bare minimum
Tonight was actually good. You hear that? Isn't it amazing? I know that doesn't mean much to you but the thing is... I know I can be happy. If I let myself. I've just been so thoroughly convinced that my life is a waste and I'm a miserable, lost cause who won't amount to anything until I escape this town. But it's not leaving that I need... it's just addressing what I want from life and then going for it. Because as of right now I'm confused and indescisive and so horribly lost... it's like I can't even make up my mind on whether or not to take a shower in the morning, or to get out of bed or sleep in another 5 minutes... or if I'd rather go to the pool by myself or over to a friends' house. I'm sick of never knowing what I want. It really wears you down... because inevitably you waste so much time thinking about what you want to do or where you want to go that you end up doing nothing at all and before you know it you have to go to work and you wasted the day away. So really my life is just full of empty spaces that could have been used doing something productive, or hell, even something fun.. but instead I just lay in bed, watch MTV and eat. Some amazing life I live.
So what I need to do is just figure out what I want. I think I've found a few people who I'd enjoy hanging out with... but how do you go about it? I mean... if I try too hard to get to know them than I'll just end up annoying them and pushing them away... but if I try too little then they may not have the initiative themselves because they're already satisfied in their group of friends and don't care to make new ones. I know I used to be like that... set in my ways and satisfied with the cards I was dealt. When people would try and get to know me I would shrug them off because I had all the friends in the world and didn't feel the need for more. I used to feel like I never had enough time to hang out with everyone and I was constantly blowing people off. I guess what goes around comes around. But really... I can't claim that my life is all bad because others made it that way. I can't pretend like I'm not still blowing people off. It's like... I wan't to be alone but I don't want to be alone.
I just need new faces in my life. I really want to get to know this guy at work but it kind of feels like no matter what he's always going to be a coworker and not a friend. I've always had "friends" at the workplace but you know... if you introduce them to someone or if you're talking about them it's always "this guy I work with" I feel like it's hard to lose that title. But I'd like to try. Then there's two other guys. One of them I don't have any classes with and we're not very close... today I was in the photo lab by myself and he came back to see me. "Heeeyyy Tonnni" in that adorable Italian voice. It only seems special when he says it. He sat down next to me... I felt as though I couldn't look at him. Like if I did he would disappear into thin air as if he were just a dream. So I pretended to be indulged in the work I was doing. And he was making conversation... which kind of flattered me because he's never been much of a conversationalist with anyone. I responded... but didn't put forth an effort to talk back. Kept it all to bare minimum. I had no intentions of being so short with him. I didn't mean to act like I didn't care... and I almost feel as if I've ruined my chances. Like he's going to take that stand-offish impression with him and keep it as mine. I wish I was more confident. I wish when guys would talk to me I could flirt back like I used to, laugh and smile and look them in the eyes like they're the most important thing in the world. But when he broke me... he broke my confidence. My self esteem; my security. He left me naked and wounded and self conscious and insecure. Ruined my chances to open up to other people, even people I admire and have the want to get to know... Lenny pointed out to me the other night that I'm always on the defense. Like I've built some wall around myself protecting me from the world... and it's hard for others to get to know me. I know I'm just trying to keep myself from getting hurt again but at the same time I feel like I'm just hurting myself even more... but in an unhealthy way. I don't know if I can just force myself to let people in? I think that's something that can only be healed with time... but I don't want to wait. I want to be happy and content with myself and with knowing that I can walk into a room full of people and not feel like they're all constantly judging me with their eyes or every time a word comes out of my mouth they're mentally rolling their eyes and criticizing me.
What happened to the girl who used to be able to sit in the middle of the classroom, surrounded by everyone, and crack jokes and have the whole class in tears? Or the girl who used to go out and party and get crunk with her friends and have a great time with her life? The one who was able to talk to any guy, or any person, for that matter--whether it be the most popular kid in school or the hottest guy at a bar--and talk and laugh with all the confidence in the world? It really fucking sucks that I wasted my senior year on this bullshit. I can't get out of this hole he dug for me. I might as well just let him throw the dirt in on top and bury me alive... I mean technically that's what I've done. I let him break me down and my soul feels dead inside.