The Civilization of Sheldon Cooper (2/6)
Well, it appears that this fic wants out of my head in a bad way. So here’s the next part. The third is almost done too - I’m thinking this won’t be too long. Enjoy and as always - comments feed the plot bunnies! Y
Title: The Civilization of Sheldon Cooper (2/?)
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: T
Word Count: 3,014
Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine... I only stake my claim on the plot... and maybe Sheldon, if I can get him.
X-Posted to Paradox: http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/469313.html
Part Two
Sheldon laughing - freely and animatedly - was a sight to behold, Penny thought as she blinked in surprise. His face lit up and his eyes crinkled up at the corners in an adorable way, while his mouth stretched into a wide grin that was nowhere near creepy.
In fact, his unaffected laughter humanized him in a way she had never witnessed in the entire four years that she had known him.
He stood at the kitchen counter, completely distracted by the woman he was talking to, both of them facing each other as if they were somehow the only two people on the planet.
It took Penny all of ten seconds to study the woman and draw her conclusions. Obviously this was the scientist Leonard had mentioned, the one Sheldon had wanted to question after the seminar. She certainly didn’t look like any scientist Penny had seen - although admittedly, she could only base her comparison on Leslie Winkle and Sheldon’s psycho ex-grad student.
Penny’s perusal started at the woman’s shoes - high-heeled, sleek, strappy pumps that did fabulous things for her ankles and calves; her charcoal skirt-suit, which she had paired with a rosé silk blouse, was elegant and fashionable, and showcased her curvy figure without being overtly sexy. Her long dark blonde hair was lustrous in the overhead lights of the kitchen, and she had it pulled up into a jaunty ponytail. She wore some sort of designer glasses - corrective - but Penny couldn’t tell much about her looks from where she stood. Overall, Penny realized, the woman before her epitomized a sense of style that Penny couldn’t pull off in a million years.
And she had made Sheldon laugh.
“You have a rather eclectic sense of humour, Cass,” Sheldon, his Texan accent sounding a little more noticeable than usual, told her flirtatiously.
Penny paused. Sheldon - flirting? Did he even realize he was flirting? Did he even know what flirting was? Or what it meant? What it led to? She felt her protective instincts rise to the forefront, and she braced herself to step in to help Sheldon if it appeared that he needed her.
“You say that as if you think wit and intellect are mutually exclusive, Sheldon.”
Penny’s shoulders slumped slightly. A small part of her had really hoped that maybe the woman would have a squeaky voice or something - but no, she sounded cultured and demure.
“You haven’t witnessed what passes for wit around here - amongst the so-called intellectuals of my social circle,” he glanced absently at the door. “Oh! Speaking of whom, here they are now.”
Something inside Penny snapped.
“Sheldon!” She cried, her own voice alarmingly high. “Where the hell have you been? We were worried sick! Do you realize what time it is? And it’s Halo night - and why didn’t you pick up your phone? Oh my God, we have been driving around Pasadena like maniacs looking for you!” Penny advanced a few steps with every question she threw at him, until she stood almost toe to toe with him, glaring up into his startled blue eyes in indignation.
“Er... Penny, honey, he’s okay, so maybe we should just back off a little,” Leonard materialized behind her and began tugging her away. She, none-too-gently, shrugged him off.
“You were looking for me?” Sheldon addressed his question to Leonard, talking over Penny’s head and completely ignoring her in the process. Something he had been doing far too often lately. Penny’s shackles rose like quills on a hedgehog. “But why? I sent you a text message informing you that I was going to dinner with Cass.”
“You sent me a text?” Leonard fumbled for his phone, and then looking at it, raised his eyes to the ceiling in dismay. “I turned it to silent mode for the seminar! I forgot to turn it back on again!”
“Oh, Leonard!” Penny scolded.
“So I made a mistake! And I was expecting a call, not a text!” Leonard countered. “We were a little worried, Sheldon. You have to admit - you missing Halo night set off alarm bells that resonated with all of us.”
“I don’t see why - the pursuit of science trumps all else in my life - even Halo,” Sheldon stated, “and I have had a very interesting conversation with Cass here.” He glanced at his dinner companion with admiration. “Oh, how very remiss of me. Cass, you haven’t met my colleagues and friends: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and er...” he gazed at Howard and Raj who stood - transfixed and silent - in the doorway. “Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz. They work at CalTech as well.”
He glanced at Penny, as if just recalling her existence - never mind that she was standing less than two feet away from him. Her hand just itched to deck him.
“Oh, and this is Penny,” he said matter-of-factly, “our neighbour. And Leonard’s current significant other, I suppose.” He didn’t even try to suppress a grimace at that before addressing all of them. “And everyone - this is Dr. Cass Kildare.”
Howard and Raj waved at her from the doorway and Leonard reached out to shake her hand.
Penny - somewhat reluctantly - followed suit. She spared a second to wonder at Howard’s strange reticent behaviour in the presence of a beautiful woman - because with her emerald eyes, soft, pretty features, coupled with her innate grace and chic style, Cass Kildare could only be described as stunning. Unfortunately, Penny was so angered by Sheldon’s cavalier attitude that Howard’s peculiar behaviour hardly warranted a second thought.
She glared at Sheldon.
He, for once, didn’t notice, and Leonard slowly inched her away from the odd couple as Raj and Howard approached them from the other side of the room. While the boys talked amongst themselves - Penny knew not about what - she strained to overhear the continuing conversation between Cass and Sheldon.
“It’s getting late, Sheldon - I’ve had quite a long day - more than half of it spent with your esteemed Dr. Gablehauser,” Cass told him.
“He’s not my esteemed anyth... Wait, sarcasm?” he asked, one eyebrow raised in query. Cass flashed him a dazzling smile that would have flayed any other man but him. Penny, in fact, swore she could hear strange gurgling sounds from the boys’ direction.
“Most definitely. That man is excellent at schmoozing but his science is...”
“Futile? Illogical? Non-existent?”
“All of the above,” Cass laughed. “I only came as a favour to Professor Haynes; he was my mentor, you know. He’s asked me to teach a special topics course on the Origins of Life at UCLA.”
“Robert? Really? His last review on quantum mechanics in the theorization behind the Drake equation was titillating. It’s still a landmark paper even though it was published three years ago.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it. I was a co-author on that paper. Meeting Frank Drake remains one of the highlights of my career thus far.”
“I’m jealous - Frank Drake! You just keep rising in my estimation, Dr. Kildare. I may even attend your course. I don’t say this very often, but your scientific prowess greatly impresses me. And I am not one to bandy about with praise.”
“I’d be delighted if you sat in on my course, but what about serving as a guest lecturer? You may pick any topic in the syllabus. And certainly, your reputation preceded you, Sheldon. I was actually rather eager to meet you,” she smiled teasingly up at Sheldon.
Penny frowned. What had Cass meant by that, she wondered. Was that some sort of dig at Sheldon?
“So tomorrow morning, then?” Sheldon asked.
“It’s a date, Dr. Cooper,” Cass smiled at him, flashing perfectly white, perfectly straight teeth. Penny gritted her own teeth and vaguely wondered if bacteria even dared to cause plaque build-up and cavities in Cass’ perfect mouth.
Then she wondered why she had developed this sudden, irrational dislike of a woman she barely knew - it was very, very unlike her, especially considering that the woman in question seemed very nice actually.
Penny bade her time as Sheldon walked his guest to the door and bade her goodnight. Then she counted to ten. Sheldon had barely made it across the room.
“Freeze, Sheldon Cooper.”
He froze - for a moment - and then turned enquiring eyes on her.
“We were worried, Sheldon,” she snarled, advancing on him like a predator stalking its prey. “I checked every single restaurant in a ten mile radius looking for you. Those people probably think I’m a crazy person...”
“They wouldn’t be too far off the mark,” Sheldon squeaked in alarm as she had him backed up almost to the kitchen island.
“Why didn’t you at least pick up your damn phone?”
“I really don’t know why I need to explain myself to you, Penny, I’m a grown man and...” he gulped at the ferocious glare she levelled at him, “...and I too, had silenced my phone for the seminar. So I simply didn’t see the missed calls.”
“Haven’t you geniuses ever heard of vibration mode - the one that lets you know that you have a call or text coming through without any sound!” Penny glared at Leonard for good measure, and then turned on Howard.
“And you! How come you didn’t try to hit on her?”
“Even I know that woman is way out of my league. Smart and sexy? I didn’t stand a chance,” Howard bemoaned, Raj patting him on the shoulder in commiseration.
“Well, I for one, admire your restraint, Howard.”
“Thank you, Sheldon,” he hesitated before continuing. “She seemed quite taken with you - I can’t imagine why - but she does.” Raj nodded his agreement - vehemently.
“Yeah, buddy,” Leonard added jovially, side-stepping Penny to stand next to Sheldon and thump him on the shoulder. “Way to go - it certainly looked like she liked you.”
“Well, of course she likes me, Leonard. What’s not to like?” Sheldon asked with genuine affront.
“Er... nothing. You have several redeeming qualities...”
“I most certainly do: a meticulous mind, impeccable manners and an engaging personality.”
Penny snorted, the direction the conversation was headed in greatly annoying her. It was as if the whole world had tilted off its axis and they had slipped into a parallel dimension - like the stuff Sheldon always prattled on about.
An alternate universe! Yes, that was it - it was suddenly as if she had been plopped into an alternate universe where women like Cass Kildare were actually into guys like Sheldon Cooper.
And vice versa.
Penny had a feeling that Sheldon’s string theories would be easier to prove than that alternate reality.
“Yeah, you’re a real sweetheart, Sheldon,” she said caustically. She poked a finger in his chest for emphasis as she said her next words. “Next time you call me, understand? Not Leonard, not Howard, not Raj. Me. If you need a ride - I will come get you. If you need help - I will come help you. You will not turn your phone off and disappear for hours without letting me know!” She took a deep calming breath, and lowered her voice which had risen with every word until Sheldon stared at her in shock, as the other three guys had backed away slowly. “I was worried, Sheldon. I was ready to call the police. It’s Halo night - you never miss it. You scared the living daylights out of me and if you ever do it again, I. Will. Kill. You. Got that?”
“Got it. Although killing me rather defeats the purpose of worrying about my well-being,” he paused to consider the angry gleam in her eyes, “but I digress.”
“Yeah - you... digress. I’m going to bed - alone!” She declared the last partly loudly, for the sole benefit of Leonard, who now looked dejected, but she couldn’t muster enough energy to care. “Goodnight.”
Sheldon grabbed her by the wrist just as she turned away, and it was so unexpected that she stared at his hand holding hers for a long while, thinking, strangely enough, that his long fingers had wound about her wrist like some exotic bracelet. Finally, she looked up at him.
“I’m sorry you were worried,” he stated quietly, his blue gaze boring into hers. “I promise to be more considerate next time.” Her anger evaporated. Just like that.
“Thank you, Sheldon.”
“You’re welcome, Penny.” He released her hand. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
***
Penny walked into the apartment building lobby exhausted, with barely enough energy left over to make it up to the fourth floor. She frowned at the broken down elevator for a brief moment before hazarding a glance at her mailbox. It has been a week since she had checked it.
She wearily dragged her feet over there and stuck her key into the appropriate hole. As she half-heartedly perused bill after bill, she was startled by someone tapping her on the shoulder, and she jumped - hand clasped over her beating heart.
“Sheldon!”
“Howdy, neighbour,” he greeted her, sounding far too chipper for someone who had just gotten home from work. But then again - he didn’t have to be on his feet all day dealing with irate customers, screaming kids and leering guys trying to get his phone number.
“You startled me!”
“Oh, sorry,” he said, not looking sorry at all. She rolled her eyes as they started up the stairs. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth - they hadn’t done this in a long time - just walked up the stairs together. In fact, they hadn’t really hung out in a long time, and she had to admit to missing him - just a little bit.
“I haven’t seen you all week - have you been working extra shifts?”
“Yeah - and late shifts too.”
“Yes, I’ve noticed that Leonard has spent most nights these past three weeks sleeping in his own bed. Incidentally, you look tired. The effect appears to have aged you,” he stated everything so matter-of-factly, that his words almost didn’t register.
“Wait - are you saying I look old?” She asked in horror. He looked momentarily nonplussed.
“Was that not an appropriate thing to say? No, of course it wasn’t - I apologize, Penny. Goodness, Cass would be so disappointed in me if she found out.”
Penny stopped mid-step. “What do you mean - what does Cass have to do with this conversation?”
“She is teaching me the merits of making small talk,” he chirped excitedly. “I must confess, while at first I was vary of both the notion and its premise, I now find myself surprisingly riveted by the intricacies of human interaction.”
“Huh?”
“People are interesting.”
“Oh - yeah, well Sheldon, honey - I could have told you that!”
“Yes - but it would have just been words from you - with Cass - it’s scientific.” Penny was more insulted at this careless comment that the one he had made earlier.
“What are you trying to say - that I’m too stupid to even talk to you now that you have Cass?” Her voice was small, and sounded like it should have come from a little girl. And she was inordinately hurt at the thought.
“Good grief, Penny - I neither said nor implied anything of the sort!” he declared, staring at her in bewilderment. “I merely meant that Cass has likened simple, everyday social interactions to an experiment of sorts, with parameters and variables that can be both qualified and quantified. It makes it much easier for me to navigate the societal quagmire that constitutes human relationships, both platonic and otherwise.”
“Wait - what?”
“She makes me look at social interactions scientifically and they’re starting to make more sense to me, now.”
“Oh! All right.”
“Indeed.”
“Well - that’s a good thing then.”
“I suppose it is. Although, it does leave me in a bit of a dilemma.”
“What does?”
“Having Cass in my life.” Those five words jabbed into Penny like needles into her skin. The effect was not only painful, but scary. She avoided looking at him as they reached the fourth floor landing. “I will have to re-evaluate my social circle, since as you are no doubt aware - I can only maintain five friendships at once.” Penny tried to edge closer to her apartment, dreading what was coming next. He followed her of course, and looked at her intently. “I will be re-issuing my friendship questionnaires to you all - yours will of course be at a high school graduate level. I will deliver it to your door tomorrow, and pick it up two days hence. Will you be joining us for Halo tonight?”
“Oh, Sheldon...”she whined, sounding eerily like Leonard. She gave her head a mental shake. “Do I have to?”
“Join us for Halo? No... but after the ruckus you kicked up over my unexpected absence last week, I would assume...”
“I meant do I have to fill out your friendship forms?”
“My friendship questionnaire. Well, yes - unless you wish to terminate our tenuous friendship and relinquish all claim to my company?”
“Are you asking me to stop being your friend?” She asked in disbelief, more than a little offended that he would even think such a thing.
“No,” he explained slowly, “I am asking you if you want to stop being my friend. It makes some sense - you’re in a relationship with Leonard and so still connected to me within the established six degrees of separation. It’s not as if we’re...”
“Sheldon!” Penny interrupted him angrily. “I love you, you damn whack-a-doodle - why the hell would I want to stop being your friend?”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh,” Penny shook her head tiredly and slumped against the now open door of her apartment. “Bring over the questionnaire. I’ll do it while I’m on break at work.”
“Excellent. Halo?”
“Yes - prepare to get your ass handed to you, moonpie.”
“Penny,” he glared at her. “How many times have I told you not to address me as such?”
She grinned up at him. “I’ll stop calling you ‘moonpie’ the day you beat me at Halo.”
“But...” Sheldon sputtered but couldn’t quite bring himself to admit that she owned him when it came to Halo.
“That’s what I thought,” she chuckled, reaching up to lightly pat his cheek. “See you later, moonpie.”
***
Title: The Civilization of Sheldon Cooper (2/?)
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: T
Word Count: 3,014
Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine... I only stake my claim on the plot... and maybe Sheldon, if I can get him.
X-Posted to Paradox: http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/469313.html
Part Two
Sheldon laughing - freely and animatedly - was a sight to behold, Penny thought as she blinked in surprise. His face lit up and his eyes crinkled up at the corners in an adorable way, while his mouth stretched into a wide grin that was nowhere near creepy.
In fact, his unaffected laughter humanized him in a way she had never witnessed in the entire four years that she had known him.
He stood at the kitchen counter, completely distracted by the woman he was talking to, both of them facing each other as if they were somehow the only two people on the planet.
It took Penny all of ten seconds to study the woman and draw her conclusions. Obviously this was the scientist Leonard had mentioned, the one Sheldon had wanted to question after the seminar. She certainly didn’t look like any scientist Penny had seen - although admittedly, she could only base her comparison on Leslie Winkle and Sheldon’s psycho ex-grad student.
Penny’s perusal started at the woman’s shoes - high-heeled, sleek, strappy pumps that did fabulous things for her ankles and calves; her charcoal skirt-suit, which she had paired with a rosé silk blouse, was elegant and fashionable, and showcased her curvy figure without being overtly sexy. Her long dark blonde hair was lustrous in the overhead lights of the kitchen, and she had it pulled up into a jaunty ponytail. She wore some sort of designer glasses - corrective - but Penny couldn’t tell much about her looks from where she stood. Overall, Penny realized, the woman before her epitomized a sense of style that Penny couldn’t pull off in a million years.
And she had made Sheldon laugh.
“You have a rather eclectic sense of humour, Cass,” Sheldon, his Texan accent sounding a little more noticeable than usual, told her flirtatiously.
Penny paused. Sheldon - flirting? Did he even realize he was flirting? Did he even know what flirting was? Or what it meant? What it led to? She felt her protective instincts rise to the forefront, and she braced herself to step in to help Sheldon if it appeared that he needed her.
“You say that as if you think wit and intellect are mutually exclusive, Sheldon.”
Penny’s shoulders slumped slightly. A small part of her had really hoped that maybe the woman would have a squeaky voice or something - but no, she sounded cultured and demure.
“You haven’t witnessed what passes for wit around here - amongst the so-called intellectuals of my social circle,” he glanced absently at the door. “Oh! Speaking of whom, here they are now.”
Something inside Penny snapped.
“Sheldon!” She cried, her own voice alarmingly high. “Where the hell have you been? We were worried sick! Do you realize what time it is? And it’s Halo night - and why didn’t you pick up your phone? Oh my God, we have been driving around Pasadena like maniacs looking for you!” Penny advanced a few steps with every question she threw at him, until she stood almost toe to toe with him, glaring up into his startled blue eyes in indignation.
“Er... Penny, honey, he’s okay, so maybe we should just back off a little,” Leonard materialized behind her and began tugging her away. She, none-too-gently, shrugged him off.
“You were looking for me?” Sheldon addressed his question to Leonard, talking over Penny’s head and completely ignoring her in the process. Something he had been doing far too often lately. Penny’s shackles rose like quills on a hedgehog. “But why? I sent you a text message informing you that I was going to dinner with Cass.”
“You sent me a text?” Leonard fumbled for his phone, and then looking at it, raised his eyes to the ceiling in dismay. “I turned it to silent mode for the seminar! I forgot to turn it back on again!”
“Oh, Leonard!” Penny scolded.
“So I made a mistake! And I was expecting a call, not a text!” Leonard countered. “We were a little worried, Sheldon. You have to admit - you missing Halo night set off alarm bells that resonated with all of us.”
“I don’t see why - the pursuit of science trumps all else in my life - even Halo,” Sheldon stated, “and I have had a very interesting conversation with Cass here.” He glanced at his dinner companion with admiration. “Oh, how very remiss of me. Cass, you haven’t met my colleagues and friends: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and er...” he gazed at Howard and Raj who stood - transfixed and silent - in the doorway. “Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz. They work at CalTech as well.”
He glanced at Penny, as if just recalling her existence - never mind that she was standing less than two feet away from him. Her hand just itched to deck him.
“Oh, and this is Penny,” he said matter-of-factly, “our neighbour. And Leonard’s current significant other, I suppose.” He didn’t even try to suppress a grimace at that before addressing all of them. “And everyone - this is Dr. Cass Kildare.”
Howard and Raj waved at her from the doorway and Leonard reached out to shake her hand.
Penny - somewhat reluctantly - followed suit. She spared a second to wonder at Howard’s strange reticent behaviour in the presence of a beautiful woman - because with her emerald eyes, soft, pretty features, coupled with her innate grace and chic style, Cass Kildare could only be described as stunning. Unfortunately, Penny was so angered by Sheldon’s cavalier attitude that Howard’s peculiar behaviour hardly warranted a second thought.
She glared at Sheldon.
He, for once, didn’t notice, and Leonard slowly inched her away from the odd couple as Raj and Howard approached them from the other side of the room. While the boys talked amongst themselves - Penny knew not about what - she strained to overhear the continuing conversation between Cass and Sheldon.
“It’s getting late, Sheldon - I’ve had quite a long day - more than half of it spent with your esteemed Dr. Gablehauser,” Cass told him.
“He’s not my esteemed anyth... Wait, sarcasm?” he asked, one eyebrow raised in query. Cass flashed him a dazzling smile that would have flayed any other man but him. Penny, in fact, swore she could hear strange gurgling sounds from the boys’ direction.
“Most definitely. That man is excellent at schmoozing but his science is...”
“Futile? Illogical? Non-existent?”
“All of the above,” Cass laughed. “I only came as a favour to Professor Haynes; he was my mentor, you know. He’s asked me to teach a special topics course on the Origins of Life at UCLA.”
“Robert? Really? His last review on quantum mechanics in the theorization behind the Drake equation was titillating. It’s still a landmark paper even though it was published three years ago.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it. I was a co-author on that paper. Meeting Frank Drake remains one of the highlights of my career thus far.”
“I’m jealous - Frank Drake! You just keep rising in my estimation, Dr. Kildare. I may even attend your course. I don’t say this very often, but your scientific prowess greatly impresses me. And I am not one to bandy about with praise.”
“I’d be delighted if you sat in on my course, but what about serving as a guest lecturer? You may pick any topic in the syllabus. And certainly, your reputation preceded you, Sheldon. I was actually rather eager to meet you,” she smiled teasingly up at Sheldon.
Penny frowned. What had Cass meant by that, she wondered. Was that some sort of dig at Sheldon?
“So tomorrow morning, then?” Sheldon asked.
“It’s a date, Dr. Cooper,” Cass smiled at him, flashing perfectly white, perfectly straight teeth. Penny gritted her own teeth and vaguely wondered if bacteria even dared to cause plaque build-up and cavities in Cass’ perfect mouth.
Then she wondered why she had developed this sudden, irrational dislike of a woman she barely knew - it was very, very unlike her, especially considering that the woman in question seemed very nice actually.
Penny bade her time as Sheldon walked his guest to the door and bade her goodnight. Then she counted to ten. Sheldon had barely made it across the room.
“Freeze, Sheldon Cooper.”
He froze - for a moment - and then turned enquiring eyes on her.
“We were worried, Sheldon,” she snarled, advancing on him like a predator stalking its prey. “I checked every single restaurant in a ten mile radius looking for you. Those people probably think I’m a crazy person...”
“They wouldn’t be too far off the mark,” Sheldon squeaked in alarm as she had him backed up almost to the kitchen island.
“Why didn’t you at least pick up your damn phone?”
“I really don’t know why I need to explain myself to you, Penny, I’m a grown man and...” he gulped at the ferocious glare she levelled at him, “...and I too, had silenced my phone for the seminar. So I simply didn’t see the missed calls.”
“Haven’t you geniuses ever heard of vibration mode - the one that lets you know that you have a call or text coming through without any sound!” Penny glared at Leonard for good measure, and then turned on Howard.
“And you! How come you didn’t try to hit on her?”
“Even I know that woman is way out of my league. Smart and sexy? I didn’t stand a chance,” Howard bemoaned, Raj patting him on the shoulder in commiseration.
“Well, I for one, admire your restraint, Howard.”
“Thank you, Sheldon,” he hesitated before continuing. “She seemed quite taken with you - I can’t imagine why - but she does.” Raj nodded his agreement - vehemently.
“Yeah, buddy,” Leonard added jovially, side-stepping Penny to stand next to Sheldon and thump him on the shoulder. “Way to go - it certainly looked like she liked you.”
“Well, of course she likes me, Leonard. What’s not to like?” Sheldon asked with genuine affront.
“Er... nothing. You have several redeeming qualities...”
“I most certainly do: a meticulous mind, impeccable manners and an engaging personality.”
Penny snorted, the direction the conversation was headed in greatly annoying her. It was as if the whole world had tilted off its axis and they had slipped into a parallel dimension - like the stuff Sheldon always prattled on about.
An alternate universe! Yes, that was it - it was suddenly as if she had been plopped into an alternate universe where women like Cass Kildare were actually into guys like Sheldon Cooper.
And vice versa.
Penny had a feeling that Sheldon’s string theories would be easier to prove than that alternate reality.
“Yeah, you’re a real sweetheart, Sheldon,” she said caustically. She poked a finger in his chest for emphasis as she said her next words. “Next time you call me, understand? Not Leonard, not Howard, not Raj. Me. If you need a ride - I will come get you. If you need help - I will come help you. You will not turn your phone off and disappear for hours without letting me know!” She took a deep calming breath, and lowered her voice which had risen with every word until Sheldon stared at her in shock, as the other three guys had backed away slowly. “I was worried, Sheldon. I was ready to call the police. It’s Halo night - you never miss it. You scared the living daylights out of me and if you ever do it again, I. Will. Kill. You. Got that?”
“Got it. Although killing me rather defeats the purpose of worrying about my well-being,” he paused to consider the angry gleam in her eyes, “but I digress.”
“Yeah - you... digress. I’m going to bed - alone!” She declared the last partly loudly, for the sole benefit of Leonard, who now looked dejected, but she couldn’t muster enough energy to care. “Goodnight.”
Sheldon grabbed her by the wrist just as she turned away, and it was so unexpected that she stared at his hand holding hers for a long while, thinking, strangely enough, that his long fingers had wound about her wrist like some exotic bracelet. Finally, she looked up at him.
“I’m sorry you were worried,” he stated quietly, his blue gaze boring into hers. “I promise to be more considerate next time.” Her anger evaporated. Just like that.
“Thank you, Sheldon.”
“You’re welcome, Penny.” He released her hand. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
***
Penny walked into the apartment building lobby exhausted, with barely enough energy left over to make it up to the fourth floor. She frowned at the broken down elevator for a brief moment before hazarding a glance at her mailbox. It has been a week since she had checked it.
She wearily dragged her feet over there and stuck her key into the appropriate hole. As she half-heartedly perused bill after bill, she was startled by someone tapping her on the shoulder, and she jumped - hand clasped over her beating heart.
“Sheldon!”
“Howdy, neighbour,” he greeted her, sounding far too chipper for someone who had just gotten home from work. But then again - he didn’t have to be on his feet all day dealing with irate customers, screaming kids and leering guys trying to get his phone number.
“You startled me!”
“Oh, sorry,” he said, not looking sorry at all. She rolled her eyes as they started up the stairs. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth - they hadn’t done this in a long time - just walked up the stairs together. In fact, they hadn’t really hung out in a long time, and she had to admit to missing him - just a little bit.
“I haven’t seen you all week - have you been working extra shifts?”
“Yeah - and late shifts too.”
“Yes, I’ve noticed that Leonard has spent most nights these past three weeks sleeping in his own bed. Incidentally, you look tired. The effect appears to have aged you,” he stated everything so matter-of-factly, that his words almost didn’t register.
“Wait - are you saying I look old?” She asked in horror. He looked momentarily nonplussed.
“Was that not an appropriate thing to say? No, of course it wasn’t - I apologize, Penny. Goodness, Cass would be so disappointed in me if she found out.”
Penny stopped mid-step. “What do you mean - what does Cass have to do with this conversation?”
“She is teaching me the merits of making small talk,” he chirped excitedly. “I must confess, while at first I was vary of both the notion and its premise, I now find myself surprisingly riveted by the intricacies of human interaction.”
“Huh?”
“People are interesting.”
“Oh - yeah, well Sheldon, honey - I could have told you that!”
“Yes - but it would have just been words from you - with Cass - it’s scientific.” Penny was more insulted at this careless comment that the one he had made earlier.
“What are you trying to say - that I’m too stupid to even talk to you now that you have Cass?” Her voice was small, and sounded like it should have come from a little girl. And she was inordinately hurt at the thought.
“Good grief, Penny - I neither said nor implied anything of the sort!” he declared, staring at her in bewilderment. “I merely meant that Cass has likened simple, everyday social interactions to an experiment of sorts, with parameters and variables that can be both qualified and quantified. It makes it much easier for me to navigate the societal quagmire that constitutes human relationships, both platonic and otherwise.”
“Wait - what?”
“She makes me look at social interactions scientifically and they’re starting to make more sense to me, now.”
“Oh! All right.”
“Indeed.”
“Well - that’s a good thing then.”
“I suppose it is. Although, it does leave me in a bit of a dilemma.”
“What does?”
“Having Cass in my life.” Those five words jabbed into Penny like needles into her skin. The effect was not only painful, but scary. She avoided looking at him as they reached the fourth floor landing. “I will have to re-evaluate my social circle, since as you are no doubt aware - I can only maintain five friendships at once.” Penny tried to edge closer to her apartment, dreading what was coming next. He followed her of course, and looked at her intently. “I will be re-issuing my friendship questionnaires to you all - yours will of course be at a high school graduate level. I will deliver it to your door tomorrow, and pick it up two days hence. Will you be joining us for Halo tonight?”
“Oh, Sheldon...”she whined, sounding eerily like Leonard. She gave her head a mental shake. “Do I have to?”
“Join us for Halo? No... but after the ruckus you kicked up over my unexpected absence last week, I would assume...”
“I meant do I have to fill out your friendship forms?”
“My friendship questionnaire. Well, yes - unless you wish to terminate our tenuous friendship and relinquish all claim to my company?”
“Are you asking me to stop being your friend?” She asked in disbelief, more than a little offended that he would even think such a thing.
“No,” he explained slowly, “I am asking you if you want to stop being my friend. It makes some sense - you’re in a relationship with Leonard and so still connected to me within the established six degrees of separation. It’s not as if we’re...”
“Sheldon!” Penny interrupted him angrily. “I love you, you damn whack-a-doodle - why the hell would I want to stop being your friend?”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh,” Penny shook her head tiredly and slumped against the now open door of her apartment. “Bring over the questionnaire. I’ll do it while I’m on break at work.”
“Excellent. Halo?”
“Yes - prepare to get your ass handed to you, moonpie.”
“Penny,” he glared at her. “How many times have I told you not to address me as such?”
She grinned up at him. “I’ll stop calling you ‘moonpie’ the day you beat me at Halo.”
“But...” Sheldon sputtered but couldn’t quite bring himself to admit that she owned him when it came to Halo.
“That’s what I thought,” she chuckled, reaching up to lightly pat his cheek. “See you later, moonpie.”
***