(Untitled)

[the_btfh]

The following is a very rough first draft of the origin story for a comic book character I have been working on for the last six months. I'm putting it up here for your critique. Comments are welcome, but if you get too negative I'll be forced to crack you across the gob.

Before reading: BE WARNED! This is material which deals with adult matter.

Comments

Correction

[beast454]

Pretty good start. Typo or whatever 2nd paragraph 4th sentence the "for his surgery" should be a "FROM his surgery" (not caps of course)

oh and I love the last paragraph "regurgitated chicken wings..." that's funny cause I done that myself (not from too much drugs, but too much Jose)

[spacedowtjedi]

It's an interesting start, but well, I think you need more depth. It's very he did this, that, and then this. I think if you delve a little more into his surroundings, his thoughts, and just more...substance then it would make this piece more compelling. It comes off a bit robotic.

I really like the bit about the misfire and puking. That was funny. I just feel you need a bit more umph!!

[the_btfh]

Thanks for the input. Like I said, it's a very rough draft. Still fleshing out he character more than anything. Will work on it.