Incoherent Ramblings of a Overstressed, Traumitized Child
-3 classes: 2-3 books a week plus report. Plus misc.
-Soul sucking job, that isn't even worth the 3-6 hours I get a week
-Directing/Acting a one act
-social life
-hobbies
The past month has killed me, and today I'm standing on the edge of my stress-capacity. For weeks I've been spending every day trying to squeeze everything into the small amount of time I have. And every class I've shown up to [I've skipped quite a lot to make up for other classes] I had either just finished a half-assed forced and incoherent book report or was not even able to finish my homework for that week.
Add to that trying to spend time with friends, which only proves further detrimental to my work, plus the family matters [that I will discuss shortly] and I can't take anymore.
Last week we received a letter from the attorney who is dealing with my father's affairs. He was working pro bono over the summer with my father over his 4th and final divorce, but before the dust even settled on that my father passed away [almost a year ago now, he was 74]. Anyways, the same attorney worked with my brother and sister on selling my father's estate. The letter he sent me declared the sale of the house for just enough to cover the 4 loans he had against him. Plus, everything he owned, wasn't paid for. So his total ownings equaled less than $1,000.
My half-brother and half-sister [late forties or early fifties age-wise] have been taking care of everything, and some of what they've done has been disrespectful. At the funeral, they called my Lewis, my other half-brother, Don's stepson. My father adopted Lewis and in all intent and purposes was his father. Yes, my father did not treat him the way he should have, just short of abusive, but in the later years he gave Lewis the respect he deserved. [I'll end that note here, because that's not on task]
It is hard for me to keep contact with John or Terri [brother and sister], partially for the age gap, partially the distance gap [wisconsin or michigan] but also because they never loved my father the way I did. They both sided with their mother. Her name is Loretta, but for the longest time I only knew of her as 'hawklady'. I never even saw her until the funeral. The first words I heard her say were "After 14 years of marriage with that man, I cannot think of one good thing to say about him." She said this to my mother.
My father saw the world through his own eyes. He wanted things his way. He grumbled when you didn't go along with his suggestions. He was manipulative. He smoked 4 packs of camel unfiltered a day.
But he was perfect.
Every day with him was an adventure. He would get lost just so we could find ourselves somewhere beautiful. We went to every garage sale we saw, no matter what we were doing, just so we could see the treasures along the lawn. He once talked somene into selling him their $200 trumpet for 20 bucks. He was a man of words. One time, there was a reception going on [In WI, at Wolf River lodge], we stopped in. Ate a lunch on their account. We both hugged the bride and groom [neither of us knew them] and congratulated them, then got back in the car and left. He teased, but never offended. He would find a stranger and talk to them like they were long lost best friends. He was my inspiration, my source of strength, the best father a son could ask for, and my best friend.
I could tell him everything, and I did. And never did he judge me for it. I told him when Ash moved into the dorms with me, I told him when I found out she cheated on me, I told him everything that happened to me. Most of which my mother does not/will probably never know.
Every day without him has worn at me like steel grater on the bare flesh containing my heart. And what I wouldn't give to talk to him today...
Back to current events. Sunday, my grandfather went to the hospital because he was having problems and was afraid. My grandfather is a strong man. He does not apologize, he does not ask for/accept help. If something needs doing he does it himself. He is mid 80's, has had both knees replaced at least twice. He lives on a farm in Cle Elum, he takes care of at least 12 horses, and maintains huge fields while living alone. His wife passed 3 or 4 years ago, and ever since all he talks about is going to join her in heaven. [strong christians in my family, on both sides Palmer=Protestant, Wickman=Lutheran] The fear of losing him only helped to throw me off track for last week.
Two bits of good news: 1. I've started talking/spending time with Max again.
This.
Has.
Helped.
Immensaly.
Yes, it's thrown me off my sleep schedule [staying up until the sunrise is not good for my sanity], yes I've skipped a class or two because I didn't want to leave.
But, knowing I'm spending time with someone who understands, and still cares, and has also thrown off the culture-bound digital imaging goggles given to us in childhood and refuses to settle for the 'trivial', has given me much needed strength. I love the mentally-stimulating discussions we have. [Will explain relation between father and my need to change this world, its part of the essay I've writing about myself]
2. This weekend [in the morning and Sunday] I'm a Press Photographer for the National Film Festival for Talented Youth. This is an incredible boost to my self-esteem and an incredible boost in something I would love to do for a living. [thedonoftime.deviantart.com]
But, this could have been timed better. This morning [friday] I was in Issaquah, I had gone to see my high schools musical [which was very good, will talk about it later] but I had to come home for work and rehearsal.
I was not prepared for rehearsal, I tried teaching my actors something I only just learned about on Wednesday, not sure how it went. Even rescheduled to 4 so I could have time to myself and try and recuperate. My scripts have still not shown up yet, even though we requested them before the quarter began. And, today I found out we are performing on May 29th instead of in June as originally planned.
And tonight, I was going to head back to Issy. But decided I wanted to sleep in my own bed. YET, CONTRARY TO THE PEACE I WANTED. Baylie has invited her friends over for an IMPRONTU PARTY! Which means I need to get ready and leave tonight.
Me want be held...
-Soul sucking job, that isn't even worth the 3-6 hours I get a week
-Directing/Acting a one act
-social life
-hobbies
The past month has killed me, and today I'm standing on the edge of my stress-capacity. For weeks I've been spending every day trying to squeeze everything into the small amount of time I have. And every class I've shown up to [I've skipped quite a lot to make up for other classes] I had either just finished a half-assed forced and incoherent book report or was not even able to finish my homework for that week.
Add to that trying to spend time with friends, which only proves further detrimental to my work, plus the family matters [that I will discuss shortly] and I can't take anymore.
Last week we received a letter from the attorney who is dealing with my father's affairs. He was working pro bono over the summer with my father over his 4th and final divorce, but before the dust even settled on that my father passed away [almost a year ago now, he was 74]. Anyways, the same attorney worked with my brother and sister on selling my father's estate. The letter he sent me declared the sale of the house for just enough to cover the 4 loans he had against him. Plus, everything he owned, wasn't paid for. So his total ownings equaled less than $1,000.
My half-brother and half-sister [late forties or early fifties age-wise] have been taking care of everything, and some of what they've done has been disrespectful. At the funeral, they called my Lewis, my other half-brother, Don's stepson. My father adopted Lewis and in all intent and purposes was his father. Yes, my father did not treat him the way he should have, just short of abusive, but in the later years he gave Lewis the respect he deserved. [I'll end that note here, because that's not on task]
It is hard for me to keep contact with John or Terri [brother and sister], partially for the age gap, partially the distance gap [wisconsin or michigan] but also because they never loved my father the way I did. They both sided with their mother. Her name is Loretta, but for the longest time I only knew of her as 'hawklady'. I never even saw her until the funeral. The first words I heard her say were "After 14 years of marriage with that man, I cannot think of one good thing to say about him." She said this to my mother.
My father saw the world through his own eyes. He wanted things his way. He grumbled when you didn't go along with his suggestions. He was manipulative. He smoked 4 packs of camel unfiltered a day.
But he was perfect.
Every day with him was an adventure. He would get lost just so we could find ourselves somewhere beautiful. We went to every garage sale we saw, no matter what we were doing, just so we could see the treasures along the lawn. He once talked somene into selling him their $200 trumpet for 20 bucks. He was a man of words. One time, there was a reception going on [In WI, at Wolf River lodge], we stopped in. Ate a lunch on their account. We both hugged the bride and groom [neither of us knew them] and congratulated them, then got back in the car and left. He teased, but never offended. He would find a stranger and talk to them like they were long lost best friends. He was my inspiration, my source of strength, the best father a son could ask for, and my best friend.
I could tell him everything, and I did. And never did he judge me for it. I told him when Ash moved into the dorms with me, I told him when I found out she cheated on me, I told him everything that happened to me. Most of which my mother does not/will probably never know.
Every day without him has worn at me like steel grater on the bare flesh containing my heart. And what I wouldn't give to talk to him today...
Back to current events. Sunday, my grandfather went to the hospital because he was having problems and was afraid. My grandfather is a strong man. He does not apologize, he does not ask for/accept help. If something needs doing he does it himself. He is mid 80's, has had both knees replaced at least twice. He lives on a farm in Cle Elum, he takes care of at least 12 horses, and maintains huge fields while living alone. His wife passed 3 or 4 years ago, and ever since all he talks about is going to join her in heaven. [strong christians in my family, on both sides Palmer=Protestant, Wickman=Lutheran] The fear of losing him only helped to throw me off track for last week.
Two bits of good news: 1. I've started talking/spending time with Max again.
This.
Has.
Helped.
Immensaly.
Yes, it's thrown me off my sleep schedule [staying up until the sunrise is not good for my sanity], yes I've skipped a class or two because I didn't want to leave.
But, knowing I'm spending time with someone who understands, and still cares, and has also thrown off the culture-bound digital imaging goggles given to us in childhood and refuses to settle for the 'trivial', has given me much needed strength. I love the mentally-stimulating discussions we have. [Will explain relation between father and my need to change this world, its part of the essay I've writing about myself]
2. This weekend [in the morning and Sunday] I'm a Press Photographer for the National Film Festival for Talented Youth. This is an incredible boost to my self-esteem and an incredible boost in something I would love to do for a living. [thedonoftime.deviantart.com]
But, this could have been timed better. This morning [friday] I was in Issaquah, I had gone to see my high schools musical [which was very good, will talk about it later] but I had to come home for work and rehearsal.
I was not prepared for rehearsal, I tried teaching my actors something I only just learned about on Wednesday, not sure how it went. Even rescheduled to 4 so I could have time to myself and try and recuperate. My scripts have still not shown up yet, even though we requested them before the quarter began. And, today I found out we are performing on May 29th instead of in June as originally planned.
And tonight, I was going to head back to Issy. But decided I wanted to sleep in my own bed. YET, CONTRARY TO THE PEACE I WANTED. Baylie has invited her friends over for an IMPRONTU PARTY! Which means I need to get ready and leave tonight.
Me want be held...