My CFW Testimony
The week after finals, InterVarsity chapters from Michigan and some surrounding states gather in the UP at Cedar Campus for what is called Chapter Focus Week. There we spend a week worshipping together, learning together, and spending time together. Several tracks are offered for students to go through to learn about a Biblical or Spiritual topic that interests them (Bible study, evangelism, the Bible, racial reconciliation, etc…). The week that I attended I took the track called “Loving God’s Story” which was basically an overview of the entire Bible in one week. I learned a lot about the Bible, myself, and my relationship with God over the course of the week and I shared my testimony with the group that I was with. I’ve been thinking about sharing it on here for a while and I figured I might as well. So, here it is…
All my life, I have had an identity given to me by those around me. In elementary school I was 'Alien Aubrey', the class clown, given that identity because I was a very strange, out-there little girl. In middle school I was the 'Flower Child', born in the wrong decade and loving everything groovy. In high school, I was the personification of Weird Al's song 'White and Nerdy', lover of theatre, art, science, RPGs, poetry, computer games, and especially Star Trek. Now if you ask my college friends they will tell you that I am 'Mom Aubrey' and 'Nurse Aubrey', because I am very overprotective of all of them and I always have my little bag of medicine, just in case someone needs something.
Along with all of those identities, I have carried with me an identity that not many people have known about. My whole life I have seen myself as 'Depressed Little Aubrey Girl'. Since I can remember, I have been sad. My sadness, my depression, had become part of who I was and as I grew, it grew until it had become all of who I was. My depression became my identity. In those few moments that I felt happy, that I felt I had escaped my depression, I was lost. If I was not hurting on the inside or hurting myself on the inside, I did not know who I was.
Carrying this identity of depression with me led to some very hard times. Beginning in middle school and continuing on into high school and college, I often thought about ending my own life and even came close to trying a few times. I thought that when I graduated high school I would 'grow out of it' and upon entering college I would 'find myself', but I didn't. That sadness remained deeply buried in my heart and I continued to have frequent thoughts of suicide. Even Monday (at CFW) during worship, I was thinking about how easily I could just walk out the sanctuary doors and never come back. But something stopped me, just like something always has.
I went to bed Monday night wrestling with my thoughts. I knew they were completely irrational, but I had no idea how to stop them. I shared this with my chapter on Tuesday night, at the encouragement of my staffworker Derek, and they prayed for me. Later, when I was praying with my other staffworker, Dave, I realized how much my depression had become my identity and I realized that needed to change.
In my track, 'Loving God's Story', we learned about the people of God's Story and who we become when we enter God's Story through Jesus Christ. On Thursday morning, we learned the identities we are given when we accept Christ into our lives and I learned who I am outside of my depression because I am inside God's Story. I am an Adopted Child of God, born again into His family. I am a Daughter of Abraham, called to leave my comfort zone and go to bless others with the love of Christ, I am a Freed Slave, purchased from bondage to sin and death by the blood of Jesus' sacrifice. I am part of the Body of Christ and part of the Temple of God. I am a Princess, daughter of the King of Heaven and Earth. I am a Witness of what a relationship with Christ can do in someone's life, placed on this earth to spread the Good News of our salvation through Jesus Christ. I am not my depression. I am a blessed Follower of Christ who has been turned around late in her midnight hour.
All my life, I have had an identity given to me by those around me. In elementary school I was 'Alien Aubrey', the class clown, given that identity because I was a very strange, out-there little girl. In middle school I was the 'Flower Child', born in the wrong decade and loving everything groovy. In high school, I was the personification of Weird Al's song 'White and Nerdy', lover of theatre, art, science, RPGs, poetry, computer games, and especially Star Trek. Now if you ask my college friends they will tell you that I am 'Mom Aubrey' and 'Nurse Aubrey', because I am very overprotective of all of them and I always have my little bag of medicine, just in case someone needs something.
Along with all of those identities, I have carried with me an identity that not many people have known about. My whole life I have seen myself as 'Depressed Little Aubrey Girl'. Since I can remember, I have been sad. My sadness, my depression, had become part of who I was and as I grew, it grew until it had become all of who I was. My depression became my identity. In those few moments that I felt happy, that I felt I had escaped my depression, I was lost. If I was not hurting on the inside or hurting myself on the inside, I did not know who I was.
Carrying this identity of depression with me led to some very hard times. Beginning in middle school and continuing on into high school and college, I often thought about ending my own life and even came close to trying a few times. I thought that when I graduated high school I would 'grow out of it' and upon entering college I would 'find myself', but I didn't. That sadness remained deeply buried in my heart and I continued to have frequent thoughts of suicide. Even Monday (at CFW) during worship, I was thinking about how easily I could just walk out the sanctuary doors and never come back. But something stopped me, just like something always has.
I went to bed Monday night wrestling with my thoughts. I knew they were completely irrational, but I had no idea how to stop them. I shared this with my chapter on Tuesday night, at the encouragement of my staffworker Derek, and they prayed for me. Later, when I was praying with my other staffworker, Dave, I realized how much my depression had become my identity and I realized that needed to change.
In my track, 'Loving God's Story', we learned about the people of God's Story and who we become when we enter God's Story through Jesus Christ. On Thursday morning, we learned the identities we are given when we accept Christ into our lives and I learned who I am outside of my depression because I am inside God's Story. I am an Adopted Child of God, born again into His family. I am a Daughter of Abraham, called to leave my comfort zone and go to bless others with the love of Christ, I am a Freed Slave, purchased from bondage to sin and death by the blood of Jesus' sacrifice. I am part of the Body of Christ and part of the Temple of God. I am a Princess, daughter of the King of Heaven and Earth. I am a Witness of what a relationship with Christ can do in someone's life, placed on this earth to spread the Good News of our salvation through Jesus Christ. I am not my depression. I am a blessed Follower of Christ who has been turned around late in her midnight hour.