I was just about to go to sleep, and I realized that I never use my journals for what I want to use them for. Discourse. Venting through the never-ending sequence of internal discussions I have
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admittedly i didn't read that all. dude. it's 6am. probably read it all later :-)
i don't think about my death. pretty much ever. the thought of the death of my loved ones scares me almost every day though. sometimes so much i forget to breath, then hyperventilate. errr. frightening.
but i do know (from close sources.. my grandpa) that no matter how religious you are (or aren't) when something happens that makes you think you'll die.. you get freaked. he said you have no idea the thoughts that go thru your head.
heh, yeah...thatmikeguyDecember 29 2004, 18:50:22 UTC
Next time I'll write about cookies.
:)
I'm sure I would get freaked out with a near death experience... probably in a good way though. Generally I just think you only fear any of it because you value what you are losing so much, despite the fact that you still have everything you ever had, because memories and expectations are all you really ever have. That paragraph was pretty far down though... you probably didn't wade through it that far ;)
I think I have a more zen approach to death than a lot of people, myself. I don't get upset about the death itself unless it was forced on the person by the decisions of another person (i.e. murder), but I grieve for the loss of immediate contact with that person. As for my own death, I only worry that I might not have time to say what I need to to the people I love before I go. I had one near-death experience (my heart was in fibrillation and I was only breathing about once every 30 seconds or so, if that) and from that understood how much the dynamic that is me is a persistent one due to my own choosing to remain so, and that I am here with my body largely as an act of will. I had a pretty decent glimpse of what I was aiming for, and although at the moment when I understood I might be dying I felt terribly alone, I could see beyond the loneliness to something absolutely fascinating beyond that was infinitely comforting. I fought to keep my body going, and the only reason I did was because of the continued work of one nurse who kept
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Hadn't heard that before. Yeah, that kind of thing has a pretty major influence on your mentality on the subject I'm sure. Sounds like you came out of it with some ambivalence as well though. Some fear, some comfort, overall acceptance of it's reality.
I like long replies. I actually have some time to read and type this week :) Of course, that will probably end next week, but it's good for the moment.
Re: wow...athenah2so4December 30 2004, 03:46:30 UTC
The comfort and acceptance are stronger than the fear, luckily...and it also made me realise that the only thing that matters enough to transcend death is love, whether personal or impersonal. I also got a very clear idea of how we may appear to be very small in the universe, but are ultimately so much a part of it that we each are infinite in all directions and that the self is more a place and a dynamic than a thing. It's very hard to describe what I "saw", but imagine suddenly seeing yourself as both discrete and ultimately diffuse at the same time. In some ways I think a lot of people would benefit from having a near-death experience, but it's a tad risky to recommend. :) The experience obviously didn't make me continuously serene or well-adjusted afterward, but it changed me in ways that I think have helped me to become a better and healthier person. I think it may have helped me become very zen; it's okay to not be okay because everything is ultimately okay and you'll eventually get there or maybe not. :)
Re: wow...thatmikeguyDecember 30 2004, 07:25:49 UTC
Yeah, a lot of this is in the next one I'm typing up. I went on even more of a ramble last night when I was talking about this. Mainly the simultaneous reality of us being infantessimal (sp?) and all encompassing/omnipresent (two similar concepts, which seem to meet on the other side of understanding ;) ).
I definitely feel like we would probably all benefit from a near-death experience... although I think that may be like taking a peek at the end of the book. It may be just better to learn to appreciate the mystery, and not have such weighted expectations... just enjoy the ride :)
Re: one thingthatmikeguyDecember 30 2004, 07:28:55 UTC
Heh... yeah, I just replied to Athena about the iota aspect. I had written a bunch more on that aspect last night but chopped it into another seperate entry, which I'm still typing on.
The web aspect is a good point. Every action has far-reaching effects. We all have a lot more of an effect on the universe than we probably realize. And yes, I hope I have an effect, and a positive one, on emma. She's cute, did I mention that ;)
I was so cranky back east, and then that tsunami happened and it did kind of put things in perspective. Still, the plane ride back was so hateful and the hours stretched out before me colossal, solid chunks of time. I would freak myself out when I felt like complaining about the plane because there was a very quick way for it to be over and I couldn't help but feel like I was jeapardizing my life by wanting the trip to be done already...Isn't that weird? It's like freaking out about ghosts in my house after seeing a scary movie. I had lived there for so many years, but only now the ghosts would show up because I had seen a movie full of spookyness...Doesn't make a lick o'sense, but that's the way my mind works sometimes
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and I was listening to Joe Frank and he had this whole thing about death that cracked me up, in a kind of sardonic way...A thought I had had before but he said it so perfectly...just changing the perspective and realizing that each person thinks of themselves the same way I do, I am the main character in my story, and everyone feels that important in their life to themselves. Just to think that over 100,000 people just died who felt as individual and important in their own story as I do in mine! And about how your last thoughts are when your alive and you won't experience death, because you'll be dead People around you can say, "oh look he's dead." They experience it, but you don't. I guess that sounds morbid but it's also the way he says it. OK i shut up now.
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i don't think about my death. pretty much ever. the thought of the death of my loved ones scares me almost every day though. sometimes so much i forget to breath, then hyperventilate. errr. frightening.
but i do know (from close sources.. my grandpa) that no matter how religious you are (or aren't) when something happens that makes you think you'll die.. you get freaked. he said you have no idea the thoughts that go thru your head.
okay. great. loooovely subject ;-/
i need cookies.
Reply
:)
I'm sure I would get freaked out with a near death experience... probably in a good way though. Generally I just think you only fear any of it because you value what you are losing so much, despite the fact that you still have everything you ever had, because memories and expectations are all you really ever have. That paragraph was pretty far down though... you probably didn't wade through it that far ;)
Again, I'll stick to cookies next time though.
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I like long replies. I actually have some time to read and type this week :) Of course, that will probably end next week, but it's good for the moment.
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The experience obviously didn't make me continuously serene or well-adjusted afterward, but it changed me in ways that I think have helped me to become a better and healthier person. I think it may have helped me become very zen; it's okay to not be okay because everything is ultimately okay and you'll eventually get there or maybe not. :)
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I definitely feel like we would probably all benefit from a near-death experience... although I think that may be like taking a peek at the end of the book. It may be just better to learn to appreciate the mystery, and not have such weighted expectations... just enjoy the ride :)
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The web aspect is a good point. Every action has far-reaching effects. We all have a lot more of an effect on the universe than we probably realize. And yes, I hope I have an effect, and a positive one, on emma. She's cute, did I mention that ;)
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