I can't quite make sense of the final two lines of the first one, but I like the rest of it. Being Christian, it reminds me of Jesus, personally, but I definitely get a sense of either a religious figure or a very great, sagely person.
The second one was interesting in that the perfect moment was not what most would define as "perfect," but rather as an intensely profound, shocking, and painful moment. It spoke to me a lot more than it would have if the perfect moment was flowery. Most of it was very vivid, but there were three parts that pulled me out of the experience a little bit, namely the two lines about "playing your part" and "as though you would have died." they were a bit too vague for me and distracted me from the moment.
[I can sometimes be a little nit-picky when it comes to criticizing poetry, but I really do like these two. You said you weren't fishing for compliments, but if something comes across a bit harshly, please know that it wasn't intentionally so and that I do mean well. ^^;]
Too harsh? Darling, this is perfect! *glomp* It's been terrible living without concrit! I'll definitely keep your comments in mind. I was actually very dissatisfied with the way these two came out, so I'm glad to get criticism from you. ^^
I'm glad! I was saddened when I saw that you had nearly no comments on any of your poems, and I think that perhaps the most painful and crushing thing that can happen to a poet is to have the poetry ignored or glazed over. Having written a very small amount of poetry myself, this is how I feel, at least. In fact, I'd be a little scared to create a poetry journal like this just in case I didn't get comments. @_@
Comments 9
The second one was interesting in that the perfect moment was not what most would define as "perfect," but rather as an intensely profound, shocking, and painful moment. It spoke to me a lot more than it would have if the perfect moment was flowery. Most of it was very vivid, but there were three parts that pulled me out of the experience a little bit, namely the two lines about "playing your part" and "as though you would have died." they were a bit too vague for me and distracted me from the moment.
[I can sometimes be a little nit-picky when it comes to criticizing poetry, but I really do like these two. You said you weren't fishing for compliments, but if something comes across a bit harshly, please know that it wasn't intentionally so and that I do mean well. ^^;]
[Oh-- it's "Magical Trevor,"
Reply
Reply
I hope to read more of your poetry in the future!
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment