Losing family
I had to put Roscoe to sleep tonight.
We had X-rays done as Dad said he seemed to be getting worse.
WAY WAY SHORT background: He was acting stiff and tired, then
declined in a matter of ~2 weeks to not being able to crawl.
Took to the vet, lots of drugs and money later, we have a happy
but paraplegic dog with a severe case of heart worms and what we
are told was tick paralysis. We wanted to see if he would recover,
so we gave him some time. But the last 2 weeks brought us to now.
Just from the last rib to the tail, he had at least 3 vertebrae
that were too close together. The Vet said it was either calcification
(unlikely by the normalized size and shape) or pinched/ruptured
discs (much more likely). Also the heart worms were really dragging
him down. Vet said there was nerve damage in the spine which was
causing the loss of movement, and it was possible (and expensive)
but highly unlikely that surgery would help for a long term fix.
He also told us that Roscoe was losing more feeling and motor control
in his front legs as well. His colon was overly full due to lack
of proper feeling or control of his bowels, which was not helping
the situation any either. That will make his insides become toxic,
if you've never had the unlucky issue come up for you or a pet.
Roscoe, at his usual healthy weight, was between 60-70 lbs. He was 47 lbs
2 weeks ago, and based on lifting him tonight, even lower now. He was
skeletal from muscle loss, still somewhat confused when he tried to move
and it didn't work right (though I don't think there was alot of my
dog left inside by that point), and his eyes had lost hope.
That's really what set me off. For the past decade, one of the biggest
problems we had with Roscoe was that he refused to give up...always had
to fight for his way. Put him on a run line when he was a puppy, he'd either
pull the 6x6x8 and the 200 lbs of concrete out of the ground or snap the
braided steel cable. We put in an invisible fence that would shock him through
the collar if he tried to leave the area. He dug up the line and chewed through
it while it zapped him (and that shit hurt btw). Put him in a fenced in lot,
he'd dig under it. Pour concrete around it and he just learned to pull on
the chain link until it warped enough for him to squeeze out.
My dog never gave up. For good or bad, he never stopped. But when
I looked into Roscoe's eyes while he was laying on the table at the
Vet's tonight, I didn't see that fight. I didn't see the constant planning
or the curiosity that drove him to get out so he could sniff the new batch
of flowers around the corner. I just saw sad, brown eyes.
The only thing that hurt worse as having to actually sign my name on the
line that said I consented to euthanasia...with him on the table next to
me watching. At first I said I couldn't be there when it happened, but
as we sat with Roscoe I realized something.
I had always said with pride that I rescued that dog from being abandoned
when he was a puppy, maybe 6 months old. Dad, when he was pissed at me,
would make hints that I was ignoring that Roscoe was still there (that was
bullshit, but also beside the point).
Now that we were having to put him to sleep, if I wouldn't be there, I
would be abandoning him. I wouldn't be there to comfort him in his
last moments, or stroke his big ass head while it rested in my hand. I
couldn't imagine allowing him to be without me during that time...and yes
it was probably selfish, but I didn't want to let him go without him knowing
that I loved him and was there for him in the final moments before his
suffering ended.
I'm not ashamed to admit I cried like a baby when it started to sink in
what we were going to do. I cried very hard when they started the injections.
But after it was done, any guilt I might've had left went away. I made his
suffering stop and I was holding him when he faded into sleep. I'm still very
sad and I'm crying again now while writing this, with Spirit whining beside me.
We now think that some of the recent storms probably knocked a tree limb down on
him, causing the spinal injury. Because he rarely showed or responded to pain,
no one knew there was an issue until it was very obvious. On top of the fact he
was 10, almost 11, years old and had heart worms, it was all just too much.
We started working on the grave tonight after Dad and I got back home. I got all
the brush cleared away (with a shovel and an anger that things dared to be in the
way of Roscoe's resting place) and dug out the perimeter. But shamefully, I had
to stop. It was still about 90 sometime after 8 while we were out there and the
humidity felt like it was 120%. I had to stop because I couldn't get my breath.
And this wasn't an out of shape issue, this was body not going to allow it issue.
I still have a headache from not being able to get my breath, even though I'm
breathing now. The Vet is keeping Roscoe's body for us until we get the grave
ready, so the plan is to finish the grave tomorrow and then bury him properly.
Once I think I'll be composed enough to do it (this will take a bit), I'm going
to go back and put down concrete in an outline of the area, maybe fill it in.
But in the concrete will be two small lengths of broken chain.
We had X-rays done as Dad said he seemed to be getting worse.
WAY WAY SHORT background: He was acting stiff and tired, then
declined in a matter of ~2 weeks to not being able to crawl.
Took to the vet, lots of drugs and money later, we have a happy
but paraplegic dog with a severe case of heart worms and what we
are told was tick paralysis. We wanted to see if he would recover,
so we gave him some time. But the last 2 weeks brought us to now.
Just from the last rib to the tail, he had at least 3 vertebrae
that were too close together. The Vet said it was either calcification
(unlikely by the normalized size and shape) or pinched/ruptured
discs (much more likely). Also the heart worms were really dragging
him down. Vet said there was nerve damage in the spine which was
causing the loss of movement, and it was possible (and expensive)
but highly unlikely that surgery would help for a long term fix.
He also told us that Roscoe was losing more feeling and motor control
in his front legs as well. His colon was overly full due to lack
of proper feeling or control of his bowels, which was not helping
the situation any either. That will make his insides become toxic,
if you've never had the unlucky issue come up for you or a pet.
Roscoe, at his usual healthy weight, was between 60-70 lbs. He was 47 lbs
2 weeks ago, and based on lifting him tonight, even lower now. He was
skeletal from muscle loss, still somewhat confused when he tried to move
and it didn't work right (though I don't think there was alot of my
dog left inside by that point), and his eyes had lost hope.
That's really what set me off. For the past decade, one of the biggest
problems we had with Roscoe was that he refused to give up...always had
to fight for his way. Put him on a run line when he was a puppy, he'd either
pull the 6x6x8 and the 200 lbs of concrete out of the ground or snap the
braided steel cable. We put in an invisible fence that would shock him through
the collar if he tried to leave the area. He dug up the line and chewed through
it while it zapped him (and that shit hurt btw). Put him in a fenced in lot,
he'd dig under it. Pour concrete around it and he just learned to pull on
the chain link until it warped enough for him to squeeze out.
My dog never gave up. For good or bad, he never stopped. But when
I looked into Roscoe's eyes while he was laying on the table at the
Vet's tonight, I didn't see that fight. I didn't see the constant planning
or the curiosity that drove him to get out so he could sniff the new batch
of flowers around the corner. I just saw sad, brown eyes.
The only thing that hurt worse as having to actually sign my name on the
line that said I consented to euthanasia...with him on the table next to
me watching. At first I said I couldn't be there when it happened, but
as we sat with Roscoe I realized something.
I had always said with pride that I rescued that dog from being abandoned
when he was a puppy, maybe 6 months old. Dad, when he was pissed at me,
would make hints that I was ignoring that Roscoe was still there (that was
bullshit, but also beside the point).
Now that we were having to put him to sleep, if I wouldn't be there, I
would be abandoning him. I wouldn't be there to comfort him in his
last moments, or stroke his big ass head while it rested in my hand. I
couldn't imagine allowing him to be without me during that time...and yes
it was probably selfish, but I didn't want to let him go without him knowing
that I loved him and was there for him in the final moments before his
suffering ended.
I'm not ashamed to admit I cried like a baby when it started to sink in
what we were going to do. I cried very hard when they started the injections.
But after it was done, any guilt I might've had left went away. I made his
suffering stop and I was holding him when he faded into sleep. I'm still very
sad and I'm crying again now while writing this, with Spirit whining beside me.
We now think that some of the recent storms probably knocked a tree limb down on
him, causing the spinal injury. Because he rarely showed or responded to pain,
no one knew there was an issue until it was very obvious. On top of the fact he
was 10, almost 11, years old and had heart worms, it was all just too much.
We started working on the grave tonight after Dad and I got back home. I got all
the brush cleared away (with a shovel and an anger that things dared to be in the
way of Roscoe's resting place) and dug out the perimeter. But shamefully, I had
to stop. It was still about 90 sometime after 8 while we were out there and the
humidity felt like it was 120%. I had to stop because I couldn't get my breath.
And this wasn't an out of shape issue, this was body not going to allow it issue.
I still have a headache from not being able to get my breath, even though I'm
breathing now. The Vet is keeping Roscoe's body for us until we get the grave
ready, so the plan is to finish the grave tomorrow and then bury him properly.
Once I think I'll be composed enough to do it (this will take a bit), I'm going
to go back and put down concrete in an outline of the area, maybe fill it in.
But in the concrete will be two small lengths of broken chain.