The Pool - chapter nine
As the door closes, Ted knows he should have done something. He'd so nearly kissed Barney, but he just couldn't. He'd imagined burying his fingers in the soft fabric of Barney's t-shirt, pulling him towards him, gently covering those lips with his own, pulling Barney in closer with a firm hand on the back of his head... but he'd been crippled by the idea of Robin seeing. Robin knowing about him and Barney and seeing it are two different things. He knows Robin is looking at him. He rolls his eyes and discovers that when you're as hungover as he is, even eyerolling can hurt.
"What, Robin? What's the look for? What do you want to say?" Talking is making his face hurt.
"Ted... we can do this if you like. You can project and argue and pretend and eventually get round to doing what you want to do, which is telling me what's the matter. Or, you can save time and precious hangover energy and just tell me."
Ted feels caught off guard. Mainly because he knows Robin's right. And he does need to talk about this. He sighs, stops walking, meets Robin's eyes. "I said something. I think I hurt Barney. I told him I don't want to be attracted to him. And I said I can't give up on getting married and having kids."
"Well... it's a change from saying I love you right away..."
"Robin!"
"Sorry." She rubs his arm reassuringly. "Sorry, really. Did he seem ok?"
"No. He just stopped talking and made coffee."
"You know that underneath everything Barney is painfully vulnerable, right?"
"Yeah."
"You know it must have taken him everything to do... to do what you guys are doing?"
"Yeah." Ted's voice is getting quieter.
Robin's voice is quieter too. "You know he's been completely in love with you since forever?"
"Yeah." Ted pretty much whispers.
"What about you?"
Ted feels his body threatening to betray him. His eyes are hot and his throat is burning, but he can't cry. Not here, with Robin. He swallows the lump in his throat. "I can't be gay." He feels tears well and roll down his cheeks and doesn't even wipe them away. He leans back against the wall and buries his face in the crook of his elbow.
"Ted, maybe it doesn't have to be gay. Maybe it's just about Barney." Robin pulls him into a hug, soothingly guiding his head onto her shoulder. Momentarily, Ted is struck by the weirdness of his ex-girlfriend comforting him over his fledgling relationship with a dude.
"Robin, can we just go home?"
Robin sighs heavily. "You know at some point you're not going to be able to 'go home'? You're going to have to deal with this."
"Well right now, it's going to be a problem for future Ted, ok?"
Robin takes him home and he bluffs his way through conversations with Marshall and Lily and his mother, which is particularly awkward since she's probably imagining that he's been fucking Barney all night. They all go for brunch - Barney doesn't show up - then late in the afternoon, his mom goes home. She hugs him a little bit tighter than usual, Ted's sure of it. He goes to bed not long after she's gone.
The day at work passes in a blur. He checks his phone constantly, half hoping Barney will ring or text and half worrying what he'll say if he does. Barney's all he can think about. He's in meetings and he zones out, thinking about stroking his hands down the firm ridges of Barney's abs, slipping his hand down further, running his nails down Barney's back, feeling Barney roughly kiss him, stroking Ted's erection through his pants. The thought that he's never been this preoccupied with a woman keeps sneaking into his mind.
By the time he gets to Maclarens that night he's desperate to just be alone with Barney. He wants to say he's sorry then tear off Barney's stupidly expensive jacket, run his hands under his shirt, grind against him until they're both hard, kiss him so deeply it takes his breath away.
But when Barney arrives and Ted sneakily runs his hand up his thigh under the table, Barney pulls away. When he tries to make eye contact, Barney won't. He engineers the two of them going to the bar together but Barney acts like the past few days haven't happened, flatly refusing to acknowledge anything that Ted (in code) talks about. Eventually, still early in the evening, he announces he's going home. Ted watches him stand up - still he won't make eye contact - and walk out. Ted's physically overcome by his need, he's practically trembling and he can't process anything anyone's saying. Abruptly, he finds himself standing up and mumbling a lame excuse and bolting after his friend.
Barney's outside waiting for a taxi.
"Hey Ted," he says, mildly.
"Barney... stop being like this."
"Ted, I thought this was what you wanted? Ignoring what we feel because it's so disgusting." He's going for nonchalant, but he actually just sounds petulant and hurt and scared.
"Barney..." Ted moves in and puts his arms around Barney's neck. He doesn't exactly yield, but he doesn't pull away. "I'm sorry. I... I do want to be with you. I know I do. I just need to get past this. But I can't do it without your help, OK?"
Barney looks him right into his eyes. "Ted, you have to mean it, because..." he tails off. "Ted, I've cared about you for a really long time."
"I know." Ted's look tells Barney that he knows how much. He pulls him in closer, and the feel of Barney's breath and soft brush of his lips makes his pulse race and the tiny hairs on his neck rise. He feels Barney try to pull back, but he holds him tighter, licking lightly along Barney's jawline. Barney still tries to pull away.
"Ted!" He hisses urgently. "Marshall."
Ted opens his eyes a little and behind Barney, out of the corner of his eye, he can see that Marshall has indeed followed him out of the bar and is standing watching them, frozen by awkwardness and confusion.
Ted closes his eyes, holds Barney tighter and starts to kiss him.
"What, Robin? What's the look for? What do you want to say?" Talking is making his face hurt.
"Ted... we can do this if you like. You can project and argue and pretend and eventually get round to doing what you want to do, which is telling me what's the matter. Or, you can save time and precious hangover energy and just tell me."
Ted feels caught off guard. Mainly because he knows Robin's right. And he does need to talk about this. He sighs, stops walking, meets Robin's eyes. "I said something. I think I hurt Barney. I told him I don't want to be attracted to him. And I said I can't give up on getting married and having kids."
"Well... it's a change from saying I love you right away..."
"Robin!"
"Sorry." She rubs his arm reassuringly. "Sorry, really. Did he seem ok?"
"No. He just stopped talking and made coffee."
"You know that underneath everything Barney is painfully vulnerable, right?"
"Yeah."
"You know it must have taken him everything to do... to do what you guys are doing?"
"Yeah." Ted's voice is getting quieter.
Robin's voice is quieter too. "You know he's been completely in love with you since forever?"
"Yeah." Ted pretty much whispers.
"What about you?"
Ted feels his body threatening to betray him. His eyes are hot and his throat is burning, but he can't cry. Not here, with Robin. He swallows the lump in his throat. "I can't be gay." He feels tears well and roll down his cheeks and doesn't even wipe them away. He leans back against the wall and buries his face in the crook of his elbow.
"Ted, maybe it doesn't have to be gay. Maybe it's just about Barney." Robin pulls him into a hug, soothingly guiding his head onto her shoulder. Momentarily, Ted is struck by the weirdness of his ex-girlfriend comforting him over his fledgling relationship with a dude.
"Robin, can we just go home?"
Robin sighs heavily. "You know at some point you're not going to be able to 'go home'? You're going to have to deal with this."
"Well right now, it's going to be a problem for future Ted, ok?"
Robin takes him home and he bluffs his way through conversations with Marshall and Lily and his mother, which is particularly awkward since she's probably imagining that he's been fucking Barney all night. They all go for brunch - Barney doesn't show up - then late in the afternoon, his mom goes home. She hugs him a little bit tighter than usual, Ted's sure of it. He goes to bed not long after she's gone.
The day at work passes in a blur. He checks his phone constantly, half hoping Barney will ring or text and half worrying what he'll say if he does. Barney's all he can think about. He's in meetings and he zones out, thinking about stroking his hands down the firm ridges of Barney's abs, slipping his hand down further, running his nails down Barney's back, feeling Barney roughly kiss him, stroking Ted's erection through his pants. The thought that he's never been this preoccupied with a woman keeps sneaking into his mind.
By the time he gets to Maclarens that night he's desperate to just be alone with Barney. He wants to say he's sorry then tear off Barney's stupidly expensive jacket, run his hands under his shirt, grind against him until they're both hard, kiss him so deeply it takes his breath away.
But when Barney arrives and Ted sneakily runs his hand up his thigh under the table, Barney pulls away. When he tries to make eye contact, Barney won't. He engineers the two of them going to the bar together but Barney acts like the past few days haven't happened, flatly refusing to acknowledge anything that Ted (in code) talks about. Eventually, still early in the evening, he announces he's going home. Ted watches him stand up - still he won't make eye contact - and walk out. Ted's physically overcome by his need, he's practically trembling and he can't process anything anyone's saying. Abruptly, he finds himself standing up and mumbling a lame excuse and bolting after his friend.
Barney's outside waiting for a taxi.
"Hey Ted," he says, mildly.
"Barney... stop being like this."
"Ted, I thought this was what you wanted? Ignoring what we feel because it's so disgusting." He's going for nonchalant, but he actually just sounds petulant and hurt and scared.
"Barney..." Ted moves in and puts his arms around Barney's neck. He doesn't exactly yield, but he doesn't pull away. "I'm sorry. I... I do want to be with you. I know I do. I just need to get past this. But I can't do it without your help, OK?"
Barney looks him right into his eyes. "Ted, you have to mean it, because..." he tails off. "Ted, I've cared about you for a really long time."
"I know." Ted's look tells Barney that he knows how much. He pulls him in closer, and the feel of Barney's breath and soft brush of his lips makes his pulse race and the tiny hairs on his neck rise. He feels Barney try to pull back, but he holds him tighter, licking lightly along Barney's jawline. Barney still tries to pull away.
"Ted!" He hisses urgently. "Marshall."
Ted opens his eyes a little and behind Barney, out of the corner of his eye, he can see that Marshall has indeed followed him out of the bar and is standing watching them, frozen by awkwardness and confusion.
Ted closes his eyes, holds Barney tighter and starts to kiss him.