(no subject)
I have been putting off this entry for a couple weeks in hopes that what this is about would change or improve in some way. and it hasn't. and it's driving me nuts.
If you've been following this for a while, or you just know, you will get this...
The saturday before last was October 14th.
I didn't want this journal to be about him anymore. or my agonizing over things i can't seem to get out of my head. And when i spoke with kip the other night i told him how i was pretty surprised (along with tired of) that this has dragged out so long. I never imagined, even before i let myself be fully convinced that we'd never separate, that after the years that have passed.. i could still be so heartbroken over this. i do feel sorry for myself. I've cleaned up my act so much since the relationship ended. I feel like i deserve to move on from this, and believe me i've tried. i've tried and i've trudged through smiles, through conversations and hoping that this is all looking up.
But for over a week before the 14th i caught almost every 10:14 on the clock. And then the day of... michael even got a missed call at 10:14 at night.. he had more than one missed call that night but for some reason he specifically mentioned the time of that one call.. not even the name of the person but just the time. and he didn't know what the numbers meant to me.
There was one time that i never talked about in october of 2004. It was a few months after we had broken up and he called me around the time of my birthday. I don't know the whole story. I just know that the night we spoke on the phone felt real. To me it was the same old us like before. and like we were finally getting passed things. But it turned out i misunderstood and i was indeed misled. He had said things to me like "no you call me, i want to see if you're serious about this." and of course, of fucking course because i was still in love i wanted more than anything to have my best friend back. I knew we were not the same people, but thats why i wanted it back.
There was one day that i came by to talk and was invited in. We ended up smoking, me him and a couple of his friends. well josh didn't smoke. Went inside and they played video games. There are some things that i am not mistaken about. it was either his username or password. either way i know i saw it was still 1014.
That was still within the year and breakups like that are always hard for everyone to get over. It's hard to get out of the pattern. But the number just seems like it will always stand significant.
On that saturday the 14th I felt sick all day. Even so i tried to forget about it. I knew i was going to feel a bit weird about it no matter what but i made it a point to tell myself it's passing. i'm getting over it. So i didn't write this earlier. i felt no need to.
This isn't giving up on trying to let it go. But it is revealing the number of things i always try to keep secret from everyone. So i didn't say anything.. but sometimes everyone has limits to what they don't let out. And it pushed its way out.
Since the 14th of this month i have still caught almost every 10:14. more customer's totals are coming out to 1014. barcodes, digits on credit cards, even numbers on the mileage of my car read 1014. What boggles me the most is the timing. why right now? and why not other numbers that often?
I try very hard not to think of him. at all. And i've become myself. but it gets dicouraging that i feel sick or nervous when i come across something i want to get into or am interested in and realised that it is something that he's into or was into or along those lines. I feel bad. i feel like i'm intruding or ruining whatever the thing is.
I remeber during the week of the breakup; the days before during and after. He told me "I miss you." My dad cleared that up for me. He missed the girl i was before it all turned to shit. I know what he meant because now i miss him too. We are very different from who we were around that time. Did we grow up in a fashion as if we had never happened? as if we never ruined eachother?
i almost do regret being in love with him at a young age or even at all. It's a huge risk to let someone tell you the things they will and believe the things they will say. I made a promise. yes i fucked up. yes i was cruel and crazy. But i did make a promise that i still to this day would hold. If the situation ever surfaced. That doesn't mean i'm sitting around hoping he'll come back. or crossing my fingers day in and day out wishing to have something back that actually was better that i lost.
More than anything i pray to get the things i know i deserve. I know in a generic idea what those things are. But i do not know specifics.
I just wish the best for myself
and the people i care about.