses.
He still watches Wu Fan, still lets Luhan slip into his bed late at night when loneliness gets the better of him. Yixing takes it all as best he can, tucking Luhan into his arms at night only to watch Luhan lean into Wu Fan in the morning.
For some reason it’s terribly hard to swallow.
“Do you…” Luhan starts, eyes travelling between Wu Fan’s turned back and Yixing’s face. Yixing thinks that it is an entirely awful thing for life to do, to let Luhan catch on this late.
“No,” Yixing smiles. “He’s all yours.”
Luhan only frowns.
“Why did you let me…”
“Because you liked him more.” And that’s probably a lie, Yixing’s consuming need to be all someone wants too persistent. He could hardly push it onto someone. He knows that people are thirsty for love but what Yixing wants is more than that. He wants to settle on someone’s skin until he is crawling underneath it, wants someone to obsessively categorise his every detail, wants them to carve mine into his flesh until the wound is so deep that the bleeding can’t be stopped.
“You can’t measure that,” Luhan says quietly, shifting on the bed beside Yixing.
“Of course you can,” Yixing replies, fingers pushing through Luhan’s hair. “I want you to be happy.”
Luhan turns to look at him, expression unreadable but Yixing doesn’t allow it to unnerve him. He only smiles under the scrutiny, pushing away everything but the thought that this was not Luhan’s fault.
It was Yixing’s.
Yixing never believes Wu Fan when he tells him he’s important. Only smiles and nods along because he was not important enough and if he was incapable of holding Wu Fan’s attention long enough that Wu Fan could have given Yixing everything it was that he needed, then Yixing deserves nothing at all.
Perhaps it’s a silly thing to dream, to think that one day someone could understand the edge of what it is that is cutting into him, is always cutting into him. Luhan likes to tell Yixing that he understands being wanted that badly but Yixing knows better than to believe in that.
No one quite understands. Yixing barely understands himself and it isn’t as though he can explain it in any terms that didn’t require him taking Wu Fan away. You can’t trap people into boxes, Yixing’s learned.
You don’t always get what you want.
Or who.
-thankyou for reading
exo; yixing-centric, onesided!yixing/wu fan, wu fan/luhan; pg; 1200
yixing’s never been much good at winning. canon.
it’s all in your head
Yixing’s never been very good at asking for attention, he prefers blending into the walls, left unnoticed. It’s different from the way Luhan tucks himself away, if only because Luhan still manages to throw his arm around people and ask them to look at him. There is something that holds Yixing back.
It’s well enough, he’s only good for jokes and hoping he can make people laugh. That attention is different from the kind he wants, from the kind that cripples him and makes him curl into the sheets on his bed, throat too tight. Worse yet is that Yixing is incapable of explaining just what it is. He wants Wu Fan to look at him and just him, wishes he didn’t have to share that attention with anyone. It feels something like competing.
Yixing’s never been much good at winning.
The way Wu Fan laughs when Yixing says something particularly clueless always rattles through his bones, the vibrations slotted between his joints until his body is buzzing with something that is akin to too much hope, something that tastes like ecstasy.
“I can’t believe you sometimes,” Wu Fan grins, arm falling around Yixing’s shoulders and pulling him in. The hotel balcony looks out on Beijing, pinpoints of light blurring into the darkness that drowns the city in a single wave. Yixing likes the quite of this moment, tucks it away for himself when he will need something to hold him together.
“You always make me sound stupid,” Yixing says, nose scrunching up.
“You are definitely not stupid,” Wu Fan tells him, tone sincere. “Just a little slow.”
Yixing huffs in annoyance, shoving Wu Fan aside and pushing his weight off the railing. “You’re so rude.”
“I learn from the best,” Wu Fan grins cheekily and Yixing doesn’t have the heart to actually be upset. He rolls his eyes, turning away from him and finds Luhan standing in the doorway. His expression is curious but he smiles at Yixing all the same, stepping out onto the balcony. Yixing swallows disappointment, his time alone with Wu Fan cut short.
The things that Yixing is willing to give up to keep Luhan happy and at his side are endless. Yixing doesn’t think that most people are lucky enough to find their Luhan, to find someone who knows before you do what it is you want.
That’s why it is almost baffling when Luhan doesn’t get it. Why Yixing shrinks back and away when Wu Fan tries to pull him closer, the peculiar way Luhan’s mouth twists into something that resembles a scowl, something contemptuous.
In a single moment Yixing realises what it is that Luhan wants.
And the way his heart seems to tear away from the rest of his boy is unbearable but he doesn’t think about that. Instead, he pretends that he doesn’t want Wu Fan all to himself, steps through the balcony doors and lets Luhan enjoy Wu Fan’s gaze.
His name on Wu Fan’s lips as they call for him tastes like salt.
“You didn’t come with us today, are you okay?” Luhan asks him, brows furrowed as he presses a hand against Yixing’s forehead. There’s no fever to be found, Yixing’s sickness not something that lingered on the surface of his skin but rather something that speared itself into the tissue of his intestines, worming its way through him.
“I’m fine,” Yixing smiles, an easy enough thing to fake. He’s had practise over the years, and enough sense of mind not to reveal everything he felt in one quick go. There was always the niggling desire that someone catch on. A strange sensation Yixing couldn’t quite comprehend; the contrast of wanting to hide and yet be found always confusing.
Luhan looks suspicious but he stretches out on Yixing’s bed, grinning up at him. “I made Wu Fan buy me new shoes.”
“Oh? What did you get?” Yixing asks, something bitter churning in his chest. This is new, Yixing has never known jealousy quite like this, not tinged with regret but overshadowed by an overwhelming need to preserve.
“Just some Converse,” Luhan shrugs. “You sure you’re okay?” He’s fixed Yixing with a rather worried look and perhaps on another day, when Yixing didn’t think he would cry if he heard the wrong thing at the right time, it would matter.
“I can’t create a problem if there isn’t one, Luhan,” Yixing says with a roll of his eyes. Luhan seems to buy it, smiling at Yixing now and excitedly launching into his shopping date with Wu Fan.
It is a biting blackness, slowly unfurling and wrapping around his heart. That’s what the feeling is.
It’s an easy enough thing to do. There are the little slips in judgement when Yixing is too desperate, sometimes too comfortable and says what he knows he shouldn’t. Yixing is hardly noble, more of a coward who is incapable and crushed by his weaknesses.
He still watches Wu Fan, still lets Luhan slip into his bed late at night when loneliness gets the better of him. Yixing takes it all as best he can, tucking Luhan into his arms at night only to watch Luhan lean into Wu Fan in the morning.
For some reason it’s terribly hard to swallow.
“Do you…” Luhan starts, eyes travelling between Wu Fan’s turned back and Yixing’s face. Yixing thinks that it is an entirely awful thing for life to do, to let Luhan catch on this late.
“No,” Yixing smiles. “He’s all yours.”
Luhan only frowns.
“Why did you let me…”
“Because you liked him more.” And that’s probably a lie, Yixing’s consuming need to be all someone wants too persistent. He could hardly push it onto someone. He knows that people are thirsty for love but what Yixing wants is more than that. He wants to settle on someone’s skin until he is crawling underneath it, wants someone to obsessively categorise his every detail, wants them to carve mine into his flesh until the wound is so deep that the bleeding can’t be stopped.
“You can’t measure that,” Luhan says quietly, shifting on the bed beside Yixing.
“Of course you can,” Yixing replies, fingers pushing through Luhan’s hair. “I want you to be happy.”
Luhan turns to look at him, expression unreadable but Yixing doesn’t allow it to unnerve him. He only smiles under the scrutiny, pushing away everything but the thought that this was not Luhan’s fault.
It was Yixing’s.
Yixing never believes Wu Fan when he tells him he’s important. Only smiles and nods along because he was not important enough and if he was incapable of holding Wu Fan’s attention long enough that Wu Fan could have given Yixing everything it was that he needed, then Yixing deserves nothing at all.
Perhaps it’s a silly thing to dream, to think that one day someone could understand the edge of what it is that is cutting into him, is always cutting into him. Luhan likes to tell Yixing that he understands being wanted that badly but Yixing knows better than to believe in that.
No one quite understands. Yixing barely understands himself and it isn’t as though he can explain it in any terms that didn’t require him taking Wu Fan away. You can’t trap people into boxes, Yixing’s learned.
You don’t always get what you want.
Or who.
-thankyou for reading