SIR JIZZLE
anonymous
December 29 2004, 02:37:44 UTC
hey babe. had blast reading these essays.haha.yeah. well u've helped me a ton. but anyway. i think they sound pretty good. except for the first two sentence in ur first paragraph. i think you could make those alot better.thats the first thing those guys are gonna read so (although i really have no idea) i would imagine that should be really good. start out.."Since i was a little boy...." it sounds better or i think so. but then again what do i know. i dunno just trying to help you out. we'll talk later. i feel like such a dork for responding to this.but then again ur the on e that posted it. haha.jk. xoxo
You repeat the phrase "Emporer's wife" twice in the same sentence. Change the second one to "her" because we know the female you are speaking about.
"lived up to the hype"- I would change it to "has lived" or maybe even "exceeded" to give the sentence a sense of continuity.
You say Tillman's name a LOT. It would probably be acceptable to say "he/him/his" after a while.
In the last sentence, I would change "it is" to "he would be" for the sake of parallelism; additionally, "I chose" should be "I choose" or "I would choose" since most of the essay is in the present/future tense.
Hope you're having a great break!
PS. Who in the world is writing these essay questions?! ;)
i imed you my comments, if you didn't get them, here they are again
in the first paragraph you sound like a tool, don't use so many literary devices, it sounds impressive, but also pompous, you're writing a college essay not a work of art or an essay for a competition where the winner uses the most literary devices in one paragraph, ie magnificent mausoleum is way over done and i think it actually took away from the paragraph
also, you're final sentences are very fifth-grade, you don't need to restate your whole idea, that's the sign of a weaker writer, all you need is a closing thought to wrap it up, none of this repetitive shit we learned in middle school
Comments 6
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"lived up to the hype"- I would change it to "has lived" or maybe even "exceeded" to give the sentence a sense of continuity.
You say Tillman's name a LOT. It would probably be acceptable to say "he/him/his" after a while.
In the last sentence, I would change "it is" to "he would be" for the sake of parallelism; additionally, "I chose" should be "I choose" or "I would choose" since most of the essay is in the present/future tense.
Hope you're having a great break!
PS. Who in the world is writing these essay questions?! ;)
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are you allowed to address the reader? if so, rock on, if not, "one can imagine" may do...
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trite and not really needed here. the sentence is stronger without that antecedent phrase.
"the Taj Mahal was clearly an exception. Perhaps the reason is that the Taj Mahal"
repetitive, try "the [insert adjective] mosoleum"
see katie's comments for the second essay.
charlotte
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It should be> I couldn't decide between selecting an athlete who had a body in peak physical condition, such as Vincent Cross
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in the first paragraph you sound like a tool, don't use so many literary devices, it sounds impressive, but also pompous, you're writing a college essay not a work of art or an essay for a competition where the winner uses the most literary devices in one paragraph, ie magnificent mausoleum is way over done and i think it actually took away from the paragraph
also, you're final sentences are very fifth-grade, you don't need to restate your whole idea, that's the sign of a weaker writer, all you need is a closing thought to wrap it up, none of this repetitive shit we learned in middle school
maybe more to come if i read over it again
-carl, 7 in ib english writing bitch
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