Well, that didn't go quite like I hoped ...
Not that anything this winter has really gone like I planned. I really didn't plan that we'd be shipped back to Albuquerque this year (although don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it here) and don't get me wrong, being only five hours away from Jed makes my life so much better in so many ways. But there were family secrets that were destined to someday come out and this past month, they have. God, they have.
I didn't mean for my sister to find out the truth about me and Jed - at least not this way. Part of me knew it was stupid for me to assume that she wouldn't care, but she was the one who broke off their affair and she never gave him one ounce of expectation that she wanted anything back. Especially once she became his boss. I love my sister, but she manipulates things to make her look the best in any scenario and suddenly she was the jilted, broken lover who was wronged by the whole thing. She had a boyfriend even - though she'd never call him that - until she discovered Jed had me. I love her, but she can be a manipulative, vindictive bitch and she's been that way ever since we were kids. Jenny is the star, Jenny gets what she wants, and when she doesn't, she throws a hissy fit worthy of a US reaction to being invaded by enemy terrorists.
Don't get me wrong. I am the first to admit that I am hardly innocent in any of this. I've spent the last fifteen years married to a man I am too chickenshit to leave and stringing along the one I really love. It makes sense in my head - but it's true that we can justify anything to ourselves. Rationalizations are more important to us than sex, really. (Watch the Big Chill. It's an amazing movie.) I met Jed before I got married. I could have said no. I could have returned the wedding dress and forfieted the deposit on the reception and even reclaimed the money we'd put down on the house we bought right after we signed the damned wedding certificate. I'm not innocent. I went out a week after my honeymoon and found myself in Jed's arms. When Jen and Jed were partnered together, I didn't say boo. In fact, I wanted to make damned sure my sister was happy so I actually pushed them together. Hell, I was pregnant with Andrew and determined that I'd make my life work and I'd just be the silent, suffering martyr and watch my sister and the man I love more than anything else in the world (other than my kids) run off into the sunset together. Why? See my above comments about Jenny. Also, she was happy and Jenny doesn't get a lot of time for happy.
But she left him. And sitting back now, she'll justify things in so many different ways, not the least of which was that female agents weren't promoted in those days so being married and "burdened with kids" just didn't do it for her. But she left him because she knew they'd kill each other. They don't have a relationship, they have tantrums that are worked out through really amazing sex. They were, at one time, best friends but I still don't know if she knows about Kris and what he went through after she died. And if she does and she still treats him the way she does, then she doesn't get it and she doesn't get him and moreso,she doesn't deserve him. If knowing about Kris, she still wants to be the queen in his world and she won't dare even be counted in the same room as a ghost who will never truly leave him be, then she's not the same sister I used to sit up nights with, dreaming about everything.
Wow this is a venting brain dump of nothingness that makes no sense to anyone I am sure.
But she called tonight. For the first time in months. I knew that Jen knew. Jen confronted Jed about it - she saw us in Salt Lake together. But she hadn't talked to me. Not about anything - including the thing I'm still not supposed to know about but I do. She called tonight and I'd never heard her so cold and tired. We stuttered through things, she kept saying she didn't want to know but she did so I gave her the basics. How we met. How long it's been going on. But then she asked about Alexander and I couldn't lie to her. If the truth is going to come out, it needs to come out. Ugly parts and all. So yes, I confirmed that Alex is most definitely Jed's. You don't need a DNA test to see it. I also confirmed that I am leaving Charles but I just don't know when or how. Not yet. It's complicated. It always has been. Charles isn't bad ... he's just bad for me. But he loves the boys and you'd have to be an idiot to miss how much he adores Andrew. But I need out. I need to do for me for the first time in my life. I just have to fix things with Jed. Being told that he's my drug and I never meant anything I said to him because he's my drug ... I broke his heart with words that were nothing but lies. My head says we have a long way to go but my heart knows he's already forgiven me and that dwelling on it will only hurt us in the long run. He put me on the spot and I fled rather than fought for us. But I'm fighting for us now. Even if it means losing my sister, I am fighting for us now.
What makes it hard, honestly, is that I know Jen is sick. They didn't discover the cancer until almost too late and now she has a battle ahead of her and I want to be there with her because I know she's strong enough to beat it. But when she asked me tonight, "Why can't you just wait until I'm dead?" Something snapped in me. I'm not waiting until she's dead to find my own peace and my own heart. And if that's what it takes for her to be happy - me sacrificing everything until she's dead - then what the hell are we doing here anyway?
That's where it all ended. What bothers me the most is that she seems like she's given up already. Cancer isn't the end of everything. But it's like she's just done now. That scares me. All some doctor needs to tell her is that she can't beat it and she will. But she also ... she's been told she can't have Jed. Now her world will revolve around getting him back.
He's stuck in Vegas indefinitely and don't think this isn't planned. Jen knows exactly what she's doing. Them alone together, late nights ... I'm just terrified as to what she'll do when she doesn't get what she wants. See my above comments.
My three calls to Jed have gone unanswered. I'm trying not to panic. I know he's busy. But I need to talk to him and he isn't answering and as a result, my mind has gone to the worst places possible and I can't talk to anyone. So I'm here, venting to an anynmous internet, wondering exactly what I should do next.