(no subject)
i havn't updated in a long time and i don't think i'll be updating about passed things. only if i need to i guess. like i got the job at toni&guy and i like it alot. it's like Toni&Guy is making me friend with everyone. i meet really sweet people just being up at the mall. it's cool. and it really makes me feel like i'm doing something right. i'm helping myself. i'm getting a job done. i'm helping others. i'm creating good energy and recieving it from others. i really like the other "new girl" lindsey. i've only known her a week maybe but i feel a close friendship with her. she's got this way of making me feel calm. it's always good to have people to talk to. i always have syd to talk to and she's really number 1 friend to me. but it's nice to be able to talk to someone else every now and then and give syd a break. and i think she feels the same way. we have fun and we talk about our problems but we're both the same. it's god to just take some easy time. i always love our car adventures though. it's like a whole other world or universe or life that's just me and her and everything is just somehow different.
i've been smoking more and i don't think thats good. there are just some things that just aren't good right now. but they may be getting better.
some days i look in the mall and wish i was the kind of person that was so dull with a dull completely unexciting life and then i wouldn't have to worry about things because nothing would ever happen and i'd have no overwhelming emotions. but despite everything i've still greatful for this life i lead. if knowing the people i know and learning the things i do and having this though process and brain i have means suffering and pain every now and again i truely believe it's worth it.
i want to get my new tattoo soon. i'm the worst at saving money. i was paid 100dollars this past weekend for choreographing/teaching/judging a routine and i spent some of it on clothes and most of it on food. mom even gave me 20 extra bucks. i'm lame.
i really love my mom. it's the times that i really need her ad she knows just how to be there that i really remind myself why i understand all the bad time and why they're so easy to get over. my life is good, i'm not going to say it's not. it's just difficult at times. but who's isn't.
do you know how long it's been since my last hair washing? coz i don't. i was trying to wait till i could get it done at work but i always work untill close. so i'm doing it tomorrow. i bought my first discounted styling product tonight. i like it but Eli laughed at me. i'm glad i get along so well with everyone. mostly everyone. i think one girl doesn't like me. for no reason of fucking course. i hate that. and people like that. it's pointless and senseless. and stupid. but work is going well and i'm getting more and more comfortable. and the paycheck should be adding up nicely. i'm a sucker for a paycheck. i just like the feel of earning my own money.
me and the tv are growing apart. there was seriously a time where i'd make sure the remote was on my bed when i went to sleep just because it made me feel better. but most of my favorite shows are ending and i'm always missing full house and roseanne. except at night sometimes. i don't eat anything anymore. it's like all i do is drink water and then when i'm out with syd i eat. i ate fries today. i had cereal before work. i'm just not hungry. and i havn't had a chance to excersize as of late. i guess nothing pleases me enough to really eat anymore. i'm feeling like i'm getting in a rut with alot of things, clothes, makeup, my hair, food, tv. those things shouldn't be so important. or are those the things that are supposed to be important?
all i know is i like my job, i love my best friend and my mom, and i'm happy with who i am right now.
i'm still sad. and still unfocused. but it's easing. coz this time it's alot different than before. it's not mine to tell. and if it was i could not know where to start.