Shakespeare and television
I think old Will missed a few tricks by just limiting his output to the theatre:
1) [enter a BEARDED TIT]
Tonight, we’re in Scotland, at Dunsinane Castle. The man of the house, Mr Macbeth, is having a little dinner-party. Now what he doesn’t know is that we’ve been in touch with his best mate, Mr Banquo, and we think it’d be great if he dressed up as a ghost, just to see how his chum takes it. Mr Banquo thought this was a great idea. Now the guests have all arrived, and things are just warming up. Now then .. let’s see if Mr Macbeth is ... Game For A Laugh!
[during the following, bottom-right of screen is MACBETH, in the studio, watching in mounting embarrassment and hilarity]
MACBETH: Were the graced person of our Banquo present...
[tittering in studio audience]
MACBETH: Which of you hath done this?
[one of the LORDS at table, who looks suspiciously like HENRY KELLY, is giggling]
MACBETH: Never shake thy gory locks at me!
[in studio, MACBETH hides head in hands]
LADY MACBETH: Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once!
[exeunt LORDS, except ROSS, who whips off a wig to reveal he is none other than the BEARDED TIT]
MACBETH: What the ... it’s you!
BEARDED TIT: Yes it is, Macbeth! Oh, your face...
[enter BANQUO, wiping off fake blood and grinning like an idiot]
MACBETH: Oh no - you mean you were ... and you let me ...
BEARDED TIT: Yup - it was priceless! You should be on telly. Well, you are...
LADY MACBETH: Out damned tit!
MACBETH: Oh, don’t mind her. She’s just miffed because I spoiled the dinner party. But I still can’t believe...
BEARDED TIT: Nor can we. But at least now we know you’re Game For A Laugh!
[in studion, MACBETH starts staring fixedly at Camera Three, and muttering about daggers. Hurried cut to commercial break]
2) [GEORDIE WHINE] It’s Day 54 in the Big Brother Castle, and Hamlet is in the Diary Room:
HAMLET: OH God - I just don’t think I can take it any more, you know. I mean - he killed my dad! At least, I think he did. And he’s shagging my mum. And it’s all so ... it’s just so unfair! I mean, why me? I should be King, but instead it’s all this. And I’m sure Ophelia is having it off with Rosencrantz. And her dad keeps just looking at me, and asking if I’m OK. It’s like everyone hates me or something. Life’s so crap. I’m going to listen to The Queen Is Dead again. Well, she is to me...
[exit HAMLET back into the house. POLONIUS is hiding behind the kitchen cabinet]
[enter OPHELIA]
OPHELIA: How does your honour for this many a day?
HAMLET: I humbly thank you - well, well, well.
OPHELIA: Oh Hamlet - you’re so emo! I’m going to the Jacuzzi. Have you seen Ros?
[exit HAMLET, snivelling]
GEORDIE WHINE: Day 57, and to liven things up, Big Brother has decided on a Task. We’ve sent in a bunch of actors to give them a show, and we want to see how the housemates deal with The Murder of Gonzago. Believe me, I’ve seen it - and it ain’t Shakespeare!
PLAYER: The natural magic and dire property, On wholesome life usurp immediately!
CLAUDIUS: I’ll be buggered if I’ll watch any more of this crap
[CLAUDIUS enters the Diary Room]
CLAUDIUS: Smug little bastard! He would get those actors to try and make me sit through Gonzago - it bored the arse off me at school, and it bores the arse off me now. And to be honest, if that’s his seduction technique, then I think Denmark’s in for a pretty thin line of succession. I’m not surprised Ophelia’s got together with Guildenstern .. or is it the other one? They’re all just a bunch of Wittenberg Woopsies anyway. If I had my way...
GEORDIE WHINE: Day 82, and it’s the last day in the Big Brother Castle. We’ve seen a few contestants go already - plucky Ophelia tried to swim out, and Polonius had that nasty accident - and now we’re down to the final six. So which of Hamlet, Laertes, Osric, Horatio, Gertrude or Claudius will be walking off with that 500,000 kroner prize? Remember, it’s your votes that count...
GERTRUDE: The drink, the drink - I am poisoned! [expiring gasp]
LAERTES: I can no more. The King, the King’s to blame! [final retch]
CLAUDIUS: [silent collapse]
HAMLET: the rest is silence [terminal gurgle]
[enter FORTINBRAS] Right - our votes cast say that...
HORATIO: Well, I’m not sharing it with that little twerp...
[he stabs OSRIC]
FORTINBRAS: Big Brother has decided that...
HORATIO: Oh shut up, you Norwegian turd!
[he stabs FORTINBRAS]
HORATIO: Ha ha! I showed you all! No more philosophy for me! I’ll be opening supermarkets every weekend! I’ll be presenting my own show on Radio Elsinore! I’ll be...
[fade to black]
3) Opening credits of the Jerry Springer Show
JERRY: Tonight, on the show, our topic is “My daughters all hate me, and I think I’m going mad”. Well, there’ll be plenty to talk about there. Can we have our first guest please?
[enter KING LEAR, to scattered applause. He sits down]
JERRY: Now then, Lear - tell us your story.
LEAR: Well, Jerry, I used to be King of Britain. It was a good gig, but I was getting fed up with it, and thought it was time to hand the reins over to a younger man. Trouble was, without a son, I didn’t have anyone, so I had this great idea. My daughters were always telling me what a great guy I was, so I thought ... why not divide up the kingdom between them based onj which one loved me the most?
AUDIENCE VOICE: Sicko!
LEAR: Not like that! Jeez, Jerry - where do you get them from?
[applause]
JERRY: Yes - you were telling us about your daughters?
LEAR: Well, to be honest, it all went a bit wrong. Two of them played along, but Cordelia - she’s the cute one - basically told me I was being stupid. So I got a bit angry, and told her to get the hell out of my kingdom. Probably not a great move, but I was annoyed.
[audience starts to boo]
LEAR: Hey, hey - she’d just said she loved me “according to her bond”. I mean, what kind of daughter says a thing like that? C'mon - what was I supposed to do?
[booing grows louder]
JERRY: Come on, everyone - let’s her the man out. So what happened next?
LEAR: Oh Jerry - everything’s just gone from bad to worse. Now the other two have turned on me - both at the same time. They’ve kicked out all my friends, and thrown me out on my ear in the cold. And one of them kicked my Fool!
[the FOOL crawls out from under a chair]
JERRY: Errr, right. Who are you?
FOOL: Prithee Nuncle, if an apple’s like to a codpiece, then thy wandering wits shall be yoked to an ass’s pate for a pound o’ peascod!
JERRY: Yeah. That’s real nice. SECURITY!
[exit FOOL, pursued by two ogres]
JERRY: Anyway, what’s happened to you now?
LEAR: Well, I’m living in a hovel since they kicked me out, with my only friend left, a mad guy I found out in the neighbourhood.
[audience start to make supportive noises]
LEAR: And they’re just so cruel to me! And they’ve taken away my friend Gloucester!
[audienmce rises to a crescendo]
JERYY: Well, Lear, we’ve got a little surprise for you. Your daughters aren’t still at home watching for you - we’ve got them right here. C’mon, bring them out!
[enter GONERIL and REGAN. Audience erupt into jeering and cursing]
GONERIL: You believe this old fraud?
[audience booing]
GONERIL: You do? Him and his gang of bonehead chums? You should see the state of my castle! They’ve wrecked it!
LEAR: But that’s only because you wouldn’t let them hunt!
REGAN: Oh, shut up! You wrecked my place too!
LEAR: You two used to love me
REGAN: Boy, were we ever stupid!
GONERIL: Hush up Regan - I’ll handle this. You never were any good at this sort of thing.
REGAN: But you never let me get a word in, you domineering cow!
GONERIL: What did you say?
[GONERIL makes to punch REGAN. An ogre grabs her arm]
GONERIL: You get off me, oaf!
[audience cheering]
GONERIL: [to REGAN] Here, have a banana...
REGAN: Thanks.
[she bites into the banana and immediately collapses]
LEAR: You see what I have to put up with?
GONERIL: You never really loved me, dad! It was always Cordelia this, and Cordelia that, and “look at Cordelia’s drawing of Daddy!”. You always hated me...
[GONERIL starts sobbing]
LEAR: Awww, honey, you know that isn’t...
[GONERIL lunges, and punches LEAR in the face. General havoc breaks out, with the audience cheering wildly]
[back wall of studio collapses, as the FRENCH ARMY, led by CORDELIA, marches in. CORDELIA takes one look at the scene, and buries her head in her hands.]
[Lights dim on melee and carnage, to JERRY]
JERRY: And here’s Jerry’s Final Thought. We’ve seen tonight how families can come apart. So if you have a kingdom to divide up, don’t just assume everyone will get along. These things take time, and sometimes all you need isn’t just love. So until next time, take care of yourselves and each other
[closing music. JERRY sits looking smug, until he is felled by the FOOL with a well-aimed bladder on stick]
Next week:
The caskets scene from the Merchant of Venice is revealed as an out-take from 3-2-1, and the Prince of Morocco ends up with Dusty Bin
Stephano and Trinculo enter It's A Knockout! in the "Gaberdine Challenge"
And don't miss Othello and Desdemona on All Star Mr & Mrs
1) [enter a BEARDED TIT]
Tonight, we’re in Scotland, at Dunsinane Castle. The man of the house, Mr Macbeth, is having a little dinner-party. Now what he doesn’t know is that we’ve been in touch with his best mate, Mr Banquo, and we think it’d be great if he dressed up as a ghost, just to see how his chum takes it. Mr Banquo thought this was a great idea. Now the guests have all arrived, and things are just warming up. Now then .. let’s see if Mr Macbeth is ... Game For A Laugh!
[during the following, bottom-right of screen is MACBETH, in the studio, watching in mounting embarrassment and hilarity]
MACBETH: Were the graced person of our Banquo present...
[tittering in studio audience]
MACBETH: Which of you hath done this?
[one of the LORDS at table, who looks suspiciously like HENRY KELLY, is giggling]
MACBETH: Never shake thy gory locks at me!
[in studio, MACBETH hides head in hands]
LADY MACBETH: Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once!
[exeunt LORDS, except ROSS, who whips off a wig to reveal he is none other than the BEARDED TIT]
MACBETH: What the ... it’s you!
BEARDED TIT: Yes it is, Macbeth! Oh, your face...
[enter BANQUO, wiping off fake blood and grinning like an idiot]
MACBETH: Oh no - you mean you were ... and you let me ...
BEARDED TIT: Yup - it was priceless! You should be on telly. Well, you are...
LADY MACBETH: Out damned tit!
MACBETH: Oh, don’t mind her. She’s just miffed because I spoiled the dinner party. But I still can’t believe...
BEARDED TIT: Nor can we. But at least now we know you’re Game For A Laugh!
[in studion, MACBETH starts staring fixedly at Camera Three, and muttering about daggers. Hurried cut to commercial break]
2) [GEORDIE WHINE] It’s Day 54 in the Big Brother Castle, and Hamlet is in the Diary Room:
HAMLET: OH God - I just don’t think I can take it any more, you know. I mean - he killed my dad! At least, I think he did. And he’s shagging my mum. And it’s all so ... it’s just so unfair! I mean, why me? I should be King, but instead it’s all this. And I’m sure Ophelia is having it off with Rosencrantz. And her dad keeps just looking at me, and asking if I’m OK. It’s like everyone hates me or something. Life’s so crap. I’m going to listen to The Queen Is Dead again. Well, she is to me...
[exit HAMLET back into the house. POLONIUS is hiding behind the kitchen cabinet]
[enter OPHELIA]
OPHELIA: How does your honour for this many a day?
HAMLET: I humbly thank you - well, well, well.
OPHELIA: Oh Hamlet - you’re so emo! I’m going to the Jacuzzi. Have you seen Ros?
[exit HAMLET, snivelling]
GEORDIE WHINE: Day 57, and to liven things up, Big Brother has decided on a Task. We’ve sent in a bunch of actors to give them a show, and we want to see how the housemates deal with The Murder of Gonzago. Believe me, I’ve seen it - and it ain’t Shakespeare!
PLAYER: The natural magic and dire property, On wholesome life usurp immediately!
CLAUDIUS: I’ll be buggered if I’ll watch any more of this crap
[CLAUDIUS enters the Diary Room]
CLAUDIUS: Smug little bastard! He would get those actors to try and make me sit through Gonzago - it bored the arse off me at school, and it bores the arse off me now. And to be honest, if that’s his seduction technique, then I think Denmark’s in for a pretty thin line of succession. I’m not surprised Ophelia’s got together with Guildenstern .. or is it the other one? They’re all just a bunch of Wittenberg Woopsies anyway. If I had my way...
GEORDIE WHINE: Day 82, and it’s the last day in the Big Brother Castle. We’ve seen a few contestants go already - plucky Ophelia tried to swim out, and Polonius had that nasty accident - and now we’re down to the final six. So which of Hamlet, Laertes, Osric, Horatio, Gertrude or Claudius will be walking off with that 500,000 kroner prize? Remember, it’s your votes that count...
GERTRUDE: The drink, the drink - I am poisoned! [expiring gasp]
LAERTES: I can no more. The King, the King’s to blame! [final retch]
CLAUDIUS: [silent collapse]
HAMLET: the rest is silence [terminal gurgle]
[enter FORTINBRAS] Right - our votes cast say that...
HORATIO: Well, I’m not sharing it with that little twerp...
[he stabs OSRIC]
FORTINBRAS: Big Brother has decided that...
HORATIO: Oh shut up, you Norwegian turd!
[he stabs FORTINBRAS]
HORATIO: Ha ha! I showed you all! No more philosophy for me! I’ll be opening supermarkets every weekend! I’ll be presenting my own show on Radio Elsinore! I’ll be...
[fade to black]
3) Opening credits of the Jerry Springer Show
JERRY: Tonight, on the show, our topic is “My daughters all hate me, and I think I’m going mad”. Well, there’ll be plenty to talk about there. Can we have our first guest please?
[enter KING LEAR, to scattered applause. He sits down]
JERRY: Now then, Lear - tell us your story.
LEAR: Well, Jerry, I used to be King of Britain. It was a good gig, but I was getting fed up with it, and thought it was time to hand the reins over to a younger man. Trouble was, without a son, I didn’t have anyone, so I had this great idea. My daughters were always telling me what a great guy I was, so I thought ... why not divide up the kingdom between them based onj which one loved me the most?
AUDIENCE VOICE: Sicko!
LEAR: Not like that! Jeez, Jerry - where do you get them from?
[applause]
JERRY: Yes - you were telling us about your daughters?
LEAR: Well, to be honest, it all went a bit wrong. Two of them played along, but Cordelia - she’s the cute one - basically told me I was being stupid. So I got a bit angry, and told her to get the hell out of my kingdom. Probably not a great move, but I was annoyed.
[audience starts to boo]
LEAR: Hey, hey - she’d just said she loved me “according to her bond”. I mean, what kind of daughter says a thing like that? C'mon - what was I supposed to do?
[booing grows louder]
JERRY: Come on, everyone - let’s her the man out. So what happened next?
LEAR: Oh Jerry - everything’s just gone from bad to worse. Now the other two have turned on me - both at the same time. They’ve kicked out all my friends, and thrown me out on my ear in the cold. And one of them kicked my Fool!
[the FOOL crawls out from under a chair]
JERRY: Errr, right. Who are you?
FOOL: Prithee Nuncle, if an apple’s like to a codpiece, then thy wandering wits shall be yoked to an ass’s pate for a pound o’ peascod!
JERRY: Yeah. That’s real nice. SECURITY!
[exit FOOL, pursued by two ogres]
JERRY: Anyway, what’s happened to you now?
LEAR: Well, I’m living in a hovel since they kicked me out, with my only friend left, a mad guy I found out in the neighbourhood.
[audience start to make supportive noises]
LEAR: And they’re just so cruel to me! And they’ve taken away my friend Gloucester!
[audienmce rises to a crescendo]
JERYY: Well, Lear, we’ve got a little surprise for you. Your daughters aren’t still at home watching for you - we’ve got them right here. C’mon, bring them out!
[enter GONERIL and REGAN. Audience erupt into jeering and cursing]
GONERIL: You believe this old fraud?
[audience booing]
GONERIL: You do? Him and his gang of bonehead chums? You should see the state of my castle! They’ve wrecked it!
LEAR: But that’s only because you wouldn’t let them hunt!
REGAN: Oh, shut up! You wrecked my place too!
LEAR: You two used to love me
REGAN: Boy, were we ever stupid!
GONERIL: Hush up Regan - I’ll handle this. You never were any good at this sort of thing.
REGAN: But you never let me get a word in, you domineering cow!
GONERIL: What did you say?
[GONERIL makes to punch REGAN. An ogre grabs her arm]
GONERIL: You get off me, oaf!
[audience cheering]
GONERIL: [to REGAN] Here, have a banana...
REGAN: Thanks.
[she bites into the banana and immediately collapses]
LEAR: You see what I have to put up with?
GONERIL: You never really loved me, dad! It was always Cordelia this, and Cordelia that, and “look at Cordelia’s drawing of Daddy!”. You always hated me...
[GONERIL starts sobbing]
LEAR: Awww, honey, you know that isn’t...
[GONERIL lunges, and punches LEAR in the face. General havoc breaks out, with the audience cheering wildly]
[back wall of studio collapses, as the FRENCH ARMY, led by CORDELIA, marches in. CORDELIA takes one look at the scene, and buries her head in her hands.]
[Lights dim on melee and carnage, to JERRY]
JERRY: And here’s Jerry’s Final Thought. We’ve seen tonight how families can come apart. So if you have a kingdom to divide up, don’t just assume everyone will get along. These things take time, and sometimes all you need isn’t just love. So until next time, take care of yourselves and each other
[closing music. JERRY sits looking smug, until he is felled by the FOOL with a well-aimed bladder on stick]
Next week:
The caskets scene from the Merchant of Venice is revealed as an out-take from 3-2-1, and the Prince of Morocco ends up with Dusty Bin
Stephano and Trinculo enter It's A Knockout! in the "Gaberdine Challenge"
And don't miss Othello and Desdemona on All Star Mr & Mrs