An update can weigh up to 500 pounds and jump up to 25 feet Isn't that Amazing?
Hello and welcome to the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is Branden and I'll be your skipper, guide, captain, cruise director and dance instructor for the next five exciting days and six romantic nights.
Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I'm your skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!!
As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forest, where it rains some 365 days a year.
Over there we have hungry natives foraging for food. This is because they've been turned away from Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Baloney Sandwich.
Look at that! It's a large Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to leap over FIVE THOUSAND feet in order to catch their prey. That is...when you throw them out of an airplane.
On our left, Ganesha, the elephant god, holding his nose and on our right, Wiki Wiki, his brass monkey side kick
And just ahead, you'll notice an alligator playing with an elephant. That's not a sight you'll see every day! [lower voice] But I will...over...and over...and over...
You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm....that could be one up ahead. [Points] Uh-oh...this one has some uninvited house guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. [Points to water] Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I guess monkeying around comes naturally to 'em.
And one of them is trying to have a mind blowing experience...If he's not too careful, he'll have a real splitting headache.
To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over here to your right....and then back to your left, you can have a second look at Schweitzer Falls.
We've now turned down the Nile river--the longest river in all of Anaheim. That's right a whole 200 feet.
On the left we have an African Bull Elephant. And for those of you with short term memory problems, on the right we have an African Bull Elephant.
[Pointing] By the look of those baboons up there, something's up on the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the jungle--"don't be a zebra."
There's that lost safari we've been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some kind of native uprising.
Of course, it could be worse for those guys...they could be the Zebra.
Look! Rare, beautiful, majestic hippos! Endangered species, less than 300 left in the wild. I think I'll shoot me a couple. [bang, bang]
We're entering headhunter country now...be very quiet. In that canoe over there...the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even to the end--they're still smiling.
This group is trying to come up with a name for themselves for their upcoming CD, they have two choices, either the Village People or Fine Young Cannibals.
Uh-oh, it looks like a native war party on the left. You folks, please get down on the floor. [Makes whooshing sound into mike] Ah, those are spears by the way.
Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before...there it is--the backside of water!
And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle's most fascinating and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that totally get wrapped up in the subject!
There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam's offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!
And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey--the return to civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you've missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our "in-law" special...halfway for half fare, no questions asked.
Now, as you're leaving the boat, if you find your shoes rapidly filling with water, you've gotten out on the wrong side!
Bye now! Come back and see me again when you have the courage
Aren't you going to say good-bye, after all we've been through together?
that's right, I took you through the entire jungle cruise, with my personalized but authentic jokes.
Now thank me.