(no subject)
I have a lot of things to say.. and I'm not quite sure how to say them all. Two nights ago I went to sleep next to the love of my life, my soul mate. My Padfoot. But I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk.. and I ended up across the ocean, in Canada. In 2008. Lily was here and Sirius.. even Severus. But James and Peter are no where to be found. Sirius and Lily are older, and are both dead as well. It's a surprising thing to hear, it's not logical it's not.. right. But it's true, somehow, and it's really doing a number on my brain. We're dead, and yet we're here. Somehow. In the land of the living. Lily, in my absence, has had a baby with James.. his name is Harry. I met him and he seems like a very nice young man. Young. He's older than I am, but I almost feel.. as if I know him. I feel like we've met. And it's not just because he looks like James.. It's almost as if I can remember him from a dream. I remember.. dementors, and swing music. Boggarts and a very bad full moon. But it's like a dream to me, like I'm watching from the outside, and when I reach out to touch it I wake up and it slips through my fingers. I remember all of these things but I don't know what they mean, and I can remember little more than the words themselves. I don't know how I know them, or why I think of them, but I do. And it worries me.
Perhaps I'm going crazy. Sirius tells me that everything is going to be alright, but I know that he himself doesn't believe that. And I can see it in Lily's eyes that she doesn't believe it, either. They both know that it's not okay, but we're all willing to put up this front for one another and pretend, all for each other's sakes. But what they don't realize.. is that it really will all turn out alright. I'm going to live on for another.. twenty years or so. I know, however, that something will happen to the man I love, and I'll meet a woman. She's a beautiful, young lady.. and we're going to make a miracle together, the two of us.. and we're going to name him Theodore. Teddy, for short. And we're going to love him so much..
James and Lily died protecting their son, but before they did, they asked Sirius to be the boy's Godfather. Years later, this young woman, Tonks, and I will die.. I can only hope that we were protecting something we loved, as well. I asked Harry to be the Godfather of my son, and he took it to heart.. and he's raising my Teddy as if the boy were his own. And he loves him. And I love him. And Severus is so scared. I can see it in his eyes, in the way his jaw tenses up. I can see it in his hands and I know that if I were in his position, I would be feeling the same way. He's scared that I'm going to take Teddy away from he and Harry. But I'm not. In eighteen years or so... I will become a father. And in eighteen years or so, I'm going to be the happiest I've ever been in my entire life, as I hold my son in my arms and tell him how much I love him. In eighteen years, I'm going to know true peace, and I'm going to fight to keep all of that safe. And the sacrifice that my wife and I will make will all be worth it. It all was worth it. Because here I am, and I may have only been able to spend a few months with the most important person in my life, but I can say with all certainty that those were the best few months of my sad, tired existance. And Harry tells me that Teddy isn't sick. He's not like me. And he's going to grow up to have children of his own, and they're going to be beautiful. That will be the moment when Teddy will be most happy, the moment that his entire life, all of his suffering, will be worth it. And on that day, where ever I am, I will be the proudest father in the world.
I would like nothing more than to go over there right now and tell the two of them that I want my son, that I want to raise my son with Sirius, and that there's nothing they can do about it. But I can't. I lived my life. I had my son for those brief months.. and now it's time for Harry, and even Severus, to experience the joy and pride that I'm sure I felt when I had Teddy in my arms. It's time for Teddy to live his life out and be happy, without complicaions, without confusion. I have never loved anything more deeply, more completely, or more unconditionally, than I loved that boy as he sat on my lap. And I want everything for him. That's why I can't keep him. It's why I can't take him away. I'm nineteen, and whether this is just a brief visit to heaven before the other shoe comes crashing down, or whether this is my second chance at life, I can't afford the risk of taking him away. He belongs with his Godfather. I loved Harry enough, I trusted Harry enough to put my son's life in his hands, and that means all the world to me. I'm sure, with Severus' help, that Teddy will never want for anything.
The world turns full circle and one day Harry and Severus will die, and Teddy will cry harder than he's ever cried in his life. It hurts, somehow, to know that he'll never feel that way for me. Lily died and was never able to raise her only son, and she feels guilty now, and lonely. She died when he was just a year old and never got to raise him or see him grow into a man. And I have to wonder... I'm going to have to live here, in this place, and see my son every day being raised by a man not me. See him shaped into a man by someone other than me. And there are times that I wonder.. I have to wonder.. if it wouldn't have been easier on me to just remain dead. And then I realize what an idiot I sound like, thinking those thoughts. Any pain, any heart ache, any torture is worth getting to see your son grow into a man, no matter who's helping him along that difficult path. And I'm content to be a spectator, if that's what's best for Teddy.
And it is. Thank you, Harry.
Harry, I wanted to apologize again for showing up on your doorstep at that indecent hour and I wanted to apologize for starting that fight with Severus. Teddy is a beautiful boy and you're very fortunate to have him. I realized today that I wouldn't have made you my son's Godfather if I didn't love you. I wouldn't have made you my son's Godfather if I didn't trust you with my own life. I wouldn't have made you my son's Godfather if I didn't know for certain that he would have the best possible life with you. You are the best person to raise Teddy, no matter what anyone ever tells you. You are his Godfather. You are his father. And you can raise him better than anyone else ever could.
I wanted you to know that, and I wanted you to know that I'll never try to take him from you and that I'll never let anyone else take him from you. He's your son now, and I know I'm not a parent, not really.. and I know that I'm not the man you knew. But if you ever need anything, Harry.. anything.. I'll be there and I'll do whatever is in my power to help you. That includes being a babysitter when the two of you need some adult alone time. I would be honored and excited and.. well. I would enjoy it. Thank you for taking care of him.
Severus, I wanted to apologize to you for my behavior in your home earlier. It was uncalled for and it was rude of me and I hope that you'll be able to forgive me. In addition, I wanted to assure you that I will never try to take Teddy from Harry. I trusted and loved Harry enough to appoint him Godfather, who am I to overturn the judgments of an older, wiser me?
The potion didn't work, unfortunately, but I thank you for trying. It made my stomach feel off and it didn't help ease the transformation, or calm me while I was transformed. I ended up injuring Sirius.. so I'd like to request that next time you offer me the potion, you suggest that Sirius not join me in the shed. I don't want to hurt him again and he won't listen to me. I know that there's probably nothing more you'd like to see than Sirius get that smug look wiped off his face, but I care for him and I would like to keep him safe at all costs. I'm sure you feel the same for Harry and Teddy.
Furthermore... I wanted to apologize again... for not being stronger while we were in school. During my first year I used to watch you in the hallways, and in class, and I had hoped we would be friends. I had hoped I'd be able to spend time with someone my own speed, my own intellect... but I was always too shy to come over and ask if I could sit with you. Too shy to introduce myself. And when Sirius and James extended their hands in friendship, I took it without hesitation. But I wasn't strong enough to put my foot down and keep them from harassing you. At first I was afraid they would start harassing me, too. But as time wore on, it became because I didn't want to lose my only friends. But I can promise you that I'm not going to allow it to go on. Sirius will be on his best behavior around you from now on. Please accept my apologizes, and advise me on what you would like me to do, concerning the Wolf's Bane. Thank you again.
Sirius, I wanted to let you know that I was sorry for leaving before you woke up this morning. I'm sitting in the library now, because my fingers froze in the park while I was trying to type. Glad my mother and father made me take all of those typewriter classes over the summers, now. They finally came in handy. Can I take you out on a date? I know that we're technically already dating, but.. you're something new. You're someone different than the boy I left behind. You're a man, and I'd like to get to know you, and find out what happened those five years I'm missing. Don't say no.
Lily... you know that I love you, and that I would do anything for you. If I could go back and send James here in my place, for you, I would. But I can't. And I wanted you to know that if you need anything, I'll try my best to help you. Even if it's just someone to throw snowballs at. You son is beautiful and I'm sure he'll do an amazing job raising my son. Not all of that comes from nurture. Nature had its hand in there, too.
River! Thank you for the lovely drink at the coffee shop, and for not running away screaming when you ran into the Mummy that I presently am. I should like to see you again, whenever you have some free time. I enjoyed myself.
Perhaps I'm going crazy. Sirius tells me that everything is going to be alright, but I know that he himself doesn't believe that. And I can see it in Lily's eyes that she doesn't believe it, either. They both know that it's not okay, but we're all willing to put up this front for one another and pretend, all for each other's sakes. But what they don't realize.. is that it really will all turn out alright. I'm going to live on for another.. twenty years or so. I know, however, that something will happen to the man I love, and I'll meet a woman. She's a beautiful, young lady.. and we're going to make a miracle together, the two of us.. and we're going to name him Theodore. Teddy, for short. And we're going to love him so much..
James and Lily died protecting their son, but before they did, they asked Sirius to be the boy's Godfather. Years later, this young woman, Tonks, and I will die.. I can only hope that we were protecting something we loved, as well. I asked Harry to be the Godfather of my son, and he took it to heart.. and he's raising my Teddy as if the boy were his own. And he loves him. And I love him. And Severus is so scared. I can see it in his eyes, in the way his jaw tenses up. I can see it in his hands and I know that if I were in his position, I would be feeling the same way. He's scared that I'm going to take Teddy away from he and Harry. But I'm not. In eighteen years or so... I will become a father. And in eighteen years or so, I'm going to be the happiest I've ever been in my entire life, as I hold my son in my arms and tell him how much I love him. In eighteen years, I'm going to know true peace, and I'm going to fight to keep all of that safe. And the sacrifice that my wife and I will make will all be worth it. It all was worth it. Because here I am, and I may have only been able to spend a few months with the most important person in my life, but I can say with all certainty that those were the best few months of my sad, tired existance. And Harry tells me that Teddy isn't sick. He's not like me. And he's going to grow up to have children of his own, and they're going to be beautiful. That will be the moment when Teddy will be most happy, the moment that his entire life, all of his suffering, will be worth it. And on that day, where ever I am, I will be the proudest father in the world.
I would like nothing more than to go over there right now and tell the two of them that I want my son, that I want to raise my son with Sirius, and that there's nothing they can do about it. But I can't. I lived my life. I had my son for those brief months.. and now it's time for Harry, and even Severus, to experience the joy and pride that I'm sure I felt when I had Teddy in my arms. It's time for Teddy to live his life out and be happy, without complicaions, without confusion. I have never loved anything more deeply, more completely, or more unconditionally, than I loved that boy as he sat on my lap. And I want everything for him. That's why I can't keep him. It's why I can't take him away. I'm nineteen, and whether this is just a brief visit to heaven before the other shoe comes crashing down, or whether this is my second chance at life, I can't afford the risk of taking him away. He belongs with his Godfather. I loved Harry enough, I trusted Harry enough to put my son's life in his hands, and that means all the world to me. I'm sure, with Severus' help, that Teddy will never want for anything.
The world turns full circle and one day Harry and Severus will die, and Teddy will cry harder than he's ever cried in his life. It hurts, somehow, to know that he'll never feel that way for me. Lily died and was never able to raise her only son, and she feels guilty now, and lonely. She died when he was just a year old and never got to raise him or see him grow into a man. And I have to wonder... I'm going to have to live here, in this place, and see my son every day being raised by a man not me. See him shaped into a man by someone other than me. And there are times that I wonder.. I have to wonder.. if it wouldn't have been easier on me to just remain dead. And then I realize what an idiot I sound like, thinking those thoughts. Any pain, any heart ache, any torture is worth getting to see your son grow into a man, no matter who's helping him along that difficult path. And I'm content to be a spectator, if that's what's best for Teddy.
And it is. Thank you, Harry.
Harry, I wanted to apologize again for showing up on your doorstep at that indecent hour and I wanted to apologize for starting that fight with Severus. Teddy is a beautiful boy and you're very fortunate to have him. I realized today that I wouldn't have made you my son's Godfather if I didn't love you. I wouldn't have made you my son's Godfather if I didn't trust you with my own life. I wouldn't have made you my son's Godfather if I didn't know for certain that he would have the best possible life with you. You are the best person to raise Teddy, no matter what anyone ever tells you. You are his Godfather. You are his father. And you can raise him better than anyone else ever could.
I wanted you to know that, and I wanted you to know that I'll never try to take him from you and that I'll never let anyone else take him from you. He's your son now, and I know I'm not a parent, not really.. and I know that I'm not the man you knew. But if you ever need anything, Harry.. anything.. I'll be there and I'll do whatever is in my power to help you. That includes being a babysitter when the two of you need some adult alone time. I would be honored and excited and.. well. I would enjoy it. Thank you for taking care of him.
Severus, I wanted to apologize to you for my behavior in your home earlier. It was uncalled for and it was rude of me and I hope that you'll be able to forgive me. In addition, I wanted to assure you that I will never try to take Teddy from Harry. I trusted and loved Harry enough to appoint him Godfather, who am I to overturn the judgments of an older, wiser me?
The potion didn't work, unfortunately, but I thank you for trying. It made my stomach feel off and it didn't help ease the transformation, or calm me while I was transformed. I ended up injuring Sirius.. so I'd like to request that next time you offer me the potion, you suggest that Sirius not join me in the shed. I don't want to hurt him again and he won't listen to me. I know that there's probably nothing more you'd like to see than Sirius get that smug look wiped off his face, but I care for him and I would like to keep him safe at all costs. I'm sure you feel the same for Harry and Teddy.
Furthermore... I wanted to apologize again... for not being stronger while we were in school. During my first year I used to watch you in the hallways, and in class, and I had hoped we would be friends. I had hoped I'd be able to spend time with someone my own speed, my own intellect... but I was always too shy to come over and ask if I could sit with you. Too shy to introduce myself. And when Sirius and James extended their hands in friendship, I took it without hesitation. But I wasn't strong enough to put my foot down and keep them from harassing you. At first I was afraid they would start harassing me, too. But as time wore on, it became because I didn't want to lose my only friends. But I can promise you that I'm not going to allow it to go on. Sirius will be on his best behavior around you from now on. Please accept my apologizes, and advise me on what you would like me to do, concerning the Wolf's Bane. Thank you again.
Sirius, I wanted to let you know that I was sorry for leaving before you woke up this morning. I'm sitting in the library now, because my fingers froze in the park while I was trying to type. Glad my mother and father made me take all of those typewriter classes over the summers, now. They finally came in handy. Can I take you out on a date? I know that we're technically already dating, but.. you're something new. You're someone different than the boy I left behind. You're a man, and I'd like to get to know you, and find out what happened those five years I'm missing. Don't say no.
Lily... you know that I love you, and that I would do anything for you. If I could go back and send James here in my place, for you, I would. But I can't. And I wanted you to know that if you need anything, I'll try my best to help you. Even if it's just someone to throw snowballs at. You son is beautiful and I'm sure he'll do an amazing job raising my son. Not all of that comes from nurture. Nature had its hand in there, too.
River! Thank you for the lovely drink at the coffee shop, and for not running away screaming when you ran into the Mummy that I presently am. I should like to see you again, whenever you have some free time. I enjoyed myself.