Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus (A Founders fic)
Disclaimer: We own nothing. But we’d love to own feedback.
Authors’ notes: This is completely and utterly
xenokattz’s fault. She poked the bunnies. We were also up way past our bedtime, and
lady_sarai’s LJ was broken in the making of this fic.
~~*~~
Rowena, the second years are particularly… cheerful today. Whatever did you do to them?
I thought I had warned you that we were practicing cheering charms today? Did I forget?
That was today? I thought it was Thursday. That explains why Geoffrey wouldn’t stop laughing. He usually doesn’t enjoy Herbology quite that much.
The term “enjoy Herbology” ought to be considered an oxymoron, Helga.
Godric, be nice.
Perhaps I should have reminded you. Do you think Salazar remembers?
It’s a bit late for a warning, as we’ve finished classes now. And I would remember, Rowena, had I been told.
Why are we passing notes like the students instead of actually speaking with one another?
Because it's fun to send notes whizzing about the castle. Plus, I'm holed up in my office reading some rather abysmal reports on animagi. Did I forget to mention the cheering charms to you, Salazar? I'm so sorry.
Rowena, be nice.
We’re going to give the students ideas should we keep this up. And please stop trying to send this parchment to Salazar-I’ve told him he cannot write any more notes until he has something civil to say.
I am perfectly capable of being civil. I simply have nothing civil to say at this moment.
What, did you wrest the quill away from Helga to write that?
Rowena, I will take your quill if you keep taunting him.
Taunting? Is that what she thinks she’s doing?
Taunting? Please. You're too easy a mark to make the effort. Or have you forgotten the Grand Stair Incident? And the way you were lying at the bottom of them, dazed, while Helga and I laughed? Oh, I forget. That was one of your oh-so-subtle attempts to get Helga to notice you.
Rowena! (We were not laughing, Salazar. Not at you.)
I most certainly was. And so was Helga. She’s just too nice to say so.
I will have the both of you know that falling down the stairwell was a planned strategic move. Now, if you all please, I have papers to grade and lessons to plan. (And I am certainly more subtle than Godric, thank goodness. Witness how long it took him to get your attention, Rowena. Besides, the rather brilliant and completely non-accidental fall down the stairwell did, in fact, work.)
Oh, for Merlin’s sake.
Witness me raising my eyebrow. Salazar, I think we saw quite enough of your subtlety in the famous Sleeping Dragon Incident. Which was entirely your fault.
That dragon, if you will recall, was no where near the eggs when said Incident began.
That may how things began, but it was most certainly not how it ended.
The whole encounter was your brilliant idea to begin with, Godric. And you were not the one the dragon sat on.
No, I’m only the one who had to tickle the sleeping dragon. And while I may have suggested the venture, it was you, Salazar, who actually approached the egg instead of summoning it.
I would like to remind the both of you that there is most likely no one at fault, as you perhaps had a bit too much ale before running off after bloody dragon eggs.
A bit too much?
Now that you mention it, Rowena, I believe you share some blame in the whole event. Or have you forgotten who encouraged me to go hunting dragon eggs?
Don't you dare lay this on me, Salazar. You were drunk. I can hardly be blamed for your inebriated actions. Besides. The properties of dragons' eggs are understudied.
And I was secretly hoping you'd do something rash and get yourself killed. I had no idea that Godric would be foolish enough to tickle a dragon to save you.
It never occurred to you that your foolhardy and intellectually-challenged husband would not join me in said rash endeavor? Said rash drunken behavior?
Unless you wish to die an excruciating death, you'll kindly strike that "intellectually-challenged" comment from your last missive. I don't care what sort of promises I made to your wife, they will not defend you from an attack on my husband.
Rowena, please. Allow me to defend my own honor. And wasn't it Helga who allowed us unfettered access to the ale stores? Shouldn’t she share some blame in this misadventure?
Godric. You defend your honor by deflecting attention to an innocent bystander? Really, how chivalrous. And I would like to point out that it was your idea to celebrate the new ceiling in the Great Hall. It's not my fault if you men took advantage of the celebration.
I would also like to add that Rowena probably wanted to get her hands on that dragon egg herself but didn't feel like actually going to fetch it.
I would like to remind you that there is a reason we keep Godric and Salazar around, and that I am not and have never been above knocking Salazar over the head and stealing his egg.
And it's a very nice ceiling. Worthy of celebration.
This we know. Which is why you and Salazar are rarely left alone. Not, of course, that Salazar cannot fend for himself. We’re certainly not worried that you might hex him into next Tuesday. No.
I can take perfectly good care of myself, thank you both very much. As if Rowena could possib-
It is indeed a lovely ceiling! Worthy of celebration, yes, which is in fact why the ale was unearthed. I just apparently gave the two of you more credit than you deserved when it comes to holding said ale.
I think that Salazar could afford to lose more time than just a week from Tuesday. Which is probably why I have yet to be left alone with him for enough time to get off a decent hex.
And I'll admit that the men are lightweights. Surprisingly. But also entertaining when they run off half-cocked like that. And may I remind you that their exit allowed us plenty of time to explore the depths of the lake in search of that bizarre monster that sometimes surfaces? It was not a complete loss.
Speaking of drunken mishaps…
We were not drunk.
Oh, Rowena, the lake. I think I rather prefer not remembering that.
Yes. I firmly believe that the LakeIncident should be stricken from all historical records.
I'm not so sure. If the dragon gets brought up (as it regularly does), I think The Lake ought to get at least a passing mention.
Oh really, Godric? And where were you when the gowns were stolen?
You're right. Let's never mention the LakeIncident again.
And it is made painfully obvious that you are frightened of your wife, Godric.
Excuse me, Oh Protected One. You have never been on the receiving end of one of her nastier curses. Of course I'm afraid of her. Do you remember the looks on their faces when they got back to the castle?
Speaking of which, Salazar. I think I still owe you a hex for that one.
Rowena, dearest, I would like to point out that there were two men involved in the Gown Stealing. And perhaps you ought to reconsider your stance on Godric’s virtue. I point you to the Vanishing Wardrobe Incident of ’88. Remember that Salazar was not even in the castle during that time.
Godric will be dealt with presently and with appropriate severity. However, Salazar has in fact committed the unforgivable offense of seeing me naked, and therefore Must Die a Painful Death. All apologies, Helga.
Besides. We were not left to walk back to the castle SKYCLAD after the Wardrobe Incident.
May I ask why we're dredging up ancient history and being punished for it? Again?
Because you stole our gowns and we were forced to walk back to the castle. I would also like to point out that we were both quite without clothing and that both men were witnesses.
I had rather thought that you were going to just apparate back and all of our gown-thievery was going to be for naught.
That is, had I been sober enough to think such a thought.
Save your energy, Rowena. I know a punishment far worse than any hex you can imagine.
And there was the rather imminent danger of splinching, despite Rowena’s protests of sobriety.
Yes. Splinching was a concern. While I do not admit to being drunk, I also do not recall precisely how much ale I drank that night. And are you certain you'd rather I not hex Salazar? Witness his unrepentance.
And forget not the nakedness.
There may well be a reason I try to avoid drinking ale these days.
In any case, in order to save my husband from a particularly Painful Death (not that you don’t deserve it, you know), I wonder if you remember precisely what happened with that merman, Rowena?
(I would also like to point out that Godric saw me naked as well, and really, isn't this an occasion when the men should be fighting over this sort of thing? Who saw who naked, that is?)
I'm sorry... merman? You may have saved Salazar's life yet. What happened with the merman?
And you may have a point. Where are our men to defend our honor? Wasn't that one of the vows? Love, cherish, and protect thy naked body from the lascivious gazes of other men?
May I comment that none of us were actually married at the time of these incidents?
Not if you want to sleep in our bed tonight.
In so far as the merman goes… I’d rather not say.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind all parties that while yes, there may have been gown thievery, Godric and I had just tickled a sleeping dragon. We were rather preoccupied with burns and other assorted injuries.
And with finding the rest of the ale?
Well, yes, that as well. For medicinal purposes, of course.
To Hell with sleeping dragons and medicinal ale! I still want to know what POSESSED the two of you to STEAL OUR GOWNS, forcing us to walk up to the castle completely NAKED. Honestly, Godric, you should have known better. (Salazar, you will have to deal with Helga-may God have mercy.)
And Helga, I may remember the merman incident. I had thought it was only a bizarre dream.
Drunk. I am not sure how many times I can repeat this, but I was drunk. In such a state of inebriation that tickling a sleeping dragon seemed like a clever idea. I don't think I was in much of a state to resist the pranking impulse that drove me to agree to Salazar's idea of gown stealing.
MY idea? It was most certainly never MY idea! You were the one with the brilliant plan! “Let’s take their gowns,” he said. “We’ll just vanish them,” he said. But then you couldn’t bloody well vanish them, could you? And who, precisely, was caught holding said gowns? The scapegoat!
Oh, honestly, Salazar. Calm down. I’m sure you are both equally to blame. (And you would do well to remember that the No Hexing policy really only applies to Rowena. There has been nothing stated about whether or not I am allowed to hex anyone.)
As it is happens that I tend to play the role of Healer, I would like to remind Rowena what kind of power this grants me and would also like to mention that burns don't typically take quite so long to heal when properly attended to.
Not that I would ever do anything like that. Even-or especially-after being on the receiving end of such a juvenile prank.
(The Merman Incident WAS rather bizarre.)
Scapegoat, indeed.
And Helga-I’m surprised, and mildly offended, by your clear abandonment of your Healing oaths to punish Salazar and me. Again, we were drunk, and should not have been held responsible for our actions. And again-why does this story keep coming up? It's embarrassing all around, as it was the product of universal drunkenness.
How many times must I say that I was not drunk? I was merely... unsteady.
Rowena, my dear, I love you, but you were most assuredly drunk. As the Merman Incident would illustrate if you could remember it.
And Godric, how many times must I remind you that I am not a professional Healer? And therefore have taken no such oaths. I would also like to remind you both that you came to me in your sorry drunken states for medical attention when I myself was clearly not the picture of sobriety. (And therefore, Godric, there is nothing that can be proved, so stop trying!)
Would it help to end this conversation if I stated for the record that I have no recollection of seeing anyone naked? And that is something I surely ought to recall.
I scoff at the idea that you don't remember, Salazar. But that is a matter to be settled another time.
And I'll stand as a witness to Helga's mental state at the time of the healing-she's right, dear, stop trying.
I'm sure I'm coming late to this party, but... What is this about a merman? And I never have had a satisfactory explanation as to why you two were naked anyways.
Now you're worried about our honor. If you wanted the right to ask such questions, you never should have STOLEN OUR DRESSES. (And I don't care what state of inebriation you were in.)
We were also drunk. (If you wished to spare yourself a great deal of embarrassment and explaining, Rowena, you would latch on to this excuse with as much zeal as your husband.) Besides, mermen are ridiculously ugly. And they screech.
I do wonder just how the whole incident came to serve as the school motto-this whole ordeal just keeps coming up.
Well, it certainly wasn’t my idea-or Godric’s-to make it the motto! Nor was it my idea for Godric to TICKLE the SLEEPING DRAGON. If he will recall, I was slightly preoccupied at the time-what with being SAT on.
...I have no idea who suggested the school's motto.
Of course you don’t. (Just be careful who you decide to blame, my dear, as I do remember more about the whole Merman Incident than you do.)
And Godric, where precisely is a dragon ticklish?
...I have no recollection of the decision-making process.
I don't recall a process at all? Does anyone remember having voted on the school motto? I really don't...
And-surprisingly: Its feet, the elbows of the forelegs, and the underbelly.
I have a feeling there was no decision-making process at all, Godric. I certainly didn’t vote, either. Helga?
Oh, what does that matter? Salazar, where were you when Godric was close enough to tickle a dragon’s underbelly?
We must have had this conversation before. Surely. That dragon SAT on me.
Well, not technically, as then I wouldn’t have needed to bother trying to save your ungrateful hide.
Alas, mere feet between Salazar and death by crushing. If only...
Don't start.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I haven’t gotten a single thing done this evening besides argue via parchment. We may as well just give up the pretense of actually trying to run a school and just meet in the study to argue in person.
Ah, but where’s the fun in that?
The children are afraid to bother us in the study, as opposed to feeling quite free to come by our offices any time of night.
You have a point.
I'm on my way.
I'll bring my wand.
You will not.
~Finis~
Feedback is love.
Authors’ notes: This is completely and utterly
xenokattz’s fault. She poked the bunnies. We were also up way past our bedtime, and
lady_sarai’s LJ was broken in the making of this fic.
~~*~~
Rowena, the second years are particularly… cheerful today. Whatever did you do to them?
I thought I had warned you that we were practicing cheering charms today? Did I forget?
That was today? I thought it was Thursday. That explains why Geoffrey wouldn’t stop laughing. He usually doesn’t enjoy Herbology quite that much.
The term “enjoy Herbology” ought to be considered an oxymoron, Helga.
Godric, be nice.
Perhaps I should have reminded you. Do you think Salazar remembers?
It’s a bit late for a warning, as we’ve finished classes now. And I would remember, Rowena, had I been told.
Why are we passing notes like the students instead of actually speaking with one another?
Because it's fun to send notes whizzing about the castle. Plus, I'm holed up in my office reading some rather abysmal reports on animagi. Did I forget to mention the cheering charms to you, Salazar? I'm so sorry.
Rowena, be nice.
We’re going to give the students ideas should we keep this up. And please stop trying to send this parchment to Salazar-I’ve told him he cannot write any more notes until he has something civil to say.
I am perfectly capable of being civil. I simply have nothing civil to say at this moment.
What, did you wrest the quill away from Helga to write that?
Rowena, I will take your quill if you keep taunting him.
Taunting? Is that what she thinks she’s doing?
Taunting? Please. You're too easy a mark to make the effort. Or have you forgotten the Grand Stair Incident? And the way you were lying at the bottom of them, dazed, while Helga and I laughed? Oh, I forget. That was one of your oh-so-subtle attempts to get Helga to notice you.
Rowena! (We were not laughing, Salazar. Not at you.)
I most certainly was. And so was Helga. She’s just too nice to say so.
I will have the both of you know that falling down the stairwell was a planned strategic move. Now, if you all please, I have papers to grade and lessons to plan. (And I am certainly more subtle than Godric, thank goodness. Witness how long it took him to get your attention, Rowena. Besides, the rather brilliant and completely non-accidental fall down the stairwell did, in fact, work.)
Oh, for Merlin’s sake.
Witness me raising my eyebrow. Salazar, I think we saw quite enough of your subtlety in the famous Sleeping Dragon Incident. Which was entirely your fault.
That dragon, if you will recall, was no where near the eggs when said Incident began.
That may how things began, but it was most certainly not how it ended.
The whole encounter was your brilliant idea to begin with, Godric. And you were not the one the dragon sat on.
No, I’m only the one who had to tickle the sleeping dragon. And while I may have suggested the venture, it was you, Salazar, who actually approached the egg instead of summoning it.
I would like to remind the both of you that there is most likely no one at fault, as you perhaps had a bit too much ale before running off after bloody dragon eggs.
A bit too much?
Now that you mention it, Rowena, I believe you share some blame in the whole event. Or have you forgotten who encouraged me to go hunting dragon eggs?
Don't you dare lay this on me, Salazar. You were drunk. I can hardly be blamed for your inebriated actions. Besides. The properties of dragons' eggs are understudied.
And I was secretly hoping you'd do something rash and get yourself killed. I had no idea that Godric would be foolish enough to tickle a dragon to save you.
It never occurred to you that your foolhardy and intellectually-challenged husband would not join me in said rash endeavor? Said rash drunken behavior?
Unless you wish to die an excruciating death, you'll kindly strike that "intellectually-challenged" comment from your last missive. I don't care what sort of promises I made to your wife, they will not defend you from an attack on my husband.
Rowena, please. Allow me to defend my own honor. And wasn't it Helga who allowed us unfettered access to the ale stores? Shouldn’t she share some blame in this misadventure?
Godric. You defend your honor by deflecting attention to an innocent bystander? Really, how chivalrous. And I would like to point out that it was your idea to celebrate the new ceiling in the Great Hall. It's not my fault if you men took advantage of the celebration.
I would also like to add that Rowena probably wanted to get her hands on that dragon egg herself but didn't feel like actually going to fetch it.
I would like to remind you that there is a reason we keep Godric and Salazar around, and that I am not and have never been above knocking Salazar over the head and stealing his egg.
And it's a very nice ceiling. Worthy of celebration.
This we know. Which is why you and Salazar are rarely left alone. Not, of course, that Salazar cannot fend for himself. We’re certainly not worried that you might hex him into next Tuesday. No.
I can take perfectly good care of myself, thank you both very much. As if Rowena could possib-
It is indeed a lovely ceiling! Worthy of celebration, yes, which is in fact why the ale was unearthed. I just apparently gave the two of you more credit than you deserved when it comes to holding said ale.
I think that Salazar could afford to lose more time than just a week from Tuesday. Which is probably why I have yet to be left alone with him for enough time to get off a decent hex.
And I'll admit that the men are lightweights. Surprisingly. But also entertaining when they run off half-cocked like that. And may I remind you that their exit allowed us plenty of time to explore the depths of the lake in search of that bizarre monster that sometimes surfaces? It was not a complete loss.
Speaking of drunken mishaps…
We were not drunk.
Oh, Rowena, the lake. I think I rather prefer not remembering that.
Yes. I firmly believe that the LakeIncident should be stricken from all historical records.
I'm not so sure. If the dragon gets brought up (as it regularly does), I think The Lake ought to get at least a passing mention.
Oh really, Godric? And where were you when the gowns were stolen?
You're right. Let's never mention the LakeIncident again.
And it is made painfully obvious that you are frightened of your wife, Godric.
Excuse me, Oh Protected One. You have never been on the receiving end of one of her nastier curses. Of course I'm afraid of her. Do you remember the looks on their faces when they got back to the castle?
Speaking of which, Salazar. I think I still owe you a hex for that one.
Rowena, dearest, I would like to point out that there were two men involved in the Gown Stealing. And perhaps you ought to reconsider your stance on Godric’s virtue. I point you to the Vanishing Wardrobe Incident of ’88. Remember that Salazar was not even in the castle during that time.
Godric will be dealt with presently and with appropriate severity. However, Salazar has in fact committed the unforgivable offense of seeing me naked, and therefore Must Die a Painful Death. All apologies, Helga.
Besides. We were not left to walk back to the castle SKYCLAD after the Wardrobe Incident.
May I ask why we're dredging up ancient history and being punished for it? Again?
Because you stole our gowns and we were forced to walk back to the castle. I would also like to point out that we were both quite without clothing and that both men were witnesses.
I had rather thought that you were going to just apparate back and all of our gown-thievery was going to be for naught.
That is, had I been sober enough to think such a thought.
Save your energy, Rowena. I know a punishment far worse than any hex you can imagine.
And there was the rather imminent danger of splinching, despite Rowena’s protests of sobriety.
Yes. Splinching was a concern. While I do not admit to being drunk, I also do not recall precisely how much ale I drank that night. And are you certain you'd rather I not hex Salazar? Witness his unrepentance.
And forget not the nakedness.
There may well be a reason I try to avoid drinking ale these days.
In any case, in order to save my husband from a particularly Painful Death (not that you don’t deserve it, you know), I wonder if you remember precisely what happened with that merman, Rowena?
(I would also like to point out that Godric saw me naked as well, and really, isn't this an occasion when the men should be fighting over this sort of thing? Who saw who naked, that is?)
I'm sorry... merman? You may have saved Salazar's life yet. What happened with the merman?
And you may have a point. Where are our men to defend our honor? Wasn't that one of the vows? Love, cherish, and protect thy naked body from the lascivious gazes of other men?
May I comment that none of us were actually married at the time of these incidents?
Not if you want to sleep in our bed tonight.
In so far as the merman goes… I’d rather not say.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind all parties that while yes, there may have been gown thievery, Godric and I had just tickled a sleeping dragon. We were rather preoccupied with burns and other assorted injuries.
And with finding the rest of the ale?
Well, yes, that as well. For medicinal purposes, of course.
To Hell with sleeping dragons and medicinal ale! I still want to know what POSESSED the two of you to STEAL OUR GOWNS, forcing us to walk up to the castle completely NAKED. Honestly, Godric, you should have known better. (Salazar, you will have to deal with Helga-may God have mercy.)
And Helga, I may remember the merman incident. I had thought it was only a bizarre dream.
Drunk. I am not sure how many times I can repeat this, but I was drunk. In such a state of inebriation that tickling a sleeping dragon seemed like a clever idea. I don't think I was in much of a state to resist the pranking impulse that drove me to agree to Salazar's idea of gown stealing.
MY idea? It was most certainly never MY idea! You were the one with the brilliant plan! “Let’s take their gowns,” he said. “We’ll just vanish them,” he said. But then you couldn’t bloody well vanish them, could you? And who, precisely, was caught holding said gowns? The scapegoat!
Oh, honestly, Salazar. Calm down. I’m sure you are both equally to blame. (And you would do well to remember that the No Hexing policy really only applies to Rowena. There has been nothing stated about whether or not I am allowed to hex anyone.)
As it is happens that I tend to play the role of Healer, I would like to remind Rowena what kind of power this grants me and would also like to mention that burns don't typically take quite so long to heal when properly attended to.
Not that I would ever do anything like that. Even-or especially-after being on the receiving end of such a juvenile prank.
(The Merman Incident WAS rather bizarre.)
Scapegoat, indeed.
And Helga-I’m surprised, and mildly offended, by your clear abandonment of your Healing oaths to punish Salazar and me. Again, we were drunk, and should not have been held responsible for our actions. And again-why does this story keep coming up? It's embarrassing all around, as it was the product of universal drunkenness.
How many times must I say that I was not drunk? I was merely... unsteady.
Rowena, my dear, I love you, but you were most assuredly drunk. As the Merman Incident would illustrate if you could remember it.
And Godric, how many times must I remind you that I am not a professional Healer? And therefore have taken no such oaths. I would also like to remind you both that you came to me in your sorry drunken states for medical attention when I myself was clearly not the picture of sobriety. (And therefore, Godric, there is nothing that can be proved, so stop trying!)
Would it help to end this conversation if I stated for the record that I have no recollection of seeing anyone naked? And that is something I surely ought to recall.
I scoff at the idea that you don't remember, Salazar. But that is a matter to be settled another time.
And I'll stand as a witness to Helga's mental state at the time of the healing-she's right, dear, stop trying.
I'm sure I'm coming late to this party, but... What is this about a merman? And I never have had a satisfactory explanation as to why you two were naked anyways.
Now you're worried about our honor. If you wanted the right to ask such questions, you never should have STOLEN OUR DRESSES. (And I don't care what state of inebriation you were in.)
We were also drunk. (If you wished to spare yourself a great deal of embarrassment and explaining, Rowena, you would latch on to this excuse with as much zeal as your husband.) Besides, mermen are ridiculously ugly. And they screech.
I do wonder just how the whole incident came to serve as the school motto-this whole ordeal just keeps coming up.
Well, it certainly wasn’t my idea-or Godric’s-to make it the motto! Nor was it my idea for Godric to TICKLE the SLEEPING DRAGON. If he will recall, I was slightly preoccupied at the time-what with being SAT on.
...I have no idea who suggested the school's motto.
Of course you don’t. (Just be careful who you decide to blame, my dear, as I do remember more about the whole Merman Incident than you do.)
And Godric, where precisely is a dragon ticklish?
...I have no recollection of the decision-making process.
I don't recall a process at all? Does anyone remember having voted on the school motto? I really don't...
And-surprisingly: Its feet, the elbows of the forelegs, and the underbelly.
I have a feeling there was no decision-making process at all, Godric. I certainly didn’t vote, either. Helga?
Oh, what does that matter? Salazar, where were you when Godric was close enough to tickle a dragon’s underbelly?
We must have had this conversation before. Surely. That dragon SAT on me.
Well, not technically, as then I wouldn’t have needed to bother trying to save your ungrateful hide.
Alas, mere feet between Salazar and death by crushing. If only...
Don't start.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I haven’t gotten a single thing done this evening besides argue via parchment. We may as well just give up the pretense of actually trying to run a school and just meet in the study to argue in person.
Ah, but where’s the fun in that?
The children are afraid to bother us in the study, as opposed to feeling quite free to come by our offices any time of night.
You have a point.
I'm on my way.
I'll bring my wand.
You will not.
~Finis~
Feedback is love.