In the absence of an RP...

[diego_flombere]

The alley

A scanner buzzing overhead on pre-programmed circuits, its regimented path. Police sirens dopplering in the distance. For this kind of city, it was the sounds of night getting off to a good start.

She giggles, pulling him towards an alcove. Old tenement building, brick and mortar, soft rattling of her braids

Comments

Not Bad

[zemalac]

Not bad at all, in fact. Has some minor grammar problems, but you'll probably straighten those out later, right

Re: Not Bad

[diego_flombere]

Haha yeah, Collective Flamboyant Brotherhood does come off as a bit odd. They're more of an obscure quasi religious techno-based secret society than an organization or a business in the traditional sense. They work in cyber security as an honest front, in the same way a thief could work as a locksmith. And their ultimate goal is to ascend to a purely digital state of being (pay attention- this will be important later in the plot), so they are all a bit mad. I thought CFB kinda represented their eccentricity.
Characterization is poor I agree, something I know I'm gonna have to work on but I plan on doing that once I finish the first draft and have good frame to paste extra bits on around.

I'll take those other points on board, see if I can't better communicate the PI's motivation and the such.

Thanks for the feedback.