(no subject)
1. How long have you been harming yourself?
Not sure exactly. First specific memory of intentional self-harm was around age 9 or 10.
2. Where do you harm yourself?
Arms, shoulders, chest, torso. I leave my ankles alone ever since I got a little out-of-control with hot wax and left a nasty scar.
3. What do you use?
Pocket knife, tissue blade, hot wax.
4. How willing are you to talk about self-harm with other sufferers?
Very willing, as long as it's about their self-harm, or about ways to either not do it, or do it less destructively. I have a great desire to talk and write about the darker aspects of it, but I'm not quite exactly able to do that.
5. How do you react after you've done it? What do you feel, think?
If I do it to a satisfactory extent, I feel drained and calm and wonderful. If I take it too far, I feel defeated and suicidal. If I half-assedly restrain myself and only make a few stupid cuts, I feel angry and frustrated and disgusted with myself.
6. Do people know about your SH'ing?
Pretty much everyone who knows me at all knows that I used to do it and still sometimes want to, no one including my therapist knows much in the way of the details of it, and no one except one online friend knows that I broke my abstinence last week after over six months.
6b. If so, has anyone ever said something to you about it? What did they say?
Let's just say that it's been a topic of discussion between me and people in my life at various times, and various things have been said. There was some serious friction about it between me and my husband a few years ago.
7. Do you feel SH is a good or a bad thing?
I don't think it's a "bad" thing as in, an immoral or disgusting thing, and I don't judge anyone for doing it, but in general I don't feel it's a very healthy way to deal with the various problems that provoke it. I am disappointed in myself to discover just how much I love it and crave it.
8. Do you harm more at any particular time during the day, or just whenever you get the urge?
Usually late at night when I can't sleep.
9. What triggers you to SH?
Frustration with the circumstances of my life, and with my own behaviour.
10. How often do you harm?
At the moment, as seldom as I possibly can. I started when I was a child and did it on and off throughout my teens, then stopped completely for several years during my 20s and 30s, then started again about five years ago. At times in my life it's been daily/weekly/monthly/you name it.
11. Do you think you have a problem?
Of course. It's a problem even when I'm not actively doing it, because the thought is always there.
12. Do you feel you need to stop?
Ideally, I would never do it again, but I'm not certain that STOPPING in an absolute sense is really possible.
13. Are you seeking help, or are you in therapy/counselling, etc.
I have bipolar disorder and can't take meds for it, so I am in therapy/counselling for that and my many other issues, but not specifically for self-harm. In fact, my therapist doesn't know that I broke my abstinence last week, and she isn't going to know, at least not for now. I have a great therapist who I like very much, but for some dark reason I don't want her to know about this.
13b. Do you have someone to talk to about your SH?
Sort of. Not exactly. That's complicated, and is part of why I joined this community.
14. Have you ever felt suicidal?
Frequently.
14b. (if yes) Have you ever acted on the feeling?
No.
15. Do you express yourself creatively, ie. writing, singing, playing an instrument, art?
I have a creative job, plus I write fiction and am learning to sing.
16. Do you have any cutting rituals? Shaving before cutting, naming the implement, etc.?
Cleaning the blade with rubbing alcohol, making cuts as straight and precise as I can, cleaning up after with soap and water and then rubbing alcohol (oh the gorgeous burning!). Making sure I stay up to date on my tetanus shots.
17. How old are you?
I am too fucking old for this.
18. Do you suffer with any other mental health issues such as depression, eating disorders?
Bipolar disorder, eating disorder, on-and-off substance abuse.