OMG It's been Freakin' Forever Since My Last Post
Okay, so I left with:
Well as everyone at Spring Hill knows (or should by now), I'm dating someone. Last I posted it was Feb. 22nd. I'm a bad, bad binky. Sorry, but I'm back now. Hopefully for good (on LJ). Anyways back to the boyfriend. If some of you will recall *cough* animecat , jazz2600 , danaki I had a friend fly in to visit over Christmas. Actually it was my best friend (besides anirishspitfire whom I love and adore); I've known him since the first day Freshman year at SHC--James. We hung out a lot that first semester, but he had a crazy girlfriend who wouldn't let him talk to other girls let alone step into his room. So after a while, we didn't hang out as much, I didn't want to get him in trouble (even though its a stupid rule). We still talked some Sophmore year. It was really last spring when we got to be great friends. James and I were both going through tough times and needed someone to lean on. We always would play a game called "Inner Monologue;" meaning you had to say whatever you were thinking. Unfortunatly for me he always caught me when I was thinking about food or something really crazy/brain-dead. Never when I had some insightful or even halfway intelligent. It's always like, "That tree is leaning to the right, and with the moon behind it and the cast shadow it looks kind of like a cat riding a motorcycle." Yeah, definitly not going to when awards with inner monologues like that. Anyways, we really connected and I felt like I could trust him with my most sensitive side.
When you talk to someone about really personal things, and you cry/sob you generally form a better friendship because you know that that person is there for you. And no matter the circumstance James always dropped whatever he was doing to see me if I wanted. Although he was much more suave about it and made it seem like either he had nothing else to do or that it was somehow his suggestion. He's a sweetie. We kept in touch over the summer. Mostly he called me because I'm a bad friend and I never call anyone. This poor guy went through so much and suffered in silence because of me. I've only been interested in three guys on campus; and when I say interested I mean I'd give them a second look but I'm too chicken shit to make my intentions/thoughts known. Two of those guys were James' friends: one from high school and one from college. The ballet guy (High School) had me fooled though. I thought he was all thoughtful and artistic and sensative, but no he really is just a jock and not much of a scholar. The other guy (college) is James' best friend who flirts with all females. I was just one of the many girls fooled into thinking it was anything more than casual. Unfortuantly I thought this guy was perfect for me cause we were equally nerdy and into community service. I caught the hint and left him alone, but it still hurt a little because I convinced myself we could be good. As time went on and the plot thickens I came to see some of his flaws and it made it that much easier that nothing happened.
Anyways back to the story at hand. At the end of the spring 2004 I had two guys vying for my attention, one was James. My mother came down to help me move out and she thought it was the funniest thing to watch. In the end James confessed his "like" for me before I left. I did the classic girl thing and told him I want to stay friends. And I really did; he was my first guy friend that I made all by myself. Since I moved to AR and went through a major akward phase I never really talked to boys. The only boys I met were friends of some female I knew. James was the first guy that I just struck up a conversation with without someone first introducing me. I was proud of that moment, it took a lot of courage. (I don't remember this very well cause I'm a goldfish, but) Apparently we hit it off so well James invited me to ride with him somewhere in his car. And totally out of character I got into some strange guy's car and he drove me off campus. I guess I just felt instantly safe with him, that's the only thing that could explain such a rash action on my part. (Sorry guys, I'm kind of jumping back and forth through time. Its a bit confusing for me too. I can't think of how best to summerize the entire situation; it has been 3 years of knowing each other.) Another jump though time and space: Fall 2004. We hung out and he would take me out to eat once a month and sometimes I would cook for him. The deal was he'd pay if I cook (and I got to pick out whatever I wanted). He got me flowers sometimes, but I tried to discourage this because it was date-like. Unfortuantly I never realized I was pseudo-dating James already. We went through all the motions of a couple minus the physical stuff. I convinced myself that it was nothing more than a close friendship. Everything he and I did I have already done with Kate. Kate and I go out to eat, Kate and I buy flowers for each other, Kate and I would hang out for hours on end every day. How was this not similar?
James almost didn't come see me on Christmas break. I think he'd given up on us dating, but I wouldn't let him not visit. I was excited about showing him around and taking him to meet all the people he hears about in my stories. Seeing him in the airport made me so excited. Hindsight is 20/20, but I really should have clued into some key things. I was oblivious because I wanted to be oblivious. We saw each other almost everday in January. We would make up excuses to see each other and go to Denny's for their unlimited Hot Chocolate I'm addicted to. In February we have Mardi Gras Ball. For weeks I'd planned on going, but then just a couple days before I decided against it. I don't know why, but for some reason I thought it would be a really bad idea and no amount of coaxing from Kate could get me to change my mind. I ended up going to see James cause he didn't go either. We had pizza and decided to finish off the little bit of rum he had left. I'm a lightweight even more than before. In no time I was intoxicated. I never drive or walk drunk, so I went to go sleep in the spare room. The walls were so bare and it was so empty it made me uncomfortable, plus I'm scared of the dark. So I made James stay with me till I fell asleep. Usually I make him tell me stories. I give him three things he has to incorporate and not all in the beginning. Eventually he began to stroke my hair and I complained of a sore back so he rubbed it. Somehow in my drunken state I decided to make a "move" on James. (poor guy) I drunkenly leaned towards him for a kiss. He backed off and literally fell off the bed. He knew that if he kissed me while I was out of it I'd think he was taking advantage of me. So instead James didn't, and he kicked himself all night for throwing away his only chnce to kiss me. Something he'd been wanting to do for over a year. Did I mention that James has more patience than anyone I know? The next day I told him about my "weird dream;" turned out it was real.
All that day I thought about why I would do something like that, people don't do stuff drunk they wouldn't do normally. At least nothing so completly out of character. I watched him all day and considered my feelings. Doing something so simple as pumping the gas was enthralling for me. I realised I had been staring at him the entire time, leaned forward watching his every move. Then when he went inside to pay, I knew which gum he bent down to choose. I had a sudden epifany that I know a lot about him, that I enjoy his company, that maybe there was something there I hadn't noticed. We went to the park that night. After much quiet I finally said, "I'm upset because I love you." Yes, yes that is how I declared my love. And it was 100% truth, my pride stung. Everyone for months either assumed we were dating or thought we should. I kept yelling at them for such stereotypes; that men and women can't just be friends without there being something more. Well, guess I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Color me wrong. But ever since then things have been great. My life has just fallen into place and I'm so content its not funny. James makes me so happy and brings me such peace of mind. I'm glad I decided to open my eyes and see the wonderful man who had been quietly and stealthfully courting me.
I'll post later about the other great stuff that's been happening to me. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Well as everyone at Spring Hill knows (or should by now), I'm dating someone. Last I posted it was Feb. 22nd. I'm a bad, bad binky. Sorry, but I'm back now. Hopefully for good (on LJ). Anyways back to the boyfriend. If some of you will recall *cough* animecat , jazz2600 , danaki I had a friend fly in to visit over Christmas. Actually it was my best friend (besides anirishspitfire whom I love and adore); I've known him since the first day Freshman year at SHC--James. We hung out a lot that first semester, but he had a crazy girlfriend who wouldn't let him talk to other girls let alone step into his room. So after a while, we didn't hang out as much, I didn't want to get him in trouble (even though its a stupid rule). We still talked some Sophmore year. It was really last spring when we got to be great friends. James and I were both going through tough times and needed someone to lean on. We always would play a game called "Inner Monologue;" meaning you had to say whatever you were thinking. Unfortunatly for me he always caught me when I was thinking about food or something really crazy/brain-dead. Never when I had some insightful or even halfway intelligent. It's always like, "That tree is leaning to the right, and with the moon behind it and the cast shadow it looks kind of like a cat riding a motorcycle." Yeah, definitly not going to when awards with inner monologues like that. Anyways, we really connected and I felt like I could trust him with my most sensitive side.
When you talk to someone about really personal things, and you cry/sob you generally form a better friendship because you know that that person is there for you. And no matter the circumstance James always dropped whatever he was doing to see me if I wanted. Although he was much more suave about it and made it seem like either he had nothing else to do or that it was somehow his suggestion. He's a sweetie. We kept in touch over the summer. Mostly he called me because I'm a bad friend and I never call anyone. This poor guy went through so much and suffered in silence because of me. I've only been interested in three guys on campus; and when I say interested I mean I'd give them a second look but I'm too chicken shit to make my intentions/thoughts known. Two of those guys were James' friends: one from high school and one from college. The ballet guy (High School) had me fooled though. I thought he was all thoughtful and artistic and sensative, but no he really is just a jock and not much of a scholar. The other guy (college) is James' best friend who flirts with all females. I was just one of the many girls fooled into thinking it was anything more than casual. Unfortuantly I thought this guy was perfect for me cause we were equally nerdy and into community service. I caught the hint and left him alone, but it still hurt a little because I convinced myself we could be good. As time went on and the plot thickens I came to see some of his flaws and it made it that much easier that nothing happened.
Anyways back to the story at hand. At the end of the spring 2004 I had two guys vying for my attention, one was James. My mother came down to help me move out and she thought it was the funniest thing to watch. In the end James confessed his "like" for me before I left. I did the classic girl thing and told him I want to stay friends. And I really did; he was my first guy friend that I made all by myself. Since I moved to AR and went through a major akward phase I never really talked to boys. The only boys I met were friends of some female I knew. James was the first guy that I just struck up a conversation with without someone first introducing me. I was proud of that moment, it took a lot of courage. (I don't remember this very well cause I'm a goldfish, but) Apparently we hit it off so well James invited me to ride with him somewhere in his car. And totally out of character I got into some strange guy's car and he drove me off campus. I guess I just felt instantly safe with him, that's the only thing that could explain such a rash action on my part. (Sorry guys, I'm kind of jumping back and forth through time. Its a bit confusing for me too. I can't think of how best to summerize the entire situation; it has been 3 years of knowing each other.) Another jump though time and space: Fall 2004. We hung out and he would take me out to eat once a month and sometimes I would cook for him. The deal was he'd pay if I cook (and I got to pick out whatever I wanted). He got me flowers sometimes, but I tried to discourage this because it was date-like. Unfortuantly I never realized I was pseudo-dating James already. We went through all the motions of a couple minus the physical stuff. I convinced myself that it was nothing more than a close friendship. Everything he and I did I have already done with Kate. Kate and I go out to eat, Kate and I buy flowers for each other, Kate and I would hang out for hours on end every day. How was this not similar?
James almost didn't come see me on Christmas break. I think he'd given up on us dating, but I wouldn't let him not visit. I was excited about showing him around and taking him to meet all the people he hears about in my stories. Seeing him in the airport made me so excited. Hindsight is 20/20, but I really should have clued into some key things. I was oblivious because I wanted to be oblivious. We saw each other almost everday in January. We would make up excuses to see each other and go to Denny's for their unlimited Hot Chocolate I'm addicted to. In February we have Mardi Gras Ball. For weeks I'd planned on going, but then just a couple days before I decided against it. I don't know why, but for some reason I thought it would be a really bad idea and no amount of coaxing from Kate could get me to change my mind. I ended up going to see James cause he didn't go either. We had pizza and decided to finish off the little bit of rum he had left. I'm a lightweight even more than before. In no time I was intoxicated. I never drive or walk drunk, so I went to go sleep in the spare room. The walls were so bare and it was so empty it made me uncomfortable, plus I'm scared of the dark. So I made James stay with me till I fell asleep. Usually I make him tell me stories. I give him three things he has to incorporate and not all in the beginning. Eventually he began to stroke my hair and I complained of a sore back so he rubbed it. Somehow in my drunken state I decided to make a "move" on James. (poor guy) I drunkenly leaned towards him for a kiss. He backed off and literally fell off the bed. He knew that if he kissed me while I was out of it I'd think he was taking advantage of me. So instead James didn't, and he kicked himself all night for throwing away his only chnce to kiss me. Something he'd been wanting to do for over a year. Did I mention that James has more patience than anyone I know? The next day I told him about my "weird dream;" turned out it was real.
All that day I thought about why I would do something like that, people don't do stuff drunk they wouldn't do normally. At least nothing so completly out of character. I watched him all day and considered my feelings. Doing something so simple as pumping the gas was enthralling for me. I realised I had been staring at him the entire time, leaned forward watching his every move. Then when he went inside to pay, I knew which gum he bent down to choose. I had a sudden epifany that I know a lot about him, that I enjoy his company, that maybe there was something there I hadn't noticed. We went to the park that night. After much quiet I finally said, "I'm upset because I love you." Yes, yes that is how I declared my love. And it was 100% truth, my pride stung. Everyone for months either assumed we were dating or thought we should. I kept yelling at them for such stereotypes; that men and women can't just be friends without there being something more. Well, guess I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Color me wrong. But ever since then things have been great. My life has just fallen into place and I'm so content its not funny. James makes me so happy and brings me such peace of mind. I'm glad I decided to open my eyes and see the wonderful man who had been quietly and stealthfully courting me.
I'll post later about the other great stuff that's been happening to me. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!