(no subject)
EEEEEEEeeeeeeewww.....
These are the days I wish I could go back to instantly forgetting them upon awakening, only slightly feeling remnents of their being.
I went to a party that Caitlin and Morgan were throwing. Well, Paul and I both went but then suddenly Paul left me there. {This made me uneasy instantaniasly, reminding me of when I was dating my triple ex and he would always leave me behind to do drugs while his friends took advantage of me. The next day calling me a slut and blablabla.} All of a sudden I realized that everyone was tripping on acid. This also made me uneasy, but I told myself Paul would be back anytime now, and went into a closet to smoke a joint. I was drinking kool-aid. When I came out of the closet things were all squirming and bright, I was under the impression that I was experiencing more than just a pot high...As I walked around the house, everyone was in their own little worlds drinking and smoking and laying lazily on the dirty floor, painting crazy shit on peeling wallpapered walls. I was possitive now that I had been slipped some acid. Some girl I didn't know came up to me and started babbling about herself. When she paused I rubbed my belly and said, "Well, I'm pregnant." As soon as those words exited my lips I felt overwelmed with shame...She gave me a dirty creepy look of disapproval at my desicion to do such dangerous drugs while carrying a child. I couldn't explain that I didn't rightly choose to.
Of course we all know that while tripping you must be very careful as to where you let your mind wander, and this was most defenitley not going to help me cruise through the trip without a major breakdown. I knew this, but still how could I NOT think about the damage I was doing to my unborn son????? I started looking for Caitlin. Hoping I could find her and explain what was going on. Vent a little, and I don't know what. But once I found her, I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else what had happened. I couldn't. I didn't want the entire house freaking out. So I called Paul and told him I had been dosed. He assured me that I was not tripping, and that there was nothing to worry about. I pleaded to him to come and get me, telling him I knew that I was under the influence of some major hallucinogenics and was scared out of my mind. He refused. He refused also to tell me where he was and what he was doing. I hung up in despair.
I was stuck. There was no way I could leave this house alone under these conditions...There was no getting this shit out of my system. If I continued to worry I imagined I would kill myself.
So I picked up a brown bottled beer and asked Morgan to bum a smoke. Then I said, oh never mind, I've got one around here somewhere, and started picking through wet cigarettes rolling around on the floor. I finally caught one, it was a menthol, and it was very soggy. I smoked it anyway. And then Morgan and I went into the bathroom to stare at the tub drain and talk about birds. A blonde girl came in and was rolling around on the floor giggling, pouring can after can of beer down her throat and all over her body. I looked and was a bit shocked to notice she was also pregnant.
Then it actually gets a bit hazy, there is alot of typical tripping behaviour and I smoke cigarettes like a fiend. At some point the blonde yells at me for drinking while I'm pregnant [I'm actually still drinking the first beer, and do not have another] and I laugh at her and remind her that she was just doing so. She laughs and dismisses it. I smoke more cigarettes.
When we all start coming down, there is only about 5 er so of us left and we're all laying sprawled out on what seems to be the livingroom floor. Caitlin keeps whining and bitching at Morgan to bring her things. Morgan is blonde and just throws things at her instead. Alison is there and her boyfriend, who doesn't seem to be Eric.
Alisson and her boy are getting up to go to the store and then home, and Caitlin gets up because she is going to go to the store and pick up a candy bar. As they are getting up, I watch them leave and as I'm doing so I notice that Morgan has painted on a piece of cardboard some words, saying he has a crush on me. I sit up instantly and look straight at Caitlin who also just noticed the sign. She is furious and sits back down against the wall. Morgan tells her she's too demanding and he's over her. I feel like crying. I don't know what to do. I want to escape, but I also want to comfort Caitlin and talk to Morgan about what he's doing. But I know Caitlin wants nothing to do with me as she glares at me and starts yelling at Morgan. I am very surprised at her actions but assume that they must be left over acid reflex [hehe] because I know how much Morgan means to her and how much she has revolved her everything around him for the past two years and would expect her to be sad but she is saying things like she's over him too, and putting him down. Then she starts gathering her things from round the house. I want to tell her all we did was talk about birds, but I know it would be of no use. And I am frozen.
I ask Morgan for another cigarette. I look at him and remind him I am not only with Paul, but having his baby as well. He sees no issue with any of that. And tells me he is not worried about me staying with Paul. Caitlin walks through in a huff and high heels and throws something at Morgan before she slams out the door. I hate myself ten times more than I did at the begining of the trip and am sure that somehow all of this is truely my fault.
I consider leaving right behind her, but decide I need to talk to Morgan. Which is pointless, because neither of us are in a good state to be rational and then there is an angry little mob at the front door. Allison is in the lead and everyone is pissed that I "stole Morgan from Caitlin". We go to the door, and step out on to these crazy tall stairs like the ones on the back of tall old buildings, black rod iron...Morgan announces something and everyone boos. I am really spaced out and dazed. All I know is that all of these people hate me and my boyfriend is m.i.a
I tell Morgan I can't do this, and crawl down the stairs. My mother is there and says something about Morgan's shorts which are cut-off jeans daisy duke style. Says they are shorter than mine ever were when I was younger. I look back and agree. Then I call paul again and tell him what has happened. He misunderstands, or just chooses to be angry. And basically tells me that he is never coming back.
My mother takes me to her apartment and starts fixing me pancakes and tacos. I am now ranting about the whole situation and then some. I start crying and telling her I can't raise this baby. I can't have it. She says, its a breeze, it didnt even hurt the four times she did it. I tell her I'm not talking about the birth, and remind her she had c-sections for all four of us. I am going to give birth and just give it to her, and she can take care of it. I say I'm just not ready for this. Then I realize there is no way that I could let my mother raise the child either. And start trying to explain to her how she fucked all of us kids up, and that I don't want to do that. And am positive that I will if I am raising it on my own. Then I decide I'll just get an abortion, even though the thought of all of this is really distrubing me, because I had already made a connection with the baby, and was previously so excited to be pregnant and getting to be a mom. I just can't stand the thought of having Paul's child without Paul.
My mom says she will give me her apartment and I can live there with the babe. We go to talk to the landlady and I ask her if they are hiring at the restaurant that her daughter works at. I am ready to take on the responsibilty of being a hard working single mom. She says yes. But then asks me where I was planning on having the baby. I tell her I wanted to give birth at home, but she is inside a freezer looking out at me and shakes her head no way. So I say, well Paul's sister in law said I could use her jacuzzi tub and sleep in her bed over night if all else failed.
We go back up to the apartment and Morgan is outside throwing stones at the sliding glass door. I look out and tell him I can't talk right now.
Then I go back into the living room and start freaking out again. I am convinced there is no way that I can have this baby. I am just going to abort it, or maybe I'll throw myself down the stairs and look online to find a way to kill it on my own. I am convinced that killing it would be better than bringing it into this world to be raised by me, an irresponsible, insane young girl who hurts everyone she meets. And I am convinced that he would be so screwed up from the acid that his life wouldn't be worth living anyway. I also decide that since Paul wants nothing to do with me, and Caitlin hates me, but Morgan is so adiment that I might as well run away with him and do drugs for the rest of my life. Then I get the notion that this was all Morgan's plan..he gave me the acid.
My Aunt Kimmie shows up with her youngest baby boy and I am telling my mom again that some people just do more harm than good when they choose to be parents. Like you and Stuart I say. And she is still baffled. I look at my Aunt and then back at my mom...I start crying and tell her I don't ever want to be like them, they ruined all four of us. My aunt starts crying, but my mother still refuses to believe. My aunt gives me her baby, and I coo at him..he's so precious. I remember how much I have always loved children, and couldn't wait to have my own. But am sad because i just can't stand the thought of it anymore...Without Paul, I have no reason to be a good person, and am positive I would hurt my child.
Then I wake up and Mosis is whining to go outside and my bladder is whining to go to the toilet. I want to just ignore them both so I can drift back into dreams and replace the last one with something happier, but Mosis is persistant. I reluctantly throw on my robe, and trudge up the stairs...we relieve ourselves, and I am pretty sure that even if I did go back to sleep this would be one of those nights where I just pick up where I left off and start dreaming the same wretched dream again anyway. So I choose to purge the awful scene in this here journal. I can't say I feel any better about the whole dream happenings but I am happy for once that dreams are not reality. I am happy that i could wake up and be free.
These are the days I wish I could go back to instantly forgetting them upon awakening, only slightly feeling remnents of their being.
I went to a party that Caitlin and Morgan were throwing. Well, Paul and I both went but then suddenly Paul left me there. {This made me uneasy instantaniasly, reminding me of when I was dating my triple ex and he would always leave me behind to do drugs while his friends took advantage of me. The next day calling me a slut and blablabla.} All of a sudden I realized that everyone was tripping on acid. This also made me uneasy, but I told myself Paul would be back anytime now, and went into a closet to smoke a joint. I was drinking kool-aid. When I came out of the closet things were all squirming and bright, I was under the impression that I was experiencing more than just a pot high...As I walked around the house, everyone was in their own little worlds drinking and smoking and laying lazily on the dirty floor, painting crazy shit on peeling wallpapered walls. I was possitive now that I had been slipped some acid. Some girl I didn't know came up to me and started babbling about herself. When she paused I rubbed my belly and said, "Well, I'm pregnant." As soon as those words exited my lips I felt overwelmed with shame...She gave me a dirty creepy look of disapproval at my desicion to do such dangerous drugs while carrying a child. I couldn't explain that I didn't rightly choose to.
Of course we all know that while tripping you must be very careful as to where you let your mind wander, and this was most defenitley not going to help me cruise through the trip without a major breakdown. I knew this, but still how could I NOT think about the damage I was doing to my unborn son????? I started looking for Caitlin. Hoping I could find her and explain what was going on. Vent a little, and I don't know what. But once I found her, I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else what had happened. I couldn't. I didn't want the entire house freaking out. So I called Paul and told him I had been dosed. He assured me that I was not tripping, and that there was nothing to worry about. I pleaded to him to come and get me, telling him I knew that I was under the influence of some major hallucinogenics and was scared out of my mind. He refused. He refused also to tell me where he was and what he was doing. I hung up in despair.
I was stuck. There was no way I could leave this house alone under these conditions...There was no getting this shit out of my system. If I continued to worry I imagined I would kill myself.
So I picked up a brown bottled beer and asked Morgan to bum a smoke. Then I said, oh never mind, I've got one around here somewhere, and started picking through wet cigarettes rolling around on the floor. I finally caught one, it was a menthol, and it was very soggy. I smoked it anyway. And then Morgan and I went into the bathroom to stare at the tub drain and talk about birds. A blonde girl came in and was rolling around on the floor giggling, pouring can after can of beer down her throat and all over her body. I looked and was a bit shocked to notice she was also pregnant.
Then it actually gets a bit hazy, there is alot of typical tripping behaviour and I smoke cigarettes like a fiend. At some point the blonde yells at me for drinking while I'm pregnant [I'm actually still drinking the first beer, and do not have another] and I laugh at her and remind her that she was just doing so. She laughs and dismisses it. I smoke more cigarettes.
When we all start coming down, there is only about 5 er so of us left and we're all laying sprawled out on what seems to be the livingroom floor. Caitlin keeps whining and bitching at Morgan to bring her things. Morgan is blonde and just throws things at her instead. Alison is there and her boyfriend, who doesn't seem to be Eric.
Alisson and her boy are getting up to go to the store and then home, and Caitlin gets up because she is going to go to the store and pick up a candy bar. As they are getting up, I watch them leave and as I'm doing so I notice that Morgan has painted on a piece of cardboard some words, saying he has a crush on me. I sit up instantly and look straight at Caitlin who also just noticed the sign. She is furious and sits back down against the wall. Morgan tells her she's too demanding and he's over her. I feel like crying. I don't know what to do. I want to escape, but I also want to comfort Caitlin and talk to Morgan about what he's doing. But I know Caitlin wants nothing to do with me as she glares at me and starts yelling at Morgan. I am very surprised at her actions but assume that they must be left over acid reflex [hehe] because I know how much Morgan means to her and how much she has revolved her everything around him for the past two years and would expect her to be sad but she is saying things like she's over him too, and putting him down. Then she starts gathering her things from round the house. I want to tell her all we did was talk about birds, but I know it would be of no use. And I am frozen.
I ask Morgan for another cigarette. I look at him and remind him I am not only with Paul, but having his baby as well. He sees no issue with any of that. And tells me he is not worried about me staying with Paul. Caitlin walks through in a huff and high heels and throws something at Morgan before she slams out the door. I hate myself ten times more than I did at the begining of the trip and am sure that somehow all of this is truely my fault.
I consider leaving right behind her, but decide I need to talk to Morgan. Which is pointless, because neither of us are in a good state to be rational and then there is an angry little mob at the front door. Allison is in the lead and everyone is pissed that I "stole Morgan from Caitlin". We go to the door, and step out on to these crazy tall stairs like the ones on the back of tall old buildings, black rod iron...Morgan announces something and everyone boos. I am really spaced out and dazed. All I know is that all of these people hate me and my boyfriend is m.i.a
I tell Morgan I can't do this, and crawl down the stairs. My mother is there and says something about Morgan's shorts which are cut-off jeans daisy duke style. Says they are shorter than mine ever were when I was younger. I look back and agree. Then I call paul again and tell him what has happened. He misunderstands, or just chooses to be angry. And basically tells me that he is never coming back.
My mother takes me to her apartment and starts fixing me pancakes and tacos. I am now ranting about the whole situation and then some. I start crying and telling her I can't raise this baby. I can't have it. She says, its a breeze, it didnt even hurt the four times she did it. I tell her I'm not talking about the birth, and remind her she had c-sections for all four of us. I am going to give birth and just give it to her, and she can take care of it. I say I'm just not ready for this. Then I realize there is no way that I could let my mother raise the child either. And start trying to explain to her how she fucked all of us kids up, and that I don't want to do that. And am positive that I will if I am raising it on my own. Then I decide I'll just get an abortion, even though the thought of all of this is really distrubing me, because I had already made a connection with the baby, and was previously so excited to be pregnant and getting to be a mom. I just can't stand the thought of having Paul's child without Paul.
My mom says she will give me her apartment and I can live there with the babe. We go to talk to the landlady and I ask her if they are hiring at the restaurant that her daughter works at. I am ready to take on the responsibilty of being a hard working single mom. She says yes. But then asks me where I was planning on having the baby. I tell her I wanted to give birth at home, but she is inside a freezer looking out at me and shakes her head no way. So I say, well Paul's sister in law said I could use her jacuzzi tub and sleep in her bed over night if all else failed.
We go back up to the apartment and Morgan is outside throwing stones at the sliding glass door. I look out and tell him I can't talk right now.
Then I go back into the living room and start freaking out again. I am convinced there is no way that I can have this baby. I am just going to abort it, or maybe I'll throw myself down the stairs and look online to find a way to kill it on my own. I am convinced that killing it would be better than bringing it into this world to be raised by me, an irresponsible, insane young girl who hurts everyone she meets. And I am convinced that he would be so screwed up from the acid that his life wouldn't be worth living anyway. I also decide that since Paul wants nothing to do with me, and Caitlin hates me, but Morgan is so adiment that I might as well run away with him and do drugs for the rest of my life. Then I get the notion that this was all Morgan's plan..he gave me the acid.
My Aunt Kimmie shows up with her youngest baby boy and I am telling my mom again that some people just do more harm than good when they choose to be parents. Like you and Stuart I say. And she is still baffled. I look at my Aunt and then back at my mom...I start crying and tell her I don't ever want to be like them, they ruined all four of us. My aunt starts crying, but my mother still refuses to believe. My aunt gives me her baby, and I coo at him..he's so precious. I remember how much I have always loved children, and couldn't wait to have my own. But am sad because i just can't stand the thought of it anymore...Without Paul, I have no reason to be a good person, and am positive I would hurt my child.
Then I wake up and Mosis is whining to go outside and my bladder is whining to go to the toilet. I want to just ignore them both so I can drift back into dreams and replace the last one with something happier, but Mosis is persistant. I reluctantly throw on my robe, and trudge up the stairs...we relieve ourselves, and I am pretty sure that even if I did go back to sleep this would be one of those nights where I just pick up where I left off and start dreaming the same wretched dream again anyway. So I choose to purge the awful scene in this here journal. I can't say I feel any better about the whole dream happenings but I am happy for once that dreams are not reality. I am happy that i could wake up and be free.