Foreign Tastes (Fanfic)
Title: Foreign Tastes
Summary: Francis tells his brother Matthieu everything he ever wanted to not know.
Rating: T
Because: Women are cruel beasts
Character(s): France with sidekick Canada
A/N: Oneshot, first person, AU. Can also be read on my fanfiction.net and DeviantArt account.
You want to have an English girlfriend do you, mon ami? [1] Yes, it is always exciting to have a foreign girlfriend. It's harder to become bored when there are so many unknowns to explore. And, if something inappropriate where to happen you can always blame your lack of understanding of the other's culture. Easy, right? Sadly not so. There is a lot to having an English girlfriend. Boiling it down it's not that different to the care you have to undertake when you are at home in France, but that skin layer is essential if you wish to know the girl longer than thirty minuets. So sit here on this brick wall with your brother, and he'll teach you what to do~!
First, you must study. Learn the mysterious ways the English think, why they are called the English as opposed to the Welsh or Scots; or the Irish when they remember who owns them. I know there is hardly a noteworthy difference between the Scots and the Irish, just pretend there is and no one will get hurt.
Now you must remember what the English consider offensive as opposed to us and why that is. The backwards victory sign? That may look like a peace sign to an oblivious American, but we know better! And it's never harmful to learn how to carry multiple pints at the same time in a bar. Barbaric as it may seem, the English greatly admire those who bring them their drinks faster. Customer service is still considered a mythical event over La Manche [2], and your name will be remembered for years in that pub. Since kind service is a rarity, be careful not to do it too much to strangers as they will suspect that you are up to no good.
Once you found yourself in their territory you must feign ignorance of any knowledge you have of their culture, along with any assumptions. Why is this? You may be asking yourself. What is the point to learning it all in the first place? Because when you do that you are setting their expectations low. They will constantly be pleasantly surprised on how you catch on quickly, or better yet- are easily forgiven when you accidentally do something unfavorable.
Now, the girls in England like their chocolat [3] just as much as our girls over here. In a sense it will always be first to flowers, but they will be expecting the bouquets more. You know, because we are from France, not Switzerland. At first they will only agree to date you because of your ability to speak French. Our reputation proceeds us in the ways of our romantic culture. At first this sounds really wonderful, but then reality sinks in because you'll be expected to carry that out flawlessly. Unfair yes, but that's why we feign ignorance. Makes the playing field a little more balanced.
Now eventually you'll get into a fight- don't look at me that way! It's natural when you get to know someone long enough, eventually you'll get into a fight. We are brothers, are we not? Tell me we don't argue.
That's what I thought.
Anyways, when you get into a fight you must think carefully. Do not ever let rage control you. When you get into an argument, always assume that you are the one who is wrong. It doesn't matter how bluntly obvious she is at fault. If she doesn't see it, any remark you give on the matter will dig you a deeper hole. Unless she says so, you can't win even if you are right.
What was that? What do you do if she knows, but will not admit it? That is your choice what to do, not mine! If things become too out of control, let her do the breaking up. No, I don't want to hear about your manly pride. There is no such thing when dealing with women. Trying to even work with such delicate material is just asking- no, just begging her to rip it from the seams-
Why date women? That is an excellent question, why do we date such creatures who hurt us so? What? No, I am not crying. The sun just got into my eyes...
Listen mon ami, there is something very important to remember when dating English women. Don't do it, she'll rip your heart out. She'll rip your throat on the way to get to your heart. She could have started at the chest, possibly even given you some pain killers but no. You anger her and she'll do everything in her power to destroy you. She'll rip out your still beating heart and crush it under her pointy, pointy heels. Even if what you did was truly and purely an honest accident. She'll give you this look as if it was your plan all along, to torment her. Forgets what you have done for your anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. Apparently the sole reason you wanted to get with her was to humiliate her and try making it look like an accident. Yes, that's why I've spent all of that money on her! To trick her into thinking I loved her, ha!
Mattieu, where are you going?
...
[1] That's 'my friend' in masculine. Feminine would be mon amie. No, I don't see why this matters either.
[2] It's French for the English Channel. Surprisingly not meaning 'Limey's Creek' but 'The Sleeve'.
[3] Why do the French spell chocolate that way? Why do the English, Americans and English Canadians put a silent e on the end of it? Again, who knows.
Summary: Francis tells his brother Matthieu everything he ever wanted to not know.
Rating: T
Because: Women are cruel beasts
Character(s): France with sidekick Canada
A/N: Oneshot, first person, AU. Can also be read on my fanfiction.net and DeviantArt account.
You want to have an English girlfriend do you, mon ami? [1] Yes, it is always exciting to have a foreign girlfriend. It's harder to become bored when there are so many unknowns to explore. And, if something inappropriate where to happen you can always blame your lack of understanding of the other's culture. Easy, right? Sadly not so. There is a lot to having an English girlfriend. Boiling it down it's not that different to the care you have to undertake when you are at home in France, but that skin layer is essential if you wish to know the girl longer than thirty minuets. So sit here on this brick wall with your brother, and he'll teach you what to do~!
First, you must study. Learn the mysterious ways the English think, why they are called the English as opposed to the Welsh or Scots; or the Irish when they remember who owns them. I know there is hardly a noteworthy difference between the Scots and the Irish, just pretend there is and no one will get hurt.
Now you must remember what the English consider offensive as opposed to us and why that is. The backwards victory sign? That may look like a peace sign to an oblivious American, but we know better! And it's never harmful to learn how to carry multiple pints at the same time in a bar. Barbaric as it may seem, the English greatly admire those who bring them their drinks faster. Customer service is still considered a mythical event over La Manche [2], and your name will be remembered for years in that pub. Since kind service is a rarity, be careful not to do it too much to strangers as they will suspect that you are up to no good.
Once you found yourself in their territory you must feign ignorance of any knowledge you have of their culture, along with any assumptions. Why is this? You may be asking yourself. What is the point to learning it all in the first place? Because when you do that you are setting their expectations low. They will constantly be pleasantly surprised on how you catch on quickly, or better yet- are easily forgiven when you accidentally do something unfavorable.
Now, the girls in England like their chocolat [3] just as much as our girls over here. In a sense it will always be first to flowers, but they will be expecting the bouquets more. You know, because we are from France, not Switzerland. At first they will only agree to date you because of your ability to speak French. Our reputation proceeds us in the ways of our romantic culture. At first this sounds really wonderful, but then reality sinks in because you'll be expected to carry that out flawlessly. Unfair yes, but that's why we feign ignorance. Makes the playing field a little more balanced.
Now eventually you'll get into a fight- don't look at me that way! It's natural when you get to know someone long enough, eventually you'll get into a fight. We are brothers, are we not? Tell me we don't argue.
That's what I thought.
Anyways, when you get into a fight you must think carefully. Do not ever let rage control you. When you get into an argument, always assume that you are the one who is wrong. It doesn't matter how bluntly obvious she is at fault. If she doesn't see it, any remark you give on the matter will dig you a deeper hole. Unless she says so, you can't win even if you are right.
What was that? What do you do if she knows, but will not admit it? That is your choice what to do, not mine! If things become too out of control, let her do the breaking up. No, I don't want to hear about your manly pride. There is no such thing when dealing with women. Trying to even work with such delicate material is just asking- no, just begging her to rip it from the seams-
Why date women? That is an excellent question, why do we date such creatures who hurt us so? What? No, I am not crying. The sun just got into my eyes...
Listen mon ami, there is something very important to remember when dating English women. Don't do it, she'll rip your heart out. She'll rip your throat on the way to get to your heart. She could have started at the chest, possibly even given you some pain killers but no. You anger her and she'll do everything in her power to destroy you. She'll rip out your still beating heart and crush it under her pointy, pointy heels. Even if what you did was truly and purely an honest accident. She'll give you this look as if it was your plan all along, to torment her. Forgets what you have done for your anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. Apparently the sole reason you wanted to get with her was to humiliate her and try making it look like an accident. Yes, that's why I've spent all of that money on her! To trick her into thinking I loved her, ha!
Mattieu, where are you going?
...
[1] That's 'my friend' in masculine. Feminine would be mon amie. No, I don't see why this matters either.
[2] It's French for the English Channel. Surprisingly not meaning 'Limey's Creek' but 'The Sleeve'.
[3] Why do the French spell chocolate that way? Why do the English, Americans and English Canadians put a silent e on the end of it? Again, who knows.