Comments | the_dead_muse: Challenge: Out of Bounds

clear_color in the_dead_muse

Challenge: Out of Bounds

Feb 19, 2008 21:56

The phone was ringing and Nick couldn’t wait for his Ma to answer. It had been long - too long! - since they’d last spoken. He plucked at his dog tags in anticipation.

He heard someone pick up, and then the familiar voice, “ Hello?”

“ Ma!” Nick exclaimed into the receiver.

“ Oh!” Nick could hear that she was close to tears, “ They told me ( Read more... )

Comments 16

This is what I get for reading lj before going to work. shuju_the_red February 20 2008, 04:36:03 UTC

I knew where this was going, not your fault, it was the pastor's a long time ago.

I cried the first time someone who couldn't tell a story told me this one. Why in heaven's name did I think I wouldn't when someone who can, did?

Bah. And that was me trying to tell you I thought it was good, just in case I wasn't clear. Again. :)

Re: This is what I get for reading lj before going to work. clear_color February 20 2008, 15:23:23 UTC

Yeah I was in the Army and my husband was in the Marines, it's an old story but I retold it with a totally different spin - usually it's told from the Mom's perspective, she's listening to her son, she doesn't know what her son's doing, she just sees his coffin come home, opens it and sees how messed up he is.

Thank you for your kind words.

Re: This is what I get for reading lj before going to work. shuju_the_red February 20 2008, 17:04:32 UTC

No wonder it felt real when you told it. The story we were told was the happy ending version, though. Mom thought hard, and finally said it was fine, and soldier says, "I'm glad you said that, Mom. And she finds out why when he comes home.

And the teeter-tottering, flip-flopping character of the mom to me IS her character--she reminds me of a certain mom I know. :)

LOVE! thefaeway February 20 2008, 04:39:11 UTC

All righty... I'm going to poke at two pieces in the dialogue first ( ... )

Re: LOVE! clear_color February 20 2008, 15:21:22 UTC

Thanks for the constructive criticism. It's based on a much shorter, vaguer story my husband told me, he's a Marine. I was in the US Army. I sort of wrote it the way I always felt calling home from the Army... our family WERE flat characters in many ways because it was just a voice in a receiver on the phone ( ... )

Addendum to my post thefaeway February 20 2008, 16:10:41 UTC

...

Of course everything I said is moot if it was your intention. ;)

I think I will take a second look at this and read it from the perspective you mentioned. It may yet not strike me but as a whole it's still a wonderful piece.

Re: LOVE! clear_color February 20 2008, 15:42:39 UTC

I did change the typos though :D Those were certainly just typos.

Thanks for the introspective look at my work, I appreciate it.

Thread 5

sad_lil_bug February 20 2008, 09:19:26 UTC

I love this. Great job! :D

Thanks clear_color February 20 2008, 15:22:22 UTC

Thanks for your kindness.

surria February 20 2008, 17:08:06 UTC

When I read this, at first I was like: Oh, well that's nice. I mean, at least she'll try to take in his friend. Maybe when he gets his friend there he can convince her to let him stay longer.

Then I was like: *hand over mouth* OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!

Go you! I think you're made of awesome.

I realize that this is a story that's been around for a while but I've never heard it. I just love the way you came at it. Lovely indeed.

wrtrgrl February 20 2008, 21:35:31 UTC

Same here. As I was reading, I had no clue that the ending would leave me staring at the computer screen in utter shock.

You wrote this fabulously. Bravo! ^__^