Anything-Can-Happen-August (5/5) Complete! (Finally)
Title: Anything-Can-Happen-August (5/5)
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: R (for language, just to be safe)
Word Count: 4,045
Disclaimer: Not mine... although I still wish I had my own Sheldon *le sigh*
A/N: I cannot believe this has taken me so long to finish! Maybe I should change the name of this fic to Anything-Can-Happen-April. Hope this chapter is worthy of the rest, because guys, it was the first part of this fic that BBT exec producer Dave Goetsch tweeted about - on my birthday, no less!
The tweet is here: twitter.com/goetech/statuses/3152000071
OMG that still gives me goosebumps. Squeeeeee!!!
Warning: This is crack!fic and hopefully y’all get a giggle or two out of it. As always, comments = love.
Previous chapters can be found here on Paradox: community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/tag/.author:%20qblackheart
Also here at my fic comm. with all my other fics: community.livejournal.com/the8threalm/
August 7, 2011
“Leonard, man, have you got the hots for Penny’s sister,” Howard pulled no punches as he stood at the urinal of the gas station’s restroom next to Leonard. They were just a short ride from Sheldon’s mother’s home and had stopped for a much needed break.
“Duuuuuudde - so true,” Raj agreed as he washed his hands.
“Don’t be gross,” Leonard hedged. “She’s only seventeen.”
“Er... I realize this is Texas but I meant the older, more legal one.”
“Kate? No way.”
“Way, dude. You and Kate are going at it like Sheldon and Penny.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Leonard looked at Raj in surprise.
“You know, the arguing, the hot looks when you think no one’s looking... but I’m always watching, dude. I might not say much but I see all. I saw Sheldon and Penny happening like two years ago,” Raj sagely declared.
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“Actually he’s right. Also, I really can’t fault your choice Leonard. Taking a dip Penny’s pretty gene pool is the way to go,” Howard waggled his eyebrows. “Plus - you know older and wiser sister - I bet she has tricks up her sleeve that Penny doesn’t!”
“Howard, don’t make me start handing you strikes,” Leonard warned.
“And, unlike Penny, she’s got some juice in the caboose,” he leered.
“What?”
“Junk in the trunk, dude. Awesome.”
“Okay - three strikes for each of you! And I’m making you take Sheldon’s course.”
Leonard shook his head vigorously as he left the restroom, as if hoping Howard’s and Raj’s words would somehow fall out. He waved at the Sawyers as they tiredly got into their car, armed with coffee and snacks. As he approached Kate’s SUV, he automatically went to open the door for her; she was carrying a tired Mandy. He instinctively held his arms out for the little girl and put her into the car, making sure to properly strap her in. Kate flashed him an exhausted but grateful smile, maybe the first genuine smile she had spared him since they met. She looked beat. His hand rose of its own volition and lightly stroked her cheek.
“Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll drive the rest of the way.”
“Are you sure?” she asked quietly, studying him in a manner that made him feel strangely aroused.
“Yeah,” he reassured her, opening the passenger side door so she could get in. “In any case it’s my turn now, and we should be there in an hour.”
She nodded and got in just as Howard and Raj, who had gone into the convenience store, joined them and clambered in as well, Howard giving him a broad wink. Leonard pointedly ignored him. He got in and adjusted the seat and rear-view mirror, briefly noting Sam and the twins dozing in the back, Sam with her head nuzzled on Jim’s shoulder, and his head resting on hers.
Young love. It was a sweet sight, if they but knew it.
***
Leonard had not really known the taste of fear until that night.
But when he drove up to the Cooper residence, he felt it like a sucker punch to his gut. There were at least three police cruisers and two ambulances out front, red and blue lights flashing silently, ominously, in the darkness. People milled about the front yard, some of them with firearms apparent in their hands.
“Guys,” he said quietly, not wanting to wake Penny’s sisters. “Raj, Howard.”
“What?” Raj replied dozily, as Howard yawned and blearily opened his eyes.
“Take a look.” He drove cautiously, truly scared at what awaited them at the Coopers.
“What’s going on? Wait, are those cars...? Yeah, that’s Michael’s. I recognise the vanity plate!” Raj whispered hoarsely.
“Holy shit. What the hell happened here?” Howard sounded as shocked as Leonard felt.
Leonard tensed as a few law enforcement officers started approaching their vehicle, guns at the ready. He slowed to a stop and swiftly exited the SUV, closely followed by his two friends. He gestured at the Sawyers to stay put in their car as they pulled in behind him.
“Keep your hands where I can see ‘em,” one of the cops said. Three pairs of hands shot right up into the air. “Identify yourselves.”
Leonard complied. “We’re friends of Sheldon Cooper. What’s going on here, officer?”
“That’s Deputy, and you’d best come with me.”
Leonard’s stomach plummeted to the vicinity of his feet. He resisted the urge to panic even though enough bile had risen in his gullet to choke him. They were brought to a robust policewoman, the Sheriff apparently, who peered down at him suspiciously.
“I’m Sheriff Maggie Dylan,” she introduced herself gruffly, “I hear you’re friends of Sheldon?”
“Yes. Is he all right? Good lord, what’s going on? And what about Penny? Those are her parents back there... are they okay? Is that Michael’s car? What the hell happened here?” Leonard went from frightened to frantic.
“Relax, kid,” the Sheriff reassured him. “We managed to get Shelly and Penny out of here before it all went to hell in a handbasket. But Michael and Gus and we think a couple of other guys slipped through somehow. I’m just getting a posse together to follow them.”
“We’re coming too!” This, very surprisingly came from Raj. Leonard inanely wondered if Howard had spiked his juice box.
“We are?” Howard asked, looking at his partner-in-crime as if he had lost his mind. Raj shot him a dirty look. “Hell, yeah we are!”
“Can you shoot?” The Sheriff asked.
“You mean with a gun?” Howard asked, his voice getting more high-pitched by the second.
“No, with a basketball! Of course with a gun, Howard!” Leonard cried, his fear mounting at the thought of where Sheldon and Penny could possibly be.
“I’m Jewish! In times of crisis we do guilt not guns.”
“We do guns,” Kate’s quiet but firm voice stated from behind them. The Sawyers stood behind their oldest daughter. Sam and the twins still a way back by the SUV, keeping an eye on Mandy who was still asleep inside.
“Aunt Maggie!”
They all turned to see a statuesque brunette and a tall, blond, built - well, cowboy - striding towards them.
“Missy!” Leonard called out.
“Leonard! What are y’all doing here?” Sheldon’s sister looked surprised and then she noticed Raj, who looked bashful and ducked his head in embarrassment.
“Rajesh, right?” Missy asked him. He nodded and gave her a small smile. The cowboy looked at Raj and frowned, but said nothing.
“Howard Wolowitz, enchanté,” Howard sidled up to Missy with a smarmy smile before Leonard yanked him back.
“Focus, Howard!” he yelled before addressing Missy. “We were all at the wedding. Sheldon and Penny ran out mid-ceremony and Michael and his family were on their tails. We had no clue what was going on but I figured if Sheldon had any say in the matter, and knowing Sheldon, of course he did, they would come here. So we came here too - to this! You want catch us up, Missy?”
“Yeah, Sheldon and Penny did come straight here. These goons not far behind. It’s crazy, they’re gangsters. We found out something about a heist of some sort from one of their guys over there but that’s about it,” she blew out a breath in frustration. “Now Sheldon and Penny are out there with Michael and Gus after them.”
“Oh no!”
“Eeep!”
“What the frak?”
“Don’t worry,” the Sheriff reassured them. “Sheldon and Penny are armed and they’re on horseback. Plus, I don’t think these goombahs are any good at tracking people...”
“Wait. Sheldon’s got a gun?” Leonard’s mind boggled at the thought.
“Sheldon’s on a horse?” Apparently, the notion was sufficiently ludicrous to get Raj to comment even with Missy in hearing range.
“Penny with a gun and on a horse. Hot.” No prizes for guessing whose mouth that came from, and Leonard just rolled his eyes heavenward and begged the universe for patience.
Kate, on the other hand, was much more demonstrative as she whacked Howard upside the head.
***
Penny held onto Sheldon’s hand as they followed Meemaw through the trees, both of them leading their horses as they headed towards her trailer. Admittedly, Penny was still a little freaked out by the woman; she so did not fit the image Penny had in her head when Sheldon had spoken of his grandmother in the past.
Then again, she had just survived a shoot-out between all the women of Sheldon’s family and the gangster relations of her ex-fiancé.
This night couldn’t possibly get any more insane, could it?
Scratch that.
Apparently, it could.
They ground to a halt as they reached the small clearing outside Meemaw’s trailer, all of them shocked to see Michael, Uncle Gus and five of Michael’s so-called cousins leaning against their cars, nonchalantly waiting for them as if they hadn’t a care in the world.
“Just who in hell are you?” Meemaw yelled crankily at Michael as he approached them, Uncle Gus two steps behind him as usual.
“These are the gangsters I was telling you about, Meemaw,” Sheldon supplied helpfully. Penny cringed and grasped his hand tighter to yank him down to her level.
“He’s annoyed enough already, don’t add fuel to the fire,” she warned him. “We’re outnumbered.”
“Excellent point,” he conceded, just as his grandmother raised her rifle, keeping it steadily pointed at Michael’s head.
“That’s far enough, boy. You’re about as welcome here as a skunk at a lawn party. I’m giving you two minutes to get the hell off my property,” she yelled, her voice surprisingly strong. Mike stalled in his tracks, momentarily nonplussed. Then he laughed. And Penny wanted to kick him in the balls.
And you know what? She had just about had it with this ridiculous night. She let Sheldon go and took two steps forward.
“All right, Mike,” she started, trying to reason with the overgrown ape. What the hell had she ever seen in him, anyway? She musta been drunk outta her mind the day she agreed to marry him. Thank God for Sheldon. “I get that you’re upset. I know I should have talked to you first, before leaving you at the altar like that. I understand, and I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. But I don’t love you. I... I couldn’t go through with it. I’m sorry,” she looked pleadingly at him. “Please. Just leave us alone and go on your way. I’m sure you’ll find someone else to love and make you way happier than I ever could have...”
“Oh, please,” Michael smirked, and then dissolved into outright laughter. Even Uncle Gus cracked a smile. “I didn’t come here for you. I don’t give a damn about you - you were just convenient. Not to mention easy,” he smirked again, although this time, the smile was smarmy. And kicking him in the balls was starting to sound real good to Penny.
Sheldon huffed in anger but Penny shot his a quelling look just as Meemaw poked Penny in the back with a bony finger. “You gonna let him talk to you like that?”
Penny turned to look at her and shook her head. “No ma’am.” She faced Mike again. “Why the hell are you here and what the hell do you want, asshole?” She demanded.
“You have something that belongs to me. Give me your bag,” Mike ground out, all trace of amusement vanishing from his face.
“My bag?” Penny asked in astonishment.
Mike took a menacing step towards her, but before he could come any closer, both Meemaw and Sheldon raised their weapons from where they stood, flanking Penny.
“You take one more step towards my Shelly’s girl and I will put one right b’tween yer eyes,” Meemaw warned, giving Mike a run for his money in the menacing department.
“I don’t think that would be a good move on your part, you old hag,” Mike snarled, and with a quick motion of his hand, all his men pulled out their weapons.
“Hey! No one talks about Meemaw that way!” Sheldon sputtered angrily, but Penny put a calming hand on his arm, truly frightened now. These men had had no qualms about shooting at a houseful of women, they sure as hell weren’t going to think twice before they started shooting now.
“Wait!” She yelled at Mike. “I’ll give you my bag, just let us go.”
“First, drop your weapons,” Mike commanded.
Meemaw cackled. “The engine’s running but ain’t nobody drivin’ up in there,” she scoffed, pointing to Mike’s head with the business end of her rifle.
“And make the old bat shut the hell up,” Mike added as if she hadn’t spoken.
“Mike, for God’s sake, what the hell’s gotten into you?” Penny bristled. “Just take the damn bag and go away.”
“Penny, don’t give him that bag,” Sheldon warned, pulling her back when she made to move forward. “They’re criminals, they need to be brought to justice.”
“By you and what army, Sheldon?” Penny muttered harshly under her breath.
“The one in the trees behind them,” Sheldon stated loudly, his ruse so glaringly obvious that Michael laughed.
“Give it up, Nutty Professor,” Mike taunted, “that’s like the oldest trick in the book and we’re not falling for it.” Then he seemed to reconsider and yelled at a couple of his ‘cousins’ to go take a look around. “Now, hand over the bag, doc.”
“That’s Dr. Cooper, PhD. to you,” Sheldon spat, grabbing Penny’s backpack before she could toss it over to Michael. “Could you open it? Just trust me,” he told her, when she looked at him in frustration. So she did, and he emptied the contents onto the dirt.
“Sheldon!” Penny squawked just as Mike yelled, “No!”
“Don’t worry,” Uncle Gus reassured him, stepping forward into the light that shone from Meemaw’s trailer.
“Hoo-whee!” Meemaw exclaimed. “Someone done beat him with an ugly stick!”
Penny resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands.
Sheldon, meanwhile, was rummaging through her things. When he finally straightened, he was holding the Penny Blossom crown that he had made for her in his hands. He looked down at it quizzically and then looked up at Mike and Gus, understanding slowly dawning on his face. Before Penny could ask him about it, he spoke.
“Diamonds,” Sheldon stated, peering down at the Penny Blossom crown in the dim light. “This is exquisite work,” he ventured, sounding genuinely impressed. “Uncle Gus, I presume.”
The older man preened. “Yeah,” he took the credit. “I was going to put them on the wedding dress but...”
“Oh, this is far handier,” Sheldon agreed with his unspoken statement, and Gus nodded enthusiastically. “And less bulky to pack,” he explained.
“Plus, the adhesive is quite remarkable. Look how well they’ve attached!” Sheldon looked at Uncle Gus in wonder. “We’ve had numerous problems with glue in the past. Where did you buy this?”
“Wal-Mart!” Uncle Gus supplied jovially, “they have everything!”
“I’ll be sure to check it out. I have to reiterate, though, your workmanship and attention to detail quite rivals mine,” Sheldon praised, and even in the dim light, Penny could have sworn Uncle Gus blushed as he thanked Sheldon and shyly ducked his head.
She and Mike looked at each other in complete and utter bewilderment for a good minute before Mike shook himself out of it. He turned to Gus and yelled.
“Would you shut up about the damn glue and go get the diamonds?”
Uncle Gus took a step towards them, just as Sheldon carefully put the Penny Blossom crown back inside the backpack. “I’m afraid I can’t let that happen, gentlemen,” he informed them stoically.
“Why the hell not?” Mike asked in exasperation, looking as though he’d stumbled into the Twilight Zone. Penny could commiserate.
Sheldon smiled.
Penny gulped.
That was his evil-Mua-ha-ha-Sheldon smile.
Sheldon and Meemaw smirked at each other before he turned back to Michael. “Because all hell is about to break lose, and you’re about to go up in flames.”
“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfu...”
“Meemaw!”
Penny’s hysterical laughter rang out into the night along with the first gunshot.
***
Somehow, Leonard had ended up in the little posse that included Howard, Raj, Jim, Johnny, Sam and thank God for small mercies, because he would have pissed in his pants in abject terror otherwise, Kate.
Except that Kate had disappeared into the woods with her big gun and now he was alone the four stooges and Penny’s youngest sister.
So of course, that’s when they had spotted one of Michael’s goon cousins coming towards their hiding place armed with a gun.
And they were all unarmed.
And arguing over who could take the bad guy out.
Leonard pressed his hands to his throbbing temples.
“Howard and I can take him, right Howard?” Raj whispered.
“Er... he may be the girliest of Michael’s cousins, dude,” Howard responded, “but he still looks like he could bench press me.”
“No way!” Johnny argued. “We’re not letting you guys hog all the glory when Sam’s watching. Jim and I will take him.”
Jim frowned at his brother. “Where are we taking him?”
“You guys realize he has a gun and we don’t, right?” Leonard felt obligated to remind them. “A real gun. With real bullets. That kill real people. Like us.”
“Good point,” Raj conceded. “How about all of us take him?”
Howard considered it. “Sounds like a plan.”
Johnny nodded in agreement. “On Three.”
“Wait, wait!” Jim interrupted. “On Three or after Three?”
“On Three.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Leonard moaned, knowing he was going to regret this but quite unable to let his friends go to their doom alone.
“One, Two, Three!”
All five guys turned around ready to fight off Michael’s cousin-with-the-gun, only to see him lying flat on his back, completely out cold, with Sam standing over him, his gun now cradled in her hand.
She crooked an eyebrow at them. “What? I was getting tired waiting for all you big, strong men to get your asses in gear,” she deadpanned.
“Now, come on, Snow-White, Cinderella, Belle, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Jasmine. Let’s keep moving.”
Leonard vaguely wondered which Disney Princess he was. He called Snow White, because right now he felt surrounded by a whole lot of Dopeys.
“Hmm. Did she mean me Jasmine, or you Jasmine?” Howard asked Raj.
“Dude, what kind of question is that? I’m the dark-skinned, exotic one.”
***
When the dust settled and the guns fell silent, Penny found herself standing in front of a stunned Michael, as he grimaced and fell to his knees, clutching his crotch in agony.
She smiled nastily down at him as the Sheriff slapped him into a pair of cuffs.
“Nice one,” Maggie complimented her, as Meemaw raised her hand. Penny giggled as she high-fived Sheldon’s grandmother.
She was so in love with her trigger-happy, gun-toting, batshit-crazy future in-laws.
“Are you all right?” Sheldon asked, running up and hugging her.
“I’m awesome, sweetie,” Penny smiled and kissed him, soft and sweet. “Although, for a minute there, I was afraid we were done for.”
“Not a Snowball’s chance in cat-scanner,” Sheldon assured her, and she giggled.
“You were amazing.”
“He’s a son of Texas, ‘course he’s amazing,” Meemaw grinned, opening up her arms for a hug that Sheldon happily walked into. “You gone ‘n’ done me proud, baby boy. I like your little lady.”
“I knew you would, Meemaw,” Sheldon smiled down at his beloved grandmother even as he pulled Penny into his arms.
Soon they were surrounded by his whole family as the rest of the cops took away Michael, Uncle Gus and the rest of their men.
Penny was stunned to suddenly see her sisters and the twins and - goodness - Leonard, Howard and Raj walking towards them.
Sheldon too looked at them in shock and they hurried over to their friends, Penny getting a little worried when she saw that Leonard had a hand over his face and appeared to be in pain.
“Leonard, sweetie, are you okay? What happened?”
“Your sister happened.” Leonard groused.
“I said I was sorry!” Kate exclaimed. “It was dark out there! I thought you were a bad guy!”
Leonard glared at her as Penny giggled. The sound made Leonard turn towards her, a big smile stretching across his face. “Penny! I’m so glad you’re safe!” He hugged her and then Sheldon. “You too, Sheldon!”
And suddenly there were hugs all ‘round.
“I’m not quite comfortable with this degree of physicality with people I barely know,” Sheldon muttered grumpily.
“I hear ya, man,” Jim agreed wholeheartedly.
Everyone hugged them both anyway, and Penny laughed.
“I still can’t believe you punched me!” Leonard whined at Kate. “I bruise easily too. You’ve probably given me a black eye!”
“Jesus!” Kate exclaimed in frustration. “I said I’m sorry! What else do you want me to do?”
“I think...” Leonard took a deep breath and looked Penny’s older sister squarely in the eye. “I think you should kiss it better.”
“I... You... Wait. What?” Kate looked stunned. Leonard smirked at her, and she blushed. She actually blushed. Penny and Sam shared a look as the couple moved in for a kiss. And holy crap, what a freakin’ spectacular kiss!
“How does he always get to kiss the girl?” Howard lamented. Raj gamely pecked him on the cheek. Howard shrugged. “Better than nothing, I suppose.”
Jim seemed to take all the love in the air as a good sign. “Sam, do you want to go to the prom with me?”
“What?”
Johnny baulked. “Hey! I was going to ask her!”
“Well, then why didn’t you?”
“I was working up to it.”
“Fine, then ask her,” Jim challenged his twin. “She can pick who she wants to go with.”
“Jeez, I don’t want to ask her now!” Johnny argued, rolling his eyes in consternation. “You already did. Then we’d have to fight over her and it’d get ugly and then there’ll be a rift between us and we won’t talk to each other for years and we’ll be estranged and shit. It’s way too complicated.”
“Are you going to stand there and prognosticate or are you going to ask her to the prom?”
“Excellent use of the word ‘prognosticate’,” Sheldon commended.
“Thank you,” Jim responded gravely. “I have a vocabulary and I’m not afraid to use it.”
“Good for you. Penny, you should take a page out of his book.”
“Thanks, Sheldon, but could we return to the other conversation, you know, the interesting one where two cute boys want to take my baby sister to prom?”
“What? Oh, yeah. Jim, Jimmy, James - bro! Girls may come and go but bros are forever. Are we really going to let Sam come between us?”
“Girls may come and go for you, John, but Sam’s the only one for me.”
“Aww,” Penny sighed.
Sam rolled her eyes. “You’re such a sap.” She looked at Johnny. “Dude, I love you like a brother. But I’m kind of in love with your brother.”
“You’re in love with me?” Jim asked in wonder, just as Johnny succinctly said, “Shoot. Blew my chance.”
“Since we were kids. You were just too wrapped up in your books to notice,” Sam informed him.
Jim smiled tentatively at her. “I’m noticing now.”
Howard rolled his eyes. “Just kiss her and get it over with.”
And for once, someone took Howard’s advice and it didn’t have disastrous consequences.
***
August 10, 2011
When Penny got married for the second time in less than a week, the Penny Blossom crown she wore on her head was studded with rhinestones and not stolen diamonds.
The workmanship and the effect were still exquisite, though.
This time, the right man stood by her side, quietly speaking his vows in a small church in his hometown with both their families and their wonderful friends filling the pews.
This time the smile on her face was for him alone.
This time she was truly happy.
This time, they made it all the way to the end of the ceremony.
And if a certain scary grandmother witnessed the blessed event with a big-ass Winchester rifle resting on her lap, well, no one thought it strange enough - or was brave enough, and rightly so - to comment.
***
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: R (for language, just to be safe)
Word Count: 4,045
Disclaimer: Not mine... although I still wish I had my own Sheldon *le sigh*
A/N: I cannot believe this has taken me so long to finish! Maybe I should change the name of this fic to Anything-Can-Happen-April. Hope this chapter is worthy of the rest, because guys, it was the first part of this fic that BBT exec producer Dave Goetsch tweeted about - on my birthday, no less!
The tweet is here: twitter.com/goetech/statuses/3152000071
OMG that still gives me goosebumps. Squeeeeee!!!
Warning: This is crack!fic and hopefully y’all get a giggle or two out of it. As always, comments = love.
Previous chapters can be found here on Paradox: community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/tag/.author:%20qblackheart
Also here at my fic comm. with all my other fics: community.livejournal.com/the8threalm/
August 7, 2011
“Leonard, man, have you got the hots for Penny’s sister,” Howard pulled no punches as he stood at the urinal of the gas station’s restroom next to Leonard. They were just a short ride from Sheldon’s mother’s home and had stopped for a much needed break.
“Duuuuuudde - so true,” Raj agreed as he washed his hands.
“Don’t be gross,” Leonard hedged. “She’s only seventeen.”
“Er... I realize this is Texas but I meant the older, more legal one.”
“Kate? No way.”
“Way, dude. You and Kate are going at it like Sheldon and Penny.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Leonard looked at Raj in surprise.
“You know, the arguing, the hot looks when you think no one’s looking... but I’m always watching, dude. I might not say much but I see all. I saw Sheldon and Penny happening like two years ago,” Raj sagely declared.
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“Actually he’s right. Also, I really can’t fault your choice Leonard. Taking a dip Penny’s pretty gene pool is the way to go,” Howard waggled his eyebrows. “Plus - you know older and wiser sister - I bet she has tricks up her sleeve that Penny doesn’t!”
“Howard, don’t make me start handing you strikes,” Leonard warned.
“And, unlike Penny, she’s got some juice in the caboose,” he leered.
“What?”
“Junk in the trunk, dude. Awesome.”
“Okay - three strikes for each of you! And I’m making you take Sheldon’s course.”
Leonard shook his head vigorously as he left the restroom, as if hoping Howard’s and Raj’s words would somehow fall out. He waved at the Sawyers as they tiredly got into their car, armed with coffee and snacks. As he approached Kate’s SUV, he automatically went to open the door for her; she was carrying a tired Mandy. He instinctively held his arms out for the little girl and put her into the car, making sure to properly strap her in. Kate flashed him an exhausted but grateful smile, maybe the first genuine smile she had spared him since they met. She looked beat. His hand rose of its own volition and lightly stroked her cheek.
“Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll drive the rest of the way.”
“Are you sure?” she asked quietly, studying him in a manner that made him feel strangely aroused.
“Yeah,” he reassured her, opening the passenger side door so she could get in. “In any case it’s my turn now, and we should be there in an hour.”
She nodded and got in just as Howard and Raj, who had gone into the convenience store, joined them and clambered in as well, Howard giving him a broad wink. Leonard pointedly ignored him. He got in and adjusted the seat and rear-view mirror, briefly noting Sam and the twins dozing in the back, Sam with her head nuzzled on Jim’s shoulder, and his head resting on hers.
Young love. It was a sweet sight, if they but knew it.
***
Leonard had not really known the taste of fear until that night.
But when he drove up to the Cooper residence, he felt it like a sucker punch to his gut. There were at least three police cruisers and two ambulances out front, red and blue lights flashing silently, ominously, in the darkness. People milled about the front yard, some of them with firearms apparent in their hands.
“Guys,” he said quietly, not wanting to wake Penny’s sisters. “Raj, Howard.”
“What?” Raj replied dozily, as Howard yawned and blearily opened his eyes.
“Take a look.” He drove cautiously, truly scared at what awaited them at the Coopers.
“What’s going on? Wait, are those cars...? Yeah, that’s Michael’s. I recognise the vanity plate!” Raj whispered hoarsely.
“Holy shit. What the hell happened here?” Howard sounded as shocked as Leonard felt.
Leonard tensed as a few law enforcement officers started approaching their vehicle, guns at the ready. He slowed to a stop and swiftly exited the SUV, closely followed by his two friends. He gestured at the Sawyers to stay put in their car as they pulled in behind him.
“Keep your hands where I can see ‘em,” one of the cops said. Three pairs of hands shot right up into the air. “Identify yourselves.”
Leonard complied. “We’re friends of Sheldon Cooper. What’s going on here, officer?”
“That’s Deputy, and you’d best come with me.”
Leonard’s stomach plummeted to the vicinity of his feet. He resisted the urge to panic even though enough bile had risen in his gullet to choke him. They were brought to a robust policewoman, the Sheriff apparently, who peered down at him suspiciously.
“I’m Sheriff Maggie Dylan,” she introduced herself gruffly, “I hear you’re friends of Sheldon?”
“Yes. Is he all right? Good lord, what’s going on? And what about Penny? Those are her parents back there... are they okay? Is that Michael’s car? What the hell happened here?” Leonard went from frightened to frantic.
“Relax, kid,” the Sheriff reassured him. “We managed to get Shelly and Penny out of here before it all went to hell in a handbasket. But Michael and Gus and we think a couple of other guys slipped through somehow. I’m just getting a posse together to follow them.”
“We’re coming too!” This, very surprisingly came from Raj. Leonard inanely wondered if Howard had spiked his juice box.
“We are?” Howard asked, looking at his partner-in-crime as if he had lost his mind. Raj shot him a dirty look. “Hell, yeah we are!”
“Can you shoot?” The Sheriff asked.
“You mean with a gun?” Howard asked, his voice getting more high-pitched by the second.
“No, with a basketball! Of course with a gun, Howard!” Leonard cried, his fear mounting at the thought of where Sheldon and Penny could possibly be.
“I’m Jewish! In times of crisis we do guilt not guns.”
“We do guns,” Kate’s quiet but firm voice stated from behind them. The Sawyers stood behind their oldest daughter. Sam and the twins still a way back by the SUV, keeping an eye on Mandy who was still asleep inside.
“Aunt Maggie!”
They all turned to see a statuesque brunette and a tall, blond, built - well, cowboy - striding towards them.
“Missy!” Leonard called out.
“Leonard! What are y’all doing here?” Sheldon’s sister looked surprised and then she noticed Raj, who looked bashful and ducked his head in embarrassment.
“Rajesh, right?” Missy asked him. He nodded and gave her a small smile. The cowboy looked at Raj and frowned, but said nothing.
“Howard Wolowitz, enchanté,” Howard sidled up to Missy with a smarmy smile before Leonard yanked him back.
“Focus, Howard!” he yelled before addressing Missy. “We were all at the wedding. Sheldon and Penny ran out mid-ceremony and Michael and his family were on their tails. We had no clue what was going on but I figured if Sheldon had any say in the matter, and knowing Sheldon, of course he did, they would come here. So we came here too - to this! You want catch us up, Missy?”
“Yeah, Sheldon and Penny did come straight here. These goons not far behind. It’s crazy, they’re gangsters. We found out something about a heist of some sort from one of their guys over there but that’s about it,” she blew out a breath in frustration. “Now Sheldon and Penny are out there with Michael and Gus after them.”
“Oh no!”
“Eeep!”
“What the frak?”
“Don’t worry,” the Sheriff reassured them. “Sheldon and Penny are armed and they’re on horseback. Plus, I don’t think these goombahs are any good at tracking people...”
“Wait. Sheldon’s got a gun?” Leonard’s mind boggled at the thought.
“Sheldon’s on a horse?” Apparently, the notion was sufficiently ludicrous to get Raj to comment even with Missy in hearing range.
“Penny with a gun and on a horse. Hot.” No prizes for guessing whose mouth that came from, and Leonard just rolled his eyes heavenward and begged the universe for patience.
Kate, on the other hand, was much more demonstrative as she whacked Howard upside the head.
***
Penny held onto Sheldon’s hand as they followed Meemaw through the trees, both of them leading their horses as they headed towards her trailer. Admittedly, Penny was still a little freaked out by the woman; she so did not fit the image Penny had in her head when Sheldon had spoken of his grandmother in the past.
Then again, she had just survived a shoot-out between all the women of Sheldon’s family and the gangster relations of her ex-fiancé.
This night couldn’t possibly get any more insane, could it?
Scratch that.
Apparently, it could.
They ground to a halt as they reached the small clearing outside Meemaw’s trailer, all of them shocked to see Michael, Uncle Gus and five of Michael’s so-called cousins leaning against their cars, nonchalantly waiting for them as if they hadn’t a care in the world.
“Just who in hell are you?” Meemaw yelled crankily at Michael as he approached them, Uncle Gus two steps behind him as usual.
“These are the gangsters I was telling you about, Meemaw,” Sheldon supplied helpfully. Penny cringed and grasped his hand tighter to yank him down to her level.
“He’s annoyed enough already, don’t add fuel to the fire,” she warned him. “We’re outnumbered.”
“Excellent point,” he conceded, just as his grandmother raised her rifle, keeping it steadily pointed at Michael’s head.
“That’s far enough, boy. You’re about as welcome here as a skunk at a lawn party. I’m giving you two minutes to get the hell off my property,” she yelled, her voice surprisingly strong. Mike stalled in his tracks, momentarily nonplussed. Then he laughed. And Penny wanted to kick him in the balls.
And you know what? She had just about had it with this ridiculous night. She let Sheldon go and took two steps forward.
“All right, Mike,” she started, trying to reason with the overgrown ape. What the hell had she ever seen in him, anyway? She musta been drunk outta her mind the day she agreed to marry him. Thank God for Sheldon. “I get that you’re upset. I know I should have talked to you first, before leaving you at the altar like that. I understand, and I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. But I don’t love you. I... I couldn’t go through with it. I’m sorry,” she looked pleadingly at him. “Please. Just leave us alone and go on your way. I’m sure you’ll find someone else to love and make you way happier than I ever could have...”
“Oh, please,” Michael smirked, and then dissolved into outright laughter. Even Uncle Gus cracked a smile. “I didn’t come here for you. I don’t give a damn about you - you were just convenient. Not to mention easy,” he smirked again, although this time, the smile was smarmy. And kicking him in the balls was starting to sound real good to Penny.
Sheldon huffed in anger but Penny shot his a quelling look just as Meemaw poked Penny in the back with a bony finger. “You gonna let him talk to you like that?”
Penny turned to look at her and shook her head. “No ma’am.” She faced Mike again. “Why the hell are you here and what the hell do you want, asshole?” She demanded.
“You have something that belongs to me. Give me your bag,” Mike ground out, all trace of amusement vanishing from his face.
“My bag?” Penny asked in astonishment.
Mike took a menacing step towards her, but before he could come any closer, both Meemaw and Sheldon raised their weapons from where they stood, flanking Penny.
“You take one more step towards my Shelly’s girl and I will put one right b’tween yer eyes,” Meemaw warned, giving Mike a run for his money in the menacing department.
“I don’t think that would be a good move on your part, you old hag,” Mike snarled, and with a quick motion of his hand, all his men pulled out their weapons.
“Hey! No one talks about Meemaw that way!” Sheldon sputtered angrily, but Penny put a calming hand on his arm, truly frightened now. These men had had no qualms about shooting at a houseful of women, they sure as hell weren’t going to think twice before they started shooting now.
“Wait!” She yelled at Mike. “I’ll give you my bag, just let us go.”
“First, drop your weapons,” Mike commanded.
Meemaw cackled. “The engine’s running but ain’t nobody drivin’ up in there,” she scoffed, pointing to Mike’s head with the business end of her rifle.
“And make the old bat shut the hell up,” Mike added as if she hadn’t spoken.
“Mike, for God’s sake, what the hell’s gotten into you?” Penny bristled. “Just take the damn bag and go away.”
“Penny, don’t give him that bag,” Sheldon warned, pulling her back when she made to move forward. “They’re criminals, they need to be brought to justice.”
“By you and what army, Sheldon?” Penny muttered harshly under her breath.
“The one in the trees behind them,” Sheldon stated loudly, his ruse so glaringly obvious that Michael laughed.
“Give it up, Nutty Professor,” Mike taunted, “that’s like the oldest trick in the book and we’re not falling for it.” Then he seemed to reconsider and yelled at a couple of his ‘cousins’ to go take a look around. “Now, hand over the bag, doc.”
“That’s Dr. Cooper, PhD. to you,” Sheldon spat, grabbing Penny’s backpack before she could toss it over to Michael. “Could you open it? Just trust me,” he told her, when she looked at him in frustration. So she did, and he emptied the contents onto the dirt.
“Sheldon!” Penny squawked just as Mike yelled, “No!”
“Don’t worry,” Uncle Gus reassured him, stepping forward into the light that shone from Meemaw’s trailer.
“Hoo-whee!” Meemaw exclaimed. “Someone done beat him with an ugly stick!”
Penny resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands.
Sheldon, meanwhile, was rummaging through her things. When he finally straightened, he was holding the Penny Blossom crown that he had made for her in his hands. He looked down at it quizzically and then looked up at Mike and Gus, understanding slowly dawning on his face. Before Penny could ask him about it, he spoke.
“Diamonds,” Sheldon stated, peering down at the Penny Blossom crown in the dim light. “This is exquisite work,” he ventured, sounding genuinely impressed. “Uncle Gus, I presume.”
The older man preened. “Yeah,” he took the credit. “I was going to put them on the wedding dress but...”
“Oh, this is far handier,” Sheldon agreed with his unspoken statement, and Gus nodded enthusiastically. “And less bulky to pack,” he explained.
“Plus, the adhesive is quite remarkable. Look how well they’ve attached!” Sheldon looked at Uncle Gus in wonder. “We’ve had numerous problems with glue in the past. Where did you buy this?”
“Wal-Mart!” Uncle Gus supplied jovially, “they have everything!”
“I’ll be sure to check it out. I have to reiterate, though, your workmanship and attention to detail quite rivals mine,” Sheldon praised, and even in the dim light, Penny could have sworn Uncle Gus blushed as he thanked Sheldon and shyly ducked his head.
She and Mike looked at each other in complete and utter bewilderment for a good minute before Mike shook himself out of it. He turned to Gus and yelled.
“Would you shut up about the damn glue and go get the diamonds?”
Uncle Gus took a step towards them, just as Sheldon carefully put the Penny Blossom crown back inside the backpack. “I’m afraid I can’t let that happen, gentlemen,” he informed them stoically.
“Why the hell not?” Mike asked in exasperation, looking as though he’d stumbled into the Twilight Zone. Penny could commiserate.
Sheldon smiled.
Penny gulped.
That was his evil-Mua-ha-ha-Sheldon smile.
Sheldon and Meemaw smirked at each other before he turned back to Michael. “Because all hell is about to break lose, and you’re about to go up in flames.”
“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfu...”
“Meemaw!”
Penny’s hysterical laughter rang out into the night along with the first gunshot.
***
Somehow, Leonard had ended up in the little posse that included Howard, Raj, Jim, Johnny, Sam and thank God for small mercies, because he would have pissed in his pants in abject terror otherwise, Kate.
Except that Kate had disappeared into the woods with her big gun and now he was alone the four stooges and Penny’s youngest sister.
So of course, that’s when they had spotted one of Michael’s goon cousins coming towards their hiding place armed with a gun.
And they were all unarmed.
And arguing over who could take the bad guy out.
Leonard pressed his hands to his throbbing temples.
“Howard and I can take him, right Howard?” Raj whispered.
“Er... he may be the girliest of Michael’s cousins, dude,” Howard responded, “but he still looks like he could bench press me.”
“No way!” Johnny argued. “We’re not letting you guys hog all the glory when Sam’s watching. Jim and I will take him.”
Jim frowned at his brother. “Where are we taking him?”
“You guys realize he has a gun and we don’t, right?” Leonard felt obligated to remind them. “A real gun. With real bullets. That kill real people. Like us.”
“Good point,” Raj conceded. “How about all of us take him?”
Howard considered it. “Sounds like a plan.”
Johnny nodded in agreement. “On Three.”
“Wait, wait!” Jim interrupted. “On Three or after Three?”
“On Three.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Leonard moaned, knowing he was going to regret this but quite unable to let his friends go to their doom alone.
“One, Two, Three!”
All five guys turned around ready to fight off Michael’s cousin-with-the-gun, only to see him lying flat on his back, completely out cold, with Sam standing over him, his gun now cradled in her hand.
She crooked an eyebrow at them. “What? I was getting tired waiting for all you big, strong men to get your asses in gear,” she deadpanned.
“Now, come on, Snow-White, Cinderella, Belle, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Jasmine. Let’s keep moving.”
Leonard vaguely wondered which Disney Princess he was. He called Snow White, because right now he felt surrounded by a whole lot of Dopeys.
“Hmm. Did she mean me Jasmine, or you Jasmine?” Howard asked Raj.
“Dude, what kind of question is that? I’m the dark-skinned, exotic one.”
***
When the dust settled and the guns fell silent, Penny found herself standing in front of a stunned Michael, as he grimaced and fell to his knees, clutching his crotch in agony.
She smiled nastily down at him as the Sheriff slapped him into a pair of cuffs.
“Nice one,” Maggie complimented her, as Meemaw raised her hand. Penny giggled as she high-fived Sheldon’s grandmother.
She was so in love with her trigger-happy, gun-toting, batshit-crazy future in-laws.
“Are you all right?” Sheldon asked, running up and hugging her.
“I’m awesome, sweetie,” Penny smiled and kissed him, soft and sweet. “Although, for a minute there, I was afraid we were done for.”
“Not a Snowball’s chance in cat-scanner,” Sheldon assured her, and she giggled.
“You were amazing.”
“He’s a son of Texas, ‘course he’s amazing,” Meemaw grinned, opening up her arms for a hug that Sheldon happily walked into. “You gone ‘n’ done me proud, baby boy. I like your little lady.”
“I knew you would, Meemaw,” Sheldon smiled down at his beloved grandmother even as he pulled Penny into his arms.
Soon they were surrounded by his whole family as the rest of the cops took away Michael, Uncle Gus and the rest of their men.
Penny was stunned to suddenly see her sisters and the twins and - goodness - Leonard, Howard and Raj walking towards them.
Sheldon too looked at them in shock and they hurried over to their friends, Penny getting a little worried when she saw that Leonard had a hand over his face and appeared to be in pain.
“Leonard, sweetie, are you okay? What happened?”
“Your sister happened.” Leonard groused.
“I said I was sorry!” Kate exclaimed. “It was dark out there! I thought you were a bad guy!”
Leonard glared at her as Penny giggled. The sound made Leonard turn towards her, a big smile stretching across his face. “Penny! I’m so glad you’re safe!” He hugged her and then Sheldon. “You too, Sheldon!”
And suddenly there were hugs all ‘round.
“I’m not quite comfortable with this degree of physicality with people I barely know,” Sheldon muttered grumpily.
“I hear ya, man,” Jim agreed wholeheartedly.
Everyone hugged them both anyway, and Penny laughed.
“I still can’t believe you punched me!” Leonard whined at Kate. “I bruise easily too. You’ve probably given me a black eye!”
“Jesus!” Kate exclaimed in frustration. “I said I’m sorry! What else do you want me to do?”
“I think...” Leonard took a deep breath and looked Penny’s older sister squarely in the eye. “I think you should kiss it better.”
“I... You... Wait. What?” Kate looked stunned. Leonard smirked at her, and she blushed. She actually blushed. Penny and Sam shared a look as the couple moved in for a kiss. And holy crap, what a freakin’ spectacular kiss!
“How does he always get to kiss the girl?” Howard lamented. Raj gamely pecked him on the cheek. Howard shrugged. “Better than nothing, I suppose.”
Jim seemed to take all the love in the air as a good sign. “Sam, do you want to go to the prom with me?”
“What?”
Johnny baulked. “Hey! I was going to ask her!”
“Well, then why didn’t you?”
“I was working up to it.”
“Fine, then ask her,” Jim challenged his twin. “She can pick who she wants to go with.”
“Jeez, I don’t want to ask her now!” Johnny argued, rolling his eyes in consternation. “You already did. Then we’d have to fight over her and it’d get ugly and then there’ll be a rift between us and we won’t talk to each other for years and we’ll be estranged and shit. It’s way too complicated.”
“Are you going to stand there and prognosticate or are you going to ask her to the prom?”
“Excellent use of the word ‘prognosticate’,” Sheldon commended.
“Thank you,” Jim responded gravely. “I have a vocabulary and I’m not afraid to use it.”
“Good for you. Penny, you should take a page out of his book.”
“Thanks, Sheldon, but could we return to the other conversation, you know, the interesting one where two cute boys want to take my baby sister to prom?”
“What? Oh, yeah. Jim, Jimmy, James - bro! Girls may come and go but bros are forever. Are we really going to let Sam come between us?”
“Girls may come and go for you, John, but Sam’s the only one for me.”
“Aww,” Penny sighed.
Sam rolled her eyes. “You’re such a sap.” She looked at Johnny. “Dude, I love you like a brother. But I’m kind of in love with your brother.”
“You’re in love with me?” Jim asked in wonder, just as Johnny succinctly said, “Shoot. Blew my chance.”
“Since we were kids. You were just too wrapped up in your books to notice,” Sam informed him.
Jim smiled tentatively at her. “I’m noticing now.”
Howard rolled his eyes. “Just kiss her and get it over with.”
And for once, someone took Howard’s advice and it didn’t have disastrous consequences.
***
August 10, 2011
When Penny got married for the second time in less than a week, the Penny Blossom crown she wore on her head was studded with rhinestones and not stolen diamonds.
The workmanship and the effect were still exquisite, though.
This time, the right man stood by her side, quietly speaking his vows in a small church in his hometown with both their families and their wonderful friends filling the pews.
This time the smile on her face was for him alone.
This time she was truly happy.
This time, they made it all the way to the end of the ceremony.
And if a certain scary grandmother witnessed the blessed event with a big-ass Winchester rifle resting on her lap, well, no one thought it strange enough - or was brave enough, and rightly so - to comment.
***