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[In true Dr. Horrible style, the camera comes on, a bit of a fuzzy picture because it's the camera built into his laptop.. but after a moment of it moving around to be settled in the right place, a half-suited Remus comes around to sit indian-style on the floor in front of it. The floor is hard wood, the walls behind him are empty, and the room is obviously small, with no distinguishing features. Remus, as mentioned, is in a suit, though the shirt is untucked and the tie is loose, and his hair is a little more messy than usual. His cheeks also have a slightly darker color. He's had something to drink. The light in the room indicates that it's probably early morning. After clearing his throat and lifting blue eyes up to the camera, he speaks.]
I always thought that I'd be a good father.
[There's a ten second pause here, where he simply stares at the camera, then he looks down into his lap, curling his hands tightly there.]
I never wanted to have children because of what I am. But I always thought I could give my son the emotional support and the love that he needed.
[There is another long pause, but this time it's only seven seconds, instead of ten, and he looks up at the camera again.]
I always thought I could make my child happy.
[Another ten second pause, during which he looks down at his hands again and wets his lips. After taking a break, he speaks up once again, but doesn't return his eyes to the camera.]
But I haven't made him happy. I think I've disappointed him. I think he doesn't feel loved. I think.. that I've broken our relationship, and I'm not sure any amount of glue is ever going to make it back to the way it was.
[He lets out a slow breath then pushes a hand back through messy hair and shakes it around some, before once again looking up at the camera.]
I love him. I love both of them. I never expected this. To have a family. I never.. [He pauses here and closes his eyes, but doesn't turn his face away from the camera.] I never expected to have to make a choice like the one I'm making now. This video is so that I can look back and remember why I made this choice, so that I can understand my own reasoning if I ever need to justify it to myself.. which I will.
[He takes another breath and opens his eyes again, focusing on the camera.]
I said some horrible things to Harry, things that I meant at the time, but seem disgustingly wrong now. Things that.. [Once again, he pauses, as if to collect himself, then lets out another slow breath, through his nose.] He's said some really awful things to me, he and Severus both. But I never thought very much of it. I know that children often say mean things to their parents, because they know that come morning, even if their parents are mad at them, they're still going to love them, unconditionally. [It was here that blue eyes began to become a little wet, and he directed them to stare at the keyboard instead of the camera. He hated being emotional, but having alcohol in his system made it a lot harder to control.] Children know that they could say anything to their parents, and that in the end, it won't change how much they love them. It won't change that those parents would do anything to help their children. Anything to make them happy, even if... they say that..
[After a sniff, he lifts a hand to smear over his eyes and stop the tears before they turned into anything more than water in his eyes.]
A parent could forgive his child for anything. Anything. A good parent can let their son say anything, do anything, and not take it personally. And not.. say mean things in return. I think I was a good parent once, when Harry confronted me about my parents. I didn't say anything I regretted, I didn't hurt him the way he hurt me.. at least I think I didn't. And when he was doing being angry and he needed me to comfort him, I was there. And I didn't blame him. And I didn't hate him. And I held him. [Remus looks down again as the wetness returns to his eyes.] And last night I turned into one of those fathers who children wish would just die.. because life would be easier that way. Last night I turned into Sirius' father. Last night he said that to me and I got so upset. And I got so scared. And I was so weak.
[Remus closes his eyes tightly, and lifts up a hand to wipe his eyes with the sleeve of his suit, but doesn't open his eyes again.]
And I became everything I hate. And I wasn't there for him, when he needed me. [The sadness on his face slowly fades away and a blank sort of expression takes over, as he opens his eyes and stares blankly down at the keyboard again.] I always thought I'd be a good father. But what sort of father puts his happiness ahead of his sons? When Harry told me I was being stupid for bringing Jalil into my house, I should have agreed, and I should have said I'd fix the situation. I want to be happy, but not at the cost of Harry's happiness.
[He sniffs once and looks up, around the room he's sitting in, then he looks back at the camera and holds up a key.]
This is the apartment I rented for Jalil. I'm going to give it to him today. [He looks down at the key.] I've never connected so quickly and so easily with anyone before. He reads. He likes science and history. He likes to wash dishes, to clean, to just sit in comfortable silence.. [He flips the key over in his hands a few times, inspecting it.] He wants to be my friend, he wants to trust me, and he doesn't want anything in return. He doesn't need me for emotional support, he doesn't need me to take care of him, even though my instincts tell me that I want to. I'm not a rock.. I'm a cripple. And when you lean too hard on a cripple, you both fall over.
[He lets out a breath and pushes the key back into his pocket, eyes directed down again.]
That's what happened last night. Harry needed me and I couldn't handle the weight.
[He lets another long pause pass, long enough, perhaps, that one would think he'd fallen asleep, then he looks up at the camera again.]
But I'm never going to let that happen again. My best friend spends more time with her boyfriend than me, and that's alright. It's to be expected. But my boyfriend lives in the same house with me and we've seen one another three times, including last night, in the last two months. He's supposed to love me... I'm supposed to love him. But if he hasn't made the effort to talk to me.. [He lets out a breath.] I suppose that street goes both ways, doesn't it? I hope we can all still be friends.
[He remains quiet another ten seconds, then continues on again.]
Parents stay together sometimes, because they don't want to upset their children and their friends. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. I haven't been happy with Sirius since I arrived in this town. He's always too busy for me, he's never around, he's.. he used to take care of me as much as I took care of him. But lately, I've been too busy taking care of him for him to even notice that something's wrong with me. And what sort of relationship is that? No one's going to help fix this. No one's going to step up and make me happy. I've got to do it for myself, or I'm going to continue living my life like I have been for the last four months.. unhappy. Harry is the only thing that's kept me going. Harry's what keeps me strong. He's what keeps me happy enough to ignore the misery everywhere else. Thinking of Harry and Teddy, and being able to see them, being able to help, is what makes it all worth it.
[He looks down again, staring at the keyboard as he straightens up his jacket a little, then lifts both hands to undo the knot in the tie and slowly slide it from around his neck.]
I did something selfish, for the first time in my life. I did something selfish. Something to make me happy. Something for me. And look what happened. [This quiet statement causes the wetness to return to his eyes.] This is the first time in fifty years that I've done something for me, and I've never been more disgusted with myself, I've never been more miserable in my life. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be happy. Maybe that's the way life goes.
[He sniffs once and wipes his eyes on his suit coat again, then pulls out a tissue and uses that to wipe his nose, before he crumples it up.]
I've always believed in Karma, Dogma, whatever you choose to call it. I've always thought that I'd get what was coming to me. That maybe, one day, I'd actually get to be happy, and I'd stay happy. I've never been selfish before, I've never wanted to be, I've always wanted other people to be happy. Maybe this is my punishment for changing that, for being such a brat. Maybe this is my punishment for trying to change things.
[Finally, he laughs some and wipes at his eyes again.]
I think I had too much to drink.
[He sniffs again and shakes his head some, though he's still smiling.]
Severus told me to stop being a martyr, that everyone will still like me even if they can't walk all over me.
[He pauses then, for a good ten seconds, before he lifts his hand towards the laptop.]
He was wrong.
[The screen goes black.]
I always thought that I'd be a good father.
[There's a ten second pause here, where he simply stares at the camera, then he looks down into his lap, curling his hands tightly there.]
I never wanted to have children because of what I am. But I always thought I could give my son the emotional support and the love that he needed.
[There is another long pause, but this time it's only seven seconds, instead of ten, and he looks up at the camera again.]
I always thought I could make my child happy.
[Another ten second pause, during which he looks down at his hands again and wets his lips. After taking a break, he speaks up once again, but doesn't return his eyes to the camera.]
But I haven't made him happy. I think I've disappointed him. I think he doesn't feel loved. I think.. that I've broken our relationship, and I'm not sure any amount of glue is ever going to make it back to the way it was.
[He lets out a slow breath then pushes a hand back through messy hair and shakes it around some, before once again looking up at the camera.]
I love him. I love both of them. I never expected this. To have a family. I never.. [He pauses here and closes his eyes, but doesn't turn his face away from the camera.] I never expected to have to make a choice like the one I'm making now. This video is so that I can look back and remember why I made this choice, so that I can understand my own reasoning if I ever need to justify it to myself.. which I will.
[He takes another breath and opens his eyes again, focusing on the camera.]
I said some horrible things to Harry, things that I meant at the time, but seem disgustingly wrong now. Things that.. [Once again, he pauses, as if to collect himself, then lets out another slow breath, through his nose.] He's said some really awful things to me, he and Severus both. But I never thought very much of it. I know that children often say mean things to their parents, because they know that come morning, even if their parents are mad at them, they're still going to love them, unconditionally. [It was here that blue eyes began to become a little wet, and he directed them to stare at the keyboard instead of the camera. He hated being emotional, but having alcohol in his system made it a lot harder to control.] Children know that they could say anything to their parents, and that in the end, it won't change how much they love them. It won't change that those parents would do anything to help their children. Anything to make them happy, even if... they say that..
[After a sniff, he lifts a hand to smear over his eyes and stop the tears before they turned into anything more than water in his eyes.]
A parent could forgive his child for anything. Anything. A good parent can let their son say anything, do anything, and not take it personally. And not.. say mean things in return. I think I was a good parent once, when Harry confronted me about my parents. I didn't say anything I regretted, I didn't hurt him the way he hurt me.. at least I think I didn't. And when he was doing being angry and he needed me to comfort him, I was there. And I didn't blame him. And I didn't hate him. And I held him. [Remus looks down again as the wetness returns to his eyes.] And last night I turned into one of those fathers who children wish would just die.. because life would be easier that way. Last night I turned into Sirius' father. Last night he said that to me and I got so upset. And I got so scared. And I was so weak.
[Remus closes his eyes tightly, and lifts up a hand to wipe his eyes with the sleeve of his suit, but doesn't open his eyes again.]
And I became everything I hate. And I wasn't there for him, when he needed me. [The sadness on his face slowly fades away and a blank sort of expression takes over, as he opens his eyes and stares blankly down at the keyboard again.] I always thought I'd be a good father. But what sort of father puts his happiness ahead of his sons? When Harry told me I was being stupid for bringing Jalil into my house, I should have agreed, and I should have said I'd fix the situation. I want to be happy, but not at the cost of Harry's happiness.
[He sniffs once and looks up, around the room he's sitting in, then he looks back at the camera and holds up a key.]
This is the apartment I rented for Jalil. I'm going to give it to him today. [He looks down at the key.] I've never connected so quickly and so easily with anyone before. He reads. He likes science and history. He likes to wash dishes, to clean, to just sit in comfortable silence.. [He flips the key over in his hands a few times, inspecting it.] He wants to be my friend, he wants to trust me, and he doesn't want anything in return. He doesn't need me for emotional support, he doesn't need me to take care of him, even though my instincts tell me that I want to. I'm not a rock.. I'm a cripple. And when you lean too hard on a cripple, you both fall over.
[He lets out a breath and pushes the key back into his pocket, eyes directed down again.]
That's what happened last night. Harry needed me and I couldn't handle the weight.
[He lets another long pause pass, long enough, perhaps, that one would think he'd fallen asleep, then he looks up at the camera again.]
But I'm never going to let that happen again. My best friend spends more time with her boyfriend than me, and that's alright. It's to be expected. But my boyfriend lives in the same house with me and we've seen one another three times, including last night, in the last two months. He's supposed to love me... I'm supposed to love him. But if he hasn't made the effort to talk to me.. [He lets out a breath.] I suppose that street goes both ways, doesn't it? I hope we can all still be friends.
[He remains quiet another ten seconds, then continues on again.]
Parents stay together sometimes, because they don't want to upset their children and their friends. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. I haven't been happy with Sirius since I arrived in this town. He's always too busy for me, he's never around, he's.. he used to take care of me as much as I took care of him. But lately, I've been too busy taking care of him for him to even notice that something's wrong with me. And what sort of relationship is that? No one's going to help fix this. No one's going to step up and make me happy. I've got to do it for myself, or I'm going to continue living my life like I have been for the last four months.. unhappy. Harry is the only thing that's kept me going. Harry's what keeps me strong. He's what keeps me happy enough to ignore the misery everywhere else. Thinking of Harry and Teddy, and being able to see them, being able to help, is what makes it all worth it.
[He looks down again, staring at the keyboard as he straightens up his jacket a little, then lifts both hands to undo the knot in the tie and slowly slide it from around his neck.]
I did something selfish, for the first time in my life. I did something selfish. Something to make me happy. Something for me. And look what happened. [This quiet statement causes the wetness to return to his eyes.] This is the first time in fifty years that I've done something for me, and I've never been more disgusted with myself, I've never been more miserable in my life. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be happy. Maybe that's the way life goes.
[He sniffs once and wipes his eyes on his suit coat again, then pulls out a tissue and uses that to wipe his nose, before he crumples it up.]
I've always believed in Karma, Dogma, whatever you choose to call it. I've always thought that I'd get what was coming to me. That maybe, one day, I'd actually get to be happy, and I'd stay happy. I've never been selfish before, I've never wanted to be, I've always wanted other people to be happy. Maybe this is my punishment for changing that, for being such a brat. Maybe this is my punishment for trying to change things.
[Finally, he laughs some and wipes at his eyes again.]
I think I had too much to drink.
[He sniffs again and shakes his head some, though he's still smiling.]
Severus told me to stop being a martyr, that everyone will still like me even if they can't walk all over me.
[He pauses then, for a good ten seconds, before he lifts his hand towards the laptop.]
He was wrong.
[The screen goes black.]