It's time we had "the talk" (Long entry)
My cousin died yesterday.
I was glad to see her one last time but it made me realize something.
She was 35...and a lot of people have been dying at 44 a lot lately.
I'm 27.
I'm pretty sure I have at the most, 17 years left (If I don't get shot sooner than that).
So here it comes, the talk
I know we may only know each other through maybe a passing glance, a computer screen, hell we may have never encountered personally. Some of you may not even care to know who I am and when I die, I just want to say, don't feel bad about it.
Despite my claims to the contrary, I've purposely tried to not make a lot of connections because I don't like losing people I'm close to. I don't like knowing that I've hurt someone I cared about and I don't like just falling away from people. To be honest, I've always wanted to be a popular person just so I can have nothing to do after that. I seek fame and success just so I can provide people with the opportunity I never received and use the rest of the money to do nothing forever (like the rest of the rich people).
I'd like to think that I mattered in life but when a person dies, their legacy is what defines them and I know that I didn't leave behind anything worthy so I don't feel bad about being not remembered when I die.
If you can't visit me on my death bed, that's cool. I'm not gonna be mad (I'd probably be more mad about the fact that every breath I take is the equivalent of a billion knives going into my throat), the economy has sucked since the country's been stolen so I'm more than aware that you need to work. I'm more than aware that your job requires you to work a shit-ton of hours so I'm not mad if you just wanna go home and relax after a long day's work.
I just want you to know that in life, if I love you, nothing can change that. If we're friends, it's simply because of that and I can truly understand whatever you got going on enough to not curse your name on my death bed.
So if I die, don't regret not ever seeing me, communicating with me, encountering me. Just know that if it was meant to be, at some point you will.
Sleep sweet, Tal'Shica Early. We'll see each other again and that time, I'll have more time.