Harry Potter and Recurring Day

[seek_to_end]

The timing was not right. Harry was getting used to that aspect of life on the island, how things did not always sync up the way they should. It wasn't something he could fix. Sirius had told Harry what happened in his future, briefly, and that had sort of been nice but had left him with more questions too, questions that he didn't want answered

Comments

[honestlyrubbish]

Even though Hermione had taken it upon herself to attend as many classes as she physically could given her schedule, there were times when she still felt far too idle on the island. The lulls between her classes felt impossibly long, the purpose behind her taking the classes gutted by the fact that in actuality, the likelihood that she would even use what she'd learned back home- her real home, which the island could never be- were slim to none. When she walked out to the beach that afternoon, for what felt like the fifth time, it was with a soft sigh of her own. Far from a lack of excitement, the problem with the island was that it left her in a constant state of holding her breath

[seek_to_end]

Harry glanced over at Hermione only to check her expression. He could get caught up in his own thoughts and not notice what was going on around him a lot. Sometimes it didn't matter and sometimes it blew up in his face. But thankfully, unlike Ron, Harry could read Hermione's expressions pretty well. He was far from perfect, but the obvious didn't escape him. Hermione seemed to have a permanent shadow of worry over her face these days, but Harry thought that was something he could not change. He would try to make her smile when he could, but now wasn't one of those times.

He shrugged awkwardly and carefully folded up the letter. Not that he was trying to hide it, but it was just one thing in a sea of many that troubled his thoughts. It wasn't really necessary to explain and probably better off forgotten for the time being. "Nothing really," Harry said. "I'm thinking too much. We all know how terribly that turns out."

[honestlyrubbish]

Thinking too much wasn't a criticism that Hermione felt she could have of very many people, though she recognized the danger of getting lost in a spiral of thoughts, swirling inwardly, never progressing anywhere useful or calming. The last thing that she wanted for Harry, or for any of her friends at all, was to be swept away by a sea of negativity, swimming neck-deep in thoughts that threatened to distract them from the present. (Sometimes, it was the fact that Hermione herself was prone to such that had her worrying even more for the welfare of others, empathizing with them in a way that left her chest feeling sore.)

"I think, more often than that, I worry when you keep too much to yourself. And perhaps rightfully so," Hermione said quietly, thinking about their trip back to Hogwarts, the fear which had ran down her spine like a shock of cold water as she'd seen Voldemort carry Harry's body out, seemingly lifeless. "I don't mean to pry, but I do worry."

[seek_to_end]

She had a point. Hermione always had a point. Annoyingly, it was more often than not a true point that Harry had to stop to consider. Everything worked so seamlessly in his mind and then she had to show him with a few words how everything he thought was wrong. It kept him alive but it ruined his sulky moods.

He shook his head tiredly. "My thoughts are stupid, that's all," Harry said. "And I can't do anything about them, so what's the point?" He knew Hermione and Ron would be there for him, no matter what, even when he didn't want them there for their own good. But months of dead ends made him wary of introducing more potentially pointless ideas. He had held tight to his theories back in the tent, because they worked in his mind, but this wasn't anything that could be fixed. Not on the island anyway.

[honestlyrubbish]

Her eyes fell shut at his question, Hermione's frustration with the island bleeding through. Back home, it would have been so simple to claim that there was nothing that the three of them couldn't overcome together, that every obstacle had its cracks and crevices to be taken advantage of. But the longer they stayed on Tabula Rasa, the more lost Hermione felt, floundering in the wake of circumstances for which she had yet to find a pattern in.

"Your thoughts aren't stupid, Harry," Hermione sighed, shaking her head, leaning slightly until her arm rested against his. "And although there are some things that we can't physically change, that doesn't mean making peace doesn't have its own merit. All I know is that the expression you're wearing right now, I don't want you to feel emotions like that if it can be helped."

[seek_to_end]

"It can't be helped," he said sullenly. Harry thought better of his words two seconds later, partially because he knew Hermione wouldn't let him leave it at that, but it felt good to be a little bit petulant in the face of reason.

"It's May second again, Hermione," he said wearily. "It's the day that everything happens. When I die, when we defeat Voldemort, when everyone-- that battle in Hogwarts. I feel like it's burned into my mind now as this big day and I'm here, sitting on a beach, and it just feels..."

Harry didn't know what it felt like though. He wasn't even entirely sure there was a word for it, that dissonance between what was going on around him and what he was thinking of inside his head.

[honestlyrubbish]

She felt her breath hitch, though Hermione did her best to mask the slight gasp, covering it with a clearing of her throat. While she'd certainly got her glimpse of the future in the group trip they'd made back to Hogwarts some weekends ago, the dates hadn't quite connected for her, and the sudden realization slid back down her spine like a run of cold water, causing her entire body to shudder.

"I... didn't realize," she admitted quietly, her own gaze suddenly distant as she stared out over the beach, at the sand that turned into an even, indistinct color as soon as one's eyes lost focus. Exhaling slowly, she rested her head on Harry's shoulder, simply listening to his breath for several seconds. Cherishing the fact that they were alive, healthy, that everything else could improve from there.

"It feels a bit empty, doesn't it?" Hermione said at last. "Even though we know that ultimately, dates are... well, the dates here in relation to home, so far there's no reason to think that it's anything but arbitrary."

[seek_to_end]

Harry let the quiet take them, the gentle crash of the waves, the sound of birds, the whoosh of the sea breeze filling in the empty spaces. It was better than talking, especially when there was nothing he wanted to talk about.

"It matters to me," he said, a corner of his mouth tugging downward. "I know what you're saying. It's not our calendar, not really. But I feel like-- I've got all these feelings. About what happened, what will happen, everything we did. They're always in my head, even when I'm doing other things. Normal things. I think I.. need a place to put them. Or a day to think about them. So I can not think about them all the rest of the time. If that even makes sense," Harry finished. Sighing, he rested his head lightly against Hermione's, put at ease, as always, by her warm presence beside him. "And this day shows up again and it's all the same. Normal life and everything else and I don't know where to start."

[honestlyrubbish]

For a few seconds, Hermione believed that Harry would let the silence stretch further and had no more words to contribute to the moment. The impulse to push further nagged at her lips, tugging them thin as her eyes glanced lightly over toward him. Instead, she let her eyelids fall shut, tension in her jaw as she wrapped her arm around his, not pushing too far- this topic in particular felt too raw

[seek_to_end]

"And how are we gonna do that?" Harry asked. His brow lifted as he asked, a questioning expression but nothing pointed. Ron struggled with everything Muggle on the island -- and everything was Muggle -- and Harry hated the lack of magic too, felt the frustration scratching at him under his skin sometimes, but they both walked in the world. They both lived with what was given to them. Hermione was the one hanging back at parties, exercising caution, who wouldn't let Harry out of her sight those first few days, who stuck her nose in her books. In a lot of ways that was normal for Hermione, but it felt even more to Harry now like she was holding back.

This didn't inspire any kind of spite in Harry when he asked the question, but more genuine curiosity. Hermione usually knew best and if she was going to try, if she had an idea then it had to be something brilliant. "What are you going to do to do that?"

[honestlyrubbish]

"It's a good question," Hermione sighed, gaze fluttering over to the side. She didn't have the answer to that, even though she knew that Harry probably wasn't expecting a plan down to every last letter. Not for something like this, that they couldn't adequately research or prepare for, where even the importance of leaving the island was a question up in the air. "Well, I suppose that differs for all of us, doesn't it? Ron's first step needs to be growing accustomed to the lack of magic at all, and I- well, what I plan to do, leafing through Council records and sitting by the bookshelf, I'm not sure either of you would enjoy that. But there are a lot of opportunities now that we didn't have back home. You could get a job, you could take classes that you want. Venture to the second island, explore..."

Her lips quirked up lightly. "I guess it all boils down to me listing off distractions until we find something that fits."

[seek_to_end]

A job sounded horrible. Class sounded even worse. The only thing he wanted to learn more about was Defense Against the Dark Arts and that was definitely not on the course list. Not that he had checked, but he had a pretty good idea. He fought back a broad smile at the last suggestion, lifting his eyebrows in amused surprise.

"You'd let Ron and me onto the second island? Really?" he said, picking up a heavily teasing tone. "Do you think 'cause we don't have magic anymore that's less likely to end in trouble or are you trying to get rid of us now, Hermione?"

[honestlyrubbish]

Hermione's brows immediately knit in a panic as she shook her head, quickly trying to undo any ideas she had possibly given Harry in her slip-up. Judging by the teasing, lilting sound of his voice, he hadn't taken her too seriously, but Hermione was pretty sure she couldn't be too careful with those boys, given how prone they were to having ideas.

"Well, I'd go with you, of course, don't be ridiculous- I'd never try to get rid of you. The very thought of either of you being out of sight for days is enough to give me a panic attack," she said at once, and with a heavy sigh. "Being without magic only makes it worse, since I doubt either of you would adjust your behavior accordingly."