Eowyn gets a new client
Turgon: *goes to Eowyn's place and knocks on the door*
Eowyn: *opens door* Oh, hello, sir.
Turgon: *smiles* Hello again, you're doing well? I hear you've set up that counselling of yours, finally.
Eowyn: Yes, very well, thank you. And thank you again for the house. The counseling is just starting, but I have hopes it will grown. Lady Varda suggested that there's a need for it.
Turgon: *nods* I'm glad you've settled in comfortably. And, I think Varda is very wise. I... actually came to ask you for help.
Eowyn: *wasn't expecting this* Oh, um. Of course, come on in back to the office.
Turgon: Oh, not for me. It's my cousin.
Eowyn: Oh, I see. Which cousin is this?
Turgon: How well do you know my family? It's Maglor.
Eowyn: *chuckles* Well, I know of you all from the history I studied as a child. Maglor - that's the one who has recently become a woman?
Turgon: Yes, that's her. She's not responding to family. Unless we make her really angry, which isn't really how you want Kana... er Maglor. *tries to remind himself not to use family pet names*
Eowyn: ....I can imagine she might need some help. Not responding, you say? What is she doing?
Turgon: Lying in bed, mostly. I think I've seen her pick up her journal once or twice. I did manage to get her to eat today, though.
Eowyn: *considers* That's a good thing, at least. Hmmm. Do you think she'll talk to me?
Turgon: I hope so? I'm kind of hoping that the fact she misses her mother might work in your favour.
Eowyn: *nods* Yes, it might. Okay, shall I come with you?
Turgon: If you're free? My father is currently watching her.
Eowyn: Sure, just a moment while I tell Melly that I'm running out. *steps back in the house and returns in a few moments*
Turgon: *smiles* Thank you. I owe you so much for this. I'm not even sure if she'll respond, but still, thank you. *offers his arm to her, gentlemanly* Come, my dear, I'll take you to her.
Eowyn: *is pleased, as she's missed courtly manners* Thank you, sir.
Turgon: *leads the way* Is there anything you need to know about her before talking to her?
Eowyn: Can you tell me some of what is troubling her? Besides the sudden change into a woman?
Turgon: She hates herself. It's from a lot of different sources, but she's hated herself for a long time. She also, aside from becoming a woman, has recently found out she was pregnant by a man she does not love, and has been rejected by the one she does.
Eowyn: *is familiar with many of these things* Oh dear. The poor thing. It's no wonder she's withdrawing.
Turgon: She may also bring up certain other... family problems. *leads Eowyn up to a door and lets them in* Adar? It's me again, I've brought someone to talk to Kana.
Fingolfin: *comes out from a back room, and nods to them both* I'll leave her to you again, then. Send for me if you need me. *kisses Turgon's brow and offers Eowyn a bow before heading out*
Eowyn: *slightly awestruck by the presence of so many elves*
Turgon: *smiles to his father as he leaves then turns to Eowyn* Let's go see if Kana is willing to talk. *leads her back to Maglor's room*
Maglor: *has taken up her now-familiar position of being curled up on the bed, hugging her pillow with her face pressed against it*
Eowyn: You said she has eaten?
Turgon: I've fed her a sandwich. I don't think she's taken any other food. *goes to sit on the bed next to Maglor* Kana? Look at me, I've brought someone who'd like to talk to you.
Maglor: *looks up just enough to see who's with Turgon but gives him no more than that*
Eowyn: *softly* Hello there. Do you mind if I sit with you a while?
Maglor: *just sort of looks at Eowyn*
Turgon: *frowns* Kana, be polite.
Eowyn: *pulls a chair close to the bed and sit* Sir, would it be possible to bring her some toasted bread, and a glass of milk?
Turgon: I could do that. Let me get that. *heads out to the kitchen*
Maglor: *hugs her pillow tighter*
Eowyn: *softly* I understand you don't want to eat, and I understand why. But you need something in you, so you won't be so weak.
Maglor: *quietly* I don't want to eat.
Eowyn: I know. Let's just have it here in case you change your mind.
Maglor: I won't. I already told Turu. Eating just promotes living.
Eowyn: I understand, I do. But it's a very slow way to kill yourself. And your baby. If that is what you want to do.
Maglor: They won't let me have anything else to do it with.
Turgon: *comes back with the toast and milk on a tray, placing it on the table next to the bed after carefully moving the box Feanor had left there* There's a reason for that.
Eowyn: Why do you want to hurt yourself? *glances pointedly at her arms* You seem to have a good start on it.
Maglor: *clamps her mouth shut, not wanting to talk about that*
Eowyn: *nods* Your family doesn't want you to hurt yourself.
Turgon: Kana. *pets her hair* Do I have to get your brothers in here to sit on you again?
Maglor: *slaps his hand* Leave me alone, Turu. You're no better.
Eowyn: Perhaps, sir, I could talk to her alone?
Turgon: ...that might be best. *kisses Maglor's forehead* Be good. I'll be in the kitchen if you want me. *leaves the room*
Maglor: *glares after him*
Eowyn: The concern is the hardest, isn't it? It always made me angry when someone tried to care for me.
Maglor: *shifts her hand, nails digging into her arm again* I don't want them near me. I'll just hurt them.
Eowyn: Because you are no good at caring for people?
Maglor: Because I'm terrfying. A monster.
Eowyn: *looks her over* You seem more terrified than terrifying to me.
Eowyn: Which you have every right to be.
Maglor: *curls up even more* I'm not stupid. I know that's what they all say about me. Kinslayer, Feanorian... that one with the bad temper. Monster.
Eowyn: A bad temper does not make you a monster. *softly* And everyone has done things that they regret. The important thing is that you *do* regret it. And that's what keeps you from being a monster.
Maglor: I am a monster. You have no idea.
Eowyn: I have some. And I can see that this change....this new body of yours, has made you feel even worse
Maglor: No. I simply had to fight harder. You try being a girl with six brothers.
Eowyn: *wryly* I only had one. And a male cousin. And an uncle, and a court full of men. And then after I married, I had six sons. So I understand that a bit.
Eowyn: It is hard to feel all alone
Maglor: I'm obviously not alone. *defiant, refers to her family which she currently hates*
Eowyn: *chuckles* So I've noticed. But I meant being the only woman among them. Especially in your condition.
Maglor: *perks an eyebrow* What condition?
Eowyn: *considers her answer carefully* In this new body. How are you getting used to it?
Maglor: I've adjusted. It has its uses. I may even like it a bit more than being male.
Eowyn: I always wanted to be a male when I was younger. But I'd imagine the sudden hormones are hard to deal with.
Maglor: ...a little. It's like puberty again.
Eowyn: *smiles at her* Which puberty is worse?
Maglor: Female. Much harder to deal with the random bouts of horniness.
Eowyn: And the breasts must take some getting used to.
Maglor: They're not so bad. Menstruating was a cruel surpise, though.
Eowyn: Oh, and the cramps. *groans sympathetically*
Maglor: *nods* And the sudden influx of chocolate I suddenly got... why does everyone think I'll suddenly like it because I'm female?
Eowyn: Chocolate *does* help with the hormones and the mood swings.
Maglor: No thank you.
Eowyn: Also good: hot compresses and tea with brandy.
Maglor: Russa brings me toffee tarts, sometimes, like nana used to make.
Eowyn: Does that help a bit?
Maglor: Sometimes. As long as he's not a jerk when he does.
Eowyn: *chuckles* Brothers often are. But it's kind of him to try. He obviously cares about you.
Maglor: He just doesn't want me to remind ada that he's fucking Fingon.
Eowyn: *arches an eyebrow* Your cousin, correct?
Maglor: Yeah. My dirty whore of a cousin.
Maglor: *hates him a LOT*
Eowyn: You hate him for sleeping with your brother? Or is that just one reason?
Maglor: I hate him for a lot of reasons... I don't want to talk about them.
Eowyn: You don't have to. But I am here to listen, so if you change your mind....
Maglor: *shakes her head* It's disgusting and filthy.
Eowyn: I grew up in Rohan. I know from disgusting and filthy, you won't shock me. But if you don't want to talk about it now, we can whenever you'd like.
Maglor: Maybe after I kill him.
Eowyn: Do you want to kill your brother as well?
Maglor: Sometimes. But I have more reasons to kill Fingon.
Eowyn: He sounds pretty awful. Have you tried to kill him before?
Maglor: Two days ago... and I couldn't do it. I'm so fucking weak.
Eowyn: What made you stop?
Maglor: I have a... friend who once told me that I would never find satisfaction in revenge. As I sat there, with my sword to Fingon's throat. I. *pauses, bites her lip* I just kept thinking about him when he was a child and how I loved him back then. And I couldn't do it. There wouldn't be any satisfaction. It would just prove again that I'm a monster.
Eowyn: So....you're not quite the monster you think you are, then? If you can remember loving him....
Maglor: *wry* That was almost 3000 years ago. A lot has happened since then.
Eowyn: *chuckles* You are such long - livers. Sometimes *I* feel old, and then I think about elves.
Maglor: My harp is older than you are.
Eowyn: *looks around for a harp* Do you have it here with you?
Maglor: It's in the other room. I... I don't want it near me right now.
Eowyn: Why's that?
Maglor: *looks away* He wrote me music.
Eowyn: *gently* Who?
Maglor: I haven't even told my father, why should I tell you?
Eowyn: I'm an excellent listener?
Eowyn: I won't even say anything. It helps sometimes just to say things out loud.
Maglor: It doesn't matter anyways. He would not take my thanks or my friendship. I'm too terrifying.
Eowyn: Sometimes people have their own reasons or damage, Maglor. It doesn't mean he finds you terrifying.
Maglor: How about the fact that he's told me so to my face?
Eowyn: Okay, well. There's that. Which was hurtful, especially when you already think that of yourself.
Maglor: *small smile, obviously completely infatuated* I pride myself on my ability to be terrifying. It keeps most people away. I just... most people aren't brave enough to say it to my face.
Eowyn: Bravery and honor are important to you, then. Is he an honorable man?
Maglor: He'd say no. But he would say it in such a way to make you believe otherwise. I don't think he even realizes it.
Eowyn: I can understand why he is attractive to you.
Maglor: *nods, sort of fading again as she thinks about how hopeless it is*
Eowyn: *notices* Maglor. You cannot let your feelings for him control your life. You would give up your strength for him?
Maglor: If it could make him happy again. *frowns* I'd be content if I could just win his friendship. I doubt he could ever truly love me.
Eowyn: Changing yourself to make others happy is not a solution. It only makes everyone unhappy in the long term. If he is to love you, or accept your friendship, the responsiblity is on him. You cannot make him, even if you do give up your strength. If he's a man who would want that, he's not an honorable man.
Maglor: It doesn't matter...
Eowyn: It matters to your family. They love you and are worried. It's hurting them to see you hurt.
Maglor: It's not the first time they've seen me hurt... Turu bugs me sometimes about how he always has to babysit me.
Eowyn: He's very fond of you, though.
Maglor: He's my closest friend.
Eowyn: You're hurting him.
Maglor: He's a masochist.
Eowyn: *temporarily distracted by the thought of all the future clients*
Eowyn: Maybe so, but he's in pain seeing you this way. He wants you better.
Maglor: He has his own problems. He shouldn't worry about me.
Eowyn: *shrugs* People who love you worry about you. It's hard to stop them.
Maglor: It doesn't always work that way in my family. We're as likely to kill each other.
Eowyn: Oh, fine, that part is true. But Turgon doesn't seem to feel that way about you.
Maglor: He should...
Eowyn: *gently* You're not worthless, Maglor.
Maglor: But if I had stood up against my father along with Russa, Elenwe might not have had to die...
Eowyn: *nods*
Maglor: Though... I couldn't ever speak against ada.
Eowyn: Can you now?
Maglor: I told him off earlier... *shrugs* I love my ada. I agree with him most of the time. I just wish I had not been forced to take his oath. But, well, you try saying no to my father.
Eowyn: *nods* I understand. But you were forced, you say?
Maglor: Well, all my brothers did it and my father...
Eowyn: And you couldn't say no?
Maglor: Not if I wished to speak to any of them again.
Maglor: Russa...Russa regrets it too
Eowyn: *changes subject* What happened to your arms?
Maglor: My arms? *looks at them* Oh. It's a habit. I don't do it on purpose. Russa always stops me when he catches it.
Eowyn: It looks very painful. What makes you do that?
Maglor: I don't know. Just... when I'm worried or insecure about something. I also touch my other scar sometimes for the same reason.
Eowyn: Hurting yourself helps?
Maglor: I don't do it to hurt myself. Like I said, I'm usually not aware of it unless someone points it out.
Eowyn: *nods* Mmmm. So. How about some toast?
Maglor: *shakes her head*
Eowyn: Milk?
Maglor: Water?
Eowyn: Water, sure. *goes to the door to call for Turgon* But milk is better for the baby.
Maglor: I don't care.
Eowyn: You should. You don't want to have an unhealthy baby.
Maglor: *doesn't really plan on living that long*
Turgon: *comes to the door* You needed something?
Eowyn: Maglor would like some water and.... Maglor, what kind of fruit do you want?
Maglor: None.
Turgon: *grins* She likes peaches.
Eowyn: Bring those, then.
Turgon: *nods* I will. And something else, too. *had an idea, goes to fetch things from the kitchen*
Maglor: I don't want it.
Eowyn: *returns to her seat* You're going to have it, though.
Maglor: No.
Eowyn: Yes. I'm not leaving until I see you eat something. It doesn't matter what, but I would like it to be something you like.
Maglor: ...
Turgon: *returns, with the water, a sliced up peach and a toffee tartlet on a plate* My father had to threaten her before she would eat yesterday.
Eowyn: *smiles at him* Thank you, sir. Maglor, your water. And whatever else you'd like.
Turgon: Not a problem. *smiles to them both* I shall vacate to the kitchen once more.
Maglor: *glares at him for bringing the tart - her favourite - as it's totally cheating*
Eowyn: *nods at her*
Maglor: *crosses her arms* I changed my mind.
Eowyn: Fine. But I'm not leaving until you do.
Maglor: Your loss. *frowns and hides her face in her pillow so she doesn't have to look at the food*
Eowyn *takes her life in her hands and touches Maglor's shoulder gently* Go ahead.
Maglor: *pulls away with a jerk* Do. Not. Fucking. Touch. Me.
Eowyn: *stays calm* Why not?
Maglor: I don't like it.
Eowyn: Why?
Maglor: I just don't.
Eowyn: It hurts you?
Maglor: No. I just don't like being touched.
Eowyn: There must be a reason.
Maglor: Why does there need to be? I don't like to be touched by anyone I don't know well. Period.
Eowyn: Who is allowed to touch you?
Maglor: People I say can.
Eowyn: *holds out her hand* We weren't introduced properly, but I'm Eowyn. I'm here to help you, the best I can. And I want to get to know you better. And maybe that means touch.
Maglor: *cautiously takes Eowyn's hand* We'll see. Eowyn. If you do want to know me better, you should start calling me my proper name and not that Sindarin bastardized version.
Eowyn: What is your proper name?
Maglor: Kanafinwe Makalaure. Most of my family just call me "Kana". It's sort of a joke... because it means commander or lord and I used to be very shy.
Eowyn: Can I go with Kana? The full name is a mouthful. *grins*
Maglor: That's a family tradition, I'm afraid.
Eowyn: Okay, Kanafinwe, then?
Maglor: Oh, Kana is fine. I think only ada uses Kanafinwe still. *usually when she's in trouble*
Eowyn: I am just Eowyn, but I have lots of titles to go with it. *chuckles* You used to be shy? That must have been long ago.
Maglor: Very. Just like how Fingon used to be cute.
Eowyn: And you both changed....
Maglor: Well, centuries pass.
Eowyn: Centuries continue to pass. You could change again.
Maglor: Perhaps. *doesn't really want more*
Eowyn: *softly* Not hate yourself so much, maybe?
Maglor: Probably more. The regret piles on over the centuries.
Eowyn: You could try to do things you'll be proud of, rather than regret.
Maglor: I was proud to follow my father when I did it. Now I look back and see how ugly it was.
Eowyn: You can still be proud of things - your loyalty, your bravery, your strength. We all do things we regret, even within our moments of greatest triumph.
Maglor: I... yeah. Those seem few and far between these days.
Eowyn: You have been through a great deal recently. It's amazing that you're still standing. *wryly* So to speak.. You can cut yourself a little slack.
Maglor: Hmmmn... *not sure what to think on that*
Eowyn: It's okay to have high standards. But not so high that you can't even try to live up to them. And it's okay to forgive yourself for things.
Maglor: Only if those things are forgivable. *subconsiously starts touching the scar on her leg*
Eowyn: Hmmm, think of it this way: if it is understandable, it can often be forgivable.
Maglor: And if they are not?
Eowyn: Then you must learn to live with them. But not punish yourself for them all the time.
Maglor: And if I don't wish to?
Eowyn: Learning to live with our regrets comes with its own kind of pain. It's a change from the pain you're used to, though, and it can be scary to try.
Maglor: It's different for you, though. You can look forward to old age and death. Eru's gift.
Eowyn: Growing old and dying are not things we look forward to very much. *thoughtfully* I don't know that "gift" is the right word for it. Perhaps we each have to deal with the challenges of how we live our lives.
Maglor: *nods*
Eowyn: They're different lives, but lots of similar problems.
Maglor: I suppose so.
Eowyn: I wanted to die myself. Before my natural death, I mean. I wanted to end my life purposely, because it was too painful to consider going on. So. That is not to say I know what you're going through - your pain is your own. But I understand the impulse.
Maglor: I'm old... ancient. It would not be such a loss.
Eowyn: It would be a great loss to Turgon, and your brothers, and your other family.
Maglor: *shrugs* They've gone through this sort of thing many times before.
Eowyn: If they didn't mind losing you, I wouldn't be here.
Maglor: Turu is almost as stubborn as I am, that's all. It's sort of like a competition of sorts in our family.
Eowyn: So you're just going to out-stubborn everyone to death?
Maglor: Possibly. They have uncle Nolo, though, and he usually wins these.
Eowyn: What about your father?
Maglor: He already died once. It's my turn.
Eowyn: There's nothing for you to live for?
Eowyn: At all?
Maglor: An oath I hate? A man who'll never love me. A child I'm not sure I want...
Eowyn: Not sure?
Maglor: If - and that is a very questionable if - this child is born, I can never let them know who their father is. I should not have let that happen.
Eowyn: You wouldn't be the first mother to take that route.
Maglor: Probably not.
Eowyn: I understand you're still on if. But it's still something to live for.
Maglor: I.... *shakes her head* I don't know.
Eowyn: You don't have to decide anything right now. Just consider it.
Maglor: ...I want one of my brothers.
Eowyn: Which one?
Maglor: Russa or Cara. Either. Both.
Maglor: Or the twins, but they're not here.
Eowyn: I can ask Turgon to fetch one of them for you.
Maglor: *nods*
Eowyn: *goes to the door and calls for Turgon*
Turgon: *heads over* Something up?
Eowyn: She'd like one of her brothers. Or both, actually.
Turgon: I'll see what I can do...
Maglor: *smiles a little, looking over at the box her father left for her*
Turgon: It might take some time, I fear.
Eowyn: I can stay while you look for them.
Turgon: *nods* Thank you.