(no subject)
Maybe this is more for my documentation for anything else.
Maybe you'll never even read this.
But it's important to me...
{ And, maybe it's selfish,
but at this point in my life,
losing what I've lost,
the only thing about which I am completely sure:
is me. }
~~~
Danielle,
A few days ago, I wrote you a letter (Yes, which I ran by Bandla... but I'm not sorry about that.) addressing how much I love you and all the things you've done for me -- but how I've also come to the point where I can recognize both your flaws and your ill-concealed disdain for me, neither of which make me all that eager to remain close friends. I really don't think that sending that letter is necessary at this point; I'm going to try to keep things more mature and productive than trading rants and laundry lists of one another's negative qualities. If this is really going to be the last time I have your attention, then I'm not going to let emotion cloud my angry words; you mean(t) more to me than that.
~~~
I am really surprised by your letter, and a definitely bit let down, but not all that hurt. Honestly?, and this will sound more heat-of-the-moment than intended but I promise that it comes from a good place, I feel weirdly relieved. (I truly thought this fall-out was going to be much worse, but it seems like we're on the same page, just like we always have been.. if perhaps for the last time.)
I truly don't think that it is in either of our best interests to be close friends anymore, and I haven't thought that for awhile now, but don't let that fool you. -- I do fucking love you, Danielle. Even if you hate every fiber of my being, I fucking love you. & When I say the following, know that I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, and I'm not even embellishing. -- You are a beautiful, crazy, strong, smart, amazing girl, and I am incredibly grateful that I got to giggle with you and gossip with you and sing with you and laugh with you for as many years as I did.
I do I love you, you're my sister, and maybe I do hate you at times, and maybe you hate me indefinitely, and maybe we won't talk very frequently for a few years, and maybe you'll glare daggers at me for these next few months, but I think I can handle that. // I honestly think it's a small price to pay for the coolest friendship I've ever had, and thus I have no reason to feel anything but relief and justice and even a little sentiment. ((e.g. I will miss seeing you and hearing your sarcastic comments and your voice in chorus, even if I won't miss partaking in our fights and disagreements. I will miss your big, artsy handwriting and your ability to make *anything* seems like it matches. I will miss laughing so hard in class that the teacher kicks us out temporarily (Bio), or threatens to kick us out permanently (Music Theory). I will miss phone calls at 3:00 a.m. and cracking up until my eyes blind themselves with tears. I will miss looking at your latest photography and the gorgeous view of the river from your living room. I will miss your mom and your fish and the neon color of your wall paint. I will miss so much about you, and I feel a little privileged to be able to pass on such a gift of a person, of a former best friend, to become someone else's new best friend. Whoever this may be, they are very lucky and certainly have TONS of fun ahead of them, the kind that only a best friend will be able to appreciate.)
~~~
Also:
Please don't think that you can't talk to me or ask of me anything, in these next few weeks. We have through too much for me to maintain that sort of rancor; I just think we're both beyond it. -- There should be no (or at least, minimal) awkwardness if you want to give something back, ask for a last favor, retrieve something of yours, ask for a ride, anything. -- Like I said, I still care about you very much, and the last thing I want to do is spite or sabotage you. I have no desire to seek revenge, no matter what has happened.
You are not /////, you did not break my heart into a million little pieces; You are not /////, you did not toy with my head and deem everyone else's company superior to mine; no, if anything, you have done the opposite AND took the brunt of my hormone-fueled reactions, enduring my break downs when such trivial-in-the-course-of-a-lifetime boys affected me. // Yeah, you were no saint, but you were very good to me the vast majority of the time, and I appreciate that more than you may ever realize.
& Before you say it: No, I was no saint either, (not by a long shot.) But I'm not quite the villain you've made me out to be; or at least I think to think not.
Regardless, I'm here if you ever need anything.
...
(But I know you won't take me up on that. // You're too proud, I get that, and I still love that about you.)
"I hope you're happy,
now that you're choosing this.
I hope it brings you bliss.
I really hope you get it,
and you don' t live to regret it.
I hope you're happy in the end.
I hope you're happy,
{ my friend. }
~ Liz
~~~