OOC ||| History
Note: Please take into account that this is designed to be a very brief introduction to Australia for the purposes of online roleplaying. It is not an in depth study, or anything even close to one. Therefor, there are some events I have glossed over or not mentioned, and I'm sorry for that. In ten years time, when I sit down to write my book explaining Australian history in mind breaking detail, I will write more than one Livejournal entry. I promise.
For a long time, Australia was an island continent in the South with little to no contact with anyone else. His inhabitants included the Aboriginies, all belonging to different tribes and often considering people of far off tribes foreigners. He wasn't a unified country and doesn't quite remember when he- as himself- actually started to exist. His sister New Zealand lived across the Tasman Sea, but they saw very little of each other, likewise for the other island countries to the North. He lived on his own, quietly content in his land, despite his lonlieness. Because his people were so divided and he spent most of his time skipping from tribe to tribe, coast to coast, keeping to himself.
In 1644, the Netherlands discovered Australia and named him New Holland. Though they got on well, and New Holland was thrilled to have another country to hang out with, the Netherlands didn't do much with him, beyond mapping much of the coast with Portugal, but that was still the name recognised by the rest of the world. New Holland followed him around while he explored, not understanding what he was up to but happy to show him the way to water whenever he was needed.
By 1788 the Netherlands had pretty much finished with New Holland and England showed up, needing a new place to dump his convicts after America declared independence. England settled himself on the East coast and Australia was split in two between New Holland in the West and New South Wales in the East. In 1826, England claimed New Holland as well, and eventually set up the Swan River colony there. All in all, England owned Australia now, though he was not formally recognised by that name and was instead just a collection of the different colonies in that area. England did not recognise the Aboriginies as inhabitants of Australia- indeed they were considered barely human. He and his people killed off most of them, doing their best to eliminate them completely and he managed to almost erase them from Australia's memory.
Australia himself was thrilled to finally have so many countries to hang out with, particularly New Zealand who was a part of him and lived in his house in New South Wales until she declared independence from Australia in 1840 to become a seperate colony. England let her become a separate colony of Australiasia (as they were known at the time), and Australia put up little protest despite not really wanting her to go. Over the years since then, he has continually invited New Zealand to unify with him again, though carefully lest she think he actually misses her.
Eventually, towards the end of the 19th Century, the colonies in Australia decided it might be a good idea to become a federation and one nation. However, Western Australia and Queensland were very against the idea, fearing that they would be underrepresented in parliament due to their low populations. Western Australia was particularly against it and it was only in 1901 that all the colonies united to form The Commonwealth of Australia, causing it's personification to hit a sudden growth spurt and shoot up a few feet. Australia was still loyal to England, and England controlled much of his laws and foreign policy, but by this point England was slowly letting the chooks fly the nest, possibly having learned his lesson with America. Truth be told, Australia was pretty miffed about England's lack of interest in him, since he still loved him dearly and liked being taken care of.
In 1883, Australia had annexed the southern half of eastern New Guinea, partly to do with Germany's presence in the north and partly to do with the fact that Papua was a really cute kid. He begged England to be allowed to keep her, offering to pay for her upkeep, and she became a British protectorate and in 1902 she was placed under the authority of the Commonwealth of Australia. During World War One, he reach extended to her German territory in the North, and afterwards he was given a mandate by the League of Nations to administer her, though legally she was still a British possession. Though by today Papua New Gunea (as she's now known) is independent, she and Australia are still close.
Fast forward to World War One! Australia's first big real battle with a foreign nation! He left with honour and glory in mind, to fight for England but was quickly shocked by the harsh realities of war. This is where his disenchantment with England begins, especially as many of his and New Zealand's men died for apparently pointless reasons. Gallipoli has left a particularly harsh imprint on his memory, unlike any other battle in Australian history. It's referred to as his 'baptism in fire', his first test as a real country and his chance to see if he could measure up to England, the country who had raised him. All in all, despite the fact that the mission was a failure, it was generally agreed that Australian troops had risen to the occasion and passed their first test on the world stage.
During World War Two, England started treating Australia's troops worse and worse, insisting Australia stay in Europe to fight Germany, even as his own house was at risk from Japan's invasion. Towards the end of the war, Australia signed the Statute of Westminister, claimed he signed it in the 30s with everyone else, and did his best to take better care of his troops without England's interference. The Statute of Westminister made Australia a dominion under the crown, and on equal standing to England. The Balfour Declaration in 1926 had already established this, but the Statute of Westminister gave it formal recognition. Australia kept on fighting in the war, on the Allies side, but was much more worried about his own home front, as Japan kept advancing. There was a real threat of invasion from Japan, but with America, Australia was able to fight him off.
After World War Two, Australia became very close to America and did his best to support him in all his efforts relating to the Cold War. This included significant military support in Korea and Vietnam, and even involved having a base in the Australian desert designed for intercepting Russian radio messages. Eventually there was quite a lot of dissent over whether or not it was a good idea to have such a base in Australia- as many were worried it would be a target in the event of a nuclear war with Russia- and the Prime Minister at the time, Whitlam, was said to be considering asking the Americans to leave. Coincidentally, right as this was going on, there was a sudden “coup” in the government and Whitlam was kicked out of office by the governor-general and his opponent- Malcom Fraser- was appointed Prime Minister. The justification for this was that Whitlam refused to call for another election, since there had been one relatively recently and nothing incredibly signficant had happened to make one needed, and the governor-general was heavily criticised and retired and lived most of the rest of his life abroad. There have been rumours that the CIA encouraged the “coup” due to fears that the Australian government would stop supporting America's actions and turn towards socialism under Whitlam, but very few official investigations have occurred and most politicians deny such a thing ever happening, even ones who at the time said that was what had happened exactly.
In 1971, Australia joined the South Pacific Union, now known as the Pacific Islands Forum, where he gets to be the big brother taking care of everyone else for once. They work together to fight the effects of climate change, save East Timor from whatever crisis he happens to be facing at the time, bitch at Fiji and holding Australia back from neo-colonising all the islands and making them become one with him. This didn't stop him from suggesting they all unify together, as the Pacific Union, in 2003, and many of the islands are tempted by the idea and occasionally it pops up in discussion.
In 2007, Australia elected the leader of the Australian Labour Party, Kevin Rudd, to be Prime-Minister. Rudd is considered to be much more left-wing, progressive and diplomatic than his successors, but also to be a bit of a "smug poof". One of Rudd's first orders of business was to finally apologise to the Aboriginal population of Australia, though he has yet to do anything significant to help fix the huge divide between Indigenous and non-Indigenous Australians.
On June 23rd, 2010, the Labour party unanimously decided to replace Rudd as Prime Minister with his Deputy Julia Gillard, making her the first female Prime Minister in Australia history. There will be an election in a few months time in which Julia will be competing mainly against Tony Abbot, leader of the Liberal party and a well known conservative.
THERE WERE ALSO HUGE BUSHFIRES AND TERRIBLE FLOODS God is trying to kill Victoria and New South Wales, no lie.
---------
Australia: The Confusing Country
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of it's southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and soverign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories. Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. Though, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. Even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as it's name, and spends it's life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with results that can be imagined.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to it's burrowing behavior. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of it's burrow, with incredible force, to prevent it's collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects it's aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venemous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom) ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture, they say) whereas all the aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holliday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches.
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Alhough anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of it's back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrigated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's own country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. (Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub." to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.) Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dewllers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is airconditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings
"G'Day"
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"
"She'll be right"
"And down from Kosiosco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Airconditioning.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several lites of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
For a long time, Australia was an island continent in the South with little to no contact with anyone else. His inhabitants included the Aboriginies, all belonging to different tribes and often considering people of far off tribes foreigners. He wasn't a unified country and doesn't quite remember when he- as himself- actually started to exist. His sister New Zealand lived across the Tasman Sea, but they saw very little of each other, likewise for the other island countries to the North. He lived on his own, quietly content in his land, despite his lonlieness. Because his people were so divided and he spent most of his time skipping from tribe to tribe, coast to coast, keeping to himself.
In 1644, the Netherlands discovered Australia and named him New Holland. Though they got on well, and New Holland was thrilled to have another country to hang out with, the Netherlands didn't do much with him, beyond mapping much of the coast with Portugal, but that was still the name recognised by the rest of the world. New Holland followed him around while he explored, not understanding what he was up to but happy to show him the way to water whenever he was needed.
By 1788 the Netherlands had pretty much finished with New Holland and England showed up, needing a new place to dump his convicts after America declared independence. England settled himself on the East coast and Australia was split in two between New Holland in the West and New South Wales in the East. In 1826, England claimed New Holland as well, and eventually set up the Swan River colony there. All in all, England owned Australia now, though he was not formally recognised by that name and was instead just a collection of the different colonies in that area. England did not recognise the Aboriginies as inhabitants of Australia- indeed they were considered barely human. He and his people killed off most of them, doing their best to eliminate them completely and he managed to almost erase them from Australia's memory.
Australia himself was thrilled to finally have so many countries to hang out with, particularly New Zealand who was a part of him and lived in his house in New South Wales until she declared independence from Australia in 1840 to become a seperate colony. England let her become a separate colony of Australiasia (as they were known at the time), and Australia put up little protest despite not really wanting her to go. Over the years since then, he has continually invited New Zealand to unify with him again, though carefully lest she think he actually misses her.
Eventually, towards the end of the 19th Century, the colonies in Australia decided it might be a good idea to become a federation and one nation. However, Western Australia and Queensland were very against the idea, fearing that they would be underrepresented in parliament due to their low populations. Western Australia was particularly against it and it was only in 1901 that all the colonies united to form The Commonwealth of Australia, causing it's personification to hit a sudden growth spurt and shoot up a few feet. Australia was still loyal to England, and England controlled much of his laws and foreign policy, but by this point England was slowly letting the chooks fly the nest, possibly having learned his lesson with America. Truth be told, Australia was pretty miffed about England's lack of interest in him, since he still loved him dearly and liked being taken care of.
In 1883, Australia had annexed the southern half of eastern New Guinea, partly to do with Germany's presence in the north and partly to do with the fact that Papua was a really cute kid. He begged England to be allowed to keep her, offering to pay for her upkeep, and she became a British protectorate and in 1902 she was placed under the authority of the Commonwealth of Australia. During World War One, he reach extended to her German territory in the North, and afterwards he was given a mandate by the League of Nations to administer her, though legally she was still a British possession. Though by today Papua New Gunea (as she's now known) is independent, she and Australia are still close.
Fast forward to World War One! Australia's first big real battle with a foreign nation! He left with honour and glory in mind, to fight for England but was quickly shocked by the harsh realities of war. This is where his disenchantment with England begins, especially as many of his and New Zealand's men died for apparently pointless reasons. Gallipoli has left a particularly harsh imprint on his memory, unlike any other battle in Australian history. It's referred to as his 'baptism in fire', his first test as a real country and his chance to see if he could measure up to England, the country who had raised him. All in all, despite the fact that the mission was a failure, it was generally agreed that Australian troops had risen to the occasion and passed their first test on the world stage.
During World War Two, England started treating Australia's troops worse and worse, insisting Australia stay in Europe to fight Germany, even as his own house was at risk from Japan's invasion. Towards the end of the war, Australia signed the Statute of Westminister, claimed he signed it in the 30s with everyone else, and did his best to take better care of his troops without England's interference. The Statute of Westminister made Australia a dominion under the crown, and on equal standing to England. The Balfour Declaration in 1926 had already established this, but the Statute of Westminister gave it formal recognition. Australia kept on fighting in the war, on the Allies side, but was much more worried about his own home front, as Japan kept advancing. There was a real threat of invasion from Japan, but with America, Australia was able to fight him off.
After World War Two, Australia became very close to America and did his best to support him in all his efforts relating to the Cold War. This included significant military support in Korea and Vietnam, and even involved having a base in the Australian desert designed for intercepting Russian radio messages. Eventually there was quite a lot of dissent over whether or not it was a good idea to have such a base in Australia- as many were worried it would be a target in the event of a nuclear war with Russia- and the Prime Minister at the time, Whitlam, was said to be considering asking the Americans to leave. Coincidentally, right as this was going on, there was a sudden “coup” in the government and Whitlam was kicked out of office by the governor-general and his opponent- Malcom Fraser- was appointed Prime Minister. The justification for this was that Whitlam refused to call for another election, since there had been one relatively recently and nothing incredibly signficant had happened to make one needed, and the governor-general was heavily criticised and retired and lived most of the rest of his life abroad. There have been rumours that the CIA encouraged the “coup” due to fears that the Australian government would stop supporting America's actions and turn towards socialism under Whitlam, but very few official investigations have occurred and most politicians deny such a thing ever happening, even ones who at the time said that was what had happened exactly.
In 1971, Australia joined the South Pacific Union, now known as the Pacific Islands Forum, where he gets to be the big brother taking care of everyone else for once. They work together to fight the effects of climate change, save East Timor from whatever crisis he happens to be facing at the time, bitch at Fiji and holding Australia back from neo-colonising all the islands and making them become one with him. This didn't stop him from suggesting they all unify together, as the Pacific Union, in 2003, and many of the islands are tempted by the idea and occasionally it pops up in discussion.
In 2007, Australia elected the leader of the Australian Labour Party, Kevin Rudd, to be Prime-Minister. Rudd is considered to be much more left-wing, progressive and diplomatic than his successors, but also to be a bit of a "smug poof". One of Rudd's first orders of business was to finally apologise to the Aboriginal population of Australia, though he has yet to do anything significant to help fix the huge divide between Indigenous and non-Indigenous Australians.
On June 23rd, 2010, the Labour party unanimously decided to replace Rudd as Prime Minister with his Deputy Julia Gillard, making her the first female Prime Minister in Australia history. There will be an election in a few months time in which Julia will be competing mainly against Tony Abbot, leader of the Liberal party and a well known conservative.
THERE WERE ALSO HUGE BUSHFIRES AND TERRIBLE FLOODS God is trying to kill Victoria and New South Wales, no lie.
---------
Australia: The Confusing Country
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of it's southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and soverign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories. Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. Though, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. Even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as it's name, and spends it's life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with results that can be imagined.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to it's burrowing behavior. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of it's burrow, with incredible force, to prevent it's collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects it's aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venemous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom) ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture, they say) whereas all the aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holliday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches.
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Alhough anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of it's back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrigated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's own country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. (Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub." to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.) Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dewllers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is airconditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings
"G'Day"
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"
"She'll be right"
"And down from Kosiosco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Airconditioning.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several lites of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"