Anything-Can-Happen-August (2/?)
So the time has come to update. I sincerely hope you like where I'm taking this - although I myself don't yet know where our favourite twosome will end up. As usual, comments are appreciated - okay - I ADORE comments! And when David Goetsch (Co-executive Producer of TBBT) tweets about your fanfic - on your birthday - OMG how much better does life get? I was so thrilled - you cannot even imagine! Thanks to irrel for bringing it to my notice. Enjoy!
Title: Anything-Can-Happen-August (2/?)
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: R (just to be safe - since I don’t know where this will go yet)
Word Count: 4,717
Disclaimer: Not mine... although I still wish I had my own Sheldon *sigh*
X-Posted: Paradox http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/439183.html
August 1, 2011
“Holy crap on a cracker.” Sheldon Cooper blanched as he read an email from an old friend.
“Sheldon?” Leonard inquired with concern. “Did I hear you right? I thought you said...”
“Never mind what I said, Leonard!” He stood abruptly, practically flailing and looking remarkably like an absurd flamingo... on crack. “This changes everything! This is crazy - my God! Who would have thought? Well, obviously, I did - I’m always thinking - but I didn’t think I would be right!” He babbled incoherently before looking at Leonard in desperation. “I have to talk to Penny about Michael.”
“Sheldon,” Leonard sighed. “Buddy, we’ve gone over this again and again. She’s marrying Michael and nothing any of us can say will stop her.”
“This has to.” Sheldon hurriedly printed out the email, closed his laptop and stuffed it into his messenger bag. He was out the door before Leonard could say a word.
“Penny was right,” the other person in the room pointed out. “He is one serious whack-a-doodle.”
Leonard threw a scathing look at Katherine Sawyer - Penny’s older, and now divorced sister. She slightly resembled Penny, but at some point in her life, she had decided to become a redhead. She had the green eyes that seemed to run in the family, and the hair colour suited her. In fact, she was quite a striking woman - if only she wasn’t so abrasive. Leonard could not remember the last time he had taken an immediate dislike to a person so... well, immediately.
“That is my best friend you’re referring to - and he happens to care very deeply for your sister.”
“Well, then why the hell is it taking him so long to do something about it?” Katherine asked snidely. “I didn’t think anyone could be a bigger chicken than you.”
“Hey!”
“Well, it took you forever to try and get something going with Penny, and then you just gave up,” she grinned maliciously at him. “Which is good - ‘cause she’s too much woman for you. She’d eat you alive.”
“You know,” Leonard grimaced, “I really, really don’t like you.”
“Jeez, I’m heartbroken.” She rolled her eyes, but the derisive look on her face suddenly disappeared and was replaced by a genuine smile as her daughter walked into the room.
“Hi, baby.”
“Hi, Mommy,” Mandy chirped brightly, before turning to Leonard shyly. “Hi, Leonard.”
“Hello, Mandy,” he paused uncertainly. The child was wearing a ridiculously girly, frothy pink concoction of a dress. “Er... You look pretty.”
“Thanks. I’m Princess Petunia today. See my Petunia Penny Blossom?” She pointed to her head.
“It’s lovely.”
“Raj helped me make it,” she smiled bashfully up at him. “I made you one too.”
“You... you did?” Leonard was flustered and embarrassed and didn’t quite know where to look or how to react as she yanked him by the shirt down to her level and pinned the Penny Blossom on his shirt.
“Now we match.”
“Aww,” Leonard chuckled. “That’s sweet. Thank you, Mandy.” The he blushed horribly as she kissed him on the cheek, and then skipped from the room. Leonard couldn’t even look a very amused Katherine in the eye.
“Loser,” she scoffed. “Even Mandy’s too much woman for you,” she teased bending down to his level. “And she’s five! Poor little Leonard!” And with that, she nudged his shoulder slightly, and he overbalanced, tumbling over onto his butt.
“Oh, real mature, Kate!” He mumbled as he got up and dusted off his jeans. She was leaning down in his face in two seconds flat.
“Don’t call me Kate.”
“Kate,” he taunted. “Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Ka... Ufff!”
He was still doubled over in pain when Howard and Raj walked in on him ten minutes later.
***
Knock. Knock. Knock. “Penny”
Knock. Knock. Knock. “Penny”
Knock. Knock. Knock. “Penny”
“What do you want, Sheldon?” Penny didn’t waste any time getting to the point as she threw open her bedroom door. Sheldon pushed the door open and walked in uninvited, leaving Penny to roll her eyes and continue to hold the door open.
“You might want to shut the door,” Sheldon pointed out, “what I have to say is confidential and concerns a certain fiancé of yours.”
“Oh, come on, Sheldon!” Penny huffed as she slammed the door shut, stalked over to her bed and sat down. She glared at him as he gingerly sat down beside her, and then turned his earnest blue gaze on her.
“Penny, have you been crying?”
“No!”
“You have! Your eyes are red, your skin is blotchy, your nose is shiny...”
“All right! God - you are so annoying!” Penny exhaled in a huff. “It’s nothing. It’s just pre-wedding stress.”
“I don’t think you would have pre-wedding stress if you were marrying the right man.”
“Well, Sheldon,” Penny started in a dangerous voice as she leaned her face menacingly into his, “I guess we’ll never know because the right man is too much of a coward to ask me!” His gaze immediately skittered away from hers as he stood abruptly.
“Let’s talk about the wrong man, shall we?”
“Oh, what now? You’ve already come up with: he’s a compulsive gambler, he’s mentally unstable, he’s too stupid, he’s unemployed, he may be gay, he has no friends, he has lousy fashion sense - which, by the way, is rich coming from you...”
“He’s a criminal.”
“Sheldon! I’ve really had it with your baseless accusations!”
“I have a friend who works for the FBI, and I had him do a background check. Michael Ciccone has a criminal record. In fact, he’s even served time for grand theft auto.”
“You have really sunk to new depths!”
“Penny, I’m serious!”
“So am I, Sheldon,” she stood and went to open the door. “Get out!”
“But...”
“Strike three, Sheldon!” Penny screeched at him, shoving him out the door. “I hereby banish you from my wedding!”
***
August 4, 2011
Penny walked into the Cheesecake Factory on California Street in Omaha. It was where her wedding reception was to take place tomorrow night.
Yeah, her wedding reception. At the Cheesecake Factory.
Her life sucked. Just sucked. And the universe was mocking her at every opportunity it got.
She sniffled and blinked rapidly to dissipate the tears that were welling in her eyes. It was ridiculous - she thought. Every instinct was telling her that this wedding was a mistake, but the big day was tomorrow and she still hadn’t actually worked up the nerve to talk to Michael about it.
Not that he would understand. He would not take her rejection well - in fact, she was glad she was at home, surrounded by her family, when she told him. Which had to be today. It just had to be.
And to top it all off, she had gone and banished Sheldon, and so the one person she wanted to talk to more than anyone else right now had taken himself off to God-knows-where because banishment was something he took seriously.
Whack-a-doodle.
She decided to stop thinking about Sheldon and instead focus on how to tell Mike their wedding was off. She knew Mike’s uncle and cousins had offered to take care of all the arrangements for the reception and that he was meeting his family here this afternoon - in fact, their cars were parked outside. She would just wait to get Mike alone to talk to him.
She walked through the deserted restaurant - it had closed early so that the staff could decorate it and prep the food for the reception - until she heard voices in the back. She was just about to call out to Mike when a hand clamped over her mouth. Its twin encircled her waist as she was bodily hauled into a janitor’s closet.
Penny was so surprised - not to mention terrified - that, for a minute, she froze. It wasn’t until she was inside the closet and the door closed quietly behind her, essentially locking her in the dark with her attacker, that she instinctively went into survival mode. She stamped on her attacker’s instep and heard a muttered squeak of pain. The arms holding her whirled her around before she could elbow him in the solar plexus, but the hand over her mouth stayed in place.
“Penny, relax! It’s just me - Sheldon Cooper,” a deep hoarse voice whispered in her ear.
She stamped on his foot again - harder this time. Sheldon whimpered and his hand slipped from her mouth. She was so mad, she sucked in a deep breath before letting it rip.
“Shel-mmpfff!”
She froze in complete and utter shock as his mouth clamped down on hers, effectively silencing her.
And there, in the janitor’s closet of a Cheesecake Factory in Omaha, Nebraska, Sheldon Cooper kissed Penny Sawyer for the first time.
It was hard, it was unforgiving, it was... bliss.
Sheldon lifted his head, panting slightly, and again covered her mouth with his hand. “Now, will you be quiet and listen to me?”
She was sorely tempted to bite his hand, but instead she forcibly pulled it and growled at him.
“Son of a bitch, Sheldon,” she whispered fiercely, “you scared the living daylights out of me! What the hell are you doing here? And why did you just kiss me?”
“I followed Michael and his so-called family here. I think they’re planning something illegal. I overheard a little bit of their conversation, but I didn’t catch any details. And to shut you up.”
Penny fought a colossal urge to slug him. If only she could see him.
“Sheldon, are you insane?” She asked in an angry undertone. “You need to stop this, right now! Come on, we’re leaving.”
“No,” he argued vehemently. “They have guns, Penny!”
“What?”
“Why would anyone bring guns to a wedding?”
“Sheldon, we’re in Nebraska!”
“There’s something unlawful going on here - I don’t want you involved in it!” He sounded desperate. “What if you were to get hurt? God - I would never forgive myself!” The sincere anguish in his voice effectively caused her anger to dissipate.
“Oh, honey...”
“Shhh! They’re coming this way! Good Lord - did you park your car out front?”
“No, my car’s in the shop - I took the bus...”
Just then footsteps sounded nearby. Sheldon and Penny stood immobilized, both unconsciously gripping each other.
“All right, boys, that takes care of all the little details. I think we’re gonna pull this off. Boo-yah!” Male laughter abounded. “Oh, hey Bobby, I forgot to ask - did you get the honeymoon tickets to Mexico?” Penny heard Michael ask his cousin.
“Done, boss.”
“All right, Uncle Gus took care of all the paperwork - passports? Right, Uncle Gus?”
“Yeah, and I had Louie check that her dress was delivered this morning.”
“Good, good - I hope she likes it. This is very important to me, boys. She’s my ticket to a better life.”
“She’s our ticket to a better life,” Uncle Gus emphasized.
“Rico - make sure you keep an eye on her men of honour - jeez, what a joke! That tall, skinny one especially, he’s up to something. I just wish I knew what. Take him out if you have to - I don’t think anyone will miss him... much!” Mike guffawed, and the others chimed in.
In the closet, steps away from where those men stood, Sheldon bristled but otherwise kept silent. Penny squeezed his arm, as if to reassure him that he would be missed.
“Things are looking up, boys,” Uncle Gus muttered. “By this time next week, we’ll be rolling in the dough in Mexico!” There was a general chorus of approval.
“One last thing, though,” Mike warned as the men passed the closet on their way out of the restaurant, “one whiff of the cops, one tiny sound of a siren - and all bets are off - we’re switching to Plan B. Capiche?”
“Got it, boss.”
“Aight. Let’s blow this joint.”
Penny and Sheldon stood in that closet long after they heard all the cars roar out of the restaurant parking lot. Finally, Sheldon let her go and opened the door.
“Okay,” Penny began once they were out of the restaurant and had walked to a nearby bus stop. “I have to admit - it did sound like they were planning something illegal. Although - it’s mostly conjecture at this point.”
“Penny, they threatened to take me out! And I don’t think they meant for a nice meal,” Sheldon protested, and Penny giggled.
“Oh, you think it’s funny that I may very well be in mortal peril?”
“Sheldon, you are such a drama queen!” Penny huffed. “Everyone who knows you has threatened your life in one way or another - heck, I’ve lost count how many times I’ve wanted to wring that sexy neck of yours!” She gulped as she heard the words come out of her mouth, and was grateful to see a bus pull up to the stop. She grabbed Sheldon by the arm - before he could launch into a whole spiel about the unsanitary conditions of public transit vehicles - and dragged him onto the bus.
“Well!” Sheldon muttered as they found a seat at the back of the bus, “forgive me if I take their threats a little more seriously, considering they’re all carrying semi-automatic weapons on their person!”
“We need a plan, Sheldon. I can’t marry, Michael!”
“Oh,” Sheldon turned to look at her, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Okay - we’ll come up with a plan.”
“How about we run away?”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah - we get in my car and just drive somewhere far, far away.”
“The same car that’s in the shop? That’s not a very meticulous plan, Penny.”
“All right, genius, then you come up with something better!”
“Fine - I will! Is this our stop?”
“Oh yeah - it is,” Penny stood and they got off about two blocks from her home.
They walked in silence, Sheldon obviously furiously plotting away in his head. Occasionally his hand would shoot out to write something in the air.
Penny shook her head in disbelief, wondering how and when and where and why she had lost her heart to this man.
But lost her heart she had, and even though she knew Sheldon had feelings for her too, it wasn’t enough for her, was it? Was he the type of man who would be able to love her the way she needed to be loved? Was Michael? The answer to the latter was a vehement negative, but with Sheldon - she just wasn’t sure - of anything.
Except for one thing: that all was right in her world when she was with him.
And maybe that was all that really mattered.
He smiled as he held the opened her front door and held it for her to enter the house ahead of him. She unintentionally brushed against him as she did, and his hand shot out unexpectedly to grasp hers. He leaned down from behind her, bringing his mouth close to her ear, his lips brushing her earlobe as he spoke softly. The movement - and the timbre of his voice - sent shivers down her spine.
“So you think I’m sexy, huh?”
Penny’s head lolled back against his shoulder, her eyes closed as a silly smile lit up her face.
“You just couldn’t let that slide, could you?”
His arms briefly wound themselves around her body - almost as if he couldn’t resist the urge any longer - and she revelled in his warmth for the few seconds it lasted. He pressed a kiss to her temple before releasing her and moving away. At the foot of the stairs, he turned to her, his gaze hooded - and very definitely sexy.
“Pack - we’ll leave as soon as we can make a clean getaway.”
She nodded and was about to follow him up the stairs when her sister Samantha waylaid her. Thinking she had time for packing later, she indulged Sam’s excited request to spend some quality time with her big sister.
She was still waiting for an opportunity to slip away to pack a few hours later. First, it had been Sam, and then her sister Katherine, and then Leonard, her parents - everyone seemed to want time to talk to her. It was sweet and would have been really poignant if she had actually been planning on getting married the next day. However, considering the fact that she was instead planning on running away - the night before her wedding - it was making her feel really, really guilty.
And she still couldn’t get away.
Finally claiming that she needed her beauty sleep, she escaped upstairs to her bedroom. She hastily threw a few clothes into a backpack and stuffed it into the back of her closet. She then tiptoed to the guestroom Sheldon shared with the boys.
“Penny - what took you so long?” Sheldon whispered as she walked in and closed the door behind her.
“I couldn’t get away, sorry!”
“Are you ready to go now?”
“I’m packed but we can’t leave yet. Mom and my sisters are in the kitchen chatting, and Dad’s talking to the guys out on the porch. They’ve essentially blocked our exits.”
“I guess we’ll have to wait until everyone’s asleep.”
“I guess.”
“I just remembered something Michael said, about having a Plan B,” Sheldon had his calculating face on. “We should have a Plan B.”
“You’re right - what if we can’t getaway tonight?” Penny mused. “Jeez - and it’ll be impossible to get away tomorrow morning - this place will be a madhouse and the wedding’s at ten.”
“We’ll have to stop the wedding somehow,” Sheldon reflected.
“The movies!” Penny exclaimed after mulling over her limited options for a few minutes. “We’ll do it like they do it in the movies!”
“I don’t follow. There aren’t a lot of wedding scenes in science fiction movies.”
“Whack-a-doodle,” Penny rolled her eyes. “All right, Sheldon - I’m going to tell you exactly what to do. It may be the best way for us to make a clean getaway and lay low for a while. Capiche?”
“Whatever you say, boss.”
***
August 5, 2011
“Well, at least we’ve got a full tank of gas,” Penny commented as they hit the interstate.
“Of course we do. I specifically mentioned it to the rental agent.”
“And you couldn’t have specifically mentioned it to me?”
“You didn’t specifically ask me." Sheldon intoned logically. “You asked if I personally checked the gas tank. I did not. But I assumed the rental agent did.”
“God! It just never gets easy does it?”
“What never gets easy?”
“Oh... nothing,” she shimmied in the seat, readjusting her dress. “Sheldon, I need to get out of this dress.”
“We don’t have a moment to spare, Penny, we have to make it to the state line in time.”
“In time for what?”
“In time to keep to my schedule.”
“Right, your schedule,” she remarked, with a glance at her side-view mirror as she changed lanes. “You know, it was kind of a good idea to get the Winnebago to accommodate my dress, but it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous getaway vehicle.”
“Penny, Penny, Penny,” he huffed superciliously. “You didn’t seriously expect me to use the restrooms at gas stations, did you?” Penny blinked at him before turning her eyes back to the road.
“Oh, of course, it’s all about Sheldon,” she said, mouth pursed and words dripping with sarcasm, “what could I have been thinking?”
“Based on your limited intelligence, any number of insignificant things.”
Penny took a deep, deep breath in but otherwise held her tongue. As they continued on in silence for a few minutes, she tried valiantly to ignore how uncomfortable it was to drive in her damn dress. She looked down at herself. The rhinestone-studded bustier-like top half was pretty-ish but the... froth that comprised her skirt was hideous. Trust Michael - the dress had been a gift from him - not to understand her tastes at all. What the hell had she been thinking?
Thank God for Sheldon.
Now, there’s something she’d never thought she’d ever hear herself say... or think, rather, but he had just saved her from ruining her life.
Suddenly, she couldn’t take wearing the dress for even one second longer.
“Sheldon, grab the wheel. This dress is coming off now!”
“Whaaaat?!” Sheldon nearly jumped out of his seat - luckily he was buckled in. He looked manic. “Penny, I don’t drive.”
“I’m not asking you to drive, Sheldon. Just hold the damn wheel straight for a few seconds.” Penny was already fumbling with the zipper on the side of her dress.
“Penny!” Sheldon shrieked. “You can’t undress in the middle of a highway! Are you naked under that? I don’t see how that dress could possibly conceal any type of upper-body undergarment.” He gulped loudly, and looked - well - petrified. Penny snorted.
“Relax, prude! I have a demi-bra on, plus a slip - just in case you’re wondering about my lower-body undergarments.”
Sheldon made a strange choking noise, and Penny almost doubled up in laughter.
“Sheldon, I’m letting go now,” Penny momentarily released the steering wheel, just to see what he would do. She wasn’t disappointed. Undoing his seatbelt in a flash - or like the Flash, she thought with a smirk - he pounced on the wheel with both hands, actually managing to hold the vehicle steady.
Huh.
Apparently, Sheldon worked well under pressure. He had a death grip on the wheel as he bent at the knees to brace himself, his bony shoulder inches from her nose. He took his eyes off the road for a split second to throw a death glare her way.
“Penny, if you were really that desperate, we could have pulled over for a few minutes, you know! It wouldn’t be the first time you wrecked havoc on my schedules.”
“If we stop, Sheldon, Michael and his goons will catch up with us.”
“What?” The wheel almost slid out of his hands, and Penny steadied it until he tightened his grip.
“You remember Uncle Gus, right?”
“The man built like one of those ridiculous wrestlemania Neanderthals?”
“Uh-huh, that’s his car behind us,” she nodded at the driver’s side mirror. "They’ve been on our tail for the past ten minutes.”
“And you didn’t think to tell me this?” He again momentarily dragged his gaze off the road to glower at her.
“You didn’t think to ask,” she grinned at him, “you know, specifically.”
Penny pushed the bodice of her dress down to her waist, and lifted her hips off the driver’s seat so she could push the dress down her body. The change in position caused her chest to brush against Sheldon’s arm and he turned to glare at her again.
Then he froze, his eyes fixed on her... bra. Oh, all right - it was a strapless, white satin Wonderbra, Penny thought, smothering her laughter. It did things to her breasts that defied gravity and logic and accentuated all the positives and well... there really weren’t any negatives to speak of.
“The road, Sheldon! Focus!” She laughed quietly as his head whipped around to face forward again. Finally free of her dress, she thrust it towards the passenger seat. “Toss that in the back, will ya? I’ll take the wheel.”
Sheldon quietly did as she asked, and then buckled himself back into his seat, all the while studiously avoiding looking in her direction.
“Er... Penny?”
“What?”
“People can see you. Lots of you.”
“Well, I don’t think any of them would complain about the view, Sheldon.”
“I wouldn’t call it complaining, per se...”
“So you’re not complaining, then?” she asked with a mischievous grin. Sheldon looked supremely flustered and Penny decided to take pity on him.
This time.
The sudden movement of the dark sedan in her side-view mirror startled her. “Holy crap, they’re gaining on us!”
“No need to worry...”
“No need to worry? Sheldon - have you lost your mind?” Penny changed lanes and increased her speed. The black car behind them followed suit. “Crap, crap, crap! It’s gonna be hard to lose them in this... this Sherman tank!”
“Penny, I think you should slow down...”
“And I think you should leave the driving to me.”
“We really don‘t need...”
“Brace yourself, Sheldon,” she yelled as she saw Uncle Gus’ car come up right on their back bumper, “it’s time for evasive manoeuvres!” She stepped on the gas and the massive vehicle lurched forward.
“No evasive manoeuvres! No evasive manoeuvres!” He shrieked, bracing himself against the dashboard.
Penny, who had grown up driving a tractor every summer at her uncle’s ranch, was completely at ease weaving the Winnebago in between the other traffic on the interstate. Adrenaline pumped through her veins. “Yeehaaaw!”
“Penny!”
“Shut up, Sheldon! I think I’m losing them! Hah - they can’t keep up with me!” Penny did a double take at her mirror. The car trailing them was actually slowing down. “Why are they slowing down? What a bunch of wussies! Why would they be slowing down?” She looked at Sheldon, completely perplexed.
“Probably because they’re running out of gas.”
“What? How would you know that?”
“Uncle Gus’ tank is almost empty. The increased speed they were currently employing in trying to keep up with you, coupled with the distance they’ve already travelled, is directly proportional to the cubic volume of their gas tank and indicates to me that their gas supply is severely depleted.”
“Oh yeah - you can write a dissertation on the level of gas in their tank but you couldn’t check ours?”
“Do you know the twin boys who live next door to your parents?”
“Huh?”
“Jim and Johnny Mason?”
“Well, yeah, Sheldon - I’ve known them since they were kids - but what the hell do they have to do with this conversation?”
“They shared our... disapproval of Michael.” Penny shot him an arch look. “It was actually surprisingly easy to get them to go around the parking lot while we were all inside and siphon the gas from cars that belonged to anyone from Michael’s side. Luckily there were only five.”
“You just never cease to amaze me,” she looked at him with renewed respect. “How did you get them to do that? Seriously - how much money did you have to shell out?”
“None - I just had Samantha ask them - they’d do anything for her.” He shot her a smug smile and then quickly averted his eyes again. “And she didn’t much care for Michael either.”
“I get it, Sheldon! Mike was a jerk and I was the only one too blind to see it. I’m stupid, you’re smart. Happy now?” Penny said sulkily.
“I’m not unhappy, and you’re not stupid.”
Penny was always amazed by how he could get her to loathe him and love him all in the same second.
“Thanks, Sheldon.” Then, seeing an exit coming up, she turned to him. “Okay, sweetie - which way?”
“Take the 75 into Kansas.” Sheldon glanced at her as he spoke and then hurriedly looked away, huffing impatiently. As Penny made sure she was in the right lane, he unbuckled himself and moved to the back of the vehicle. She could hear him rummaging around, only to return a few seconds later. He tossed her a t-shirt and voluntarily took hold of the wheel. Penny smothered a grin.
“In the interest of road safety, Penny, I suggest you put that on.”
“In the interest of road safety, huh?”
“I’d rather not have distracted drivers crashing into us, thank you very much.”
“I’m more interested in distracted passengers,” Penny told him, tugging the t-shirt - Sheldon’s old Flash one - over her head. It was soft and smelled like Sheldon, who always smelled like detergent. She gave him a peck on the cheek. He looked at her, both relieved and startled. It was an odd combination for a facial expression. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now drive.” He let go of the wheel. “We have to be there by nightfall.”
“Be where? You still haven’t told me anything about your end of our great escape plan!”
“We’re going to the only place I can keep you safe, Penny,” he looked at her with such a serious expression that her heart constricted in her chest. “We’re going home.”
“Sweetie, this is not the way to Pasadena.” She was surprised that was his destination; it was the first logical place Mike would look.
“No. My home. We’re going to Texas.”
***
Title: Anything-Can-Happen-August (2/?)
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: R (just to be safe - since I don’t know where this will go yet)
Word Count: 4,717
Disclaimer: Not mine... although I still wish I had my own Sheldon *sigh*
X-Posted: Paradox http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/439183.html
August 1, 2011
“Holy crap on a cracker.” Sheldon Cooper blanched as he read an email from an old friend.
“Sheldon?” Leonard inquired with concern. “Did I hear you right? I thought you said...”
“Never mind what I said, Leonard!” He stood abruptly, practically flailing and looking remarkably like an absurd flamingo... on crack. “This changes everything! This is crazy - my God! Who would have thought? Well, obviously, I did - I’m always thinking - but I didn’t think I would be right!” He babbled incoherently before looking at Leonard in desperation. “I have to talk to Penny about Michael.”
“Sheldon,” Leonard sighed. “Buddy, we’ve gone over this again and again. She’s marrying Michael and nothing any of us can say will stop her.”
“This has to.” Sheldon hurriedly printed out the email, closed his laptop and stuffed it into his messenger bag. He was out the door before Leonard could say a word.
“Penny was right,” the other person in the room pointed out. “He is one serious whack-a-doodle.”
Leonard threw a scathing look at Katherine Sawyer - Penny’s older, and now divorced sister. She slightly resembled Penny, but at some point in her life, she had decided to become a redhead. She had the green eyes that seemed to run in the family, and the hair colour suited her. In fact, she was quite a striking woman - if only she wasn’t so abrasive. Leonard could not remember the last time he had taken an immediate dislike to a person so... well, immediately.
“That is my best friend you’re referring to - and he happens to care very deeply for your sister.”
“Well, then why the hell is it taking him so long to do something about it?” Katherine asked snidely. “I didn’t think anyone could be a bigger chicken than you.”
“Hey!”
“Well, it took you forever to try and get something going with Penny, and then you just gave up,” she grinned maliciously at him. “Which is good - ‘cause she’s too much woman for you. She’d eat you alive.”
“You know,” Leonard grimaced, “I really, really don’t like you.”
“Jeez, I’m heartbroken.” She rolled her eyes, but the derisive look on her face suddenly disappeared and was replaced by a genuine smile as her daughter walked into the room.
“Hi, baby.”
“Hi, Mommy,” Mandy chirped brightly, before turning to Leonard shyly. “Hi, Leonard.”
“Hello, Mandy,” he paused uncertainly. The child was wearing a ridiculously girly, frothy pink concoction of a dress. “Er... You look pretty.”
“Thanks. I’m Princess Petunia today. See my Petunia Penny Blossom?” She pointed to her head.
“It’s lovely.”
“Raj helped me make it,” she smiled bashfully up at him. “I made you one too.”
“You... you did?” Leonard was flustered and embarrassed and didn’t quite know where to look or how to react as she yanked him by the shirt down to her level and pinned the Penny Blossom on his shirt.
“Now we match.”
“Aww,” Leonard chuckled. “That’s sweet. Thank you, Mandy.” The he blushed horribly as she kissed him on the cheek, and then skipped from the room. Leonard couldn’t even look a very amused Katherine in the eye.
“Loser,” she scoffed. “Even Mandy’s too much woman for you,” she teased bending down to his level. “And she’s five! Poor little Leonard!” And with that, she nudged his shoulder slightly, and he overbalanced, tumbling over onto his butt.
“Oh, real mature, Kate!” He mumbled as he got up and dusted off his jeans. She was leaning down in his face in two seconds flat.
“Don’t call me Kate.”
“Kate,” he taunted. “Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Ka... Ufff!”
He was still doubled over in pain when Howard and Raj walked in on him ten minutes later.
***
Knock. Knock. Knock. “Penny”
Knock. Knock. Knock. “Penny”
Knock. Knock. Knock. “Penny”
“What do you want, Sheldon?” Penny didn’t waste any time getting to the point as she threw open her bedroom door. Sheldon pushed the door open and walked in uninvited, leaving Penny to roll her eyes and continue to hold the door open.
“You might want to shut the door,” Sheldon pointed out, “what I have to say is confidential and concerns a certain fiancé of yours.”
“Oh, come on, Sheldon!” Penny huffed as she slammed the door shut, stalked over to her bed and sat down. She glared at him as he gingerly sat down beside her, and then turned his earnest blue gaze on her.
“Penny, have you been crying?”
“No!”
“You have! Your eyes are red, your skin is blotchy, your nose is shiny...”
“All right! God - you are so annoying!” Penny exhaled in a huff. “It’s nothing. It’s just pre-wedding stress.”
“I don’t think you would have pre-wedding stress if you were marrying the right man.”
“Well, Sheldon,” Penny started in a dangerous voice as she leaned her face menacingly into his, “I guess we’ll never know because the right man is too much of a coward to ask me!” His gaze immediately skittered away from hers as he stood abruptly.
“Let’s talk about the wrong man, shall we?”
“Oh, what now? You’ve already come up with: he’s a compulsive gambler, he’s mentally unstable, he’s too stupid, he’s unemployed, he may be gay, he has no friends, he has lousy fashion sense - which, by the way, is rich coming from you...”
“He’s a criminal.”
“Sheldon! I’ve really had it with your baseless accusations!”
“I have a friend who works for the FBI, and I had him do a background check. Michael Ciccone has a criminal record. In fact, he’s even served time for grand theft auto.”
“You have really sunk to new depths!”
“Penny, I’m serious!”
“So am I, Sheldon,” she stood and went to open the door. “Get out!”
“But...”
“Strike three, Sheldon!” Penny screeched at him, shoving him out the door. “I hereby banish you from my wedding!”
***
August 4, 2011
Penny walked into the Cheesecake Factory on California Street in Omaha. It was where her wedding reception was to take place tomorrow night.
Yeah, her wedding reception. At the Cheesecake Factory.
Her life sucked. Just sucked. And the universe was mocking her at every opportunity it got.
She sniffled and blinked rapidly to dissipate the tears that were welling in her eyes. It was ridiculous - she thought. Every instinct was telling her that this wedding was a mistake, but the big day was tomorrow and she still hadn’t actually worked up the nerve to talk to Michael about it.
Not that he would understand. He would not take her rejection well - in fact, she was glad she was at home, surrounded by her family, when she told him. Which had to be today. It just had to be.
And to top it all off, she had gone and banished Sheldon, and so the one person she wanted to talk to more than anyone else right now had taken himself off to God-knows-where because banishment was something he took seriously.
Whack-a-doodle.
She decided to stop thinking about Sheldon and instead focus on how to tell Mike their wedding was off. She knew Mike’s uncle and cousins had offered to take care of all the arrangements for the reception and that he was meeting his family here this afternoon - in fact, their cars were parked outside. She would just wait to get Mike alone to talk to him.
She walked through the deserted restaurant - it had closed early so that the staff could decorate it and prep the food for the reception - until she heard voices in the back. She was just about to call out to Mike when a hand clamped over her mouth. Its twin encircled her waist as she was bodily hauled into a janitor’s closet.
Penny was so surprised - not to mention terrified - that, for a minute, she froze. It wasn’t until she was inside the closet and the door closed quietly behind her, essentially locking her in the dark with her attacker, that she instinctively went into survival mode. She stamped on her attacker’s instep and heard a muttered squeak of pain. The arms holding her whirled her around before she could elbow him in the solar plexus, but the hand over her mouth stayed in place.
“Penny, relax! It’s just me - Sheldon Cooper,” a deep hoarse voice whispered in her ear.
She stamped on his foot again - harder this time. Sheldon whimpered and his hand slipped from her mouth. She was so mad, she sucked in a deep breath before letting it rip.
“Shel-mmpfff!”
She froze in complete and utter shock as his mouth clamped down on hers, effectively silencing her.
And there, in the janitor’s closet of a Cheesecake Factory in Omaha, Nebraska, Sheldon Cooper kissed Penny Sawyer for the first time.
It was hard, it was unforgiving, it was... bliss.
Sheldon lifted his head, panting slightly, and again covered her mouth with his hand. “Now, will you be quiet and listen to me?”
She was sorely tempted to bite his hand, but instead she forcibly pulled it and growled at him.
“Son of a bitch, Sheldon,” she whispered fiercely, “you scared the living daylights out of me! What the hell are you doing here? And why did you just kiss me?”
“I followed Michael and his so-called family here. I think they’re planning something illegal. I overheard a little bit of their conversation, but I didn’t catch any details. And to shut you up.”
Penny fought a colossal urge to slug him. If only she could see him.
“Sheldon, are you insane?” She asked in an angry undertone. “You need to stop this, right now! Come on, we’re leaving.”
“No,” he argued vehemently. “They have guns, Penny!”
“What?”
“Why would anyone bring guns to a wedding?”
“Sheldon, we’re in Nebraska!”
“There’s something unlawful going on here - I don’t want you involved in it!” He sounded desperate. “What if you were to get hurt? God - I would never forgive myself!” The sincere anguish in his voice effectively caused her anger to dissipate.
“Oh, honey...”
“Shhh! They’re coming this way! Good Lord - did you park your car out front?”
“No, my car’s in the shop - I took the bus...”
Just then footsteps sounded nearby. Sheldon and Penny stood immobilized, both unconsciously gripping each other.
“All right, boys, that takes care of all the little details. I think we’re gonna pull this off. Boo-yah!” Male laughter abounded. “Oh, hey Bobby, I forgot to ask - did you get the honeymoon tickets to Mexico?” Penny heard Michael ask his cousin.
“Done, boss.”
“All right, Uncle Gus took care of all the paperwork - passports? Right, Uncle Gus?”
“Yeah, and I had Louie check that her dress was delivered this morning.”
“Good, good - I hope she likes it. This is very important to me, boys. She’s my ticket to a better life.”
“She’s our ticket to a better life,” Uncle Gus emphasized.
“Rico - make sure you keep an eye on her men of honour - jeez, what a joke! That tall, skinny one especially, he’s up to something. I just wish I knew what. Take him out if you have to - I don’t think anyone will miss him... much!” Mike guffawed, and the others chimed in.
In the closet, steps away from where those men stood, Sheldon bristled but otherwise kept silent. Penny squeezed his arm, as if to reassure him that he would be missed.
“Things are looking up, boys,” Uncle Gus muttered. “By this time next week, we’ll be rolling in the dough in Mexico!” There was a general chorus of approval.
“One last thing, though,” Mike warned as the men passed the closet on their way out of the restaurant, “one whiff of the cops, one tiny sound of a siren - and all bets are off - we’re switching to Plan B. Capiche?”
“Got it, boss.”
“Aight. Let’s blow this joint.”
Penny and Sheldon stood in that closet long after they heard all the cars roar out of the restaurant parking lot. Finally, Sheldon let her go and opened the door.
“Okay,” Penny began once they were out of the restaurant and had walked to a nearby bus stop. “I have to admit - it did sound like they were planning something illegal. Although - it’s mostly conjecture at this point.”
“Penny, they threatened to take me out! And I don’t think they meant for a nice meal,” Sheldon protested, and Penny giggled.
“Oh, you think it’s funny that I may very well be in mortal peril?”
“Sheldon, you are such a drama queen!” Penny huffed. “Everyone who knows you has threatened your life in one way or another - heck, I’ve lost count how many times I’ve wanted to wring that sexy neck of yours!” She gulped as she heard the words come out of her mouth, and was grateful to see a bus pull up to the stop. She grabbed Sheldon by the arm - before he could launch into a whole spiel about the unsanitary conditions of public transit vehicles - and dragged him onto the bus.
“Well!” Sheldon muttered as they found a seat at the back of the bus, “forgive me if I take their threats a little more seriously, considering they’re all carrying semi-automatic weapons on their person!”
“We need a plan, Sheldon. I can’t marry, Michael!”
“Oh,” Sheldon turned to look at her, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Okay - we’ll come up with a plan.”
“How about we run away?”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah - we get in my car and just drive somewhere far, far away.”
“The same car that’s in the shop? That’s not a very meticulous plan, Penny.”
“All right, genius, then you come up with something better!”
“Fine - I will! Is this our stop?”
“Oh yeah - it is,” Penny stood and they got off about two blocks from her home.
They walked in silence, Sheldon obviously furiously plotting away in his head. Occasionally his hand would shoot out to write something in the air.
Penny shook her head in disbelief, wondering how and when and where and why she had lost her heart to this man.
But lost her heart she had, and even though she knew Sheldon had feelings for her too, it wasn’t enough for her, was it? Was he the type of man who would be able to love her the way she needed to be loved? Was Michael? The answer to the latter was a vehement negative, but with Sheldon - she just wasn’t sure - of anything.
Except for one thing: that all was right in her world when she was with him.
And maybe that was all that really mattered.
He smiled as he held the opened her front door and held it for her to enter the house ahead of him. She unintentionally brushed against him as she did, and his hand shot out unexpectedly to grasp hers. He leaned down from behind her, bringing his mouth close to her ear, his lips brushing her earlobe as he spoke softly. The movement - and the timbre of his voice - sent shivers down her spine.
“So you think I’m sexy, huh?”
Penny’s head lolled back against his shoulder, her eyes closed as a silly smile lit up her face.
“You just couldn’t let that slide, could you?”
His arms briefly wound themselves around her body - almost as if he couldn’t resist the urge any longer - and she revelled in his warmth for the few seconds it lasted. He pressed a kiss to her temple before releasing her and moving away. At the foot of the stairs, he turned to her, his gaze hooded - and very definitely sexy.
“Pack - we’ll leave as soon as we can make a clean getaway.”
She nodded and was about to follow him up the stairs when her sister Samantha waylaid her. Thinking she had time for packing later, she indulged Sam’s excited request to spend some quality time with her big sister.
She was still waiting for an opportunity to slip away to pack a few hours later. First, it had been Sam, and then her sister Katherine, and then Leonard, her parents - everyone seemed to want time to talk to her. It was sweet and would have been really poignant if she had actually been planning on getting married the next day. However, considering the fact that she was instead planning on running away - the night before her wedding - it was making her feel really, really guilty.
And she still couldn’t get away.
Finally claiming that she needed her beauty sleep, she escaped upstairs to her bedroom. She hastily threw a few clothes into a backpack and stuffed it into the back of her closet. She then tiptoed to the guestroom Sheldon shared with the boys.
“Penny - what took you so long?” Sheldon whispered as she walked in and closed the door behind her.
“I couldn’t get away, sorry!”
“Are you ready to go now?”
“I’m packed but we can’t leave yet. Mom and my sisters are in the kitchen chatting, and Dad’s talking to the guys out on the porch. They’ve essentially blocked our exits.”
“I guess we’ll have to wait until everyone’s asleep.”
“I guess.”
“I just remembered something Michael said, about having a Plan B,” Sheldon had his calculating face on. “We should have a Plan B.”
“You’re right - what if we can’t getaway tonight?” Penny mused. “Jeez - and it’ll be impossible to get away tomorrow morning - this place will be a madhouse and the wedding’s at ten.”
“We’ll have to stop the wedding somehow,” Sheldon reflected.
“The movies!” Penny exclaimed after mulling over her limited options for a few minutes. “We’ll do it like they do it in the movies!”
“I don’t follow. There aren’t a lot of wedding scenes in science fiction movies.”
“Whack-a-doodle,” Penny rolled her eyes. “All right, Sheldon - I’m going to tell you exactly what to do. It may be the best way for us to make a clean getaway and lay low for a while. Capiche?”
“Whatever you say, boss.”
***
August 5, 2011
“Well, at least we’ve got a full tank of gas,” Penny commented as they hit the interstate.
“Of course we do. I specifically mentioned it to the rental agent.”
“And you couldn’t have specifically mentioned it to me?”
“You didn’t specifically ask me." Sheldon intoned logically. “You asked if I personally checked the gas tank. I did not. But I assumed the rental agent did.”
“God! It just never gets easy does it?”
“What never gets easy?”
“Oh... nothing,” she shimmied in the seat, readjusting her dress. “Sheldon, I need to get out of this dress.”
“We don’t have a moment to spare, Penny, we have to make it to the state line in time.”
“In time for what?”
“In time to keep to my schedule.”
“Right, your schedule,” she remarked, with a glance at her side-view mirror as she changed lanes. “You know, it was kind of a good idea to get the Winnebago to accommodate my dress, but it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous getaway vehicle.”
“Penny, Penny, Penny,” he huffed superciliously. “You didn’t seriously expect me to use the restrooms at gas stations, did you?” Penny blinked at him before turning her eyes back to the road.
“Oh, of course, it’s all about Sheldon,” she said, mouth pursed and words dripping with sarcasm, “what could I have been thinking?”
“Based on your limited intelligence, any number of insignificant things.”
Penny took a deep, deep breath in but otherwise held her tongue. As they continued on in silence for a few minutes, she tried valiantly to ignore how uncomfortable it was to drive in her damn dress. She looked down at herself. The rhinestone-studded bustier-like top half was pretty-ish but the... froth that comprised her skirt was hideous. Trust Michael - the dress had been a gift from him - not to understand her tastes at all. What the hell had she been thinking?
Thank God for Sheldon.
Now, there’s something she’d never thought she’d ever hear herself say... or think, rather, but he had just saved her from ruining her life.
Suddenly, she couldn’t take wearing the dress for even one second longer.
“Sheldon, grab the wheel. This dress is coming off now!”
“Whaaaat?!” Sheldon nearly jumped out of his seat - luckily he was buckled in. He looked manic. “Penny, I don’t drive.”
“I’m not asking you to drive, Sheldon. Just hold the damn wheel straight for a few seconds.” Penny was already fumbling with the zipper on the side of her dress.
“Penny!” Sheldon shrieked. “You can’t undress in the middle of a highway! Are you naked under that? I don’t see how that dress could possibly conceal any type of upper-body undergarment.” He gulped loudly, and looked - well - petrified. Penny snorted.
“Relax, prude! I have a demi-bra on, plus a slip - just in case you’re wondering about my lower-body undergarments.”
Sheldon made a strange choking noise, and Penny almost doubled up in laughter.
“Sheldon, I’m letting go now,” Penny momentarily released the steering wheel, just to see what he would do. She wasn’t disappointed. Undoing his seatbelt in a flash - or like the Flash, she thought with a smirk - he pounced on the wheel with both hands, actually managing to hold the vehicle steady.
Huh.
Apparently, Sheldon worked well under pressure. He had a death grip on the wheel as he bent at the knees to brace himself, his bony shoulder inches from her nose. He took his eyes off the road for a split second to throw a death glare her way.
“Penny, if you were really that desperate, we could have pulled over for a few minutes, you know! It wouldn’t be the first time you wrecked havoc on my schedules.”
“If we stop, Sheldon, Michael and his goons will catch up with us.”
“What?” The wheel almost slid out of his hands, and Penny steadied it until he tightened his grip.
“You remember Uncle Gus, right?”
“The man built like one of those ridiculous wrestlemania Neanderthals?”
“Uh-huh, that’s his car behind us,” she nodded at the driver’s side mirror. "They’ve been on our tail for the past ten minutes.”
“And you didn’t think to tell me this?” He again momentarily dragged his gaze off the road to glower at her.
“You didn’t think to ask,” she grinned at him, “you know, specifically.”
Penny pushed the bodice of her dress down to her waist, and lifted her hips off the driver’s seat so she could push the dress down her body. The change in position caused her chest to brush against Sheldon’s arm and he turned to glare at her again.
Then he froze, his eyes fixed on her... bra. Oh, all right - it was a strapless, white satin Wonderbra, Penny thought, smothering her laughter. It did things to her breasts that defied gravity and logic and accentuated all the positives and well... there really weren’t any negatives to speak of.
“The road, Sheldon! Focus!” She laughed quietly as his head whipped around to face forward again. Finally free of her dress, she thrust it towards the passenger seat. “Toss that in the back, will ya? I’ll take the wheel.”
Sheldon quietly did as she asked, and then buckled himself back into his seat, all the while studiously avoiding looking in her direction.
“Er... Penny?”
“What?”
“People can see you. Lots of you.”
“Well, I don’t think any of them would complain about the view, Sheldon.”
“I wouldn’t call it complaining, per se...”
“So you’re not complaining, then?” she asked with a mischievous grin. Sheldon looked supremely flustered and Penny decided to take pity on him.
This time.
The sudden movement of the dark sedan in her side-view mirror startled her. “Holy crap, they’re gaining on us!”
“No need to worry...”
“No need to worry? Sheldon - have you lost your mind?” Penny changed lanes and increased her speed. The black car behind them followed suit. “Crap, crap, crap! It’s gonna be hard to lose them in this... this Sherman tank!”
“Penny, I think you should slow down...”
“And I think you should leave the driving to me.”
“We really don‘t need...”
“Brace yourself, Sheldon,” she yelled as she saw Uncle Gus’ car come up right on their back bumper, “it’s time for evasive manoeuvres!” She stepped on the gas and the massive vehicle lurched forward.
“No evasive manoeuvres! No evasive manoeuvres!” He shrieked, bracing himself against the dashboard.
Penny, who had grown up driving a tractor every summer at her uncle’s ranch, was completely at ease weaving the Winnebago in between the other traffic on the interstate. Adrenaline pumped through her veins. “Yeehaaaw!”
“Penny!”
“Shut up, Sheldon! I think I’m losing them! Hah - they can’t keep up with me!” Penny did a double take at her mirror. The car trailing them was actually slowing down. “Why are they slowing down? What a bunch of wussies! Why would they be slowing down?” She looked at Sheldon, completely perplexed.
“Probably because they’re running out of gas.”
“What? How would you know that?”
“Uncle Gus’ tank is almost empty. The increased speed they were currently employing in trying to keep up with you, coupled with the distance they’ve already travelled, is directly proportional to the cubic volume of their gas tank and indicates to me that their gas supply is severely depleted.”
“Oh yeah - you can write a dissertation on the level of gas in their tank but you couldn’t check ours?”
“Do you know the twin boys who live next door to your parents?”
“Huh?”
“Jim and Johnny Mason?”
“Well, yeah, Sheldon - I’ve known them since they were kids - but what the hell do they have to do with this conversation?”
“They shared our... disapproval of Michael.” Penny shot him an arch look. “It was actually surprisingly easy to get them to go around the parking lot while we were all inside and siphon the gas from cars that belonged to anyone from Michael’s side. Luckily there were only five.”
“You just never cease to amaze me,” she looked at him with renewed respect. “How did you get them to do that? Seriously - how much money did you have to shell out?”
“None - I just had Samantha ask them - they’d do anything for her.” He shot her a smug smile and then quickly averted his eyes again. “And she didn’t much care for Michael either.”
“I get it, Sheldon! Mike was a jerk and I was the only one too blind to see it. I’m stupid, you’re smart. Happy now?” Penny said sulkily.
“I’m not unhappy, and you’re not stupid.”
Penny was always amazed by how he could get her to loathe him and love him all in the same second.
“Thanks, Sheldon.” Then, seeing an exit coming up, she turned to him. “Okay, sweetie - which way?”
“Take the 75 into Kansas.” Sheldon glanced at her as he spoke and then hurriedly looked away, huffing impatiently. As Penny made sure she was in the right lane, he unbuckled himself and moved to the back of the vehicle. She could hear him rummaging around, only to return a few seconds later. He tossed her a t-shirt and voluntarily took hold of the wheel. Penny smothered a grin.
“In the interest of road safety, Penny, I suggest you put that on.”
“In the interest of road safety, huh?”
“I’d rather not have distracted drivers crashing into us, thank you very much.”
“I’m more interested in distracted passengers,” Penny told him, tugging the t-shirt - Sheldon’s old Flash one - over her head. It was soft and smelled like Sheldon, who always smelled like detergent. She gave him a peck on the cheek. He looked at her, both relieved and startled. It was an odd combination for a facial expression. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now drive.” He let go of the wheel. “We have to be there by nightfall.”
“Be where? You still haven’t told me anything about your end of our great escape plan!”
“We’re going to the only place I can keep you safe, Penny,” he looked at her with such a serious expression that her heart constricted in her chest. “We’re going home.”
“Sweetie, this is not the way to Pasadena.” She was surprised that was his destination; it was the first logical place Mike would look.
“No. My home. We’re going to Texas.”
***